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Wedding ring

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heartachenpain posted 12/4/2019 22:41 PM

Do you leave your ring on even when you can feel your divorce getting closer and your wife getting more distant? When your not even on her mind anymore, another man is. What do you do in a situation where your wife left? She didn't legally separate from you but in her heart she did. Went and started having not only an affair but one where when I found out proudly bragged about how special this guy is and how he isn't going anywhere. In her mind she doesn't even consider it an affair. She considers it we were "done" because she was staying at her families house like we were gf and bf. I feel so dumb and embarrassed even writing this. Embarrassed and humiliated by the one person I cared about more than anything in this world and swore to always stick by me. The one who stared in my eyes as we said our vows and placed rings on each others finger. The last one I ever thought would leave me in the worst pain I've ever felt.

My pastor says to leave it on. To leave it on until she divorces me and there's no longer a chance. That even though she isn't even considering R that the ring still has significant importance. It lets the world know how serious I take my marriage, how I am still a faithful husband. That the ring symbolizes to my children that my marriage matters each time they see it.

I'll be honest I took it off for a while. It never felt right off though. I always felt naked in a sense. The first thing my pastor said when I went to talk about my failing marriage was that I didn't even have my ring on. What message was that showing? I've put it back on. It feels a bit foolish considering my wife has a bf. I feel like such a fool but I love her. I still love her as much as I always have. I took my marriage vows very serious, consider them very sacred and don't want to give up on the person I became one with. Who knows, maybe im just a glutton for punishment!

Incarnate posted 12/4/2019 23:14 PM

For our 10th anniversary, I designed a ring for my STBXW. She hasn't worn it for the last 5 years, saying it was uncomfortable, or she didn't want to lose it, or whatever other excuse.

She says she can't find it now. I'm not convinced she hasn't sold it.

I smashed mine with a hammer. It was made of tungsten; the pieces flew really far, lol. I tried to record it with a 1,000 FPS camera, but the timing was off and it recorded at normal speed, not super slow speed.

Oh well. That tungsten ring was worth about as much to me as fidelity was to my STBXW, so... meh.

[This message edited by Incarnate at 11:15 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

BearlyBreathing posted 12/5/2019 00:20 AM

I took mine off to start my detaching process.

ShatteredSakura posted 12/5/2019 02:20 AM

Your Pastor gave you the business about your ring when you write your WW brags about how special her AP is and chooses him over you? I'm sorry but that made me a little angry for you.

It sounds like there isn't a chance now, leaving it off also shows that you won't stand for what she did IMO, that you're making your own choices and not waiting for her to decide to divorce or come back. Do what feels right of course, but it just sounds like you're romanticising the decision to leave it on.

demolishedinside posted 12/5/2019 03:01 AM

Iím kind of upset for you , too. That seems like guilt that you donít need. You have always chosen your marriage. The message it sends is that you have been betrayed and wonít continue to be treated that way.

I took mine off after my last dday. I loved the ring and all it symbolized. He did not. Itís in a drawer now. Not quite sure what I will do with it. I had an old ring I wear simply because I was used to wearing a ring. People have noticed. I honestly could not continue to wear my wedding ring. It was not emotionally healthy anymore.

Incarnate posted 12/5/2019 03:37 AM

Y'know, after I smashed my tungsten ring, I made my own ring out of chainmaille. Instead of hard, brittle, inflexible tungsten, I made it out of bright, shining silver woven into armor. I wear it on my other hand, leaving my left ring finger empty.

Bleu posted 12/5/2019 07:41 AM

Amazing ring. Very cool that you made it.

heartachenpain posted 12/5/2019 08:35 AM

Incarnate- I read your story the other day. Iím really sorry to hear of the shit you had to go through and but also happy to hear you didnít take your own life. I too have had thoughts of just ending my life. I try and immediately dismiss those thoughts because I know I need to be here for my children and that life is a one time gift. Itís crazy what love can do and how it can break a man down. As for the ring I wouldnít be able to smash mine, throw it out, etc. even if divorce comes. Reason for this is because of her but I believe the ring on your finger represents how you did as a husband and how you carried yourself during your marriage. Had I been the one being unfaithful then yes Iíd throw it out because I failed as a husband.

