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Christmas Eve D-Day

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Dispirited posted 1/8/2020 03:40 AM

Thanks Dismayed2012!! W is absolutely not ashamed by it at all, in fact she kinda smirks at it when I bring it up. I'm to the point where the OM can have her but she reaped the hurricane and I have to do something as the kids are watching.

Most people would be ashamed, unless one has no conscience.Smirks? How humiliating and further evidence that now she is an alien per se. I've been there before. Whatever reason(s) for such callous behavior is despicable to most, yet she insists upon driving that knife. Why?

No one deserves such treatment and I'm sure you're so torn. How could someone I trusted do this? It's as if you never knew the person and that is probably the saddest reality in many situations.

Whether a good thing that your daughter saw through it, the fact remains that you have to decide whether to cast this "traitor" to the curb. She not only betrayed you, but your children as well. Would you want such a person in your life? And I assure you that I understand the shock. I and many can tell you to do this and that. Again- I've been there myself, but without children.

It is so difficult when children are involved.I never had to go through it, yet I understand all of the issues.It sucks! And I am so saddened that you are thrust upon this situation.Inasmuch as we strive for an explanation, they never offer any reasonable or sincere explanation. And when you're talking about many years, it's mind-boggling how someone can just walk away.

I am convinced that when all of the ego and selfishness wears off, eventually the shame will rear its ugly head. Then again, most will never witness such.

You have done nothing wrong..and the half-assed people who have no clue will always do the same. So best regards:)

heartbrokeninNC posted 1/9/2020 08:54 AM

Thank you so much for your advice Dispirited, still feeling very much betrayed and currently working on the 180.

W right now is acting very weird and reaching out for me when I pass by along with the "I Love You". I have not reciprocated back as this will add to the pain and the hurt. Believe that her mind is starting to come to the realization that this is not a game. Still going to file for seperation.

TimSC posted 1/9/2020 09:18 AM

Her "I love you" is probably her realizing what she is throwing away by being a cheater.

All the little things you did for her that she took for granted and will now have to do for herself. Regret for what she threw away.....not remorse for the pain she caused.

Also it could be that the BF dumped her when it got real and she is trying to go back to Plan B.

Marz posted 1/9/2020 10:42 AM

W right now is acting very weird and reaching out for me when I pass by along with the "I Love You". I have not reciprocated back as this will add to the pain and the hurt.

She’s going into self protection mode. Not uncommon.

Her words are as meaningful as a fart in the wind.

You’d be wise to not let yourself get played/manipulated here.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:43 AM, January 9th (Thursday)]

Dismayed2012 posted 1/9/2020 11:02 AM

As Tim said: "Also it could be that the BF dumped her when it got real and she is trying to go back to Plan B."

I echo this statement. She likely went to the OM with the fact that she was going to be available full-time and he didn't reciprocate the excitement. Statistically, guys who screw cheaters are only using them for sex. Once the woman makes the mistake of leaving her steady husband or boyfriend, the other man dumps them. The other men have incredibly low respect for cheating women. I wonder if she's just now getting a glimpse of the reality that what she thought she had in the other man wasn't quite what she projected it to be.

In any case, don't allow her to change your course; continue to get yourself free from the betrayer. As you've noted, she has no respect for you and she's been blaming you for everything wrong for years. This is a fantastic opportunity for you to take your life back and live the rest of it unbound, uncontrolled, and happy. This life is about you now. She made her choices, it's your turn to make yours. You're worth the effort. Take care of yourself. I wish the best for you.

heartbrokeninNC posted 1/9/2020 11:14 AM

I'm definitely not falling for it and can see through it from about 10 miles away. Still continuing on with the 180.

DBFool2019 posted 1/9/2020 13:10 PM

Sorry to read this. You have an absolutely fantastic daughter, hold her close you are a two person team now!!

DBFool2019 posted 1/9/2020 13:10 PM

Sorry to read this. You have an absolutely fantastic daughter, hold her close you are a two person team now!!

Dispirited posted 1/9/2020 17:30 PM

W actively sought out the affair.


And so...nothing new with many cheaters here. I'm married,but what the hell is what they think.Some years ago- after a good amount of time following an end to a relationship, I was approached by a woman in a bar/restaurant. She gave me her number and a friend of mine (who frequented that same place) knew she was married. Next time I saw her in the same place, I told her to f..k off after knowing she was married.Of course, she was offended...you're rejecting me:)Ummm- well I guess some have morals(if they know people are married)and obviously such an admirable quality was not in her list of such.

Point? Some say that they're not married. When the other person is aware of this and "still" engage, well that is exactly what happened to me. The OM knew I was married and God knows what BS my ex wife was feeding him. Still, he was married with 3 children.And so? the result was the end of my marriage as well as the end of his marriage.In fact, the way I found out (over and above my suspicion) was a phone call from his then wife at the time.

Obviously, the OM cared nothing that he was violating my marriage or for that matter, doing the same to his marriage.And yes, My ex fed into that- most likely telling him that she wasn't treated properly or some other excuse. So...who is to blame? Both? The cheater who Bs's the other person and then the other person believes the BS?

When you strip it all away, the cheater is the prime cause for /reason for engaging- period. And all of the excuses that all too many have heard here- like yourself- are the only lame reasons that they can come up with. Blame someone else when blame is just as shared in many situations. Instead of blaming? Either attempt to do somethin g about it or walk away. There is NO cake and it too. Sorry.

