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Christmas Eve D-Day

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heartbrokeninNC posted 1/4/2020 14:21 PM


Hello y'all, how is everything going? I'm writing this after almost ten days (12/24) finding out that my wife was carrying on a three month affair, which is still ongoing, with some guy out of state. I had to find this out from my 15yo DD who happened to be on my wife's iPad (watching Netflix) at the house when the texts started rolling in between W (on her iPhone) and AP saying that she could not wait to be with him in 8 days. (This was on 12/12, I found this out after the fact). W was on her way home from work at the time stating how she loved him and what not.

W headed out on the so called business trip on 12/20. She let DD know that she was going and loved her. I saw her out the door that morning with a kiss and she said that she loves me (little did I know that this would be the last kiss I would ever give my wife of 19 ½ years and that this was her symbolic way of walking out on the marriage). DD asked me that night if mom was really on a business trip and I reassured she was. This was an odd question and she said “that you deserve better Dad”. Thought nothing of it. My DD held on to this revelation for almost 10 days before she finally confronted my W with me in the room on Christmas Eve about her cheating on me. Turned to the wife and asked if this was true and she said that “she could not answer”, which is a total yes in my book. As I pressed more about it she finally said it was true and that they “have chemistry and loves him”. This has been devastating to my DD since she is under the impression that it is her fault for discovering the affair. I've let her know that it is not and it squarely rests upon her mom's shoulders. She is really mad because my W chose this guy over us and is afraid that she was going to up and leave us (which she was planning to do after further discussions).

Looking back I can definitely see the signs, in passing I knew they were odd because W and I were very open about everything until this summer when she started hiding her phone when I would walk in the room. From her lips, the affair started back in September on one of her online card games she told me. Two weeks later she had a “business trip” down to the beach. This continued in November when she went out again for her monthly “business trip”. Was aware that there was something up but could not put my finger on it.

She is continually sexting or texting this guy while she is still in the house. Needless to say, she will be moving out since in NC spouses have to be separated for 365 days until the finalization. W is blaming me for the affair (which I will not let her do) because I “didn't love her enough”. Typical cheater come back to justify her actions. Every time I look at her I see the OG!!

Sorry for the rambling but I had to get this out. This is just the Cliff's Notes version!!

FEEL posted 1/4/2020 15:45 PM

Sorry you found yourself here with all the others before you. If you've done any reading here you will have realized there's a lot of helpful people here and a lot of good information.

Your life has taken a turn none of us expected and your on a journey that will surely have it's ups and downs as things unfold and move forward.

Your WW blaming you is very typical of WS's. If you've read here at all, it is all too common. That kind of attitude from a WS makes it impossible to R. This type of comment says so much about the WS. The part they so conveniently forget about is that if they are that unhappy with the BS they have a choice. The preferred one is obviously to talk about their concerns with the BS. But as we see here time and time again is they go off and have an affair.

Again sorry for your situation, but you will get through this like we all do and did.

Robert22205https posted 1/4/2020 15:49 PM

Who is the OM? Is he married? If so, expose to his wife (without warning your WW).

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 3:50 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]

Slanted posted 1/4/2020 16:29 PM

I think you will save yourself a great deal of grief by beginning with her moving out. I wish I'd let my anger at the beginning lead to separation sooner.

Stay strong. It ain't easy, but you're starting in a good way.

And good on you, too, for what you're saying to your DD. It would have blown up one way or another eventually, and it's better to know than to go on being deceived.

[This message edited by Slanted at 4:30 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]

Cooley2here posted 1/4/2020 17:02 PM

Ah, romance! To fall in love over a card game. You can’t get more romantic than that. Jiminy Crickets! Has she lost her mind?!!?

If he is married tell his wife!

Please pay attention to this. Don’t use alcohol. Stay hydrated. If you need help with situational depression don’t let pride get in your way. Get as much sleep as you can and, again, ask the doctor for medication if you need it. Your body feels like it has been hit by a car. You have to take care of your health. That, and your daughter, are the most important things to worry about.

See a lawyer TOMORROW.

heartbrokeninNC posted 1/4/2020 18:21 PM

Who is the OM? Is he married? If so, expose to his wife (without warning your WW).

From what WW says he is a widower.

Please pay attention to this. Don’t use alcohol. Stay hydrated. If you need help with situational depression don’t let pride get in your way. Get as much sleep as you can and, again, ask the doctor for medication if you need it. Your body feels like it has been hit by a car. You have to take care of your health. That, and your daughter, are the most important things to worry about.

