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Triggered. Vent.

maise posted 11/30/2019 19:22 PM

There was once something a wayward said about his wife taking him back after he cheated on her...he said he was grateful that his wife knew he was not the worst of what he'd done.

As much as I understand this concept and as much as I can see that people make poor choices in their brokenness, I have NOT gotten to this place with WS. I look at her and don't see her as "not the worst of what she's done." If anything, what she has done has completely changed my view of who she is as a person. I often just look at her, remember what she's done and find her cruel and horrible for having violated every piece of me so easily. Separating who she is as a person and what she's done to me so easily for 2.5 years does not seem to be coming to me. I imagine this is what me not yet forgiving her looks like...

There's a wall I hold up between us now that's built of every single disgusting deceit she ever did to me. It keeps me from connecting to her. It keeps me away from her emotionally. It keeps me from getting too close. I'm decent toward her, yes. I'm working on my self-healing still...but I wonder, is it forgiveness that causes this point of view to change?

I don't ask this question for the purpose of R, even if I do get to see her as separate from the gross things she's done I'm not focused on R. I still have healing to do. I mainly ask from a point of curiosity and understanding.

Anyone else felt this way and overcome it? If so, how?

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/30/2019 20:37 PM

Separating who she is as a person and what she's done to me so easily for 2.5 years does not seem to be coming to me.

You can't do this if she doesn't change her horribleness. If she does do everything she can to work and change, it will still take years, imo, to get to that point. I don't think it's about forgiveness. I forgave my fch long before I was able to see him as more than his cheating. I think it comes from years of consistent work and change on the part of the CP.

I think it's absolutely normal and common for a BP to feel disgusted by the CP. Until they prove otherwise, they are the worst they have ever done. You can forgive someone and still see that they are messed up.

My mom was a narcissist. I eventually came to realize that she was only doing the best she could. I let go of my rage towards her and forgave her. She was still a narcissist. She always would be.

rebplay posted 11/30/2019 20:56 PM

Maise- I understand. I was disgusted by my wh, put up a wall and had moments of reconnect and lots of disconnect. He did try. I did a lot of pushing away. I was focused on never being able to get over it. Things never seemed the same, which I think thatís what I wanted, but itís not possible. My point- well after 4 years and so after dday, weíre at a crossroads. We separated. My lesson learned- we should have done counseling. If I wanted a new relationship with him, i should have given more of me after I started healing but I chose to stay closed off. Of course he could have chosen not to cheat and then we wouldnít be here. Youíre not wrong for feeling how you do. Youíre normal. But if you decide you want a new relationship then think about counseling and how much youíre willing to open back up. Itís scarey for sure. Iíve just done a lot of soul searching and have come to the conclusion that my strong resistance was part of the R failure.

UneedToSmile posted 11/30/2019 21:02 PM

Maise....I do feel like this. Apparently Iíve felt this way too long because my WH has lost most of his desire to R. That just tells me Iím not worth it. Eff him if thatís the case....eff him anyway. He is an unfeeling prick.

maise posted 12/1/2019 14:58 PM

I did some digging into the feelings I had with this. This was what I discovered so far. I was triggered by my WS, she didn't do anything new but you know how it goes - the shit just sort of comes up in me.

So anyway, I noticed there's hurt and anger lingering around this wall I've built. When I processed that I found myself saying, "I'm angry for everything you took from me. Love, Connection, a sense of Importance, Me mattering..."

BUT, those very things are things I never had from her. I only thought I had them. I thought that's what they looked like bc the only other person obligated to me that was supposed to show me what those looked like was my mother. And she showed me what those looked like the same way my WS has. Because they're both disconnected, shut down, avoidant, selfish...

But that's all I had to go off of.

And as much love, connection, importance and matter that I placed on my WS being all of those things to me - she never gave me those things in return and I never understood why it didn't feel like enough...

A part of me is gonna have to learn to give those things to myself the right way, instead of treating myself the way my mother always showed me those things to be.

^^^ I was discussing this with a fellow SI friend and wanted to share it on here...

And I do think that WS doing the work is also going to help the shift like you mentioned coco, and that mending this part of me is also going to be what helps me connect to WS if I choose to do so and if she chooses to do this work. No guarantees of course. But I know this is important in order for me to heal and not find others just like her if I choose to move forward and be with someone else farther down the line...

Iím glad I posted about this. Sometimes it helps the processing when I just allow myself to get it out!

[This message edited by maise at 3:04 PM, December 1st (Sunday)]

rebplay posted 12/1/2019 18:01 PM

Maise- thatís tough your ws never gave you what you needed to begin with. Itís also a huge accomplishment to look inside and figure that out and why you had that pattern. Youíre right- YOU are worth it and you need to work on knowing that for yourself. Steps

maise posted 12/2/2019 07:26 AM

Thank you :)
For sure, one step at a time!

Striver posted 12/2/2019 07:49 AM


The wayward IMO has not done their work.

All of us in our lives need to own it all. We do something terrible, that terrible person is a part of us. We need to own it, work on ourselves and hope and pray that the good parts of ourselves keep the bad parts at bay.

Then again, many BS are as anxious to rug sweep as WS.

thatbpguy posted 12/2/2019 08:34 AM

So anyway, I noticed there's hurt and anger lingering around this wall I've built.

As a BS myself, I certainly understand this wall. However, it's been there now for about 1.5 years. If you want to R, it needs to come down. Healing needs to take place and you're preventing that.

Trust me, I know what you're going thru. And it lasts for a long time. But it is sad seeing you lingering within your walls. Just my humble opinion, but it's time to think about healing from within or moving on as you cannot go on like this.

I truly wish you well.

Tallgirl posted 12/2/2019 17:18 PM

Oh Maise. You are in my head. Only you are smarter than me.

My wall is several years thick and high.

It is so hard to move out of this.

maise posted 12/2/2019 18:29 PM

Thank you all for your feedback.

Ugh. It IS hard. It feels impossible sometimes! Like getting away would be better. I'm not making any permanent decisions right now with the exception of solely focusing on myself, but just...ugh!

Nolife posted 12/3/2019 17:05 PM

She has to become a Better person and help you heal and as that process takes place your supposed to get closer and you feel safe and build trust. Good luck!

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