Hopefully the WS forum might read this as well:) Nonetheless, stay strong...we know that you're in shock and can't figure out another invasion of the body snatchers.Many can not do so either:)

Dispirited posted 1/9/2020 18:03 PM

And - as so many "experts', albeit similarly thrown aside human beings struggling to understand how a person who supposedly had your back at one time, yet resorted to hurting that same person...always tough....always factors involved- children often.And all of those gut-wrenching situations as to what's best is ALWAYS something that many can not understand.

The forever dilemmas of of these scenarios never are understood by the offenders.Empathy is gone (see invasion of the body snatchers)...history is as if it never happened(yet another WTF moment). Logic is no more, yet the BS has to deal with all of the repercussions while the WS continues in their fantasy.I've been there...too many others have sadly been there.

So...due to those actions, we're forced to protect ourselves- at least at the direction of veterans here. We never envisioned this "battle". Yet,people are forced to resort to a dignified response. Often, that involves lawyers and then? Yet another trauma of enhanced hurt.Who ever thinks that after their wedding vows, we're now compelled to contact a lawyer? Why? Because a selfish person brought this about. And do they ever see that in an objective light? That perhaps their actions are not so forgivable? And that is the essence of empathy.

I wish you well...I wish that your hurt, confusion, and ability to maintain your children in your life with minimal damage. And as always, the innocent bystanders- children always have to adjust to these unfortunate situations. I sincerely hope that they will get through it with you by their side:)

Best regards


Tim

Marz posted 1/9/2020 18:08 PM

Obviously, the OM cared nothing that he was violating my marriage or for that matter, doing the same to his marriage.

To put a perspective on this. Neither did your wife.

totallydumb posted 1/9/2020 19:00 PM

To put a perspective on this. Neither did your wife.

and she is the one that you took vows with, the POSOM, not so much.

Buffer posted 1/9/2020 21:20 PM

Brother,
Keep up the intel gathering, consult for a battle plan, then when you are ready strike.
180 her a$$ give nothing to WW. Support DD she is a true angel in this.
Peace through superior fire power!
(Metaphorically speaking only).

Buffer

heartbrokeninNC posted 1/10/2020 07:04 AM

Thanks Buffer. Still gathering intel on the OM but for some reason she has not been texting up a storm with him lately. Still working on the 180 and currently taking care of myself. On a side note, I'm back in the gym again and eating right.

thatbpguy posted 1/10/2020 08:35 AM

I'm definitely not falling for it and can see through it from about 10 miles away. Still continuing on with the 180.

It's also possible you're being set up. Perhaps they have talked to an attorney and realize the pickle they're in. Game plan is to woo you back and then go out on their terms.

Be careful.

Another thought. If they have cooled their betrayal, and she puts her ring back on... take yours off and refuse to discuss it.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 8:38 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

DoinBettr posted 1/10/2020 08:56 AM

for some reason she has not been texting up a storm with him lately.

Along with the "I Love You."

Yeah, he is telling her she can't move in with him. That is making her scramble. Sorry, she is going to start to get crazier. Expect lots of crying and her suddenly becoming a victim of everything.

heartbrokeninNC posted 1/10/2020 09:20 AM

It's also possible you're being set up. Perhaps they have talked to an attorney and realize the pickle they're in. Game plan is to woo you back and then go out on their terms.

Be careful.

My spidey sense is picking up on that also, I've talked to various folks and they are saying the same exact things as here on SI. It's all a ploy and I can see it. Keeping my distance and looking at this from a big picture perspective.

heartbrokeninNC posted 1/16/2020 11:19 AM

Posting back in this thread as an update to everything that is going on.

Went out to dinner last Friday and the discussion came up about the separation and she drops a bombshell (in an "oh by the way" manner) that she is going out of town to meet the guy in a week. Absolutely blatant!!!! Just stick the sword in even deeper and twist!!! Been telling her not to do it but she is going to go ahead anyhow and that she said will be fine, which is a crock of BS. To me this is a bridge too far as if the EA wasn't enough.

Lately, she has been lovebombing and sending me all kinds of signals which tells me she is having a hard time dealing with the guilt and being pulled in two different directions. I've come to the realization that separation is the best as it would allow her to get her emotions in check (very highly doubt it).

Trying to 180 but is very difficult as I'm getting pulled in every direction and can't make heads or tails of it. I've let her know that I'm trying to protect myself from further hurt. Whatever she is looking for I hope she finds it with that patch of grass.

Marz posted 1/16/2020 11:44 AM

AP saying that she could not wait to be with him in 8 days. (This was on 12/12, I found this out after the fact). W was on her way home from work at the time stating how she loved him and what not.
W headed out on the so called business trip on 12/20.

To me this is a bridge too far as if the EA wasn't enough.

It’s been a physical affair all along.

Marz posted 1/16/2020 11:48 AM

Lately, she has been lovebombing and sending me all kinds of signals which tells me she is having a hard time dealing with the guilt and being pulled in two different directions. I've come to the realization that separation is the best as it would allow her to get her emotions in check (very highly doubt it).

Separation is for full focus on her new boyfriend. No guilt just full on manipulation.

It doesn’t sound like you’ve fully awakened to reality yet.

Get strong, stay there and cutoff contact. The 180 only works if you fully implement it.

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