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Too Soon?

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CatsNTats posted 12/10/2019 15:20 PM

So a while back when I was putting myself back out there -prior to WH death, I had been reconnected with a man I knew some years ago. We exchanged phone numbers, but I had put him off because of school - and then WH passing. And my grief and other things.

He's actually a "nice guy." The kind I clearly don't normally go for. He asked me to go out with him tomorrow night.

With this depression that has set in since the holidays hit and with my grief - I don't feel like it. I'm not excited. I'm just kind of blah. But I said yes, because I honestly feel like being cooped up and lonely is probably making my grief worse. I don't know if it is too soon. I am tired of being by myself all the time. Even when I was studying - I had to start finding music I could play so it wasn't so SILENT that I was drowning in loneliness.

I'm hoping that this will be a good thing. I just don't know. I know this guy is not like the rugged a-holes I have always gone for. He may even be too nice for me. And I'm a little worried with how I've been feeling that I may wind up hurting him. Giving him hope for something I'm not sure I have left to give.

Before WH death - I found out that my milkshake still brings all the boys to the yard. And it felt good, but that doesn't even feel good anymore. Like that feeling I had is just dead.

I don't know. What does my SI Fam think?

ThisIsSoLonely posted 12/10/2019 15:31 PM

I say go, and be clear you're not ready for a date or anything (if you in fact are not). One of the things I can say is that everytime I have felt like not going out (which is often) and I've done it, I was happy I did.

DevastatedDee posted 12/10/2019 17:56 PM

Just be honest with him about what you're going through right now. And guard your heart, because it's not unlikely that you'll find something happy and want to grab onto it and hold with all of your strength.

barcher144 posted 12/11/2019 05:57 AM

I am probably projecting, but I get the impression that you and I are similar but in opposite ways.

Most of my friends have been women. I am a very nice person who has always been attracted to narcissistic bitches.

I know this guy is not like the rugged a-holes I have always gone for. He may even be too nice for me.

Why is "too nice" a problem for you?

I ask because, in my case, my mother was such a bitch that I literally learned to associate love and affection with narcissistic abuse. My first therapist told me, I think correctly too, that most of us date someone who is comfortable (i.e., like our parents), which is often very different from "someone who is actually good for us."

As far as your "too soon" question...

It seems to me that your emotions are still exceptionally raw right now. You need to protect yourself. At the same time, I think that going through motions of being a normal person would be good for you.

Can you go out on a date with this guy and still protect your very fragile emotions at the same time? My guess is no, but perhaps? That's kind of up to you to decide.

CatsNTats posted 12/11/2019 13:56 PM

Just be honest with him about what you're going through right now.

DD, when we first exchanged numbers, I explained to him what I had left because he knew me from 3 years prior. I used to spend a lot of time talking to him and his friends when they would pop into my work back then. I was honest and upfront with him to give him the chance to run for the hills if he chose to. We've exchanged brief messages since, but after WH death, they kind of dropped off for a while. He was starting a new job and I was swamped trying to get caught up in my studies.

I had also let him know about WH taking his life - in October. He said he was there to talk if I ever needed it. But I was not about to put that on someone who had an interest in me. I was not trying to muddy the waters with my shit - not having even gotten a chance to see if there may be something there.

CatsNTats posted 12/11/2019 14:08 PM

Why is "too nice" a problem for you?

It's not. I am actually open to it. I'm hoping he will be a breath of fresh air compared to what I've been through in my marriages.

I guess I'm worried that he may like me too much - and if I'm not able to reciprocate that right away, that I'll wind up being the a-hole that hurts him. I know he's different than anyone I've been with. Maybe he won't like me. Maybe I'm too broken.

I don't know. All these thoughts run through my head.

I have a dear nurse friend that has told me - her and I are like the "girl next door" type - and that this is a type. And guys tend to fall pretty hard for women like us. I just don't know where that part of me is right now - the one my friend was looking for last night. The girl almost any guy could be best friends with. I'm not sure how to bring her back out - and I am guarded. Maybe he will bring me back out of my shell. OR maybe I'll scare him right off...

My WH was in a sense - a lot like my father - except he wasn't obese like my dad. There is no doubt about that. I just couldn't see if the first few years. I was so infatuated with him - this tall, handsome, protector, hard ass type that didn't take shit off anyone. At least the first few years. Two years in I still got butterflies in my stomach when I knew he was coming home from work. It was year 3 that things turned and proceeded to get worse and worse. That, or I was just so blinded by my love for him I couldn't see what was happening to me - it is probably this, the latter.

CatsNTats posted 12/11/2019 14:10 PM

. One of the things I can say is that everytime I have felt like not going out (which is often) and I've done it, I was happy I did.

I'm hoping this will be the case for me. Last night just sucked.

barcher144 posted 12/11/2019 17:12 PM

Maybe he won't like me. Maybe I'm too broken.

My GF and I joke that Broken Like Me by Lovelytheband is "our song." At least, I think that we are joking.

