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Christmas Eve D-Day

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heartbrokeninNC posted 1/17/2020 23:49 PM

There is no fast divorce in NC. Only in the case of incarceration or insanity will they grant a fast divorce. Gotta wait the 365 since this is a no fault state.

Buffer posted 1/18/2020 00:09 AM

That BFF of your WW is so toxic to you and your children, she needs isolation.
Keep all messages, and texts from this toxic person then, check fire, shift target and barrage fire on the toxic bearing.
Is this person in a relationship or married? I would let her partner know she is very supportive of A and he may need to look into the state of his partner.

Buffer

heartbrokeninNC posted 1/18/2020 00:57 AM

Saving those also, they go back at least 3 years and I'm already seeing another EA from around the beginning of September '19. This is two weeks before she started the PA that she is on now. The story that is unfolding is that she was on this online card game searching for guys with this BFF. I've got a whole timeline now.

Is this person in a relationship or married?

No she is not married but she is very f##k'd in the head. Both her and my wife feed off of each other. Come to think of it, my W changed about the time she met her back in Winter 2017.

[This message edited by heartbrokeninNC at 1:01 AM, January 18th (Saturday)]

heartbrokeninNC posted 1/18/2020 06:55 AM

Doing further research into this and he is definitely a widower based on an obit of his late wife that mentions POSOM. The picture that is posted of her bears an uncanny resemblance to my STBXW.

KingofNothing posted 1/18/2020 09:06 AM


I have stuff going back for the last 4 months and she had an affair before this one with her BFF's brother to kinda ease her into it. All the while the BFF is cheering her on. WW is sooooo f##k'd

My friend, you have the mother lode. Never mind the trip or a PI, then. You wonít need it. Just make redundant copies of what you have and file now, citing infidelity and alienation of affection. While she is on this trip. Priority one. Start with the lawyer immediately.

Priority Two. New bank account she canít touch. Transfer 1/2 of your existIng $ to it. Change direct deposit to it via work. Take her off as a dependent on insurance, Include your will, your retirement, any medical benefits you share. The downside is if SHE provides benefits, you need to find replacements fast. PROTECT YOUR RETIREMENT.

Priority Two, put her stuff in the garage. Ask the owner to remove her from the lease, if sheís on it. Ask him/her if you can change the locks and explain why. Likely he/she will sympathize. She doesnít own the home, so her right of entry is governed by the lease and owners discretion. She has every right to her belongings. Make that part easy for her (garage). She will get angry. Tell her the one year separation mandated by NC began when she drove off to fuck the man she was committing adultery with. You are obeying the law and expect her to. Thereís no reason to be unpleasant or vindictive now.

At this point, custody is probably going to be dicey, given that her daughter hates her. Suggest you take them for now until a spousal support and custody agreement is worked out. Act as if people will be reasonable after a ďcool downĒ period. Donít tell her you plan on requesting Full custody, spousal support and child support from her. In fact, tell her nothing. I know you might want to gloat a bit... donít. Now, more than ever, stick to the 180. If she wants to know why this is happening, say you are taking positive steps to get out of infidelity and to be free of a partner with such blatant disrespect for her marriage. You donít hate her and want her to be happy, so from this moment forward, sheís free to go do what she wants with whomever she wants. In 365 days she will not be your problem any more.

She might try to love bomb you to get you back in line. Do NOT have sex with her.

Priority three: Be sure to write down everything you know, or just suspect, in timeline fashionó inserting relevant texts and photos at the appropriate points. Do it while itís fresh. This will be the basis of your alienation of affection lawsuit later. Itís a pity you canít name her BFF piece of human garbage as party to the suit, as she collaborated with your STBXW to make it all happen. If you have social media, change your status from married to separated. A short notice mentioning you are separating after so many years of marriage might be appropriate. Just donít slag her in public. If people ask, be honest. Donít lie for her, donít make up a wish washy narrative that takes her off the hook, either. This was, and is, the consequence of her decision to commit adultery. Stupid games, stupid prizes. Block her and all her friends on any social media. You canít go No Contact for a year, but you might want to neck it down to emails or through your lawyers. Sheís going to blow your phone up. You might need a new number. Oh take her off that plan and change the WiFi passwords. Cancel anything she pays for.

