SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just found out my husband who travels the world for work has been cheating for 3 years. He said it’s all been online but I suspect otherwise. I don’t know where to go from here because I thought we had a great marriage of 34 years. His excuses are “it was exciting, you seemed busy with other things” etc. I felt guilty at first maybe should have dressed better worn more make up etc. I read “how to get past what you will never get over” and it helped some. I can’t help but feel broken and wonder if he really was cheating for our entire marriage vs the supposed 3 years. And I guess I never will know. So he goes to therapy and I sit home wondering. This all happened a few weeks ago. Actually Halloween, damn scary time after all. I’m literally sick to my stomach over this. Almost

No one knows either.

I did. He traveled so much, and I never questioned it until I found out he was cheating (and using travel as his cover).

This is not yours to fix--it is for him to fix. Yes, you need to heal with or without him, but he has to be the one to commit to fixing the marriage.

Personally, I doubt it was all online. Most EAs (Emotional Affairs--no physical contact) are EAs only due to lack of opportunity to move to a PA. He had plenty of opportunity.

If he cannot commit to radical, total honesty about his activities and come clean about everything, I'm not optimistic about reconciliation.

I would get into IC for myself (with someone who has a lot of experience with infidelity) and focus on my own healing. You cannot change him--he has to change him.

Cat

Hi Katieing:

No similar experience here, but you have been heard. As a general rule cheaters lie and minimize. I doubt you have the entire story. Get tested for STD’s. Read in the healing library. Take care of you. Eat healthy and exercise. Get IC for you. He needs to be transparent with his phone and devices, and prepare a written timeline of his A. If you need more set up a polygraph test with specific questions. He should be more than happy to oblige. If he is still in his A or unremorseful read about and implement the 180, and stop doing things for him. See an attorney to learn your rights.

Most importantly do not blame yourself for his shitty choices. WS’s often try to blameshift rather than take responsibility for their actions. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused him to cheat. Shut down any attempt to blame you. It’s a bullshit rationalization. He cheated because he wanted to do it. Plain and simple. You are in control moving forward. Always value yourself. Do not do the pick me dance. You are the prize. You decide what you need if you decide to try and stay in the M. If you need him to quit his job t9 help you feel safe he should do it. If his cheating is a dealbreaker for you, so be it . It is for many. File for D and move on. Be vigilant. Watch thoughts his actions and not his words. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 1:01 PM, December 13th (Friday)]

My H traveled extensively. His A was here in our city.

But I guess he could lhave cheated while traveling too.

How sad! Such poor choices made and the cheater then blames the BS.

I'm the opposite. I'm the work traveler, as in sometimes every week or twice a week in particularly busy periods, then it slacks off.

I can objectively say that I'm a pretty attractive guy, especially for a man almost 50, and there could have been plenty of easy opportunities, but I was the one who was faithful over a quarter of a century together. She was the one who broke our vows, while I was out of town on a work trip. It was the perfect opportunity for her to arrange for sex in our home during the day.

Needless to say, every time I go out of town on a work trip, I'm slightly triggered about whether she's going to do it again.

P.S. I feel more than a little foolish in retrospect for being such a straight arrow Boy Scout over the years and it's something I struggle with now. Just sayin'

My WW travelled a fair amount during the early parts of her adultery. She travelled with her AP who she supervised and had sex from corner to corner of the agricultural area of Alberta, Canada. Everywhere I go she and he have been there. Some of the trips were up to 6 nights away.

T/j, I like how you clarified work wise, so the Irish kind wouldn't get confused.

Stop wondering. Insist on a timeline of his affair (s), subject to a polygraph test... and going forward, repeat as often as necessary for your sanity and peace of mind.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 2:21 PM, December 14th (Saturday)]

His excuses are “it was exciting, you seemed busy with other things” etc

You could have cheated and say the exact same thing... but you didn’t. Those are only excuses, he’s a 100% to blame. And if he doesn’t change his tune... why would you consider R with a unrepentant WH?

Yes. My husband traveled a great deal. That's how he was able to have an affair.

Once I found out, his traveling came to a screeching halt. He told his boss he could not travel temporarily (when he did, I tagged along) and during that time found a new job that required very little travel.

Don't allow your husband to blame you for his cheating...he had other options, communication, counseling, leaning on a trusted friend, separation, he chose to cheat. That's on him.

Ask him to take a polygraph.

My WH travels for a living and made his cheating very easy as I trusted him on the road and when he said he had a job, I believed him. He still travels for his job (no way around it) and goes to OW city for work as well as everywhere else I. The world, but it makes it so much harder now. I have access to all of his passwords, can se his phone at any time, I check his google activity (this is the most beneficial in knowing what he is doing on his phone) and we have the Life 360 Ap so I know where he is.

My wife did and does travel frequently. There is no getting around this part of her job. She used her travel to enable her infidelity. I still get that sinking feeling in my stomach when she travels now and something happens (she doesnt call on time, I cant get a hold of her).

My H travelled to see his family in his home country and took those opportunities to see his AP.

Makes me sick to think about it because he went to " our " favorite city to meet up with the whore.

He also took a " solo " trip to Italy for business and met up with her there too.

I’m so sorry you’re here.

My ex travelled frequently for work during our 7 years together. He cheated during many of those trips, in varying degrees. Sometimes just drinks or dates, sometimes kissing, but eventually sex for sure. Online messaging/texting was always part of the equation. I didn’t get the whole truth until this year, and I am sure I still don’t know everything. Eventually I left him, but it took a lot for me to see him for who he truly is. Hope is a dangerous thing to live on when you’re dealing with a liar and cheater.

Please, no matter what your husband tells you, do get a STD test as soon as you can! 3 years is a long time even if that much is true, and he likely had many opportunities to take things however far he wanted. You’ll find many stories here similar to yours, unfortunately. Do NOT trust a word he says... even if you want to. Remember, this is your time now. Eat, sleep, exercise, read through the Healing Library, take care of yourself and don’t give him anymore of your wonderful self.

My ex used AA as the vehicle for her deceit. She asked me to support her on her "healing journey," and so I spent many nights at home with our daughter, while she went out "to meetings" or "to celebrate an AA friend's sobriety."

I guess it wasn't a total lie, as she met her AP in AA. He was an oxycontin junkie (active).

It really hurt that I sacrificed in order to help her and she used it to fuck up my head, heart and loins far beyond the duration of our 20 year marriage.

The very first time my H traveled for work, he had an A.

We hadn’t been apart in 18 years for any longer than his 3 day camping trip to the woods with his granddaddy and great uncle every other year around thanksgiving. Essentially the first weekend of rifle season.

The very first time ever leaving the country and he shit the bed on that opportunity to ever be able to do it again. Travel is not required in his line of work, just increased pay and per diem. Company paid lodging too.