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What happened to a man being a gentleman?.

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itsa(bad)dream posted 12/7/2019 23:05 PM

Am I looking for,too much at this stage of life? Both are in our 60ís, previous marriages and children. I have gone on 4 dates with him so far, and we really get along well but some things are bugging me.
From date #1, he did offer to pick me up but I was honest and told him until I know someone better I normally meet them. He was fine with that.. ( we met on a dating site). But Iím looking for the little nice things a man does in the beginning dates, like helping you with your coat, maybe giving a compliment that I look nice, holding out his arm or,hand to me when walking through an icy parking lot. And keeping the swear words to a minimum until you know me better. He isnít keeping me in the friend zone because he certainly know how to be romantic when saying goodbye.
I wonder if this is just how,he was brought up - those things werenít important?.
He was married 25 years, married later in life, is a recovered alcoholic for 10 years, a cancer survivor for 5, and has to monitor his sugar due to diabetes. All those issues donít bother me - he is a nice person. But could all these things in his past caused him to be grateful he is alive, and he doesnít really think about the other person?
I like to be treated like a woman, and have a man do the simple things to be a gentleman.. I donít think itís something to even talk about this early, but Iím just looking for your opinions.
If this guy was divorced for 10 or more years, then iíd Say heís been hanging out with men far too long and got in the habit of swearing ... whenever. But heís only divorced a year.
Maybe Iím looking for too much, or is it a red flag?

WhoTheBleep posted 12/8/2019 06:14 AM

He isn't likely to change at this stage of his life. Are these dealbreakers for you? Only you can answer that.

If it bothers you at this early stage, then you might just not be right for each other.

travels posted 12/8/2019 06:18 AM

I look at as we all have our "things" that we look for, both women and men. For example, when I first go out with someone, I look for the door to be held open and that he walk me to my car. I also prefer someone who doesn't drop the f-bomb with every other word. It doesn't bother me one bit if he does not offer to pay.
Now, I am willing to overlook one of the above things if we really hit it off. Then I will bring it up at some point. Communication is key if you think you have a future with him.

You have to do what feels right for you. If you see a future with him, talk about it.

[This message edited by travels at 6:20 AM, December 8th (Sunday)]

Chrysalis123 posted 12/8/2019 07:49 AM

Dating is like trying on shoes. They either fit well or they don't, even if they are the most lovely shoes in the store

He is a nice guy, but maybe he is just the wrong fit for you.

The fact that you posted here shows it is bothering you already. It's OK to next him into the friend zone and carry on your search.

BigBlueEyes posted 12/8/2019 08:13 AM

This is just My opinion so please donít take offence,
If I was to go out on a date in the future,
I can buy my dinner, go dutch, or pay for us both,
I can hold myself up on ice..,lol sometimes,
I can hold any door for myself or anyone, itís just politeness
I can converse on just about anything, may not make sense but I will give it a great go,
I can swear just aswell as the next person, however not in front of my dad or little ones.
If I was to go on a date I think they would get the impression Iím a very strong, independent, bubbly woman,
& they would be 💯% correct.

As long as conversations are mutual & respect is given I would probably go on a 5th date with this man that has had his own fair share of trauma in his lifetime.

I do think chivalry isnít as important nowadays as to what it used to be.
Iím 47 so that could just be a generation thing.
Good luck 😉

itsa(bad)dream posted 12/8/2019 08:54 AM

Thank you all for your replies. I think it's a little too soon to have a discussion with him about it. I'm not sure what direction we're headed. So I'll probably just try again if we have the opportunity for date #5. I'm not going to pursue it because sometimes I may not hear from him for a few days, and then I text to say hi. He always responds, and wants to make plans for the weekend. And sometimes I don't bother, and in the end, he contacts me.
I guess I just think that if he were really interested, he would keep in contact during the week. I think its true that if a man is really interested, you'll know it, and he'll keep up the contact. His profile said he wanted a relationship, so maybe I'm just not the one, so he isn't putting forth a lot of effort.
Maybe I better keep my options open. I was on Plenty of Fish and my account just got hacked. Someone was able to get into my account and send very sexual comments to hundreds of men,, and it looked like they were coming from me. I deleted the account. So now I'm wondering if I should try another dating site...
Any ideas?

