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My sons girlfriend is getting it on with another guy?

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Dragonfly123 posted 12/2/2019 04:43 AM

I canít understand why this is still going with no resolve over a day and a half later. You tell your son immediately, not through an anonymous source, you tell your son and then you offer support and care.

Your son is being betrayed, by two people he no doubt trusts, his girlfriend and his sister. He needs to know the truth.

Your daughter needs a lesson in empathy and family loyalty.

Sorry but your daughterís comment re him being to blame is frightening and needs unpicking with her, for her own moral wellbeing. Thatís the start right there of a selfish and entitled mindset in that friendship group. Itís a good learning point for her.

I mean this really gently but youíre the parent, youíre in charge. In safeguarding with young people as professionals we are told NEVER to promise to keep a secret. I think the same basic rule goes in parenting, just in case!

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 4:55 AM, December 2nd (Monday)]

MamaDragon posted 12/2/2019 08:36 AM

she is endangering his health - by sleeping with another boy and your son.

I would sit him down and tell him that someone asked you if they were still together bc the person saw his GF with another boy getting hot and heavy. You don't have to admit it came from his sister.

Your daughter probably told you, even though she swore you to secrecy, bc she knows you will inform him. She is probably playing it off so she doesn't lose her "coolness" factor with her friends even though she wants to defend her brother. My older son did something similar when my kids were teens in regards to my daughter's BF. Now he doesn't hesitate to call a spade a spade and tell the person.

He deserves to know, bc he will find out and once he finds out you knew and didn't say anything, he will feel betrayed all over again. His health is at stake -

Just don't be surprised if he already knows and condones it. There is a huge acceptance of poly relationships in teens these days. Nothing wrong with that type of relationship but I just wanted you to know that it does happen in the younger crowd.

Dorothy123 posted 12/2/2019 14:03 PM

So I understand you are a mother who is desperate to do the right thing for your son, yet you are concerned how your son will react to the news of being cheated by his girlfriend.

These threads will honestly answer your questions.

"What physical symptoms of A did you have?"

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=597986

"How many have you thought about committing suicide?"

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=613834

blahblahblahe posted 12/2/2019 14:13 PM

I didn't mean to give the impression that I have a favorite sorry

It is not an impression, it is a relatively simple conclusion based upon observation (reading your posts).

She's friends with said girlfriend and her group. How the hell do I tell a 17 year old sensetive boy that his " girlfriend " is bumping another boy without breaking his heart and that promise. my daughter blames her brother saying " its his fault for being lazy and playing ps4 or hanging with his buddy cause we could tell a while back " I dont know where she's coming from with that. It's a teenager thing I guess.

To actually write something about him being betrayed because he is "lazy, playing ps4 and hanging out with a buddy" speaks volumes about both you and your daughter.

Instead of being outraged and going all "mama bear" to defend your son, you denigrate him along with you daughter (your favorite child). You worry about your precious daughters secret and your relationship with her.

He has been betrayed by three people, the GF he will get over one day for most part, his MOTHER and SISTER not so much. You have just taught a young man NEVER to trust women at the ripe old age of 17.

Slowlygoingcrazy posted 12/2/2019 15:29 PM

I donít see this as playing favourites at all. Youíre in a difficult position. You want to protect your son, but you want to maintain a trusting relationship with your daughter (because itís important for her to feel comfortable coming to you). Unfortunately there isnít really a way to handle this without your children feeling pain and betrayal.

I think sometimes kids come to you with secrets because they really want your help. As much as she is making excuses for her friend, I bet she is deeply uncomfortable with the whole thing and wants you to take charge.

Why donít you talk to her and explain that her brother doesnít deserve this treatment from his girlfriend and he needs to know the truth. Explain that you canít keep a secret if somebody is going to get hurt by it. Then tell your son.

Iím sorry that youíre in this situation.

emergent8 posted 12/2/2019 15:41 PM

I agree with Slowly. Youíre in a tough situation. You know your son must be told but you want to respect your daughterís confidence.

To those speaking poorly of an 18 year old - hold up. I think weíre all guilty of having certain mistaken ideas about how infidelity works/operates prior to having gone through this ourselves. Letís hold off in indicting a child for the same.

KingRat posted 12/2/2019 15:48 PM

Why donít you talk to her and explain that her brother doesnít deserve this treatment from his girlfriend and he needs to know the truth. Explain that you canít keep a secret if somebody is going to get hurt by it. Then tell your son.

I agree. I understand your son is sensitive, but it will be much worse if he found out you knew and hid this from him regardless of having good intentions in doing so. AS it is often expressed, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. If he is mature enough to be sexually active, then he is mature enough to have this discussion.

Iwonderwhyme posted 12/2/2019 16:27 PM

Thank you everyone

Mene posted 12/2/2019 16:54 PM

Tell your son. Life is tough. We need to become accepting of bad news and work out strategies to encounter and move on. Otherwise youíre setting him up for a difficult life and without coping mechanism to help him.

[This message edited by Mene at 4:55 PM, December 2nd (Monday)]

hansvoleman posted 12/2/2019 18:41 PM

What did your mom say ?

IWWM, I don't want to hijack your thread but my mum's thinking was:
1) Mum didn't "know for sure". "Mum. You aren't a doctor or a therapist yet you still have no problem telling me what I am doing wrong with my health based on LESS information than you had about my wife's relationship with her boss."
2) Mum didn't think "she should interfere" as I was in my late twenties. "Mum. This is not interfering. You and Dad get a free pass to "meddle" in serious stuff because of who you are to me. We have a good enough relationship that if I ask you to back off you do."
3) Mum felt a divided loyalty because she promised my MIL that she, my mum, would look after her daughter in our country. (My mother did not break her word, ever). I think Mum felt such a conflict of interest here that she was paralysed. This was the tough one for me. Mum's best friend chewed her out something awful when she found out.

To those speaking poorly of an 18 year old - hold up. I think weíre all guilty of having certain mistaken ideas about how infidelity works/operates prior to having gone through this ourselves. Letís hold off in indicting a child for the same

Emergent8, I am puzzled that you think an 18 year old is a child and is excused from understanding that the mechanics of adultery/infidelity involve breaching trust, lying, entitling yourself and generally not following the golden rule of treating others as you would like to be treated yourself. I don't expect the young woman to understand the intense pain it brings - she IS too young - but, like the rest of us, she doesn't have to put her fingers in an electrical socket to see if it hurts or not.

IWWM, please talk to your son and daughter sooner rather than later. This goes way beyond protecting your son.

Iwonderwhyme posted 12/2/2019 21:13 PM

These were all some good replies. I'm gonna talk to daughter first see how it goes.

Iwonderwhyme posted 12/2/2019 21:14 PM

Then take the other advice about talking with my son about how he feels about the relationship

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