Can someone please just tell me I'm not crazy and an awful person? Last night, I completed the two-part parenting class that is court-mandated to get divorced in my state, and both sessions were traumatic and made me feel horrible about my situation.
The worst part was this participant who kept saying it should be everyone's goal to be friends with their ex. She herself somehow has achieved this after two years of being separated from her husband, who'd led a double life and had an entirely separate family. She said, "If I can do it, anyone can!"
I got stuck in a breakout group with this woman and stupidly felt I needed to share why I wasn't able to be friends with my ex (emotional/psychological abuse in the marriage that I could only see after he left me, PTSD from the affair, etc.). At the end of my story, she just asked if I was in therapy. The impression I got was it was my problem that I didn't want to set a goal to be friends with STBX and I was doing a disservice to my kid.
The class went over how to "coparent," which is not really my situation since STBX just sees our teenage son when he feels like it, about once a month, while I do all the parenting.
On top of that, they talked about how hiring lawyers is bad and mediation is so much better; kids have much worse outcomes from high-conflict divorces; and kids who have witnessed their parents being hurt in a marriage will have a really tough time in life.
Since my situation falls into all those awful categories, I left feeling like I've permanently screwed up my son and I'm a miserable failure who can't be enough of a grownup to put my son's needs first. I know that's not true, but it all felt so crappy.
I am in IC, a divorce support group, doing all I can to take care of myself and my son. This entire time, I've taken the high road with STBX (but have been NC except money and kid for many months) and always tried to support the relationship my son wants to have with him. I'm working on myself to learn and grow from this. But I am NOT planning to be "friends" with STBX -- that would be taking a huge step backwards in my recovery.
This just triggered all the crap that broke me down and kept me in a marriage with a toxic person in the first place -- self-doubt, wondering if the other person is right, if I could be a better person, if I should do more, if everything is my fault, etc, etc. UGH! Please help me stop spiraling.