HauntedEcho posted 12/12/2019 22:09 PM

I'm feeling so terribly sad tonight. I made the mistake of reading an article about the stages of an affair. It's making me obsess again. He will never give me answers for how long it has been going on because if he did his other lies would fall apart ("they only kissed"). It doesnt matter. He said he loves her and not me. He said she is better. I should just accept that he is a shit and stop seeking answers right? My heart is so broken though. I want to know how he could look in my eyes everyday and lie that he loved me. I want to know how he could lay next to me in bed, have sex with me, call me by my pet name, laugh with me, and eat my special dinners. All the while planning his escape from me and giving her the intimacy and date nights I had asked for, for so long. He grew bored of me I can't imagine trusting another man. It would take so many years. I trusted him completely. And now he's off, happy with her, getting all the cuddles and exciting sex he could want. I know its a defect in him but I feel so worthless. I gave him everything. I thought he was my best friend when in reality he didnt care about me at all. I've been trying to "fake it til I make it" throughout this divorce process. It's only hurting me, and I know it's messed up but I wish I could go back in time before I knew about this and have one more hug from the man I considered my life partner. Because now he's dead to me, but I have to see this cruel stranger in court on Tuesday and that will surely bring my shaky walls down again. I know he has mocked me to his family and portrayed me in a negative light to his girlfriend. How humiliating if he could tell them of my weakness. I long to harden my heart to him and stop loving him. It's so hard to absorb this reality where he has become my enemy, trying to tear me down at every turn. I think of all the times he would fall asleep on the couch and I would cover him with a blanket, stroke his face, and watch him sleep. I loved him so much. I wonder if anyone will ever love me that much, and if I will ever be able to heal enough to feel it. Thank you for letting me pour my heart out. Everyone here has been so kind.

[This message edited by HauntedEcho at 10:23 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

3greatkids posted 12/12/2019 22:44 PM

I’m so sorry. I don’t have much I can say, but I want you to know you are heard and you are not alone. I hope you will find some peace and strength to get through court. Hold your head high.

BearlyBreathing posted 12/13/2019 00:27 AM

HE, what you feel is normal. And It sucks. He has shown you who he is, but the dang heart holds on for so long. NC really helps. I found when I fell off NC, talking to him made me feel worse. Like a horrible hangover.

You will gain a different perspective over time. And you will feel better. It’s all so fresh and raw right now.

Are you in IC? That has helped me a lot. And journaling. Exercise. And re-reading a list of all he did.

Take care- feel the feelings, cry the tears, but try to stay NC. It really helps. Sending hugs...

skeetermooch posted 12/13/2019 00:57 AM

I'm sorry, HE.

You didn't deserve this.

BigBlueEyes posted 12/13/2019 04:40 AM

Hi HE,

I don’t come into this forum usually, but your title spoke volumes to me.

So here I am with my 0.2p worth,

Get those bitch boots on & hold your head up high, firstly it will give you some confidence you need, secondly for some self esteem, Do it for you.
Doesn’t matter what his bit on the side thinks of you...she will one day know how you are feeling as he’s going to do the same to her.
His family doesn’t matter either...they know what he’s done so if they condone it, IMO they aren’t any better than him!

He’s the 1 loosing an awesome wife & life partner, you are gaining freedom to find your new path.
It’s not easy but you can & will get through this, fill your time with family & friends, hobbies anything you fancy doing, I keep myself so busy I hardly ever think of my STBXWH,
I’m only a couple months in to this myself so I don’t have much wisdom,
however I love my life without a master manipulator, bully & cheat.
Trust me it gets better & better on a weekly basis,

Good luck on Tuesday you can do this.

heartachenpain posted 12/13/2019 11:10 AM

I first want to say I’m really sorry that your husband did this to you and that you are experiencing the pain you are. Hopefully this site will help you to get through the divorce and help get you through this. I know it’s been somewhat of a help to me. If this was a wife doing this and not a husband I would have thought I wrote this. The questions of how you could be looked in your eyes and told you how much you were loved, cuddling in bed etc. really hit home with me. I have been repeatedly asking myself all those exact things. The feelings of worthlessness and like you lost a best friend also really resonates with me. I too don’t think I will ever be able to trust or give my heart to anyone else. It certainly doesn’t feel possible anytime soon. Once you’ve put EVERYTHING into a relationship it’s really hard to imagine risking that again. The only thing I haven’t done is start the D process. Did you initiate that or your husband? I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it even though I know there it’s time. It’s hard for me to do because I made a promise to myself, her and God to fight until death for my marriage. I recently asked her to fight for our marriage with me but she completely blew it off and talked of our marriage as if it had been over to her which made me realize I’m fighting for a marriage that’s non existent. It made me feel like my heart got ripped in a million pieces and I would spend a lifetime trying to put it back together. Wish there was some type of advice I could give. I hate that we are all here having to share such painful shit when it should be the complete opposite. I pray you find some comfort in your heart and mind. I can feel your pain through your words. I’m sorry if it helps at all just know there are still men out there who won’t look you in your eyes and lie to you.

bella444 posted 12/13/2019 11:41 AM

HauntedEcho - I'm sorry you are here, none of us want to be. This is absolutely devastating, I know. I also feel like I could never go through this again, the 'what ifs' are terrifying. Things will improve! Your WH may say the OW is better, but she isn't. Once those rose colored glasses come off, he'll realize what he's lost in you. I'm thinking of you, hang in there :)

WhoTheBleep posted 12/13/2019 15:55 PM

(((HE)))

Wow, if you weren't in so much pain, I would say your post is beautiful. You so clearly put into simple words exactly how you are feeling. And we have all been there. We get you.

Know this. You will not always be in this pain. Time will pass and you really will heal. You have to be proactive and force yourself in the beginning. Keep posting and reading here. Do little things for yourself that bring you Joy. One minute at a time. It will get better.

And yes, you will be capable of giving and receiving love, again. And it will be all the more sweet for the pain you have been through. Many of us here have walked this infidelity path and found love again. Heal yourself, first. Know that you are whole, just as you are. Any romantic relationship will simply be the icing on the cake.

rebplay posted 12/13/2019 19:39 PM

Hauntedecho- I’m so sorry you’re feeling so miserable and going through what you are. You’re worth loving and sound like a very special person. Your h is seeking a fantasy that won’t last. Their human sides and bad characteristics will show to each of them and their thing won’t stay rosey. I’m convinced of that. It’s a horrible tug to love the one that torments you. I haven’t conquered it yet either. It’s a tough ass road. Know that others understand where you’re at.

Bleu posted 12/14/2019 22:03 PM

I've been obsessing the past few days as well. One of my friends asked me why asshat and I can't communicate the way we did previously. I thought back to the communication breakdown and well, there was a bit of sadness.

I realized exactly when he threw the marriage away and it's hurtful. I had the good fortune of seeing just how awful he was when I investigated for divorce complaint. It was oddly cathartic since I realized it was just him. He is not a good partner for anyone. Likely will never be.

I found it helpful earlier in the year to have something social planned during the week. Looking forward to an event helped keep me in the present.