I've started taking care of myself more after I found out. Working out again and that in itself is a great stress reliever. Really don't drink that much. Talked to close friends about this and was at first really mad but after talking it out it's not my fault and I'm not going to let it eat me alive. WW is the one that needs to be worried.

Currently have lawyers lined up. WW didn't expect me to act as swift as I have and is very surprised. I'm calm but inside a storm is raging.

heartbrokeninNC posted 1/4/2020 18:24 PM

Your WW blaming you is very typical of WS's. If you've read here at all, it is all too common. That kind of attitude from a WS makes it impossible to R. This type of comment says so much about the WS. The part they so conveniently forget about is that if they are that unhappy with the BS they have a choice. The preferred one is obviously to talk about their concerns with the BS. But as we see here time and time again is they go off and have an affair
.

There is absolutely no chance of R. She has already taken her ring off and put it away. Still keeping mine on but it is getting harder by the day.

ryno posted 1/4/2020 19:23 PM

I'm sorry to read about your situation.

Your wife may be concerned you are taking her backup option out of play by moving for divorce. You should hasten the process as much as possible.

Out of interest, have you undertaken most of the child caring responsibilities?

heartbrokeninNC posted 1/4/2020 20:24 PM

Out of interest, have you undertaken most of the child caring responsibilities?

Yes I have. Pretty much run the household since she abdicated those duties years ago.

Buffer posted 1/4/2020 20:43 PM

Brother, cheaters lie all the time about what he told me. Is there Proof he really is a widower? Get her to prove it.
Get medical check for STDs and STIs now, some can be passed in saliva. Cancel all joint accounts and credit cards take only 50%.
This disrespect in the family home is unacceptable. If she needs to talk to her POS she cannot do it in the family home tell her that in front of your daughter.
It is not your child’s or your fault she cheated. It is her conscious choice to betray her family like this again let daughter know this it is on mum not her or you.
Start 180 now only keep communication about your daughter every thing else by text. Also keep a VAR on you at all times in case she starts making false claims against you.
Eat well look after #1 that is your daughter as well as you. As she is out of your bedroom and removed her ring she can start contributing to the house, pay 50% mortgage and utilities until she moves out. As POS lives interstate please keep DDaughter with you.
One question did she use any joint marriage funds to finance her A?
Also change the wifi and internet passwords she can pay to use it.
Get IC for you and daughter.

One day at a time

Buffer

[This message edited by Buffer at 9:38 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]

ryno posted 1/4/2020 21:19 PM

You should be very proud of your daughter and the way she confronted your wife.

I am sure your daughter will be watching you closely to make sure you take firm action. In fact, I am sure she will demand it. This is one of the moments in life where children learn from adults how to deal with very tough situations.

My question regarding childcare was directed more to my suspicion that your wife put her needs ahead of the family.

The1stWife posted 1/4/2020 22:11 PM

Can you sue the OM for alienation of affection in your state?

anoldlion posted 1/4/2020 22:34 PM

I gather that the NC means you are from North Carolina. I am also and yes North Carolina has a law governing Alienation of Affection and Criminal Conversation. Check with an attorney before you separate. I do wish you well.

Marz posted 1/4/2020 22:55 PM

From what WW says he is a widower.

Bud one thing all cheaters have in common. They lie a lot.

You have his phone number on your online bill.

Check it out. If he’s married his wife should know and talk to your daughter. This is all on the wayward wife.

No one else is to blame.

Marz posted 1/4/2020 22:57 PM

There is absolutely no chance of R. She has already taken her ring off and put it away. Still keeping mine on but it is getting harder by the day.

Why? She’s ended the marriage

hansvoleman posted 1/5/2020 05:59 AM

Really sorry to see you here, heartbrokeninNC. Your missus sounds like a real prize. It seems she thinks she's living a movie script but you can see that it is just a fantasy. I can't quite believe that she used the "You didn't love me enough" card without understanding the irony; she doesn't love you or, more importantly your daughter to be honest. Your daughter BTW sounds an impressive young lady to hold that secret for 10 days and then confront her mother.

Pretty much run the household since she abdicated those duties years ago.

You may not realise it but you are in a stronger position than a lot. It's tough to do now but use your knowledge of how your household runs, your daughter's wishes as to her future and the really significant fact your wife is in the honeymoon stage of her new relationship to put what you need in place legally for you and your daughter to carry on with as little disruption as possible.

