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CallingSpades posted 1/10/2020 13:03 PM

Oh, you have a wayward-in-law. Me too. When my therapist found out MIL is an unremorseful serial cheater, she sat straight up in her chair with an "uh-oh" look on her face... sorry, Blackheart, I am not filled with good news for you today.

fullofhope1234 posted 1/10/2020 14:03 PM

You are not alone. I am where you are emotionally. It can really make a person feel crazy when the ws denies and acts like it's in YOUR head! This is my situation, and, also, it makes me feel EVEN CRAZIER, because, he tries to, at least, be a good husband on other (like running errands foe me, etc.)!

Blackheart11419 posted 1/12/2020 09:17 AM

That's ok callingspades. His dad is just trying his hardest to let us work through this even though I know he wants to tell his son that every thing will be ok because thats what my parents are telling me. My parents want me happy and that's all.

FullofHope don't make any rash decision because people are telling you too. I left for a while to figure out what I wanted and every night I wanted my H and I wanted this relationship to work. Yes I have gone against my 3 Golden Rules but in the end its what my heart wants.

Happenedtome2 posted 1/21/2020 14:01 PM

Checking in to see how you are doing? Any update?

[This message edited by Happenedtome2 at 8:35 AM, January 25th (Saturday)]

sorryforeverythi posted 1/21/2020 15:28 PM

I am sorry that this is happening and I will add my limited two cents in.

Write it out, based on what I read he is a liar and a cheater, one leads to the other or they are born from each other but lying to me is worse than divorce.

I appercaite your commitment and I have the same ideals but unfortunatly I had to adjust my views. My three deal breakers are:

Are they a good person?
Are they an honest person?
Are they a loyal person?

I think in all good conscience you can say your husband is none of those. You might paint a fantasy where he is but based on his actions I think you will agree he doesn't meet any of those criteria.

If someone can't abide by those, they shouldn't be in your life.

You can take the advice that some give and become a cop, watch him like a hawk, record his conversations, download keystroke apps to place on his phone and computer, you can spend ever waking moment watching him to make sure he doesn't cheat, you can lock him in a cage and just sit outside at feed him through the bars, that isn't love and that isn't a relationship.

I am firmly in the dump him and move on, he betrayed you, that is the worst of all sins, seventh ring of hell stuff.

You deserve better. Let the fantasy go of what you thought he was.

When someone shows you who they really are believe them.

Blackheart11419 posted 1/24/2020 07:24 AM

Happenedtome2 I am doing a lot better. We actually had a bowling night Tuesday of this week and a NON VALENTINES DAY date which was really fun. We never get to stay for dessert but this time we did and it was amazing. I will have my bad days and good days and this week has had its good and bad. I found a hoodie that the OW has given him but that has been taking care of he burned it and that made my heart melt a little since the it has been icy for a while.

sorryforeverythi your right lying is way worse then Divorce. As for deal breakers that is a different story when we met he passed all of them. He is a good person who just made one BIG STUPID mistake, he only lied to me once but it was under very bad circumstances (How do you tell someone their grandpa died who was a father to them?) You can't because when his grandfather died I had a hard time telling him the truth. Again he was loyal because it was just me.

Happenedtome2 posted 1/25/2020 08:42 AM

In the nicest way possible, it sounds like you're completely rug sweeping. Please be very careful here as there are apparently no consequences for his actions.

Enjoy the good time by all means, but please do not think that everything is even close to being fixed.

Blackheart11419 posted 1/25/2020 15:28 PM

Happenedtome2 I know it is far from being fixed. I have my days when I get angry and I go off and I did leave for a while and honestly it was the best time but in the end I wanted to work on my marriage.

I am getting tired of my in laws trying to control who I can/cant talk to. My Father in law is getting a divorce from my step mother in law and my mother in law is getting a divorce from my step father in law. My step mother in law and I have a better relationship then my Mother in law and father in law have. They don't like it that I am talking to my step mother in law about everything I am feeling.

sorryforeverythi posted 1/25/2020 15:39 PM

D isn't an option for us. Once we said I DO that was it no D no matter what that's what we agreed on.

That mindset is what led him to cheating. If there is no stick then he will continue to cheat. Cheating is a deal breaker, cheating twice is a deal breaker. You need to put your morals aside.

