SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

wanted2believe posted 12/12/2019 10:12 AM

Welp, here I am again. I first joined this site back in 2013 after my WS's first EA with a coworker, then again in 2016 after another EA, and here I am again. I really thought he was done with his wayward behavior. We had so many positive changes in the past three years. I graduated nursing school last year and started working full time in April. We got a new house and I thought we were more "connected" than ever. His old excuse of being financially stressed was no more. We weren't disengaged in any way. He has a pattern of stepping out every 3 years but I really thought this time he finally got it and grew up. Our 7 year anniversary was 10/31 and we literally had a conversation THAT day about how sorry he was to ever hurt me and he would NEVER want to put our marriage in jeopardy like that again.

Then 11/6 at 7:30am I am wasting time scrolling on Facebook when I get a message from a women I had never heard of. I thought it was a scam at first. Then I read the message "Hi wanted2believe, this is OW's husband and it seems my wife and your husband have been messaging behind our backs. My number is xxx-xxxx if you would like to talk about it." I was shocked, yet not surprised. I kept my crap together long enough to get the kids to school. Then I called my sister and went to her house to contact the guy.

He sent me the only screenshots he had which was my husband messaging OW the day before. "Don't have much time today plus step-daughter stayed home from school so I have to be careful. Just a heads up I prob won't holler much tomorrow since I get home early on Wednesdays. I gotta go, I will holler at ya" Apparently, OW's husband had her old phone still logged into facebook and that's how he caught the messages. That morning he messaged my WS through FB "Did you delete the pics I sent?" and my WS responded "which ones? lol" and then "Yeah I delete everything btw" OW then messaged to stop messaging because her BS didn't like their friendship. My WS knew he was caught, deleted her from his friend list and called his boss to change routes (he's a vendor and she was a lunch lady at one of his accounts). He called me twice but didn't say anything. I waited until he got home to confront him. He admitted to it but said she came on to him, he didn't give any details and really at that point I didn't want them. I was DONE!!!

Over the next few days TT began from both of them due to other BS's persistence. He told her I hired a private detective and she gave a few details although she has continued to deny most of everything else. Her BS found naked photos of her on her phone, both still claim only innocent pics were exchanged. She tried to get him to add her on Snapchat but he claims he didn't, yet he knew her username by heart and it was one of the first apps he deleted off his phone after he was caught.

After I told him she was spilling her guts he started spilling his and this is what he did admit. She friend requested him on 10/02. He recognized her from that account but had never really spoke to her nor knew her name. She told him to check his messaged on the 3rd. She sent him something like "Hey you need to slow down when you come by here because I think you are sexy and want to see more of you". He replied "Who me? No I'm not." Then on the 7th he spoke to her face to face and told her this was not a road he wanted to go down again since he's been there before. She said she just wanted to have a little fun and it was all harmless. She gave him her snap and showed him how to use secret messenger to not get caught. They messaged every day I would go to work or left to pick up our kids (2pm-4pm). They didn't talk much in person because they didn't want to get caught. She would follow him to the account after hers but he claims she wouldn't talk to him then, she would just come in to buy a soda. They exchanged lots of sexually charged messages. She told him she wanted to tie him up and ride the f*** out of him. He asked when they would have an all day love fest and when he could wine, dine, and 69 her. Lots of crap like that. WS says the only pics she sent were Snap selfies. They exchanged songs as well. My WS sent Work me slow by Exscape and Lovefaces by Trey Songs. She sent Down Low and Love Affair. I don't know the exact time line but I know they sent songs back and forth at some point, maybe the week of October 13th-19th because OW posted one of the songs (Lovefaces) on her facebook on the 17th. Apparently that day she also posted earlier in the day "It's a good day. Almost that time." That's also the day she took a bunch of nudes and saved them to a secret file on her phone. The week of October 21-27th he was on vacation with me and they didn't message much. The following week was the week of our anniversary and some messages were exchanged...I know they messaged on our Anniversary. She said something about getting nasty thoughts. They were discovered the next week. There has been NC since.

He claims it was all for an ego stroke and there was no intention of going through with anything. I don't know if I believe that. He's apologetic and kissing my butt majorly. He called OW's BS and apologized and told him everything. He's admitted he needs help but hasn't really done anything to find it. He's watched a few videos on infidelity that I sent him. I don't know why I am continuing to spin my wheels.

I have so much more to say but I think I've let enough out for now.

Cooley2here posted 12/12/2019 11:22 AM

He needs therapy. This is no way to live. Every time you left the house they sexted. Third time you know about. What don’t you know?

This is a way of life for him. These aren’t little mistakes. He chose every single thing he has done.

BigMammaJamma posted 12/12/2019 11:31 AM

Why do you accept this?

nekonamida posted 12/12/2019 11:40 AM

W2B, what's going to be different this time? Do you want to risk posting in JFO again in 2022?

