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Failed reconciliations

Louisianalisa posted 1/7/2020 18:20 PM

When I think about possibly reconciling with my WH, and of him moving back into our home (not sure if this will happen or when) I can't help but be fearful that we just will not be able to figure out a married life post-affair.

We all know of the term trial separations, but what about trial reconciliations? I think that this is the mindset my WH and I will have. It would be awful for him to move back in and then move back out again. Anyone here experienced a failed reconciliation?

OwningItNow posted 1/7/2020 22:31 PM

what about trial reconciliations?

I think it's common actually. There are no guarantees of anything. All you can do is try, right? But only if you feel you have some solid progress already in place.

ibonnie posted 1/8/2020 06:37 AM

Anyone here experienced a failed reconciliation?

Many, unfortunately. There's a post on the front page of the Just Found Out forum right now, where someone just found out about another affair. I don't know their story, but they joined SI five years ago.

Go back more pages, look at the titles, and you'll see there are a bunch of people that have sadly just returned to SI after thinking they were in reconciliation for 5, 7, 8, 10 years.

what about†trial reconciliations? I think that this is the mindset my WH and I will have. It would be awful for him to move back in and then move back out again.

Gently, this comes across as you wanting (deep down, at least) R. A WH that wants R (I think) needs to be willing to let go of thr outcome to a certain extent, and work on/focus on fixing their character flaws, but I think your chances of R are better when the WH also has the mindset of, Holy fuck! I hurt my BS! I almost lost them completely due to my shitty choices. I'm so grateful to have another chance to try to make things right.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 6:43 AM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 1/8/2020 08:39 AM

R is always risky. There is always a chance it won't work. That's why it takes years, maybe forever. It doesn't just happen and then, boom, you live happily ever after.

The CP needs to be all in from the get go. It is wise for the BP to be on the fence. Since you are already separated, my advice is to wait until you see genuine, consistent change from your CH, not just words about him being willing to try, before you consider letting him move back in. If he is saying he won't try unless/until he can move back, he's not ready.

crazyblindsided posted 1/8/2020 09:05 AM

I experienced failed reconciliation.

The CP needs to be all in from the get go

^^^Honestly after everything I've been through if the WS isn't on board from the get go I suggest kicking them out right away and making sure they stay out until they are ALL IN. Otherwise I think it just sets a precedent of allowing them to cake eat and walk all over you.

sisoon posted 1/8/2020 12:43 PM

I'm 9+ years out and consider myself reconciled. My W considers us reconciled.

But D is always a possibility. In that sense, all Rs are trial rs.

I started R for 2 reasons: 1) I wanted R; 2) my W wanted R and showed she would do the necessary work. Everything about her - actions, words, non-verbal communications - showed she was committed to doing the work necessary for R to succeed.

If you go in with your WS saying, 'Let's see what happens,' I suspect your chance of succeeding in R is zilch nada zero rien.

FEEL posted 1/8/2020 12:52 PM

I think this is what a lot of people do, but don't lable it as such. In fact I think any attempt at R is really a trial as no one can know how it is going to work out.

I experienced a failed R on 2 occasions. The 2nd time around I should have known better, but made a choice and paid the consequences for it. Those are 4 years worth of days in my life that I will NEVER get back.

Perhaps think of things in the two possible outcomes:

1) You successfully R. What does this look like in your mind? Does this mean you get your marriage back to where it was before the A. How was that for you? Was it great? Was it OK? Was it just OK?

2) What happens if you both don't trial R and go your separate ways? What's the best outcome possible in your mind? It is possible things could be much better than you might be able to get back in a R marriage?

I tried R and it didn't work. Of course that's just my case. However one thing that is the same for all of us is that each and every day is one we'll never have back and we all have a choice on how we want to spend today.

Kintsugi posted 1/9/2020 07:26 AM

If you go in with your WS saying, 'Let's see what happens,' I suspect your chance of succeeding in R is zilch nada zero rien.

Equally as was my case early in attempted R, if the WS demands a guarantee of success, the chance of succeeding in R is zilch. That mindset bothered the crap out of me because it dismissed everything I was reeling from, the damage done and basically rug swept multiple affairs. The by product of that mindset was that her focus was only on what she did right in attempted R with no zero awareness of the even bigger impacts of what she did in R that was hugely wrong. This of course represents my own personal line in the sand and experience. Yours may vary.