I have to say, HB, youíve turned this thing around. You seemed kind of passive at first but you have the heart of a tiger, now. Be there for your kids, explain frankly why this is happening and explain that life is going to have t change based on momís decisions. You must be careful not to feed her feeling that her kids have turned on her because of you. Work on the hatred they have and get some therapy going in that house.

Sending prayers of strength.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 9:12 AM, January 18th (Saturday)]

NuckingFuts posted 1/18/2020 09:21 AM

Itís a pity you canít name her BFF piece of human garbage as party to the suit, as she collaborated with your STBXW to make it all happen.

I have stuff going back for the last 4 months and she had an affair before this one with her BFF's brother to kinda ease her into it. All the while the BFF is cheering her on. WW is sooooo f##k'd... my W changed about the time she met her back in Winter 2017.

Might have enough for a whole separate alienation suit against the bff. Any lawyers here willing to comment?

TimSC posted 1/18/2020 10:29 AM

If you have not talked to a lawyer, do it now.

I live in South Carolina. Here proof of adultery can shorten the waiting time from 365 days to 90 days.

I think I heard something similar in North Carolina. Also I heard that proof of adultery in North Carolina can lean the financial settlement in favor of the betrayed.

This is all speculation so check it with a lawyer. Make sure you tell them why you are divorcing and that you have proof.

ShutterHappy posted 1/18/2020 10:47 AM

heartbrokeninNC, hang in there.

The beginning of your story looks a lot like mine. Just like your STBXWW, I discovered my XWW having an affair, just blamed it all on me, then continued with her A just under my nose, all this because I "didnít love her enough".

In my experience, a spouse behaving like that have no empathy, they donít care one bit about the people that surrounds them, and they are completely self absorbed. thereís no point at all to continue to interact with her.

What I can tell you is that your STBXWW will always mess up her life. Whatever is going on with this AP wonít work, and sheíll be moving on to the next victim (or try to get you back for her own selfish reasons).

The best thing you can do is put as much distance between her and you. I would suggest to never talk to her again, go hard NC. Tell her that whatever she needs to say, she can talk to your lawyer. If you must communicate to her, then email will do.

I donít see the point in hiring a PI, you already know sheís broken beyond any possibility of R.

You may want to wear a VAR, to protect yourself from false DV claim.

Now that you know of at least 2 PA, make sure you get tested for STD. And seek support from friends and family.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 2:57 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]

The1stWife posted 1/18/2020 11:17 AM

As long as you are still married you may not be able to remove her from your retirement accounts or insurance. Different states have different laws. And if you do remove her she may be required to be informed by the insurance company or company that holds any retirement assets.

You can change her payout from 100% to 1% on your retirement assets. That is legal. But removing her completely while still married has different rules for each state.

Hang in there. You will survive this. We all do.

KingofNothing posted 1/18/2020 18:11 PM

You can change her payout from 100% to 1% on your retirement assets. That is legal. But removing her completely while still married has different rules for each state.

Brilliant 1stwife... just brilliant!

heartbrokeninNC posted 1/18/2020 18:14 PM

Be sure to write down everything you know, or just suspect, in timeline fashionó inserting relevant texts and photos at the appropriate points.

This has been done by going through the FB Messenger timeline. I've gone ahead and compiled a word document already and saved off site. It was not done on this computer.

Itís a pity you canít name her BFF piece of human garbage as party to the suit, as she collaborated with your STBXW to make it all happen.

Trust me I wish I could haul her ass before the court for pouring gasoline on our marriage and handing the wife the match. She was constantly telling her that she needed to be happy and deserved to be happy. W was just mad because everyone in the house got tired of waiting on her for every miniscule thing and started being susceptible to the manipulation. I've already changed my status to "It's Complicated".

As for the bank accounts she has been taking out about $500 - $1000 for a rainy day. I've got screenshots of her stating that.

She might try to love bomb you to get you back in line. Do NOT have sex with her.

I've not had sex with her since October.

The messenger texts that I have seen are damning and I have taken pictures of the most juicy posts (stupid FB won't allow you to download to system without sending notification to owner, but my W left it open on the iPad) to include them having pictures taken together along with her showing that the ring is off and in it's stead a promise ring from POS. As for the texts they are saved off site.

have to say, HB, youíve turned this thing around. You seemed kind of passive at first but you have the heart of a tiger, now.

