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Louisianalisa posted 1/12/2020 12:22 PM

There was a two month period (June and July, 2019) when my WH, who was deep into a sexual affair at the time, was lying to me and passing it off as just a friendship/emotional affair. The entire truth finally came out in August 2019, but during that June/July two month period, he said the cruelest things that have ever been said to me. I was in so much pain and was stunned by his "emotional affair" and I was stunned all the further at how cruel he could be to me. This man who vowed to love and honor me was killing me. There was never any violence, just hurtful words.

His cruelty towards me during those months is just as hard to move past as the affair itself. He is a different man to me now that he can treat me that way both maritally and verbally.

I asked him recently, where did that anger and cruelty come from? Unresolved anger with me? A defense mechanism to protect his double life? Guilt and anger at himself for his actions? Anyone have any experience with this? And any input for clarity for me?

[This message edited by Louisianalisa at 12:24 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]

WhoTheBleep posted 1/12/2020 13:34 PM

Yes. I have experience. My take: He HAD to villainize you in order to justify the horrible abuse he was inflicting on you by cheating. He had to convince himself you were a horrible person. This gave him permission to seek out another partner behind your back. He deserved to be happy. Not miserable with an a**hole like you. What he did, cheating, wasn't so bad, because you deserved it.

The lies cheaters tell themselves...

It's very painful. I'm so sorry. Whatever you do, do not internalize his words. They are lies, from a liar's lips.

Cheaters disgust me.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 1:35 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]

Gemini83 posted 1/12/2020 13:43 PM

My WH did the same thing. We live in separate states, looking back now and knowing what I know now. I know which weekends she was at his apartment. That was when he was the nastiest. The things he said to me were absolutely soul crushing. Those words were directed at me from the man who used to make me fee like I was the most precious thing in the world. He will be in another state until he retires this summer. For now we are just trying to repair our friendship, we will work on the marriage when he’s home. That’s when we’ll discuss all this, I think it’s best to be face to face for those discussions.

I do remember him telling me last year that when he read through text messages with me it made him feel worse then he’s ever felt before. He told me he never meant to hurt me he just wanted me to hate him as much as he hated himself. He’s said several times that he’s better off alone and I should find someone else, someone who loves me as much as he does but will treat me better.

I can’t provide any clarity on it for you, I’m still sorting it out myself. But, you aren’t alone in it.

sassylee posted 1/12/2020 14:01 PM

Yes, this is common. I agree it’s done to vilify the BS. Also, the BS is an unknowing obstacle to more ego kibbles from the affair. My husband was the worst when family demands encroached on his secret affair time. Taking my daughter to her therapy appointments, even his Dad’s birthday I got yelled at...I sure as hell didn’t want to see his family. I told him “I don’t want to go either. I’m not the bad guy here. Let’s skip it!” But he had to take it out on someone and in his mind I was already the barrier between him and his low class soul mate.

Justsomeguy posted 1/12/2020 14:51 PM

So what is he doing to heal each individual wound he has made? Is he doing g6he work?

AnnieOakley posted 1/12/2020 14:52 PM

What was his response when you asked him the questions LL?

GoldenR posted 1/12/2020 14:56 PM

My husband was the worst when family demands encroached on his secret affair time. Taking my daughter to her therapy appointments, even his Dad’s birthday I got yelled at...I sure as hell didn’t want to see his family. I told him “I don’t want to go either. I’m not the bad guy here. Let’s skip it!” But he had to take it out on someone and in his mind I was already the barrier between him and his low class soul mate.

Yep. I experienced this as well.

She was sooooo pissed off every weekend as hers was mostly a workplace "bang in the parking lot and janitors closet" A, and she had weekends off.

I'd get home at 7am after working overnight and by 9am she'd start throwing pots and pans around to wake me up

Louisianalisa posted 1/12/2020 16:10 PM

When I asked him why he was so nasty to me, he said he wasn't sure, but that it was most likely his defense mechanism to protect his double life.

As if his lies weren't enough.

As far as what is WH doing to heal the wounds, he is not taking each cruel comment word for word, breaking it down for its cause and apologizing to me, if that is what you mean. Although, I would appreciate that. I don't know if that is feasible. Those months were a blur to him and he does not remember some of what he said, nor the reasons for the anger.

He is in MC with me and working on providing transparency. We do talk a lot. When I told him I didn't know how to forgive the cruelty, he said it is unforgivable.

Not sure what WH can do to heal these particular wounds. Any suggestions?

[This message edited by Louisianalisa at 4:14 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]

Adlham posted 1/12/2020 16:21 PM

Add me to the list, as well.

I don't have any words of wisdom on how you can heal.

Robert Fulham put it best: sticks and stone may break your bones, but words will break your heart.

My ex would say some really vile things to justify his cheating when I would get angry.

I did warn him to think before he spoke because once it's out there, you cannot take it back. And I never said anything in anger to him that I wouldn't have said otherwise. In addition, when I was pushed to that point, I never apologized and meant every single mean thing I said.

I think you can move past it, but I don't think you will ever forget.

I left my ex over 20 years ago and I still remember every hurtful, hateful thing he said. I no longer care, it no longer bothers me, but I will never, ever forget.

cancuncrushed posted 1/12/2020 16:38 PM

wh was especially cruel. It’s pretty common. You might look into narcissists. It’s really common.

I felt Wh resented me. He had every opportunity to live happily ever after. And I was the obstacle. And it would be expensive to divorce. So.... he hated me. He was stuck.

