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Blackheart11419 posted 1/7/2020 13:16 PM

It has been 2 months since my D-day and honestly I feel like I am getting no where with my marriage. All we do is fight now and I'm not happy not like I used to be.

So let me start from the beginning. I found out about my husbands affair on Nov. 4th, 2019 and it has been going on since Oct. 23rd, 2018. The last time they ever had sex was Oct. 23rd, 2019. I had my suspensions but I wasn't for sure because he was being secretive with his phone and some other bedroom issues that never had come up before. Anyway the OW was supposed to be a friend of his and I knew she had feeling for him but he told me he was handling it and now I know what he meant by it. For a year he made me think I was paranoid and basically making me go crazy.

After I found out about the affair I kept finding out bits by bits and the more that happen the more I have become bitter and mean (ICE QUEEN).

I also just found out that he was having an EA with his girlfriend. So not only did he have an affair with OW he also had a girlfriend on the side. (That was more EA then Physical Affair) Him and his girlfriend never had sex ( Yeah Right). I honestly don't believe that because I can't trust anything that he says right now. My love and loyalty is running out. I really don't feel like I have a husband anymore. I just feel like that marriage was a joke. Yeah he may have loved me the first 6 months but after he starting have an affair with the OW that is when my marriage stopped.

We are in marriage counseling for couples and single but he needs to start telling me everything at once not over a 2 months time.

His family isn't helping at all they are making things worse by blaming me and not him. I have been loyal for the last 7 years. I haven't looked at another guy since we got together but he flirts with other women and he talks sweet to them but yet all I get is yelling and fighting. I am about to go nuts.

[This message edited by Blackheart11419 at 1:18 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]

tushnurse posted 1/7/2020 14:45 PM

Welcome to the best club you never wanted to join.

There are wonderful people here that share in experiences that are similar to what you are going through. So remember when advice is offered it is meant to give you a guide, to not make the same mistakes we did in those early days.

You are right, your H needs to come clean, own what he has done, and start fixing his own shit now. However this is something you have no control over, and until he willing to own it, I would caution against MC. It can do more harm than good if he isn't being honest with you the therapist, or himself.

I would encourage you to take back some control over your own life, and start to figure out how you are going to heal from this betrayal.

See an attorney if you haven't already. Learn your rights, know his obligations, get a good understanding of what D or S looks like for you and what your next steps would be should he not pull his head from his backside soon.

See your dr. Get full STD testing done. That means bloodwork and pelvic exam. Also talk to your Dr about what you are going through, and if you are stuck in a full on fight/flight mode figure out if you need or could benefit from meds. If you are having trouble with quality sleep and eating, you probably need something to help you get over this initial hump. No shame in it.

Figure out your list of demands of him what you need to help you heal, full transparency, a timeline, NC with his AP's, etc. Set some expectations, and be prepared to carry through with real consequences should he not meet your needs, or expectations.

Remember none of this is your fault or has anything to do with you. This is all because he is a very broken man, and he found ego kibbles, and decided he really liked it. He needs to start figuring out why he needs external validation, and until he does that, he won't be a safe partner for you. Also demand he get STD tested. Consider asking him to take a polygraph. There are many things you can do to start taking back some control, and feel stronger. Each positive step give you a bit more umph to take another positive step.

1Faith posted 1/7/2020 14:54 PM

Blackheart11419,

I am sorry that you are here and that you are hurting at the hands and the actions of your selfish husband.

You deserve more, you deserve better, you deserve honesty and truth. Don't settle for anything less. As uncertain as it feels, your future is yours to decide. You get to choose what you will and will not tolerate. Try not to loose sight of that in all this maddness.

Please clarify. Your WH basically has 2 OW. One is physical and one is emotional?

Has he broken off contact with them?

The only way he gets to keep living these lies is if you allow it.

Focus on YOU, fight for YOU.

(((good luck)))

Blackheart11419 posted 1/7/2020 15:48 PM

I already got the STD test done right after I found out and it came back clean and I was happy about. Yes he had a Sexual Relationship with one for a year after Nov. 2018 which he has no contact with what so ever and then in Aug/Sept. he was having an emotional affair with a friend of his. No she isn't out of the picture because she is my boss and it makes this situation so much worse.

ChamomileTea posted 1/7/2020 15:51 PM

Have you thought about getting a divorce and a new job? What's stopping you from putting these toxic people out of your life?

Blackheart11419 posted 1/7/2020 15:54 PM

I am looking for a new job and I have even applied for my home town and get out of this small town bull crap and as for a divorce I have thought about it because I always find out something every day and personally I am getting tired of it. Yeah, he is working on us but the damage is way to done IDK if we will get to R-Day.

Happenedtome2 posted 1/7/2020 16:08 PM

So sorry to see you here.

You are about to hear one thing over and over - THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It is 100% not your fault. Read that a few more times.

Your WH has more than just the OW and EAP. This is not his first (or last) rodeo. EA's are very easy to start and get sucked into and even harder to stop unless you catch them and go scorched Earth.

Most people here will advise against marriage counseling and I would tend to agree. You absolutely need to put yourself first. As I told my W when I decided to R, your marriage as you know it is over. What comes next is either a new version of your marriage or you head for the hills.

Either way, the fact that you currently don't/can't believe a word he says is not surprising as a) he's lying and b) you're still VERY early into your recovery and discovery.

Blackheart11419 posted 1/7/2020 16:15 PM

I know its not my fault but his family has blamed and shamed me for this. Right now I am just trying to figure things out and figuring what I want. I love him I know that but the reason I can't move forward is because of my 3 GOLDEN RULES. 1) No cheating 2) No Lying 3) No Abuse of any kind If I forgive him then do I lose myself and my beliefs or what?