Marz knocked some sense into my head and she actually told the BFF about what I was doing and was like "here we go again" and "too little too late. I've got pics of that too.

To everybody here, thx so much for the support. If I hadn't found this site I would not be where I would like to be and would be behind the proverbial 8 ball.

heartbrokeninNC posted 1/18/2020 18:35 PM

As for the bank accounts she has been taking out about $500 - $1000 for a rainy day. I've got screenshots of her stating that.

Have not seen anything out of the ordinary, no transfers to PayPal or anything. Doesn't mean that it isn't happening though. I will not give her the benefit of the doubt.

Marz posted 1/18/2020 19:22 PM

Sounds like youíve woken up to your new reality.

Finances matter. You need to get this arranged where you come out as good as possible.

Adultery that you can prove negates spousal support in North Carolina. Run your evidence through your attorney.

Secondly NC has laws around alienation of affection. There was a huge lawsuit not long ago where a BS won a large lawsuit against the AP. Find out if that applies.

Thirdly, now that you and your kids know whatís going on and your wayward plans trip to see the AP in front of not only you but your kids as well you have nothing to work with here.

Thatís blatant disrespect for you, your marriage and your family. Make no mistake she knows exactly what sheís doing. This is a very willing and conscious decision on her part. Which means her other man/affair means more to her than you and your kids/family. Why would you want this in your life not to mention your kids knowing/looking at this as well? Do not disrespect yourself in front of your kids.

You and your kids deserve better than this.

Right now you need to take care of yourself and family financially. Only a good attorney can help you with this aspect.

Your kids are older so a hard no contact is your best friend. Cut her off.


[This message edited by Marz at 7:24 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]

Marz posted 1/18/2020 19:32 PM

Get and stay strong. Youíll come out better if you do.

It also sounds like your daughter is old enough to determine who she wants to live with. I doubt sheíll want to be around the other man. Which means child support for you if you can get full custody.

Do not attempt to play Mr Nice Guy in this situation. That will get you a big fat nothing.

Marz posted 1/18/2020 19:39 PM

Not sure why but for some reason BSís will tell the wayward what they know and what their plans are.

DONíT

Keep everything between you and your attorney. Itís foolish to inform her of your plans or anything else.

Eyes and ears open, mouth shut. If you want to come out of this in the best shape possible.

You donít owe her a thing. Learn to ignore quickly.

All cheaters lie a lot and you canít trust her.

heartbrokeninNC posted 1/18/2020 19:40 PM

Do not attempt to play Mr Nice Guy in this situation.

I will not do Mr. Nice Guy lol. When she gets back she is out of the house and I don't care if she is on the curb. My family does not need this in their lives. All she cares about right now is her fantasy of playing house for this guy and screwing him all day.

Currently playing the Alienation of Affection card very close to the vest atm. Will be going after full custody, child support, alimony (she makes more than me) and absolutely no access to my retirement accounts. She is a very money hungry bitch. In NC, since she stepped out in marriage her plea for alimony has no standing. W is about to get hammer f##k'd.

heartbrokeninNC posted 1/18/2020 19:42 PM

Don't need to worry about that here Marz, came up in the military through the operational intelligence rates. OPSEC is everything.

Marz posted 1/18/2020 20:04 PM

Good but remember your heart will betray you in these situations. Use your head.

A friend of mines wife was having an affair with an attorney. He stupidly told her what he knew and his plans. He lived in a fault state.

She magically wanted to work on the marriage. That lasted until adultery was off the table and then filed.

She played him for a fool and he gulped it down to his regret later.

Your wife isn't stupid and has put a lot into planning this out. It just didn't happen so be smarter than her.

Marz posted 1/18/2020 20:06 PM

Talk to your daughters about how this works. Unless they want to be living with your wife's AP 50% of the time.

At their ages they have a choice in this.

RubixCubed posted 1/18/2020 21:47 PM

heartbrokeninNC

Good onya, You have got this! You are killin' it now. Maintain this head of steam and you will come through this in good shape. Keep the pedal down.

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