Short version:
On November 4, my husband of 10 years woke me up in the middle of the night to come clean that he had cheated on me.
Sorry for how long this is going to be. I have so many emotions and I’m trying to provide as much context and insight as possible.
(Very) long version:
I married my husband when I was 19 and he had just turned 25. He was in the military, I was a college student, and I (foolishly) gave everything up to marry him. Dropped out of college, moved to the middle of nowhere, etc. He hasn’t been in the military since 2011 and has become very successful in his career. Relationship-wise, things have always been kind of rocky from MY perspective. We have good periods, but he has a quick temper and is prone to name calling, insults, and generally denigrating me. He comments on my lack of education, has accused me of marrying him for money (never mind the fact that he was utterly broke at the time we got married), and generally attacks my character. He has always been EXTREMELY jealous. I dismissed this as insecurity despite knowing that it can be a red flag. However, he did have a difficult childhood with an alcoholic (sober for 30 years now) father and lots of turmoil. I have given him a lot of grace regarding his “flaws” based on the unhealthy examples he saw growing up and acknowledging that he doesn’t have healthy coping mechanisms, etc, as a result.
I am from the southeast, he is from the West coast. After he got out of the military, we lived near his family for 7-8 years, rarely visiting my family. However, we decided in early 2018 to move to my hometown for lower COL. We did so in summer 2018. Spring 2019, he was contacted with an offer for his dream job back where we had lived previously. After lots of soul-searching from both of us, we decided together that he should accept because it’s something he could parlay into a similar position locally based upon the prestige of the company, etc. I considered so many factors while we were making this decision, most notably that he is an AMAZING, super-involved, genuinely excellent father to our daughters, now 5 and 7. However, I never, ever considered that he would be unfaithful. He has a very strong sense of duty, family is extremely important to him, and despite other behaviors, he has always seemed to be very loyal. He accepted the job and began April 2019.
It has been an adjustment, but we were all doing pretty well with the change. He has been able to make regular visits here, and on a few occasions has been able to work from home for several weeks at a time. The kids and I have also made trips to visit him when school schedule allows.
I went back to school starting this fall. It has been going really well so far, and I’m so relieved to finally be a full-time university student. Over the past 10 years, I have taken classes here and there but never been able to see it through due to lack of support, i.e, him being unwilling to pay for childcare but also being unwilling to “allow” me to attend evening classes when he could watch the kids for more than one semester. There have been times that I don’t know whether I would have continued the marriage if I’d had a way to support myself and the kids. I DO love him, a lot, but he hasn’t always been very nice to me, and he seems to think that he can buy me presents and that it’s okay to treat me poorly.
In July, the 2 of us took our first trip without the kids, a long weekend away. It was great and I felt really close to him.
However, the next few months were really difficult, because he would CONSTANTLY accuse me of cheating on him. My reassurances meant nothing, and it was really, really bad. Incessant communication, accusations multiple times a day, sometimes an hour. If I didn’t expressly deny the accusations, “No, I don’t have a boyfriend,” etc, he would take it as admission of guilt. He has always been jealous, but it did get a lot worse, coming to a head one weekend in September when I went out for dinner with 3 female friends that he knows well and he wouldn’t stop contacting me, accusing me of cheating, etc, to the point that my friends noticed something was going on. On that weekend I truly thought our relationship was over. However, he ended up being apologetic and I forgave him again.
In October, we took our second trip, another long weekend, to attend the wedding of his best friend. This trip coincided with our 10 year anniversary. The trip was fun. Following, he worked from home here for 2 weeks. It was nice to have him around. In the middle of the night the morning before he left, he woke me up and said, “we need to talk.” So many things went through my mind, like, maybe he’d lost his job and hadn’t told me, maybe he was ill, etc, but never that he had cheated on me. So when he told me, I thought I was dreaming.
Apparently in May, he contacted someone through an app called Wish. This woman had posted something and he replied about meeting her at a hotel room, she agreed, and they met and had sex. I don’t know much about the app, I did download and look at it after he told me but I don’t know if this is a common use of the app.
He claims he was never unhappy at all. He thinks I’m amazing and beautiful and I didn’t deserve this, etc. He has been EXTREMELY apologetic. He told me the guilt was killing him. I kept getting the feeling that I didn’t have the whole story, and a couple days later, with a lot of prodding, he told me that he has downloaded dating apps and similar for basically our whole marriage, and checked them out whenever we had fought or something, but that was the first time he actually reached out to someone. I have no way of knowing whether or not this is true, but I (probably stupidly) have taken it at face value.
I feel like I’m drowning. Some days I feel like I can move past it, but other days it keeps me up at night and I don’t know how I’m supposed to get over it.
Our insurance is in flux but as of January 1 we will have a new insurance provider at which point I’ll make an appointment for therapy, but I haven’t been able to find a provider who takes my insurance that is accepting new patients. I do have longstanding anxiety and right not I feel like I’m in a tailspin.I have always had anxiety but never depression, so I don't want to label it that way prematurely, but it's hard to even get out of bed in the morning, I'm not excited about Christmas and I usually look forward to it all year. I only put up a tree for my kids' sake and even then it was a huge undertaking despite doing the bare minimum. I have still been doing well in school with the exception of one exam I had a week after finding out on which I got a C because I just couldn't focus long enough to study.
Things between us seem fine as long as I pretend nothing happened and that I’m happy and have forgiven him and moved on. He doesn’t like the way sometimes things seems the way they were before, and then unexpectedly I become very upset again. There was an issue regarding whose family we would be with for Christmas and when I started pretty much crying uncontrollably because home is my comfort zone and I don’t feel like leaving my comfort zone right now, he said, “Wow, I didn’t think you’d react this way.”
I just don’t know if I can move past it, but I also don’t want to give up my education AGAIN.
Again, sorry for the length. I will answer any questions in the unlikely event (haha, just kidding) I left something out.