ShatteredSakura-I wouldnít say he gave me the business about my ring. He gave me a different way of looking at it. Like I said above, thatís my ring that represents me as a husband. Me not wearing it is showing women that Iím a single man when Iím not. Even though my WW is doing what sheís doing Iím still presenting myself as a faithful and good man. Even though she has changed into someone I donít even know anymore and is doing what I never thought she would do to me Iím still married. I donít believe in separation. Youíre either married or your not and Iím still married so I guess thatís why Iím caught up with wearing it or not. Idk though maybe youíre right maybe Iím just romanticizing the marriage and relationship that once was. Iíve just never felt so humiliated and disrespected in my life. Itís so hard to process and I feel so lost.

MamaDragon posted 12/5/2019 08:41 AM

In my opinion, if you are comfortable wearing your ring - continue to do so. The ring represents the vows you took and have not disgraced.

If it makes you unhappy, take it off.

I traded my wedding set in on a new ring and ended up giving it to my Mom bc she loved the new ring so much. Seriously, I took it off and handed it to her.

If you have kids, you might put it up and save it for your children - or have it melted down and turned into something else. A friend of mine melted hers down and created a signet ring that she wears - she says she wears it to remember to believe in herself and to never forget she is no one's plan b. A lady at work divorced a year ago, she still wears her wedding band.

Your healing - your way -

heartachenpain posted 12/5/2019 08:48 AM

Demolishedinside-I love mine and what it symbolizes as well. It wasnít guilt that I didnít need, it was just a different viewpoint and at the end of the day itís of course left in my hands if I want to wear it or not. I feel like leaving it off is giving up on my marriage but at the same time my WW doesnít even consider us married so what marriage even is there? I leave it on and feel embarrassed. I would have much rather have been served divorce papers then to have been put through what I am. Itís the most gut wrenching pain watching the person you considered your better half completely turn their back on you and treat you like you never mattered.

tikismom posted 12/5/2019 08:57 AM

I think this is your choice! I am working on R & still choose not to wear my wedding ring on my left hand. I wear it on my right. WH broke his vows to me & therefore its not on the finger it should be.

Justsomeguy posted 12/5/2019 09:09 AM

I took my ringvoff on Dday#2 and locked it away. I will not touch it again. I have earmarked it for the down payment on a new motorcycle. Harleys are cool and every time I ride I'll thank her for being such a skank and setting me free.

WhoTheBleep posted 12/5/2019 09:47 AM

Harleys are cool and every time I ride I'll thank her for being such a skank and setting me free.

For some reason, I can't love this quote enough.

Incarnate posted 12/5/2019 10:14 AM

Harleys are cool and every time I ride I'll thank her for being such a skank and setting me free.

Yaknow... This is something that my STBXW said to me shortly after DDay 2.

"Someday you will thank me for having the strength to end this."

I will NEVER thank her or her OM or OW for what they did to me. Ending it with strength would have been ending it with integrity, BEFORE she slept with (or even sought) someone else.

ShatteredSakura posted 12/5/2019 11:00 AM

I like what some of the others said about wearing it on another finger or getting something new to wear. That to me is analogous to a flag flying half mast, showing you're mourning your marriage and that you valued the commitment unlike some others.

IMO personally I'd feel like a chump if I kept it on since it signals that she can do whatever and I won't react; I'll just stick my head in the sand.

While "giving you the business" may be too harsh the above is what went through my head w.r.t to your Pastor, you honoring and signaling your commitment to your marriage should be the last thing discussed right now; she blew it up and you have to think about how you're going to survive it. But of course none of us were there so maybe it was the last thing discussed :).

