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Still Empty after 2 years

HartShotAt80 posted 12/12/2019 20:03 PM

I was just wondering what you do to cope. Like, whats your happy spot? Do you find things that help and what are those things...

Sometimes i get lost in a movie. Theres peace in that alone time at 5 am when youre the only mouse stiring. I can sit and have a coffee, smoke and just listen to the crickets.

Damnit boys ill admit it. She crushed me

The1stWife posted 12/12/2019 20:10 PM

I mentally escape by reading a good book.

At year 3 I was sTill struggling and saw a YouTube video by Will Smith called Fault vs Responsibility. It helped me tremendously. I started really focusing on healing myself. The cheater can only help you heal so much.

The rest is on you.

I decided that even though we reconciled I wasnít going to allow the affair to define my life any longer. It took me 6 years but now I feel completely healed. Iím one of the lucky ones that we did Reconcile but my H was kicking me to the curb to be with the OW.

I understand your pain. But what have you done to help yourself heal? Have you seen a counselor to help you?

Please let us know where you are right now in your life.

HartShotAt80 posted 12/12/2019 20:37 PM

Yes we did start some emotional/coupple counciling... that lasted about 30 minutes. After she heard my story she pulled me to the side and said to keep an open mind about D.

Nuff said from her.

Ive done little things here and there that seem to help. Books and movies and keeping my mind buzy but but but. I enjoied fishing...roughly the same time period she made my personal friends aware of a prior addiction i had. I dont see how that does anything except alter the light of the viewer. Then we had a big falling out, at the lake, infront of them. Lost the respect of one said friend, and another guy (active game warden, hevily intoxicated) was thinking he needed to be hero and come through my car window at me... problem was it wasnt going to be self defense and this prick was coming over my 7 year old to try and get to me. We no go fishing no more.

Enjoied playing pool at a local pool hall a friend works at. Same thing, lets have a huge dramatic fight here on front street and narrowly avoid another fist fight with a drunk 75 pounds bigger than me. Cops got called so I litterly drag her to the car and go home. Apparently, saving a raving drunk from themselves is assult so i went to jail.

Funny part is shes bailing me out and the crack of dawn. Already revised her claims and spoke a few words of truth and charges are dropped. I dont go play pool anymore.

I spent some time just inside my head and was watching my youngest play. Shes not ten yet but close... Shes growing so fast and smart and beautiful, so i know theres some God involved in this. I may be STUPID or using circiluar reasoning when i justify something to myself yet, I cant devide my family.

As selfish as what she did to us is... I feel like it would be my fault if we devided. I might still just be in shock...the title is a typo its been 2 years and still cant eat or sleep right. Gosh i might sleep 14 hours this week, then 14 hrs a day all next week. I dont want to go anywhere or do anything. Not to sound like a kid who just gave up and sat down on the trail, but im lost as what to do

Thumos posted 12/12/2019 22:50 PM

it would help to have some more details about your situation.

Are you still married? how many kids?

What happened in the context of the affair, the course of events?

Did she come clean or trickle truth, minimize, blameshift and gaslight?

Do you know the whole truth?

Has she done anything to make herself a safe partner?

What are you doing hanging out pool halls with your adulterous wife?

Marz posted 12/12/2019 23:43 PM

You're a martyr.

The thing is you count too.

undertherug posted 12/13/2019 05:31 AM

I am so sorry you have to find yourself here. If you have not already done so, please have a full physical workup by your doctor. If you are having trouble sleeping, there is nothing wrong with asking for help. I am not a doctor, but you sound like you may be suffering from depression. Please discuss this with your doctor. You mentioned marital counseling, but if you have not had individual counseling, please do so. The general wisdom on this board is to postpone marital counseling until you have had individual counseling. Please continue to post; it helps sometimes just to get it out.

The1stWife posted 12/13/2019 07:13 AM

Iím suggesting you get counseling for you. If the first person is not a good fit for you - try someone else. Keep trying until you find someone to support you. And help you. And get you to a place where you like life again and embrace it.

Right now you are existing. I get that phase of life. But you need to move past that stage now. Fir the sake of your child.

You are dealing with an affair AND her addiction to drinking. Stop trying to help her and instead help yourself.

fareast posted 12/13/2019 08:26 AM

As I recall from your first post in 2017 your WW cheated at least twice, once with a so-called friend of yours at a barbecue you attended with your family. I know this has been a difficult road for you. You have four children and have been together since you were very young. You stayed but have been conflicted.

Have you been in IC? What has your WW been doing to demonstrate remorse?

HartShotAt80 posted 12/13/2019 08:47 AM

Yeah, she jumped from a moving car to run to another man. I cant seem to get her to have that fire about anything else including me...

When this flirting first started i looked her in the eye and told her she was going to cause us to lose what we had... she never took her foot off the gas. I suppose im the only one who doesnt see it yet.

But thank you for that video...Will Smith is the man

hopefullife posted 12/14/2019 21:19 PM

I'm lucky I get to sleep, but the waking hours are devastating. I rarely get him out of my head. Lately I noticed, the moments I enjoy like watching a movie, a play, are the times I think about him the most. Maybe because those are the things we used to do together. Now I do it alone.


What I try to do is just to let it flow. I know one day he will slowly fade from memory. Be with friends, talk to friends. I try to explore and do things I haven't done before and make new memories where he isn't in the picture.

The1stWife posted 12/15/2019 11:04 AM

Glad you enjoyed the Video. It helped me tremendously.

The1stWife posted 12/15/2019 11:05 AM

Maybe your wife is just not a person to reconcile with.

Stop trying to fix her. Stop trying to Change her into something she will never be (monogamous). Just a suggestion

sisoon posted 12/15/2019 13:53 PM

She cheated and gets you into fights. That is not a recipe for a good relationship.

From what you write, your W is not a candidate for R. From what you write, you're not modeling healthy behavior to your kids. (Description, not criticism.)

I urge you to change what you're doing, since it simply isn't helping you or your kids. If you can't do that, I urge you to get help from a good IC.

I second the suggestion to talk to your doc about possible depression.

If you read, I urge you to start Co-Dependent No More. If you see yourself described in the book, or if you have a strong negative reaction to what you read, the book may be about you. (And that would be a description, not a criticism.)

Another piece of reading that may help is 'The Simplified 180' - https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=598080&AP=101&HL=.

Again from what you write, you won't find your happy spot until you get your time around your W to a minimum.

Unfortunately, you are the only one who can do anything to help you. We can make suggestions, but you need to adopt them. We can also keep encouraging you.

What do you need, brother?

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:54 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]

HartShotAt80 posted 12/15/2019 22:05 PM

Wow youre a happy person

First wife ive read alot of your posts here. Sorry to have met you under such poor circumstances, but i am glad i did. Something tells me we would be friends. I will admit i first saw the video and thought how much can you help me in 2 minutes, haha. But its turning out to be the biggest little chunk of gold ive found in a while. cheers

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