"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

landclark posted 12/14/2019 09:07 AM

Does anybody else find it strange how quickly the W can turn on the AP? Like going from thinking the AP is a friend or even more one day, to thinking they’re less than, not good people, even agreeing that they’re trashy the next day? How can a person chase after somebody for years, and then immediately after DDAY just completely shut it off? They were good enough during the chase, and now they’re not? In the case of the first AP, he apparently pined after her his entire adult life, and now nothing?

Don’t get me wrong, I do think the APs are horrible people and I want him to see that so he’s not tempted to go back. Is it just generally accepted that the W goes after people who have a lot of character flaws because those are the people more likely to participate in an affair, and then upon dday they just wake up and see that? (For the ones that do wake up)

I realize it likely means he didn’t really care about any of the APs, but I still just find it odd. It makes me wonder if he’s lying. If not, should I be concerned that somebody can just completely shut off their feelings overnight? At least 3 of the APs were LTAs (4 years, 4 years, and then at least 3 years, two of whom he loved, or so he said). What does that mean for me? I feel like we could separate tomorrow and he could be in somebody else’s bed the next day, with no issue. Maybe the feelings were just never real at all? But then why put on the show?

Maybe I’m just overthinking it. Is this all part of coming out of the fog? Just normal realization that what he thought was so wonderful really wasn’t? I guess I should be thankful he snapped out of it quickly?

This really isn’t meant to be a rant against waywards. Just something that is on my mind. All perspectives welcome.

layla1234 posted 12/14/2019 09:15 AM

Struggling with this as well. My wayward had feelings for his AP our entire marriage. I always suspected, but he finally confirmed it. There were many instances where they got too close and I told him I was uncomfortable, but then he would go underground in a sense and never told me about any subsequent contact. It makes me wonder if they were in an EA all this time. It sucks.

cocoplus5nuts posted 12/14/2019 10:01 AM

It would concern me if someone just shut off their feelings like that. It tells me one of two things, either he never cared about the OP, or he's lying.

The idea of my fch cheating with someone who was completely inconsequential would be a serious problem for me. Using people like that and being willing to destroy me for essentially nothing is heartless, evil, cruel.

The flip side of him lying about his feelings would be unacceptable, too, but not quite as horrific to me. I don't find it so horrifying that my H could develop feelings for, or an attraction to, an OW. It happens. It's what's done about those feelings that matters.

My fch did not flip a switch on dday. He went underground with the EA part for another month. He eventually decided on his own that he needed to cut things off with her and focus on me if he wanted to save our M. He had time to ease himself out of it. I wouldn't have known about the further communication if he hadn't told me. I didn't have to deal with seeing him pine for her.

But, yeah, I see someone who can just flip a switch and instantly turn all of that off as cold, heartless, and dangerous.

ChamomileTea posted 12/14/2019 10:41 AM

Two possibilities. One.. they're lying to us. Just saying whatever they think we want to hear in order to keep the peace. And two.. the switch flipped. It stands to reason that a truly remorseful WS will look at the things he's done and feel really bad about them. He'll hate himself for behaving like an asshole and he'll be angry with the one who encouraged him to be so awful. He'll look at her with new eyes. He sees the monster in himself and he sees it in her and he hates it.

I always encourage a foundering WS to really look at the AP. The AP is a mirror, just showing a cheater what he wants to see. But when he takes off his beer goggles and looks closely, he sees everything he was hiding from himself. When that fantasy bubble is popped and a WS is staring flatly into the face of perfidy... they don't always like what they see. Switch flipped.

gmc94 posted 12/14/2019 12:13 PM

My WH's girlfriend dumped him by telling me. So I suspect that had a heckuva lot to do with his ability to immediately "about face" (I guess it's karma that she betrayed him).

Funny, the other recent AP ('made out' as the LTA was maybe winding down) reached out to WH a couple of times and WH did not disclose the breach of NC. I suspect he would deny it, but I've always wondered if he was unable to detach from THAT AP because she did not betray him like his LTA girlfriend did. He was still her KISA and he still wanted (needed?) that ego kibble.

The idea of my fch cheating with someone who was completely inconsequential would be a serious problem for me. Using people like that and being willing to destroy me for essentially nothing is heartless, evil, cruel.

That pretty well sums it up. It's funny how a WS thinks by claiming their AP "meant nothing" somehow makes it better for the BS. However, IMO, no matter what "feelings" a WS claims to have had (or not) for an AP, they were always using each other and were willing to destroy their BS and their M for something that was, in reality, 'essentially nothing'.

skeetermooch posted 12/14/2019 13:40 PM

Perhaps getting caught snapped him out of the fog?

I feel like we could separate tomorrow and he could be in somebody else’s bed the next day, with no issue.

And there's that - I do think this is generally true with cheaters - maybe particularly the personality disordered cheaters. Definitely one of the most hurtful behaviors they demonstrate. They discard us and retrain their gaze in record time.

Nanatwo posted 12/14/2019 17:50 PM

He definitely had strong feelings for her - he left me and they were going to build a life together in LaLa land. Then he got scared - felt he had moved too fast - asked to come back. Six months later I discovered the A had gone underground.

That was when I put my bitch boots on - texted her if she wanted a lying cheating asshole she was welcome to him. Then told him to pack his stuff and I would take him to her as I wanted him GONE!

He said at that moment reality hit him like a ton of bricks and he truly realized what he was about too lose - me, his kids, his home - and he realized that what he felt for her was nothing compared to everything that meant the most to him in his life.

Did he pine for her - did he miss her? If he did he had sense enough not to tell me - but I saw no evidence of the "fog". He told me all feelings for her died very quickly because he realized how horrible his actions had been and she was a willing partner that saw nothing wrong in helping to destroy an innocent family for her own selfishness.

I asked once asked him "What kind of woman wants a man that can just walk out of a 30 year marriage and what kind of man wants that kind of woman?" He said at that moment he realized he didn't want that kind of woman and he definitely didn't want to be that kind of man.

I believe feeling for the OP can die very quickly when they realize those are not healthy feelings - but are based on lies, deceit and emotional brokenness.

hopefullife posted 12/14/2019 21:34 PM

I found it hard to believe that feelings could be turned off like that. When we tried to R I asked him many times if he missed the AP, because I would consider it normal and so that we can do something about it. He denied denied denied. What pulled the trigger was when he took it underground, missed the AP one day and decided not tell me, took it back to the affair it once was. He's weak. He's sick. He chose the easy way out

[This message edited by hopefullife at 9:36 PM, December 14th (Saturday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 12/15/2019 08:39 AM

no matter what "feelings" a WS claims to have had (or not) for an AP, they were always using each other and were willing to destroy their BS and their M for something that was, in reality, 'essentially nothing'.

Yes, there's this. It's easy for me to say I would have a serious problem with an A with no feelings because that's not what I experienced. The fact is that neither way is better or worse. It's all shit.

I think my fch started to realize his AP wasn't such a wonderful person when she admitted that he was her 3rd A. He wasn't as special to her as he thought. He got tricked and taken advantage of.

landclark posted 12/15/2019 09:46 AM

Thank you all for the feedback. I really appreciate it.

I’ll read everything again later when I’m in a better headspace. Having a really rough morning.