[This message edited by Kintsugi at 7:31 AM, January 9th (Thursday)]

LoveTKO posted 1/10/2020 07:54 AM

I had a failed reconciliation. My only advice to you is don't rush into anything. After Dday, we separated for 5 months. We started going on "dates" after he dumped the AP and then talked about reconciling. I agreed to have him move back about 2 months later. Looking back, I was so in such a traumatic state, I shouldn't have rushed into that. He made promises he never kept, tried to rugsweep, wouldn't talk, etc. for 2 years. I finally asked him to move out permanently. I was done. I wish I had made him SHOW me his dedication - his promises meant nothing.

Take your time. Speak to your IC about it. Take care of you! I wish you all the best...

Unhinged posted 1/10/2020 08:07 AM

...what about trial reconciliations?
Reconciliation is never a foregone conclusion. They're all "trials." That's the whole idea. A BS can offer the gift that is reconciliation but there are absolutely no guarantees that a WS will own and fix their shit and do the work that reconciliation requires.

sparkyengr posted 2/15/2020 00:52 AM

We've been in R for 17 years. First, I don't think anything inappropriate has happened in 17 years. However, the trust has only partially returned. Initially, I stayed for the kids, financial, etc. The kids are grown and out of the house now, but you know what, they have both made life choices that frankly squandered the financial advantage they had (college education, more money from a stable home vs a broken home, etc.)

Things were good for a long time, but the past two years they have deteriorated to the point that I am considering ending it. Honestly, if I had known it would still be this bad 17 years ago...
If I had known that being able to provide a college education and help the kids buy their first cars/houses would be wasted by both of them...

I would have separated and divorced 17 years ago. I'm still not sure what the future holds, but I'm closer to moving out each day. I'm just tired and fed up after all of these years.

If I had left and started over with someone else, I'm not sure I could ever trust them 100%. I don't think that will ever come back. It doesn't exactly make it fair to whoever comes along to have to pay some kind of debt for the hell that your ex puts you thru. My just be better for everyone for me to be single the rest of my life. IDK (shrug)

Rideitout posted 2/15/2020 06:35 AM

R is always risky. There is always a chance it won't work. That's why it takes years, maybe forever. It doesn't just happen and then, boom, you live happily ever after.

This is very true. But it's also "as true" (or nearly so) if you expand "R" into "relationships". A very high proportion of relationships include some element of infidelity in them. Even when you get to the "ultimate" in relationships, marriage, there's still a ton of infidelity. So, sure, reconciling with your WH/WW is risky. So is going to find someone new, they might cheat on you too. Is R riskier? I don't know, but I would suppose "yes" is the answer, you already know, without question, that your partner has the capacity to do it. They've tasted the "forbidden fruit" and they very well may have liked it a lot.

IDK, seems like this is one of those "devil you know" kind of discussions. Yes, she cheated on me. Could boot her today and find someone new who might also cheat on me. And she might cheat again. Which is more likely? I don't think that ANY of us can say for sure. First off, it depends on who you pick for your next relationship, how your WS is doing in R, how serious they are taking it. Then add some luck into it, some personal skills (how good are you at maintaining the relationship)..

I just don't think that any of us can say with any certainty at all, for an individual couple, how "risky" R is compared to "find a new partner". My sense is that, if good stats existed, "real R" would bring the risk to around the same level as it is with a new partner for another d-day (which, already is really f**king high!). But it's just a guess, I'm not sure stats like that exist, and, even if they did, how do you measure the "effort" the WS is willing to put in to R?

sparkyengr posted 2/15/2020 15:22 PM

Good point about the stats. I think most of those in R are hoping that WS learned a painful lesson and therefore the odds of them cheating again are lower than finding a new person.

Just what I think the hope is...I'm not suggesting there is any truth to that.

It would be interesting to do a poll and have everyone post 1,2,3 to the following
1 tried R and still happy with no cheating
2 tried R but failed
3 tried R still together but not happy

I'm 3

The1stWife posted 2/15/2020 15:46 PM

Big fan of Salisbury MD.

Iím not understanding how the children making poor financial adult decisions has affected reconciliation.

Is it just another disappointment on top of reconciliation (that wasnít successful) that has you regretting your decision to remain in the marriage?

Or has the reconciliation not lived up to your expectations and you now wish you had divorced?

Is it too late to reverse that decision to stay married?

Jesusismyanchor posted 2/15/2020 17:49 PM

I agree that is is usually a Ďtrial Rí unless you say you are staying no matter what the other person does. Most BS don't feel that way neither do I think it is healthy. I would suggest maybe making a list of what your goals are, your boundaries , and what you would be willing to commit to in R, along with your firm dealbreakers. It may work or it may not. You will only know if you try and only you can decide if that is worth it.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 5:51 PM, February 15th (Saturday)]

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