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infidelity after 10 years

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Walkingthewire posted 12/10/2019 19:51 PM

Walk away. File divorce papers and have him served. This guy is..... I canít even think of a good enough word. You do not deserve the verbal abuse heís been dishing out for years.
Alimony, until you can get on your feet, and child support. Please do not stay. This has bad news written all over it. 🥺

BellaLee posted 12/12/2019 03:44 AM

Hi @dixans, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this in your marriage and my heart goes out to you. I think what is clear from all that you've posted is that this is certainly not what a healthy marriage relationship should be like. I hope soon you will be able to get some professional help to help you process what you're going through and the best way forward. In the meantime try and focus on looking after yourself physically and emotionally, you deserve it and it will enable you to be in a stronger place. Honestly you sound like an amazing person with a kind heart and I pray the near future brings you wisdom, strength and peace for the journey ahead. I'm rooting for you and wish you great success in your education. Don't give up!

dixans posted 12/13/2019 16:35 PM

I'm having a really hard time with not capitulating to every sense. As mentioned, he works in another state. He wants to talk to me on the phone on his AM and PM commutes and I...don't want to talk to him. In the evening I often have the kids call and talk to him but usually I just do it even though I can feel my insides twisting and my mood sinking. I have spent the last decade doing everything for him and with him in mind, even at my own expense, and I haven't managed to stop doing it. I didn't even realize how much I was ignoring my own needs, emotional and otherwise, until this happened. He gets so upset if I don't want to talk to him and I know it's basically emotional blackmail, but I just do it to keep him happy. When he was here I had (protected) sex with him to keep him happy. If I don't say "I love you too" every time he texts it to me it's a big deal, so I do it to keep him happy. And as I'm typing this I'm realizing it's the same as it was with having to deny that I was cheating on him every time he accused me. Ugh.

And even though I always tried to "keep him happy," he still cheated.

In the meantime I'm suffering, and I'm mad at myself for not standing up for myself more.

Meanwhile, I keep thinking I'm leaning toward divorce, but I'm scared of his reaction, and I'm also scared of regretting it. What if I proceed with the divorce but I still love him?

I can't wait till January so I can get counseling because I am truly overwhelmed.

BigMammaJamma posted 12/13/2019 18:23 PM

I am not in any way qualified to diagnose you, but your post screams codependency.

You are not responsible for his happiness. It is good that you have space since he is working in another state. You need to set some boundaries. Perhaps write him an email or a letter and let him know how he makes you feel when he does things you don't like. Tell him that you need a period of separation where communication will be limited to emails about the kids and finances. You can pre-arrange videos calls between them where you can just dial and hand the kids the phone.

This time will allow you to get some fucking clarity. This guy is so worried that you are going to leave (for good reason) that he is hovering, not giving you space to think and that is exactly what you need.

You can do this. Keep reading and posting. We are rooting for you.

dixans posted 12/13/2019 22:14 PM

I am not in any way qualified to diagnose you, but your post screams codependency

Although Iím loathe to admit it, I think youíre right. I know I have a lot to work on. So many actions of mine are dictated by fear of response. Heís been very self destructive in the wake of this, and that worries me. But even before that.... fear of his reactions have shaped my responses and actions. I know how bad that sounds. He has never been physical or anything but words can hurt too.

I really would like some space from communication. But I donít even know how to assert myself like that.

Iím not like this with anyone else. I can stand up for myself. Iím not afraid of confrontation. Iím not timid. But with him i have no backbone.

ShutterHappy posted 12/14/2019 03:53 AM


Iím sorry you are in this form . I suggests that you also seek help with close friends and/or family. Some Betrayed feel shame (maybe you do, maybe you donít), but thereís nothing to be ashamed about. His cheating is 100% on him. Take care of yourself. If not for you, do it for your daughters.

From what I read, you seem to be in the thick of it right now and you seem to be trying to muddle through pretending nothing happened.

Ask yourself... what is it you need right now? Think of you. If you need space, you donít need to answer his text, or even sleep in the same bedroom. Perhaps you can ask him to temporarily move out while you figure out what you want to do next?

Iím not so sure pretending to have an affair, like another poster suggested is a good idea; Iíd be worried by the fact that heís extremely jealous; do you think he could turn violent? If you think itís a possibility, let us know and weíll advise. From what you describe here, I find his behavior worrysome.

You are in infidelity and you are suffering. Here on SI, we say you can get out of infidelity either through Reconciliation or Divorce. R is possible with a remorseful spouse who will do anything to rebuild trust. Does this sound like your husband? If no, you should consider D.

Are you taking care of yourself? Post often, you have been heard.

The1stWife posted 12/14/2019 05:49 AM

Yes your CH will be mad if you donít cater to him. He will yell and be like a child not getting his own way.

But if you have a plan to face it - you are taking the first critical steps toward independence. Getting away from his emotional blackmail over you.

If he yells - leave the room. Walk away. Do not respond.

If he yells - ignore him. No response. No reaction.

If he ignores you - he thankful for the silence. Ignore him too.

When he learns he cannot control you he will change his behavior.

I learned this the hard way. My H was never abusive but I gave in on things to avoid an argument. After his last affair I decided I was no longer backing down. We once had an argument over cereal - it was about saying you agreed to something and turning around and doing the opposite. It was about the disrespect.

He finally agreed his behavior was disrespectful. He understood my point. He doesnít do that anymore. But it was hard to assert myself at first. But once I did it got easier for me.

You can do this. Watch what happens when Mr Cheater starts to lose control. You will be proud of yourself for having taken the first hard steps to remove yourself from his abuse and control.

Cooley2here posted 12/14/2019 08:58 AM

I have gotten tired of the term codependency. What I see in posts like yours is someone who has been manipulated since the beginning of the relationship.. Itís all about power. The person who is the most in love has the most to lose. He got his power fairly quickly and chipped away at your self-esteem. There is no simple answer except learn the word ďNOĒ. Itís the most powerful sentence in the English language. He learned how to do this in childhood. It is all about playing mind games with an unsuspecting person. The most vulnerable person to him is you so you were easy. What happens if you divorce. You will go on with your life. You will pick yourself up and find a life. Sometimes it really is that simple.

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