I think it's especially terrible that he reassured you he would never risk the marriage again WHILE in another EA. How could you ever trust R'ing with him again when he puts on such a good show and does this behind your back?

tournesoleil posted 12/12/2019 11:46 AM

I am so sorry, w2b. I remember you.
You know the drill - stay hydrated, rest when you can, get your ducks in a row, and know that we've got your back.
To fix him is not your job. Take care of yourself.
Sending hugs and strength.

wanted2believe posted 12/12/2019 11:50 AM

Cooley2here, I agree and he agrees...but he's not actively seeking it. Last time I pushed him to get IC and he went along with it as long as I pushed, I stopped pushing and he stopped going.

BigMommaJamma, I don't know....fear maybe? I was done this time. I didn't want details, I didn't want anything to analyze and obsess over. The other BS kept pushing and that's when the truth (or maybe parts) came out. Then my anger turned to deep hurt. I have felt so many things. Part of me still wishes he will finally get help and be the partner I want him to be, the other part knows that will most likely never happen. To be completely honest, I am damaged and I don't know how to put up boundaries or deliver consequences when needed. I know it's never going to stop because by staying he never faces any real consequence. But then it's heartbreaking and hard to accept that means I will have to move on. I don't know why? I don't want to hurt anymore but I can't seem to let go.

3greatkids posted 12/12/2019 11:50 AM

I’m so sorry. Take care of yourself. And when you are ready, believe who he is showing you he is.

believehalf posted 12/12/2019 11:54 AM

I get hit on, many people do. I shut it down, that’s what safe partners do. There are many means by which to feel good about ourselves. This is not one. You deserve so much more than this.

wanted2believe posted 12/12/2019 11:59 AM

nekonamida, exactly! When it all came out I remembered having a recent conversation with him about how bad he felt for previous betrayals and he promised he would never do that again...and I was almost sure it was in that time frame. It was while watching a paternity court case about a mistress on TV. The episode reaired yesterday which of course triggered me and made me look it up, sure enough the original air date was Oct 31st, our Anniversary and in the middle of the EA.

BigMammaJamma posted 12/12/2019 12:08 PM

I think it is fear, too.

I think it is safe to say we know what your future will be like if you stay with him. Ol' Dr. Phil always says "the best predictor of future behavior is past relevant behavior". Basically, he is always gonna do what he has always done unless he makes a radical change.

What would your future look like without him? What is scary? Finances? Loneliness? Tell us what you are scared of.

I hope you understand that you deserve better this and better than the future he is offering you. As long as he is there, he is acting as a placeholder for someone else that would be putting your needs first and making you feel like the treasure you are. Life is so fucking short and you are wasting precious time with this unthoughtful, half-developed, selfish mental-midget who cannot figure out why he makes such stupid decisions that so negatively impact those he "loves".

wanted2believe posted 12/12/2019 12:34 PM

BigMammaJamma,
Finances for one...we just moved into a new house and the lease isn’t up until July. I LOVE this house but I don’t think I can afford it alone. I guess I could but money would be tight and I worked so hard to be in a position where money was no longer a daily worry.

Being alone? I’m not sure, in a romantic sense I think I would be okay. As a single parent, that seems scary. I worry about my work schedule and getting kids where they need to be without him to help. I would have to move to day shift and that means paying for childcare, which means less money, and then I think what if they get sick?

nekonamida posted 12/12/2019 12:35 PM

To be completely honest, I am damaged and I don't know how to put up boundaries or deliver consequences when needed.

It doesn't come naturally for most of us but just because you didn't deliver a consequence on DDay doesn't mean it's too late. You take it one step at a time just like everyone whose WS forced them into S/D when they didn't want it because of a new DDay.

- Get an IC for yourself preferably who has experience with infidelity and trauma

- Pick up a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie

- See a lawyer. You don't have to file today but you should get an idea of what D would look like so that you can make a decision from a place of strength and not fear.

- Step WAY way back from your WS. 180 him. He wants to fix this? Cool, he can book his own IC/find his own videos/find his own books/etc.

Don't give him ANY pointers. At this point, leading him in R is how he manipulated you into false R TWICE. He took everything he learned and used it to say the right things to you while he murdered your sanity all over again. Anything you send him about R will give him more ammo to make you want to stay while he checks things off a list and finds a new EA 3 years down the line. Trying to get him to R or encourage him or share with him is now officially detrimental to YOU.

DETACH:
Don't
Even
Think
About
Changing
Him

heartbroken_kk posted 12/12/2019 13:35 PM

I'm sorry you are here again, I hope we can help you get out of infidelity once and for all.

You can't change him. This is who he is. He will keep doing this. You've been putting up with it.

Will YOU change? Or will you keep doing the same ineffective things?

I graduated nursing school last year and started working full time in April.

Here's my advice: Keep going on improving your future. Start looking forward to a life without infidelity, one that does not include him as your spouse. Think about the responsibilities you will have to share with him, and treating him as a co-parenting partner ONLY.

Go see a lawyer. Find out how you can negotiate child care, custody, visitation, child support, and so forth. In particular, find out how you can get him to agree to favorable terms in a divorce so you get out into the future without him as baggage.