ChamomileTea posted 1/7/2020 16:18 PM

Sounds like you have a plan in the making. Just remember that no cheater is owed a second chance. Your WH had over a year to think about what he was doing. Not only did he reject the idea of correcting his behavior, he doubled-down with an EA. You owe him nothing. Make your decisions based on what's best for YOU.

((big hugs))

1Faith posted 1/7/2020 16:41 PM

Are you still working with OW #2?

That has to be complete agony.

Only you can determine when enough is enough. You don't owe him or his family anything.

Do you have kids?

Keep getting stronger every day. FOR YOU

Blackheart11419 posted 1/8/2020 04:12 AM

We don't have kids together . After our marriage counseling session yesterday I feel like he isn't ready to have couples when he still has things to talk and work on about with his counselor. I know he loves me but everything from this point on can't be bs. Either he steps up or I'm gone. As for the 2nd OW yeah I work with her still but I got a interview Jan. 14th fingers crossed. THE OW #2 are becoming friends which idk if that is a good thing. I dont want a divorce but we do need to refocus on ourselves before we can even start to heal.

tushnurse posted 1/8/2020 06:56 AM

Oh honey, he is a basically a serial cheater now, and is unwilling to own what he has done, and allows family to blame you.

This is a really unhealthy dynamic, since you don't have children, it may wise to consider D, do you really want to spend the rest of your life dealing with this BS from him?

Work on healing yourself, stop the MC until he can be completely and totally honest and shows some remorse. Maybe by then you will have found some clarity. Read up on the 180 in the healing library it was invented for people like you that are lost, and have non-remorseful WS's. It's purpose is stop them from hurting you anymore, and you to find that clarity and balance in yourself again.

Blackheart11419 posted 1/9/2020 10:46 AM

We have stopped the marriage counseling till he can figure out what he wants from this marriage and no more surprises.

As for D neither one of us believe in it.

He has admit what he has done and he doesn't keep moving backwards.

I also made a new blog called back to step 1

The1stWife posted 1/9/2020 11:48 AM

This is heartbreaking to read. I canít imagine spending all this time watching someone I love flirt with others basically in front of me.

I know you were seeing counselors and you were trying very hard to reconcile, but it does not appear that he is doing what is necessary for you or your marriage. Basically it appears that only one of you is putting in the time and effort to reconcile.

My only advice is that I believe you should start focusing on yourself. If you donít change anything and continue the same pattern of behavior, most likely he will too.

If you start to do the 180 and start focusing on yourself and stop making him your priority, you can rebuild some of your self-esteem and confidence. Then maybe the next time he starts blaming you or yelling at you you will realize heís only doing that because he has no one else to blame for his unhappy life but himself. Since he canít Yell at himself he yells at you.

His parents blame you for his poor choices. He blames you for his poor choices. The only one whoís not blaming you for his poor choices is you! Therein lies the problem. If not you - you know that. Unfortunately HE doesnít know that.

I believe you can change your dynamic within your marriage but it has to start from you.

Iím sorry but the line neither of you believes in Divorce is laughable. That means he plans to continue to disrespect you and cheat on you and He expects you to accept this behavior from him. This may be why he continues this behavior b/c he knows you will not leave him.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:51 AM, January 9th (Thursday)]

Blackheart11419 posted 1/9/2020 13:15 PM

I am focusing on me. I am getting help and Im starting to figure out what I want and what I need.

As for D neither one of us believe in it.

justabrokendream posted 1/9/2020 13:18 PM

I don't think anyone believes in "D" but sometimes there is no option. Eventually the disrespect gets old.

Blackheart11419 posted 1/9/2020 13:29 PM

D isn't an option for us. Once we said I DO that was it no D no matter what thats what we agreed on. He needs to figure things out by himself and so do I.

CallingSpades posted 1/9/2020 21:51 PM

I'm so sorry you have to be here, Blackheart, but so glad you found SI. All the advice you've been given here has been spot-on for me and I hope it's helping you too.

Please don't let WH make you feel you are an "ice queen." To still be able to say you love him after what he has put you through... You are a good and loving person. Don't feel bad because you are seeing him clearly and feeling appropriate feelings.

My fingers are crossed here, too, for your new job. Your boss should be outed to HR. What she is doing is beyond inappropriate and detrimental to the company. My boss has been a huge support for me since DDay. I could not even imagine dealing with this level of betrayal.

I understand that you are opposed to D I suppose it's natural for his family to side with him, but I really am concerned about how their level of meanness to you will impact your ability to R. Both how it reinforces his justifications for his bad behavior and the simple difficulty of interacting with them as they remain in your family long-term. Surely it's too early to bring this up with him, but this is another thing that he is going to have to be willing to fix for you to be safe.

Wishing you all the strength you will need to take care of YOU.

Blackheart11419 posted 1/10/2020 06:44 AM

Thanks CallingSpades. His family has been mean to me especially his mom since we got together for 7 years but I'm at the point where when were asked to come over my H tells her it will just be him because my wife doesn't feel appreciated at your house. Of course she blows him off.

His dad is staying out of it because he has cheated on my H mom when they were married so he has really no room to talk. His mom didn't let his dad get a fighting chance she just went for a D.

I was an ICE QUEEN for awhile because I got tired of the hurt so I decided to become one and I am trying not to be the ICE QUEEN.

[This message edited by Blackheart11419 at 6:46 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

HellFire posted 1/10/2020 09:21 AM

You don't believe in divorce, and your husband doesn't believe in his wedding vows.

As long as he knows you will never go anywhere,he has zero motivation to change.

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