I started with a blank sheet of paper (and a bottle of vodka. Don't do that!) and added simple statements like "I pay 100%" of the mortgage" and I where could identify the bank records to prove it going back 10 years. It gives you a factual picture of the financial and practical realities. Your wife probably won't want to deal with "the trivia" because she'd have to face the consequences of her actions so won't be doing this.

Having a grasp of your facts about the practicalities of your joint responsibilities (household and childcare costs, and custody) is the bedrock of your lawyer's negotiation for your and daughters future life. However you also have a list of further pressure points your lawyer can apply in those negotiations. Most people don't deal with lawyers very often and fail to appreciate that the threat of something is where the power lies. You have a list of these too:

- use of marital assets to further the affair. (Can be added to any debt she owes you)
- the impact of your wife's behaviour on your daughter's emotional well-being and future help she needs (I am sure you don't underestimate this imact)
- your lawyer may tell you that an alienation of affection suit will work/won't work. (The OM will have to go to a lawyer himself to find that out. And then he has to live with not knowing what you will do next, is his lawyer right and so on. Every time he sees your wife, it'll remind him).

Even though I am not in the US, from first hand experience I know the implied threats a lawyer makes will work. (And let your lawyer do it as part of negotiations) I got the house in return for not suggesting I wouldn't sue on the grounds of adultery. (My XW didn't know how much evidence I had taht a court would accept. None actually). If you have even a simple view of what you can use and how, your hand becomes much stronger. Please use it now while your WW is all loved up. You may well get back control fast.

Sending you and your daughter strength and good luck.

heartbrokeninNC posted 1/5/2020 06:54 AM

I gather that the NC means you are from North Carolina. I am also and yes North Carolina has a law governing Alienation of Affection and Criminal Conversation. Check with an attorney before you separate. I do wish you well.

Currently playing the Alienation of Affection card close to the vest right now. My plan is to pull it out when she really screws up or tries to attack back. Right now the disrespect is at an all time high with her still texting the OM in the house and will not stop. Will be seeing a lawyer in the very near future. W has really not thought this through very well and does know that I have the upper hand.

As for the mortgage we are renting but that comes out of my military retirement check. Also she currently makes more than I even with the military pension. I'll be petitioning for full custody of only my 15yo DD, I have an older son 17 1/2 and another daughter of 19. When the divorce goes final it will just be me and my 16 or 17yo DD. Will also petition for palimony. If she balks, I'll let the lawyers decide her fate. I'm done with the BS and the hurt.

P.S. I'm gonna hire a hot attorney just to mess with her.

Kaciii posted 1/5/2020 08:42 AM

We live in NC too. In Canada separation is three years! A year is a long time. However, it gives everyone a chance to go through emotional stress, and make better legal decisions in divorce or re-coupling. I would suggest counseling for your children, especially your daughter most likely is trying to be strong for you while suffering from a broken heart as well.

HellFire posted 1/5/2020 08:43 AM

It Sounds like you are believe her when she tells you he is a widower. Bad move. You know she's a liar.

There may very well be an unsuspecting wife,who is about to be blindsided.

Investigate him.

And run a background check on him. You have a teenaged daughter. Predators prey on women with kids. It allows them easy access to the children.

Don't hire a hot attorney. Get a shark.

KingofNothing posted 1/5/2020 10:23 AM

What Hellfire said. Make finding out about this guy a hobby. What does he do, where does he work, what is his real marital status... you are already realizing this lovely wife of yours is setting herself up to be the adversary here. You need every bit of information you can find for leverage. I hope you’ve screenshotted the texts and saved them in a safe place. You don’t have t prove anything at this juncture but they might come in handy when you try alienation of affection.

Be judicious about exposing her to the world until you get her to sign the property settlement, then tell everyone what happened. That might take a year, so be discrete.

Are the other children mention from a previous marriage?


.This has been devastating to my DD since she is under the impression that it is her fault for discovering the affair. I've let her know that it is not and it squarely rests upon her mom's shoulders. She is really mad because my W chose this guy over us and is afraid that she was going to up and leave us (which she was planning to do after further discussions)

Damn straight she’s angry. Who wouldn’t be. Your wife chose fucking a stranger over her own family! And doesn’t feel the least bit sorry about it.

Are you on retirement or disability? Can you work? Or do you? I’d she is abandoning the marriage and you have a limited ability to provide income, I’d look into alimony.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 10:29 AM, January 5th (Sunday)]

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