WhoTheBleep posted 12/8/2019 10:07 AM

Maybe I better keep my options open. I was on Plenty of Fish and my account just got hacked. Someone was able to get into my account and send very sexual comments to hundreds of men,, and it looked like they were coming from me.

Well, for sure leave your options open at this early stage. You've only been out four times. It is far from serious at this point. I am sure this man is keeping his options open, and that's okay.

And any chance your ex could have hacked your account? Did you use a password that he might know?

barcher144 posted 12/8/2019 10:50 AM

Am I looking for,too much at this stage of life?

No, you get to decide what you want... in any stage of life.

But Iím looking for the little nice things a man does in the beginning dates, like helping you with your coat, maybe giving a compliment that I look nice, holding out his arm or,hand to me when walking through an icy parking lot. And keeping the swear words to a minimum until you know me better. He isnít keeping me in the friend zone because he certainly know how to be romantic when saying goodbye. I wonder if this is just how,he was brought up - those things werenít important?.

I won't speak about how he was raised, but I do think that he is showing you who he is. If you don't like who he is, then it is time to move on.

I do many/most of the things that you say, but I genuinely care for people and I will do those things for people of both genders whether I am trying to date them or not. My GF, however, swears like a truck-driver! Good thing that I don't mind.

Honestly, nothing against you or this guy, but it doesn't sound like you are a good match for each other.

JanaGreen posted 12/9/2019 01:34 AM

Gentlemen are absolutely still out there. My boyfriend does all the things you mentioned and frankly I have become spoiled and accustomed this treatment, to the point that I dont think I would accept anything else. No, you're not asking too much.

WhoTheBleep posted 12/9/2019 06:34 AM

Gentlemen are absolutely still out there. My boyfriend does all the things you mentioned and frankly I have become spoiled and accustomed this treatment, to the point that I dont think I would accept anything else. No, you're not asking too much.

Same here, Jana. Every word. I'll add, he won't even let me walk on the outside of the sidewalk. He always moves to the street side, and guides me to the building side. Melts my heart every time.

IABD, if that stuff matters to you, don't compromise. It's ok to like what we like. Let us know how this goes for you.

itsa(bad)dream posted 12/9/2019 09:31 AM

Thanks for your input. My last marriage he did all those things for me, too. And I was equally attentive to him too. Doesnít mean it always works out because he was a cheater, but, he ďactedĒ like quite the gentleman...
Iím thinking maybe this guy just doesnít feel any spark with me so heís not really putting in any effort. Hereís an example - we had dinner on Friday at a nice restaurant. He was on call for his job so he had his phone on the table ( fine with me ) but they had TVs nearby and he kept glancing up watching something. TV was behind me so finally I asked if he was watching a game? He said no , it was some debate he was interested in?? And true to form, I never heard from him all weekend. And if I had texted him, he would have responded, Iím sure, but I guess Iím looking for someone just to call to ď keep in touchĒ.
Sometimes he calls during the week but usually when heís on the road for work. ( it must relieve the boredom of driving).
Iíll text him or call randomly just to say howís everything? Did you have a nice weekend.? But this time Iím doing NOTHING...Iíll wait and see if heís interested.
Funny thing about this site - when you write it all out for people to read, you get a pretty clear picture of whatís really going on. Iím sitting here saying ď heís just not that into youĒ....
thank you all for listening....
ďNEXTĒ......😃

Superesse posted 12/9/2019 13:27 PM

"Next!" Indeed! Ha, that man sounds so much like my SAWH it isn't even funny to me to read. Apart from the whole question of whether being a cheater relates to a guy showing good manners or not, to me your examples say a lot about how this man was raised and reflects his attitude about women in general. Because...while a cheater might act the gentleman, even not cheating does not excuse a pattern of boorish behavior.