You can get out of the lease by getting him to agree to pay for the whole thing. Or you can contact the property manager and ask what steps you can do to get out of the lease early with minimal financial impact. You can help by making the house show great and allowing prospective tenants to view it while you are still living there, then move out when they are ready to assume the lease.

You can do so much better. You don't need this man as a husband!

HalfTime2017 posted 12/12/2019 13:59 PM

Enough is enough. Respect yourself!! Do you want to come back onto this site in 2022 again????

Let this scum go. He can go to the OW.

Striver posted 12/12/2019 14:16 PM

Please look at detaching from this marriage.

Honestly, at this point some of the responsibility does rely with yourself. Not in your WH's behavior, but in your tolerance of it. In fact, you seem to double down each time, marrying him, having kids with him, getting a new, better residence.

You would only be fooling yourself in again believing he has changed. If you don't want that, if you indeed want a better life for yourself, you need to put on your big girl panties and break the cycle that you are clearly in.

annb posted 12/12/2019 14:36 PM

Time to start putting you first.

This guy is never going to stop. I don't care of OW approached him first, he didn't shut it down, and had the other BS not found out, this could have turned into a full blown PA.

You are married only seven years, and he's cheated three times. When are you going to say enough is enough?

Sorry he's doing this again, but fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

This is who is he is, not the man you *think* he is.

Do you have any family close by that can help you juggle work/children?

BigMammaJamma posted 12/12/2019 14:53 PM

Those are valid fears. But you know what helps concur fear? Knowledge.

Believe it or not, you are in a pretty good place. You have the ability to make a good income on your own. Single parenthood is an adjustment, but it will be become your new normal after a while and it become regular life, and your wh still can support you as a coparent.

The separation process is a bitch. It sucks. BUT it is finite. It has an end. You just gotta get through. I think you just need to be able to visualize what your life will be like after. Start making a plan.

1. See a lawyer. What does divorce look like? What kind of support will you get? What does a parenting plan look like?
2. Make a budget. How much do you make? How much do you need to survive?
3. Pay down debt and save money.
4. Set a date to move the fuck out.

You will surprise yourself with what you are capable of. Put pen to paper.

I know you love your house, but that doesn't spackle over the nasty festering wound that you have to lie with. There are lots of awesome houses out there.

It is time, sister.

fooled13years posted 12/12/2019 15:12 PM

wanted2believe, it breaks my heart every time a new BS joins but when I read

here I am again

How anyone can betrayed the one they say the love is beyond my comprehension but to see it happen again just gets me riled up.

You do know you deserve much better than this, right?

CatsNTats posted 12/12/2019 15:25 PM

I get hit on, many people do. I shut it down, that’s what safe partners do. There are many means by which to feel good about ourselves. This is not one. You deserve so much more than this.

Right.

And everything Neko said.

Dispirited posted 12/12/2019 20:33 PM

This is your tag line:

"Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing."

I, myself never hid anything, yet obviously and sadly many did the opposite. I will assume that your past experience of infidelity was made aware to your current SO/husband. Forgive me if that assumption is incorrect.

And so- assuming that your current partner was aware of your past hurt, "why" did it take you to play detective (which in itself sucks for obvious reasons) before he attempted to keep it under wraps per se? When someone gets caught, there is always that "tug" between a faithful partner and the proverbial "cake and eat it too".

And that is the crux of many situations- the audacity to think that you can simply get something on the side and as long as no one knows about it, it's 'cool".

And this is in contrast to your tag line."if" he had nothing to hide, then you would not have inadvertently found out otherwise. I have been through a similar situation, therefore I feel so badly for you. Trust. A most important factor in any relationship. Not blind thinking most likely. I'm sure with your past you must have developed a red flag radar.It seems that you did so.

I guess it boils down to this...are you willing to doubt even more than the first time? Or- are you trust worthy of the relationship- especially after being burned before.

Human nature sometimes avoids any logic...our hearts always want to believe that surely, this was a mistake. There is no template that suits everyone...no criteria that suddenly tells us to to run or stay. And understandably, many reasons why that is so- "because" we are all different.

I guess- in my sincere opinion, you have to decide if you're worth more than this. People become afraid of the future and that's understandable. Myself- I was burned and after a bit, I decided that perhaps it was simply a bad choice and unfair to lump everyone in the same category. I refused to lose that trust element.

But like yourself, I got burned again...with a person who was cheated on...a person I was convinced that she would never inflict the same pain done to her. Sadly, she never learned that lesson and cast me aside after 7 years and after the lies, she abruptly replaced me.. Deja Vu all over again.

And since that second betrayal- again...someone who was cheated on as well, I have taken the sad and easy road. No inclination to not gamble anymore. MY choice.

I get it when there are children involved. If I were the woman in a precarious situation, I'd be anxious and fearful about the future. And I'm sure that with many, this fear at times overtakes any reason.

So...I guess- as with so many people who have been thrust into a situation that they unfairly have been presented in, try to step back and weigh (I know, it's not easy) not only any children, but your attempt at happiness. Life isn't easy, but at the same time some people make it much harder than it should be:)

I wish you strength and above all, a time where you will realize that you're worth a decency that most people simply do not get.