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Shaking with anger

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Allie84 posted 12/1/2019 21:20 PM

Hi all,

Itís been awhile. I didnít stay away. Nothing changed except I allowed the fog to get more dense and I stayed.

I am so stupid. I am shaking with anger at myself. Iím isolated, exhausted, and defeated.

Iíll explain more later. I will be back. I just need a place to touch base for a moment. I am coming to terms with my enabling of his abuse towards me and itís sickening. Iím so disgusted with myself for not being strong enough to walk away and to demand respect.

UneedToSmile posted 12/1/2019 21:25 PM

So sorry Allie, I am just like you. Keep signing up for abuse and being lied to. Pretty sure Iím not done either. Iíll be shaking with anger again soon. Seems to be my MO lately. I would consider myself pretty smart, but in this situation Iím dumb as hell. I keep asking myself when it will finally be enough for me to file those papers that were drawn up a month ago.

Allie84 posted 12/1/2019 21:29 PM

I donít why I seem to hate myself so much. Why do I believe his lies? I feel like Iím on level 1,999 of gaslighting and want to scratch my face off.

Iím so angry. I donít feel like I recognize myself and itís me Iím angry with!!!! I have allowed this to continue. No wonder Iím isolated from everyone 🙄

UneedToSmile posted 12/1/2019 21:45 PM

Well if heís anything like my WH, heíll tell you just what IS wrong with you. Mine said, ďwe just donít have anything in common.Ē Youíre right! I donít cheat on my spouse when Iím bored, or hide everything I do, or hang out with people 20 years younger instead of my own kids that need me. I too would love to scratch my face off. I hope you get some sleep tonight, but I know how hard it is when this shit gets your endorphins up. Guaranteed he wonít miss a wink!

Allie84 posted 12/1/2019 21:54 PM

Iím so sorry :( mine blows up at me. Worst is he is a very attractive college professor who has all the access in the world and keeps me at an arms reach. He speaks to me like Iím 13 and blows up at me when I try to explain my worries.

Caught him on webcam sites in May and he blew up, punched the wall, kicked doors, and continued to lie and scream after 24 hours. He finally confessed to that ONE time but was adamant it was the ONLY time since I last caught him with porn and he only cheated in person the ONE time I caught him. I canít take it anymore. He is sitting in the same room playing video games, living his lie-filled life happy as a clam while I shake in anger at how he has zero consequences. The worst is that he has sexually abused me in the past, multiple times and Iím still here.

Allie84 posted 12/1/2019 21:57 PM

Thank you. I donít want to take Benadryl to sleep and alcohol to not feel anymore. I just want to be asleep and not have to think about how stupid I have been and how sick he is.

I truly donít know how bad things are right now, how deep he is, but based on his outburst last night when I said I was worried about him seeing other people, he most likely is. I know he is actively hiding porn and cams.

He flips out if I act out of character because he is afraid his facade will crumble. He is constantly looking for signs I have him figured out, itís exhausting. For three months he spoke to me in a baby voice with extreme sweetness to make me think he was doting on me when he was really heavy into webcams. Itís so bizarre; Iím so tired; I want refuge; I have no place to get away from him. Lease is up in 8 months.

[This message edited by Allie84 at 10:00 PM, December 1st (Sunday)]

UneedToSmile posted 12/1/2019 22:02 PM

Thereís where we differ. Mine is far from a college professor. He is laying in my bed right now and Iím in the living room with my youngest daughter. Mine denies constantly too. One of his friends told me TWICE that he admitted to sex with the OW. He says his friend is confused or a liar, depends on the day. And guess what?!? Theyíre still buddies!
Iím so sorry about the abuse.....sexual and mental...heís doing both. How do they have this power to make us feel so stupid and weak when we know the truth? Master manipulators I guess.

Allie84 posted 12/1/2019 22:21 PM

Master manipulators for sure. Maybe the thing that makes me the most angry... I will never know the truth. No amount of time, crying, pleading, begging, false reconciliation, or counseling in the world will afford me the full truth. Nothing.

BearlyBreathing posted 12/1/2019 23:18 PM

Please reach out to a shelter who can help you. Heís abusive ó and he is a manipulative ass. There is nothing wrong with youó he has you cornered. Get help. There are hotlinesó find one in your area.
Stay safe. You deserve better.

demolishedinside posted 12/2/2019 02:04 AM

Yes, Allie, please seek help. Iím awake from all of this and read this post first. I am worried about you. Call a local shelter and get advice and help. You need to stay safe.

