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Christmas Eve D-Day

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beenthereinco posted 1/16/2020 11:56 AM

To me this is a bridge too far as if the EA wasn't enough.

Why do you think this is just an EA? You said in your first post that she went on a fake business trip to see him. That sounds like a Physical Affair to me. Why do you think it is only emotional?

heartbrokeninNC posted 1/16/2020 11:59 AM

It doesnít sound like youíve fully awakened to reality yet.

Still awakening to it and it is weird that some days are full of crystal clarity and the others will be just a dull haze. The mind is a terrible thing.

Marz posted 1/16/2020 12:02 PM

Itís hard to get it up front but itís in your best interest.

The longer you stay paralyzed and in any denials will just prolong your stay in limbo.

As youíve seen itís not a place you want to be.

heartbrokeninNC posted 1/16/2020 12:03 PM

Why do you think this is just an EA? You said in your first post that she went on a fake business trip to see him. That sounds like a Physical Affair to me. Why do you think it is only emotional?

I think I got my terms mixed up but it did start out as an EA then moved into the PA realm about 2 weeks later. Sorry for the confusion

KingofNothing posted 1/16/2020 12:05 PM

Went out to dinner last Friday and the discussion came up about the separation and she drops a bombshell (in an "oh by the way" manner) that she is going out of town to meet the guy in a week. Been telling her not to do it but she is going to go ahead anyhow and that she said will be fine,

She's saying it will be fine?? Am I reading this correctly? Fine?? How does she justify going to commit adulterous acts will be fine? I'm not stirring up shit, here, I'm trying to understand what logic she's using to make you feel like it's fine for her to go screw another man.

Speaking of which, this weekend away, is it too far to drive or does it involve a flight out of town? Sounds like a great chance to take some photographs of them meeting and engaging in love nesting. If you had the resources, I'd hire a PI for that. If not, you might try it yourself. Don't confront, just get pictures of her and the OM's car in the parking lot. You're going to need to go hardball for this, HB. There's no reason to be indecisive now. This woman is setting herself up to be an adversary. She made this decision to commit adultery, she has to live with the consequences.

Is her car VAR'd? Do you have a GPS tracker on her car? Time to look into some common sense, practical surveillance tools. They aren't as expensive as you think.

As always, I'm so sorry to see you in this situation. Sending prayers of strength and resolve. You got this, buddy.

Next time she pulls this "I'm going out of town" shit, tell her, "that won't work for me, I'm going out of town myself" and see what happens.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 12:11 PM, January 16th (Thursday)]

PassThis posted 1/16/2020 12:10 PM

heartbrokeninNC,

Please do not separate unless you simultaneously file for divorce and/or have a filed separation agreement where terms and conditions for boundaries are clearly set forth, that your financial affairs are segregated, and custody arrangements are clear (access for you and NC with OM at all for kids, etc.).

Hopefully, you can hand her papers before the trip. If not, she should be served while on the trip and immediately upon return.

Do not do the "pick me" dance. Do not separate in order to let her have more freedom for her affair.

Her blindsiding you with this information is egregiously selfish and disrespectful to you. If shes goes to see him, that shows you how little feelings, if any, that she really has for you.

I think the love-bombing etc., were for the purpose of having you stay around as Plan B, or as the beta partner, while she maintains her access to the Alpha for fun and sex. If not, how does she plan to keep you sane and protected while she is on a trip to see OM? WTF? She said SHE would be fine. What about you?

I feel so enraged for you. She is off-the-chart selfish and blatantly abusing you.

Sending strength and support.

KingofNothing posted 1/16/2020 12:13 PM

I feel so enraged for you. She is off-the-chart selfish and blatantly abusing you.

This, totally. I can't believe her!

heartbrokeninNC posted 1/16/2020 12:27 PM

She's saying it will be fine?? Am I reading this correctly? Fine?? How does she justify going to commit adulterous acts will be fine? I'm not stirring up shit, here, I'm trying to understand what logic she's using to make you feel like it's fine for her to go screw another man.

She is a very selfish woman and I've already got an attorney lined up, tired of the shit.

Speaking of which, this weekend away, is it too far to drive or does it involve a flight out of town?

About an 1 1/2 drive south of here.

I feel so enraged for you. She is off-the-chart selfish and blatantly abusing you.

Yes, I am beyond pissed off and have been since D-Day. Totally breaking off contact and thankful for everyone here opening up my eyes and seeing it. This is totally new territory for me.

NC with OM at all for kids, etc.

They will never ever have contact with him, DS17 can't stand him and DD15 absolutely hates him for what he did. DD19 doesn't know what is going on since she is away a military boot camp.

Please do not separate unless you simultaneously file for divorce

In North Carolina there is a mandatory 365 Day Seperation. After that, then you have to file for an official divorce decree.

faithfulman posted 1/16/2020 12:30 PM

Do you think your wife might be a little off in the noggin?

Seems to me she doesn't have a firm grasp on reality.

But she is right. it will be fine. When you have cut her out of your life.

heartbrokeninNC posted 1/16/2020 12:35 PM

Do you think your wife might be a little off in the noggin?
Seems to me she doesn't have a firm grasp on reality.