Go easy on yourself.

Two years in I still got butterflies in my stomach when I knew he was coming home from work.

My GF claims that people are capable of hiding their crazy for only two years. Something to keep in mind.

CatsNTats posted 12/12/2019 02:56 AM

Okay - I went.

It went well - for the most part. After we decided to move locations to grab a bite because I hadn't had any food in a long time, we kind of ran into some friends of his (that were smashed) and wouldn't leave us alone. So the last third of the date - was, kind of meh.

I could tell he was really embarrassed. But too nice to tell them to fuck off. After we told them we were on our first date, I kind of thought these grown men would take a hint, but they didn't. Once we finally got the bartenders attention we grabbed the tab and bolted.

Um - and he REALLY likes me. A lot.

Shit.

WhoTheBleep posted 12/12/2019 07:23 AM

. I know this guy is not like the rugged a-holes I have always gone for. He may even be too nice for me

If this is how you really feel, then it is definitely too soon for you to be dating. Unless it is your goal to end up being treated like shit by another asshole.

I'm glad you went on the date. If you are ready to be treated well, and you know you deserve to be treated well, then see him again. Just take it very very slow. And let him know you want to take it very very slow.

Incarnate posted 12/12/2019 08:43 AM

I could tell he was really embarrassed. But too nice to tell them to fuck off. After we told them we were on our first date, I kind of thought these grown men would take a hint, but they didn't. Once we finally got the bartenders attention we grabbed the tab and bolted.

Um - and he REALLY likes me. A lot.

Shit.

How do you like him? I mean, I know you are dealing with an incredible amount of shit right now. My heart wept for you when I read your post about what happened. But now that you've gone out with him, setting aside his irritating friends, how do YOU feel?

If the first part of the date went well and he likes you and you like him, maybe consider a second date where the chances of running into said irritating friends will be negligible. I know I am a lot like ThisIsSoLonely; every time I didn't want to go somewhere at first but made myself go, I was very happy I did.

tushnurse posted 12/12/2019 09:50 AM

I am going to pull the Mom card here.

Do NOT allow yourself to get involved with this guy now. He clearly wants more out of a relationship that you can afford to give both mentally, and physically now.

Focus on school. Focus on healing. Pick up a hobby you like and will make you get out and meet people. This will help you heal too.

Don't worry about getting into a relationship right now. Learn that being alone is pretty awesome in and of itself.

CatsNTats posted 12/12/2019 10:46 AM

maybe consider a second date where the chances of running into said irritating friends will be negligible.

This we discussed - we are both homebodies on a normal day. So we may hang out and have a movie night or something.


I'm glad you went on the date. If you are ready to be treated well, and you know you deserve to be treated well, then see him again. Just take it very very slow. And let him know you want to take it very very slow.

I like him - that scares me a bit. I do think he is someone that would treat me well. Sweet freckled red head that blushed at just about anything. He is a few years younger than me which is different - I normally date older.

I am going to pull the Mom card here.
Do NOT allow yourself to get involved with this guy now. He clearly wants more out of a relationship that you can afford to give both mentally, and physically now.

Tush, I appreciate you. He knows I've been through it. When I say he is different - he is - complete opposite of anyone I've taken my chances on. I don't believe he is trying to rush anything since he didn't push things when we first exchanged numbers a few months ago. He understands my goals and what I am trying to do in life - and in school. He doesn't want to stop me from accomplishing that and knows I'm extremely busy when school is ON. He told me that the first time we spoke back then.

I gotta run to therapy. Will touch back on this soon.

[This message edited by CatsNTats at 10:48 AM, December 12th (Thursday)]

lieshurt posted 12/12/2019 11:03 AM

Everything Tushnurse said x2.

You just are not in a healthy position to be dating. It's not right to use this guy to fill a void when he's clearly into you.

tushnurse posted 12/12/2019 11:35 AM

He may have said but he may not
1. mean it
2. capable of controlling his desire
3. thinks he can fix you.

Just be really careful. You have had enough already.

CatsNTats posted 12/12/2019 12:57 PM

Just be really careful. You have had enough already.

I know. I really have.

I just got home from therapy.

I have been 100% honest with this man about what I have been through and what I'm going through from this Summer until now - and how bad things had gotten in mine and WH's home - when we first exchanged numbers. I also let him know when WH had taken his life. His response was - "if you need someone to talk to I'm here." He knows I was a victim of domestic violence. He knows I'm hurting.

I did not feel it appropriate to unload any of this shit on him knowing he has an interest - and has had an interest since I worked at the place he used to frequent with his friends 4 or so years ago. I recently found out he had liked me back then, but knew I was married after asking through the grapevine - of his friends that knew me.


It's not right to use this guy to fill a void when he's clearly into you.

I talked to my therapist about this today too. And she does not see anything wrong with me dating as long as I take it slow - and when I mentioned that I did not want to hurt him - we discussed what he knows. How if he is wanting to see me, he already know what this package comes with and I wouldn't be going out of my way to hurt him, but if it doesn't work out - and he's hurt by that - he also knew what he was getting into and would have a part in any hurt that came from it.