As for deal breakers that is a different story when we met he passed all of them. He is a good person who just made one BIG STUPID mistake

That's a just not a truthful statement. He is who he showed you he was. He is a man willing to fuck other women. Don't convince yourself that he wasn't screwing the EA as well. If not her then he had someone else in the mix that you just haven't found out about.

When someone shows you who they really are believe them.

A mistake is hitting a mail box, not putting you dick in anyone other than your wife.

A mistake is forgetting to close the refrigerator door not having an on-going inappropriate relationship with your wife's boss.

I know it's fresh to you, but you need to take a step back and see this for what it really is. Your fantasy of your husband is just that a fantasy, IT'S NOT REAL.

The decision is yours but as most people will tell you, if he isn't being honest, and he's not, and if he is willing to work on himself, which he isn't, reconciliation is not on the table.

You need to take control, get a lawyer and start the divorce.

YOU CAN ALWAYS STOP IT.

Don't think he is going to change because based on what you have said he won't because "you don't believe in divorce" might as well give him a hall pass and start buying him condoms.

Blackheart11419 posted 1/25/2020 15:55 PM

sorry how is that neither one of us believes in D is a mindset for an A?

As for everything else I see what he has done with very open eyes. I am in counseling because of the A and my feelings haven't changed since I found out. Our relationship is very rocky and bumpy with a lot of walls. I hardly trust what comes out of his mouth but I have to work on forgiving myself before I can forgive him and that is what I am trying to do. I'm also going back to church and that is helping me as well. So I am focusing on me and what I want.

sorryforeverythi posted 1/25/2020 16:37 PM

how is that neither one of us believes in D is a mindset for an A?

Because if there are no repercussions than nothing is stopping him from cheating.

The pure fact that he cheated on you twice, and you both agreed to no divorce says he doesn't think you will leave him so he can do what he wants, which he did do.

My first wife and I agreed that we weren't going to get divorced and until the "to death do us part" kicked in we would figure it out.

We got divorced 13 years later.

People change, beliefs change, he might have been perfect when you met him and perfect for the first couple years but he changed and didn't let you know along the way.

I understand the importance of staying true to your word but relationships are a thing of two people not one.

If the basic underlying beliefs change in one of you it is up to them to inform their partner.

I am assuming he didn't come up and say "Hey babe, I am having some changes going on inside of me and I really feel that if we don't fix them I am going to find someone else to fill my unmet needs".

I know my ex didn't, so you are sailing your boat on the lake of marriage and he wants to jump on a jet ski and go off and play because he knows, you won't divorce him.

[This message edited by sorryforeverythi at 4:38 PM, January 25th (Saturday)]

Buffer posted 1/25/2020 17:57 PM

Hi Blackheart,
You have to look after yourself, no one else will. WH is broken as he cannot maintain the marriage boundaries.
Your in-laws being disrespectful and blaming you for your WH actions is just their arrogance to the situation, son can do no wrong.
All I can offer is to do a hard 180 on all involved against you and supporting WH in his A.
WH has the moral obligation to support you, it is another failure on his part.
Can you separate but remain married since you both donít believe in D?
Please do what you believe in and donít change you core values to suite on other person! That is what makes you you.

Hugs
Buffer

redfish posted 1/25/2020 20:43 PM

Iím glad you had a great date. When your WH burned the sweatshirt that must have felt good for you. I am happy for you. To be blunt it could have been a show for you.

Iím glad you are still here and hopefully following some other SI threads here that interest you. I say this not because I want your marriage to fail. I want you to learn how other BS became strong and made good boundaries that the explicitly explained to their WS. What will be his consequence if he breaks them?

I hope you are being careful that he does not find out about this site and you on it. I donít think he is in a position to learn from it. Enjoy your married life but it is way too early to let your guard down. Keep your eyes open but donít let him catch on that you are watching him.


Blackheart11419 posted 1/25/2020 22:46 PM

Buffer/redfish I said lets burn this and he said Ill get the fire ready so it didn't mean anything to him. Hell he realizes what I realized all along about the OW she just using him to make me paranoid and jealous. I mean she has mental state of a 5 year old. She never could comprehend anything major. We did separate I just moved back into the house after being gone since Nov. 4th but I refuse to sleep in the master bedroom till we both can have full trust in each other. We live in the same house but in separate rooms. His biggest consequence was me leaving for a while and he gave me my space I had to decide if I wanted to stay gone or go back. I made appearances when I needed to but other than that I was at my parents house.,

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