[This message edited by Superesse at 1:36 PM, December 9th (Monday)]

CaliforniaNative posted 12/9/2019 16:23 PM

You know the dating game has changed a lot since I was last in it. Expectations about text are new and will vary based upon personality. Same with manners. The man I am dating now was sooooo good with his confidence and manners I thought he was a player. Too many compliments, too attentive, leaning in, constant eye contact, listening, asking questions, touching, kindness, putting away his phone.. I figured he bought the player handbook. Lol. Point is, it may never be perfect but give it some time and remain positive. Good luck.

JanaGreen posted 12/9/2019 18:55 PM

he won't even let me walk on the outside of the sidewalk. He always moves to the street side, and guides me to the building side.

LOL I sneaky sneak to the outside and see how long it takes him to notice, but I'm a brat.

itsa(bad)dream sounds like a NEXT was definitely the right call! I hope the next guy treats you like a queen.

itsa(bad)dream posted 12/9/2019 19:34 PM

Jana - you're too funny. Sounds like you have a really nice guy. But it doesn't hurt to put him to the test every now and then....
As I'm thinking back, I was kind of shocked that on the first date - he never even walked me to my car. It was dark, very large parking lot which was overflowing with cars on a Friday night so I ended up finding the only open spot in a parking lot next door. When we left, he stopped because he had gotten a space close to the door and asked me where I was parked... I pointed and said "way over there - you really can't see it", and he said ok - gave me a kiss and left. I remember thinking that night how rude not to even make sure I got to my car all right. But I quickly forgot about it when he sent me a nice text saying how much he enjoyed himself.
I guess it was pretty evident from day 1 but I was overlooking things.
Wouldn't it be nice to meet some random nice guy at the gym, or grocery store? Hasn't happened yet.....I'll keep looking.

Superesse posted 12/9/2019 21:11 PM

Wow, your post has had me thinking the same thing today, how I overlooked things in my BF I wasn't impressed with, that later on I viewed as just clues to a bigger issue. For the most part, he did what he had to do to keep me hooked for years before we married..

This last example of your first date, wins the prize for something, not sure what. Cluelessness?

On our first date, a man dancing next to us had a heart attack and died right there on the dance floor! The music stopped, we walked out, and then my legs went wobbly. He made sure I could walk out with him safely and stayed very calm. I was impressed.

(Of course, there was that time after we married, that he got on an airplane in Germany which didn't have a seat left for me; I was flying back home on stand-by. He decided it was more important to leave me there at the gate stranded and board the plane with his coworkers! I didn't know any German. Another American couple who didn't get seats took me into their care and I got home the following day....)


JanaGreen posted 12/10/2019 12:54 PM

Omg. My male co-workers used to walk me to my car if I left late. That guy is weak sauce.

nightowl1975 posted 12/10/2019 14:53 PM

Is it possible he didnít walk you to your car in order to not make you feel uncomfortable on the first date? I always meet first dates at the location of the date, no picking me up at my house or getting into a virtual strangerís vehicle. It would be fairly easy for someone to ďwalk a lady to her carĒ, shove her inside, and take off to do God only knows what. Safety is always my top priority for first dates/meeting someone new.

itsa(bad)dream posted 12/10/2019 15:31 PM

No, I don't think that thought crossed his mind about me being uncomfortable if he walked me to my car. After all, he could have "asked" anyway. And the parking lots are almost joined together behind 2 very popular restaurants . there is a constant flow of people walking back and forth..
Maybe he's just not "skilled" in dating anymore, since he's only been divorced a year.

And WhoTheBleep - I'm positive it wasn't my ex who hacked my account because I didnt get on that site until well after he was out of the house,, and the password I used was something he would have never connected to....

I'm just going to wait and see what happens. We went to dinner on Friday. Today is Tuesday - no contact from him. I'm not surprised....

itsa(bad)dream posted 12/12/2019 20:53 PM

Well, it's Thursday and haven't heard anything. I also had laser done on my eye today and he was aware I was having it done - no good luck text or anything...

It's funny - it doesn't really bother me, but there's always that nagging feeling of "what's wrong with me?"

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