Twinkies posted 12/2/2019 02:34 AM

Someone posted on another post, which caught my attention. Infidelities aside is this the marriage you want? You deserve love and respect. Stop looking for proof of something you already know. It uses up time and energy it i s a distraction. Focus on you( this includes your kids. Get your ducks in a row so that its ready when you are. Keep up your normal so he doesn't suspect.

Please be careful. People can become violent when they are used to being in control and feel like they are loosing it.

undertherug posted 12/2/2019 06:16 AM

Alli -- you may never know the whole truth but you know enough. Please think of where you want to be in 5 years. Is it still living like this?

The1stWife posted 12/2/2019 06:20 AM

You donít need ďproofĒ he is cheating to leave him or divorce him.

You need a 40-60 day plan. Get yourself a counselor or therapist for professional help. Get a support team together of friends and family.

Get your own bank account he doesnít know about.

Get your own credit card in your own name.

Get an attorney to draw up a sears tin agreement that retains support and visitation ( if children are involved).

Start disconnecting by using g the 180. Do not engage in anything more than ďyesĒ or ďnoĒ or ďI donít knowĒ with him. No cooking or laundry or errands or meals with him. Start putting up barriers to protect yourself.

If he gets enraged call the police and tell them you are afraid of him right now. If he punching things videotape it. Put cameras in your house. Record all conversations with your phone or Voice activated recording device (var).

The point is to take back control - and take his power over you away from him.

I can tell you at dday2 I told my H I was divorcing him. For six months I had worked in plan B just in case. Well just in case cake to be and I was ready. I had $ in the bank. I had a counselor who supported me. I had a plan for me & kids. I had a mediator lined up to start the divorce process.

At that point he had no say in our marriage. He found no longer make any decisions that included me. I took my power back from him. And he knew it.

Allie84 posted 12/2/2019 07:21 AM

Thank you for your support and advice, for listening to my problems.

I do need to leave and know this. I started cutting off a few months ago and now we have next to none. I am not open to it any longer.

I will search out IC today. Maybe call the SA hotline for resources.

Five years ago I was violently raped in my own home by a stranger. Two weeks after the assault I found out my SO was seeing another woman(en?). But I already knew he was unstable. The abuse and gaslighting had me out the door. When I was assaulted I clung to him. Even after he was cheating, TT, porn, etc.... itís been 5 years since then and Iím still stuck in the cycle.

I know I have to get out. Walking on egg shells feels like my only option until the lease is up. Iím a FT student and I have full time professional career and three teenagers. Itís been a rough couple of years

Allie84 posted 12/2/2019 07:41 AM

You are right, thefirstwife, I need all of those things, yesterday. Is there someone specific I should look for? To get the kind of action-oriented exit plan and support I need? I am so distracted at the moment I can hardly think about anything except exiting and the time seems so far away. I am going insane 😭 I was up all night with stomach issues from the stress. When he saw I was up and anxious he asked me if I skipped a Lexapro. Sure didnít- but when I do it seems to help me see the light MUCH better.

thatbpguy posted 12/2/2019 08:38 AM

Allie84, you're living with a person who wants to have his cake and eat it too. All the while manipulating you. Just an opinion, but some people find betraying more fun when they are attached. Like it's a game. In short, I think he's just using you to promulgate his games.

Time to go and find a better life.

Allie84 posted 12/2/2019 15:57 PM

Found teenage boys and girls, male only photos, and so much more today during a deep dive of his laptop today. Oh joy. I asked him not to come home. He said he is. Iím leaving the house.

DevastatedDee posted 12/2/2019 16:19 PM

OMG. Oh he is disgusting. Yes, you very much need to get away from that. Be safe!

Allie84 posted 12/2/2019 18:38 PM

Iím out of the house. He admitted to looking at pics of tween boys and girls. Guess what?! I have three teenagers. I have an appointment in the am with the doctor and Iíll go from there.

I have the proof to get out of the lease.

Iím shaking and vomiting right now.

Allie84 posted 12/2/2019 18:38 PM

Iím out of the house. He admitted to looking at pics of tween boys and girls. Guess what?! I have three teenagers. I have an appointment in the am with the doctor and Iíll go from there.

I have the proof to get out of the lease.

Iím shaking and vomiting right now.

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