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More Great Discussions w DD

Cheatee posted 12/30/2019 10:41 AM

Some of you may recall my story, where XWW threatened suicide to DD's face, thus exempting XWW as DD's anger target, as XWW encouraged DD's anger redirected at safe parent (yours truly). This caused a huge strain between DD and me, but I've hung in there in the four years since and things have gotten much better.

Yesterday DD and I had some deep discussions (prompted by her) in which she expressed: great relief that I kept the house, mild positivity about my GF moving in, curiosity about meeting my GF's daughter (mutual curiosity) and strong approval of all the upgrades in the house my GF and I have made in anticipation of cohab.

But most encouraging was DD reinforcing her appreciation for me not badmouthing her Mom, or fishing for info about her Mom through her (DD). She contrasted this with Mom's behavior, who is often haranguing DD about DD's get togethers with me and my family. "What did they say about me?" "Did Cheatee ask about our family? And what did he specifically ask?" is the gist of her desperate curiosity. Of course, my family is going to be gracious around my DD.

XWW also storms around the house a lot, cursing me and blaming me for her jumping on a junkie's dick repeatedly while we were married. Nevertheless, DD is becoming quite introspective (a good bit of therapy helps a lot) and noted that one of the reasons she stays with her Mom when she's home from college is that Mom needs her emotionally and that in contrast, I've handled things well. DD understands this is not a healthy dynamic, so she resists the role reversal her mom seems to want. Nevertheless, she indulges Mom a bit. And of course, I can't help but feel more than a little perturbed that XWW's punishment for being a shitty parent is getting the majority of DD's time, while my reward for being emotionally stable about it, is less.

Overall, it was clear that DD has done a whole lot of processing, that she is well beyond fantasies of Mom and Dad reuniting and is figuring out a healthy view of family complexities going forward.

She graduates this May and hopes to parlay her yearlong internship in fashion marketing in NYC into a permanent job (if such a thing exists anymore for millenials).

I'm very, very proud of her for succeeding in sorting through the mess she's had to deal with and emerging with emotional competence and peace.

Of course, XWW wants to view herself as the real victim of the family implosion she created. In a weird turn of events, I think she is right.

Jorge posted 12/30/2019 11:07 AM

Good gracious cheatee. You're blessed beyond belief to have such a daughter. Her maturity is beyond her years and everyone benefits, including the one needing it the most even if she doesn't think or know so,..... your wife.

nomudnolotus posted 12/30/2019 11:19 AM

Good job to you Cheatee for being the stable parent despite everything.

Just a word of caution for your daughter and I don't even know how you would bring this up with her.

The dynamic between your daughter and XWW potentially set her up to be in an abusive relationship. There is nothing you obviously can do about that but I don't know if there is some way that she can become aware of that?

gmc94 posted 12/30/2019 12:01 PM

Good for you Cheatee. My DS's biodad was a real piece of work (the avoided prison by the skin of his teeth kind), and as completely effed up and awful as it was, he (and HIS family) was still invited to our home for Chrismas, birthdays, etc. until he (finally) moved across the country from me. Just being in the same room as the man gave me the willys. But I somehow knew to "be the bigger person" and to avoid (I was never 100%, but did pretty well IMHO) bad mouthing or belittling him to DS.

DS worshiped his biodad and treated my WH (whom he's known since age 2) pretty crummy.... until he went to college. When he came home for xmas after his 1st semester at college, I came across an essay he wrote describing how he missed having family dinners (something he griped about his whole life).

I'm so glad that I was able to rise above and that my DS was able to work through it and see his biodad for what he really is.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 12:45 PM, December 30th, 2019 (Monday)]

ZenMumWalking posted 12/30/2019 12:35 PM

High fives Cheatee, you ROCK parenting!!!

Phoenix1 posted 12/30/2019 12:59 PM

Waiting humbly in the wings, continuing to be the safe, stable, supportive parent is now paying off big dividends for you. Congrats on staying the course! You've done a great job.

fareast posted 12/30/2019 13:19 PM

Congrats and well done. Not only for being the stable parent but also taking the high road and not continually bad- mouthing your EX, even though she so richly deserves it. You will continue to reap the dividends as the comparison becomes more stark and your dd matures into adulthood.

[This message edited by fareast at 1:19 PM, December 30th (Monday)]

BearlyBreathing posted 12/30/2019 13:19 PM

This is great!!

nekonamida posted 12/30/2019 13:22 PM

Cheatee, I've always worried about your DD since you got here. It was clear how negatively your XWW was affecting her. It's wonderful that she has gotten through this as good as she did and awesome that she's in therapy and handling this in a healthy way. She will be just fine in NYC and it sounds like there's a good chance her introspection will gradually translate into more time for you and less for XWW when she gets more fed up and starts setting some boundaries.

Cheatee posted 12/30/2019 16:21 PM

Nomudnolotus, Nekonomeda,

Youre correct that the inverted Mother/Daughter relationship is extremely unhealthy. I dont know that it will precisely manifest itself in DD being vulnerable to abuse. Shes tough as nails and takes no shit from anyone, but yeah, its deeply concerning.

Not much I can do but take comfort in DDs awareness of its existence and its unhealthiness. Also, DD is very determined to live far away and be as independent as possible, thus Im hopeful the distance will mitigate the harm of the dysfunction.

P.S. DD (21) wants to meet GFs DD (27) for drinks, and vice versa. Cautiously stoked. GFs DD is pretty awesome too. Shes a therapist whos been through some of my DDs same shit.

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