It is never my intention to hurt anyone. I always try to help people. I can't just sit here alone every day. Most of my girlfriends are married with lives and children of their own. Or they live out of state.

I felt better - being out with him last night than I have in a while. He did not try to get in my pants. He didn't push anything. He did walk me to my door at the end of the night and kissed me goodnight. But I would say that is probably a first out of most men I've seen that are just in it trying to get some pussy. And it was nice. I don't want to feel bad about seeing him, but I'm also not going to rush anything either. If I feel like it is going to fast, I'm going to say something and pump the brakes. I don't want to feel bad about this. I have enough things to feel bad about on the daily.

Another thing - my therapist is going to find me a grief support group. She told me I need to let it out, b/c I feel like I can cry on a whim - any second, every day, especially now that I don't have anything going on. And I've been trying to not cry all the time.

My heart wept for you when I read your post about what happened

((Incarnate))- thank you.

[This message edited by CatsNTats at 1:45 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

barcher144 posted 12/12/2019 13:39 PM

To be honest, I am way more worried about your emotions that his emotions. Protect them.

As said above, you have had enough already.

Catwoman posted 12/12/2019 14:01 PM

I disagree with your therapist here.

The speed at which you take a relationship does not prevent romantic feelings from developing on either side. And frankly, you're not ready for that level of complication in your life right now.

I would recommend doing group things--hanging with friends, volunteering, etc., as ways to get your "social" on.

You've been through a major trauma. If you were my daughter (and I have two about your age), I would advise you to make your priorities your schooling and your healing. As you travel along your healing journey, you will find out WHY you have been attracted to the sorts of people you have been with, and you will be CHANGING so that you are actually changing the principles of your attraction to other people, both as friends and as intimate partners.

I would advise this for two reasons. One is obviously your schooling. Concentrate on knocking that out of the park and being successful in achieving your goals. This is what is setting you up for a bright future. Don't short-change that.

The second is that you're not ready for another major disappointment right now. I have found (and others here have found as well), that the first post-trauma breakup (no matter if it is for the right reasons) dredges up all sorts of trauma connected with the original trauma. You don't need that.

I don't want to see you dealing with more complexity than is already in your life. Think long and hard about this. Please.

Cat

DevastatedDee posted 12/12/2019 14:08 PM

I'd advise to watch for red flags extra hard partly because he's so nice and you aren't used to that. I know that I'm paranoid and that likely he's just your average decent human being, but I know how very happy I was to meet my XWH because he was so nice and so opposite of most men I'd dated. Not pushy, considerate, listened to what I said and remembered the important things, seemed empathetic, all his friends thought he was a sweetheart, naive and gentle, was really into me, etc. You're not in a good place emotionally and the "nice" bad ones smell that opportunity like sharks in the water too. I met my XWH after a bad breakup. I'm normally pretty smart and capable, but every red flag he had slipped right under my radar thanks to his sweet boyish charm.

But like I say, he's probably not like my XWH. Just keep your eyes open if you're going to keep seeing him. It may be perfectly okay for you to date now, but you have been through so much and you need to keep your rational side awake and aware and watch out for feelings leading you to spackle over red flags.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 2:09 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

CatsNTats posted 12/12/2019 14:11 PM

I am way more worried about your emotions that his emotions. Protect them.

I agree. I'm also not putting all of my eggs in one basket either. I'm just trying to get out. And not be stuck in my mind. I don't want to fall into a deeper depression. Being cooped up won't help with that.

I haven't lied to him or lead him to believe that I'm magically okay - and I think he can tell anyway. He's a grown man. If he were to tell me he didn't want to see me again, I would understand. I'm not asking anyone to watch me grieve my abusive cheating alcoholic WH. Crazy to grieve someone who did so much damage. But I don't know how to control that. Or pretend everything is okay all the time - like I do in front of my nieces. And typically only in front of them.

I'm meeting an old professor (not as in age old because he's WH age, but as in past) over dinner tonight. But I see this more as networking. We've kept up communication since I left that college last Spring. We (2 of my classmates/friends and him) always talked after class. Being the older students in the class we were more serious about his course and formed a better relationship with him than many of his students that didn't take it as serious as we did.

I just need to be able to get out and not be around people that make me feel bad or lack the empathy I need right now. I love my brother, but his lack of empathy makes it hard to be close to him. I can't talk to him like I used. Since he became an attorney - there is no gray area - just black and white.

I just want to feel something - other than what I have been the last two months (and actually longer than that) because of how lonely I was living in that house in his addiction. It has been years since I have socialized. I was closed off from the outside world and stuck - like a fucking prisoner to his addiction. I pretended I was okay when people saw me. I never discussed WH to anyone - because of the shame (and protecting my abuser). I didn't want people to think poorly of HIM.

I need to feel something different than what I've endured the past 6 years.

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