But she is right. it will be fine. When you have cut her out of your life.

She's a psychiatric nurse .

thatbpguy posted 1/16/2020 12:39 PM

I would protect your assets now. It sounds like there is 365 days to abuse them. Go and talk to your attorney. Do it. Now.

PassThis posted 1/16/2020 12:48 PM

In North Carolina there is a mandatory 365 Day Seperation. After that, then you have to file for an official divorce decree.

At the least, have your lawyer serve her with a letter informing her that the 365 day clock has officially been started. You need to do something (!) seriously symbolic that she has started the beginning of the end. That makes the fact that you will divorce credible and that you are not rolling over for this blatant disrespect.

Your children will also see this as an act for which they can respect you.

Sending strength and support.

PassThis posted 1/16/2020 12:55 PM

heartbrokeninNC,

Please forgive me for sending you posts as a reaction to your disturbing news.

Of course, if you have decided that you are just done with her, you certainly can/should proceed at whatever pace is of your convenience or wishes. You owe her nothing, you don't have to deal with her at all. You can ask that all further communication be only about joint finances and the children and should be through your attorney, by email or text only, or any means that you prefer.

You do you. Best wishes for whatever you want to do/achieve.

Sorry for bothering you with my emotional response.

Sending strength and support.

heartbrokeninNC posted 1/16/2020 13:07 PM

Thank You PassThis!! It is by no means a bother. I kinda need this tough love. Just reading all these responses has confirmed all my gut feelings over the past 3 weeks. Sounds like I need to get on ball and get it rolling for my emotional well being.

KingofNothing posted 1/16/2020 14:01 PM

They will never ever have contact with him, DS17 can't stand him and DD15 absolutely hates him for what he did. DD19 doesn't know what is going on since she is away a military boot camp.

Does that mean you have some notion of specifically who the OM is, or they just hate his part in this? As in "have a name"? Your wording makes it sound like someone you already know. Don't let the disdain for the OM consume you. Remember this: she made the choice. He just took what was offered up freely. Yes, he is a scumbag (anyone who would knowingly sleep with a married person is), but that is a secondary evil to initiating the affair. That is solely on your wife. Hating him is easy but he isn't the target. Have you ever determined his marital status? I thought he might be a widower? Really, this situation is easy for him-- why would he disrupt the status quo?

As for the trip, I still think it would be a great opportunity to get some pictures.. you never know if it will become handy later. Is she going to a hotel or his house?

Did you look into the VAR or GPS tracker idea?

heartbrokeninNC posted 1/16/2020 14:06 PM

Does that mean you have some notion of specifically who the OM is

I know exactly who this person is and have all the information on him. Treating this as a military mission gathering intel. Also been looking at vehicle GPS trackers for the future.

As for the meetup, she is going to a hotel. Upon further research he is a widower.

amli posted 1/16/2020 15:00 PM

Heartbroken,

Consider telling her the day she leaves for this "meeting" is the date the period of separation starts. I wouldn't be worried about needing more evidence and quite frankly the continuation of the relationship after the start of a separation is, in fact, evidence of the relationship during the marriage. But, you may want to ask your attorney-he/she may see value in one last meetup while you are still "married"

Whatever date you choose consider taking a snapshot of it-by this I mean printing off copies of all balances, both assets and debts, on that day--last thing you want to be haggling over/researching is asset/debt as of the date of sep.

Is she on the lease? If she balks and won't leave you may be in for an in house separation-those are awful, but can be managed--just do NOT sleep with her--that act can cause issues with your potential claim of alimony (assuming you are determined to be the dependent spouse) as the courts in NC may determine you forgave the affair (an insane assumption, but it is what it is).

At a minimum I would send her an email telling her that as of (whatever date) you are separated. Your lawyer will likely file a complaint for equitable distribution/post separation support/temp child support/temp child custody long before he/she files for the actual divorce--, but it can't hurt to establish your intent to separate via email.

Between now and 365 days you may be able to hammer out an agreement-especially with the threat of a alienation/criminal conversation action.

thatbpguy posted 1/16/2020 15:08 PM

Why not find out what room they're staying in (or having sex in) and send up a bottle of champagne with their names on it and wish them well. And the divorce is underway and the children hate them both. See if that affects their little sex time.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 3:35 PM, January 16th (Thursday)]

Marz posted 1/16/2020 15:44 PM

You have another problem. Your kids know. So they will be watching how youíre going to deal with this.

With this in the mix you need to show them a good example of how you handle it.

Kids learn most from their parents.

Good luck

Marz posted 1/16/2020 15:49 PM

Went out to dinner last Friday and the discussion came up about the separation and she drops a bombshell (in an "oh by the way" manner) that she is going out of town to meet the guy in a week. Been telling her not to do it but she is going to go ahead anyhow and that she said will be fine,

Sheís cheating and youíre taking her out for dinner??? All youíre doing is enabling her behavior. Why?

It sounds like she expects you to take it.

Zero respect for you or your kids while sheís out playing?

Download and read ďNo More Mr Nice GuyĒ itís free and short.

She may have put you in this situation but you are the one who needs to get yourself out of it. The Calvary isnít coming.

This is all up to you

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