As we tried to R it seems neither of us got over it. He always wished he picked her. But she dumped him. His job was in jeopardy. It looked really bad. She was 20t years younger.

His last A he did choose her And she also dumped him. Guess he finally has karma. He lost it all. Respect wife family money real estate. Extended family. Health. He’s all alone. No more ball and chain. No more pesky marriage in the way.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 4:40 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]

BetterTimesAhead posted 1/12/2020 16:55 PM

I definitely experienced this. WH would scream at me for no reason and I was just baffled. He would blame me for things that couldn't possibly be my fault (he dropped a glass in the kitchen and I was in the living room? my fault). He kept saying "I can't do this anymore" and originally I thought it meant he couldn't be married anymore but I've come to believe it meant the lying and the guilt and the double-life.
Why did he do it? I don't know. I'm guessing that he was disgusted with himself and even though any rational person would blame themselves, he was blaming me and therefore lashing out at me. But who knows. I don't think he'll ever tell me. And at times he still is that person unfortunately.

Virgo911 posted 1/12/2020 16:58 PM

This must be out of the cheater’s playbook. My WW did the same thing to me, and I could not believe this was the same person that I was married to. The most hurtful, degrading things I’ve ever heard, and I couldn’t believe they were coming out of her mouth.

swmnbc posted 1/12/2020 17:53 PM

Forgiveness is for you. It's freeing yourself from being a prisoner to the pain caused by his actions. You can forgive someone without reconciling with them. I highly recommend Desmond Tutu's Book of Forgiving when you feel you have processed the raw pain enough. Whether your marriage can be rebuilt depends on whether he is a safe person now. If he were an "ideal" wayward spouse from now on, would you feel comfortable letting your guard down? Or was he just so very cruel that it's too risky? This is something only you can figure out, I'm afraid. I hope he is doing that work to grow in a truly empathetic and compassionate person because that's who he wants to be, not because he's doing damage control. The way you figure out the difference is time . . . he should be making consistent progress, but too big of a leap probably means it's an act to get you off his back. If he's taking two steps forward and one step back, and learning from the process, then you may be willing to give him more time to see if he can get to a place where you can love and respect him.

[This message edited by swmnbc at 5:53 PM, January 12th, 2020 (Sunday)]

hcsv posted 1/12/2020 18:10 PM

I'm divorced not because of the affair but because of what he said and did after I found out. incredibly cruel.

betsy62 posted 1/12/2020 22:46 PM

This was/is the hardest part of the healing for me.
Never could I imagine my X being so intentially verbally cruel towards me.
It was really only one encounter, but it was a doozy.
I will never forget the look in his eyes, or the words he said to me.
There is no forgiving those words either.
I, also, had to been seen as the enemy. The destroyer of our M.
He was/is too much of a coward to face what he did. Easier to blame me, and run.
I also believe in that moment of raging nastiness, he was unloading all the repressed anger and hurt he had towards his mother. I was an easy target.
But, that is another story.....
It is hard to move past the words. It is one of the many reasons I could never have R'd with him.

[This message edited by betsy62 at 10:47 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]

BearlyBreathing posted 1/12/2020 23:12 PM

Ah... the “I can’t do this anymore”. I got the anger and that statement all the time. So unoriginal, so boring. But it was part of the vilification of the BS.

Good luck LL.

Throwaway999 posted 1/13/2020 06:06 AM

I am also 2 months past my last Dday and my WS has yelled at my repeatedly and said very cruel things to me. It definitely like he is harbouring some deep resentment and anger towards me. Yet I am the BS. And I am the one getting yelled at.

Don’t get me wrong, in the first moments of discovery I said and yelled some pretty graphic names at him. And I actually don’t regret it at all....I think it was probably a very common response to having your world turned upside down.

But now 2 months later, he is less apologetic and less empathetic? Yesterday he screamed me...”he does f**king love me”. And I asked I asked him to take a moment and asked himself how that is a loving statement? I just left the house after that.

I really wonder who is this person I married?

Maudlin posted 1/13/2020 06:46 AM

I was done as soon as I found out about the affair. Gave him separation papers, done. (Divorce is really complicated as expats) Over.

But he couldn’t let that stand- the man who had been making marriage ending decisions for god knows how long. He had to spend the next 4 months explaining why it was my fault for everything from not helping him lose weight to not being a better military spouse. Seriously. He said that.

That cruelty? I was done, never would have consider reconciliation. That was just pure meanness. Because he is a little mean man with no honor. And he had to punish me.

It took a nervous breakdown witnessed by my daughter for him to finally fucking stop.

I wasn’t going back anyway, but I’d have to be a total masochist to do it after that. I have done a LOT of stupid things regarding him, but not that.

3greatkids posted 1/13/2020 07:04 AM

Don’t get me started. This man has cheated for 26 years of a 25 year marriage, trickle truthed for years, still not come clean, and is a raging violent entitled asshole whining about himself and thinking I need to “put down my ax” and start treating him better.

The cheating maybe could have been worked through and forgiven...but the horrific behavior after he started getting caught? Not in this lifetime

hopefullife posted 1/13/2020 07:14 AM

His cruelty after Dday is what's hurting me the most. He wasn't verbally abusive, but he ensures he has nothing to do with whatever burden he left me with. I was left to fend for myself. While the OW happily posts pictures of all their activities together.

I still sometimes dream about the day where he begs on his knees for me to take him back, so I can return the favor of not caring at all.