J707 posted 12/5/2019 12:29 PM

The choice is ultimately yours to make. I took mine off after my last and final Dday. That was my choice. Eventually I threw mine in the ocean the day after my D was final (I didn't actually know it was final, just the universe telling me I guess, I found out a few days later). I put it on one more time, said my goodbyes and threw it half way to Hawaii. I took my vows serious but I couldn't where it after yet another betrayal, the one that ended our M and full throttled me to D that evil woman.

heartachenpain posted 12/5/2019 12:39 PM

It wasnít the main topic of discussion it was just something he noticed which sparked the convo up. I donít have an answer as to how Iím going to survive this. I wish I had some type of answer. With time it feels like itís getting worse instead of better. I miss her more as the days go on, we become more distant and Iím just slowly being replaced by some piece of shit who canít respect a marriage and leave a married woman alone. She was having issues feeling like I didnít love her anymore and was having self esteem issues as a result of that and here comes Mr. Perfect to destroy a marriage. Itís not only him though itís her fault just as much. Itís also some of my fault for letting our marriage get to where it got for this to happen. Iím just so lost right now.

rebplay posted 12/5/2019 12:58 PM

Heartache and pain- Itís not your fault she chose infidelity. Itís mature to look at what you could have done differently in the relationship BUT itís never ok to chose cheating. Thatís on her. And mr perfect wonít stay mr perfect. The excitement will wear off and both their imperfections will come out to each other. Iím sorry youíre struggling. Itís such a tough road to go down. Itís normal to feel the pull of love you had but then know logically it doesnít make sense in the situation. Itís a tough place to be in.

ShatteredSakura posted 12/5/2019 13:13 PM

With time it feels like itís getting worse instead of better. I miss her more as the days go on, we become more distant and Iím just slowly being replaced by some piece of shit who canít respect a marriage and leave a married woman alone. She was having issues feeling like I didnít love her anymore and was having self esteem issues as a result of that and here comes Mr. Perfect to destroy a marriage. Itís not only him though itís her fault just as much. Itís also some of my fault for letting our marriage get to where it got for this to happen. Iím just so lost right now.

Your WW and mine sound like twins, as do the AP's. Your words "slowly being replaced by some POS who can't respect marriage and leave a married woman alone" REALLY resonates with me, I feel like that's been my life the last few years. I take solace in coming here and seeing I'm not alone, I don't know if that helps you though.

As many will tell you, you're not responsible for the infidelity because you lived in the same marriage too. My WW has grappled with depression/self-esteem issues since her teen years, long before we ever met. In the years before her PA I felt like I was losing myself trying to do everything I could to make her feel love and being attentive all the while feeling like I wasn't getting anything reciprocated. It was never enough for her and if you heard her talk she'd say how neglectful I was or how I didn't want to do anything with her.

I don't know what your situation necessarily is, but my initial gut reaction is don't beat yourself up with blame. It wasn't your job to fix her, and like another saying, you can bring a horse to water but can't make it drink. At the end of the day we're all responsible to ourselves for our well being. She chose to cheat rather than try and fix whatever causes those issues.

Most likely she'll continue to have those same issues with her AP or whoever else she is with.

Edit:

One thing with Mr. Perfect: It's all fantasy. With my WW being with her AP meant no responsibility. No one nagging her to pick up after herself or doing things for herself, just a lot of "lets go out on a romantic date to restaurants and getaways" type of stuff, but that isn't real day-to-day life. It'll wear off.

A poster here has a great saying that I love to repeat: The grass is greener where you water it.

My WW didn't water the grass, so the grass was greener on the other side, but it won't stay green forever.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 1:22 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

Maudlin posted 12/6/2019 08:01 AM

That is an awesome ring Incarnate!

Iím allergic to virtually all metal, my ring has always sat in a jewelry box. I did toss his off a mountain, but I want to pawn mine and donate the money to something he would hate.

Even with no ring ever I still managed to never cheat, somehow. For me the symbol was only that- the commitment mattered. Now I havenít got either.

I did get an awesome bracelet made that is a photo of my beloved dog, my oldest joked Iím marrying Lola. Hey, she is endlessly faithful and always has my best interest at heart. Sign me up.

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