SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

Gloria68 posted 1/12/2020 13:39 PM

Found out before Christmas that my partner of 21 years has been having an affair with another man for over a year. He had been sneaking out at night whist myself and the kids were in bed. I found out by chance when his daughter overheard him on the phone and confronted him and he couldn't face her so ran away to his mum.

To say i am devastated is an understatement. I looked after him and his kids all these years. Our youngest who is still at school as no idea and we are trying to keep it that way as she has health and mental health issues.

He says he wants to stay as a family and I'm trying but I don't think I'll ever be able to trust him and he knows this.

I think he is gay and that he knows if he chooses this lifestyle he'll lose everything (I'm by no means saying being gay is a lifestyle choice). He's been so homophobic with his language over the years and I think this maybe to mask his true feelings. He says he loves me and the family and doesn't want to lose us. A few weeks and he says that this may bring us closer together, I could have found something different to bring us closer together!

Stumblingon posted 1/12/2020 14:01 PM

So sorry you are having to go through this. He has given you a lot to process.

Have you had time to work out what you want going forward?

Does he think he is gay? What has he told you about the affair? Have there been others? Is he prepared to cut off the affair and stay monogamously heterosexual?

Gloria68 posted 1/12/2020 14:39 PM

I'm not sure what I want we have both always said we would be honest with each other throughout our years together.

He says it's the only gay affair he's had and if I ask questions he tells me I'm getting the truth. The thing is he was always planning to leave us, but now he's changed his mind and I'm not sure what to make of it. He says he wants to be with me but deep down I don't believe him, things are still new and raw!

cannotforgive posted 1/12/2020 14:47 PM

I am sorry this has happened to you.

Please see your GP and have a complete STD panel done.

You do not know how long he has been exposing you to HIV and other diseases.

Find a counselor to work on the infidelity trauma.

See a lawyer regarding assets division and custody of your child.

If this was happening to me, I would drop him like a bad dream.

Of course he does not want to loose the family, no cheater does. Think very clearly what you want in your life. Why was he intending to leave the family?

[This message edited by cannotforgive at 2:50 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]

Gloria68 posted 1/12/2020 15:01 PM

I guess he was planning on leaving us to be with this guy. He says that he told him that it is over and that he has stopped all contact, not sure how you can do that if you claim you love someone. But he's always been very selfish, he blames his mental health I blame his upbringing and him obviously!

His mum knows and she says that she'll always love and support him and who can I tell apart from his own daughter who has lost any respect for him whenever had, I have no one. If my family and youngest found out that would be the end of it for him.

Yes I will get checked out although he promised me that he was always using protection. He says he's glad I've found out and that living a life was killing him, but from where I was standing he seemed to be enjoying life, was I that blind?

Cooley2here posted 1/12/2020 15:28 PM

Please don’t assume that he is going to stay away from this guy. If not him someone else. It’s cheating. The sad thing is he’s cheating himself as well. If he cannot be true to himself he certainly cannot be true to you. I think, at this point, you and he need to separate. I almost never tell someone to do that but you can’t live with this.

I have relatives who have always been out. They are married to their partners and have wonderful lives. It’s so sad for both of you. I cannot imagine how someone could keep such an important part of themselves private this long but it must have made him difficult to live with. Please take care of yourself.

ChamomileTea posted 1/12/2020 15:36 PM

That would make him a very special snowflake indeed if he actually did "use protection". Most cheaters lie about that, particularly when they're in a limerent, long-term affair and feelings have been expressed. Get a full battery of STD testing and retest again in six months. Even if your cheater isn't lying, condoms don't protect fully enough to bet your life on.

You've said quite a bit about what your cheater wants, but not a whole lot about what YOU want. And that's typical really. We get caught flat-footed by infidelity and it takes time to sort our own feelings out. But make no mistake... you do NOT owe a cheater a second chance. Twenty-one years is a long time, I'll grant you. I've been married over 35. You've still got lots of time ahead though and you owe it to yourself to live your best and fullest life. So, right now... it's all about YOU and what YOU want.

This guy risked your life and has had you wearing his beard for who knows how long. It doesn't matter what he wants.

Gloria68 posted 1/12/2020 16:09 PM

Thank you, you have all given me something to think about.Lots of emotions going through my mind and body at the moment.

I thought things were going fine and we were looking to the future. He talked about the house buying a family car, all this and he was planning to leave us anyway, I really don't understand.

I need to be more selfish and learn to put myself first.

Slanted posted 1/12/2020 22:41 PM

I need to be more selfish and learn to put myself first.

Remember that when you've been deceived and betrayed, it's not selfish to put yourself first. It's just self-preservation.

Don't worry about being selfish. Cheaters do a fine job of being selfish by taking your shared intimacy and trust and destroying them. Your version of "selfish" is just going to be taking care of yourself, now that your partner has proven he's got little interest in taking care of you.

[This message edited by Slanted at 11:04 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]

Buffer posted 1/13/2020 20:22 PM

Ok Gloria
One day at a time, Let’s get into IC for yourself as well as him and daughter.
Please get medical checks, him as well.
Sexuality can’t be turned on and off there are underlying issues is he Bi or Gay but living in a marriage?
This needs to be addressed you may only get hurt more later down the track.
Cyber hugs
Buffer.

ann1960 posted 1/13/2020 20:50 PM

Hi. My husband told himself that he wanted to end and destroy our marriage. So he cane up with the brilliant idea of cheating and sex with an old gf would make that happen. Once discovered, 3 years into the affair, his unicorn bubble burst and facing the truth changed his mind. Once faced with a dose of reality divorce was not his desire. He realized in the light of exposure what he had to lose. He chose our marriage. He wrote a no contact letter and to my knowledge he has not broken it.

Once they experience their fantasy and are bumped back into their real world they can wake up. It will take time even if he swears up and down he choices the marriage.

You have a cheerleading squad here.

Gloria68 posted 1/14/2020 16:06 PM

Thanks everyone. I'm taking things one day at a time and seeing where life takes me. I now realize that I have the upper hand. At the moment he's saying and doing all the right things but I'm not sure how long it will last.

I've taken great comfort in your kind words and thank you all for responding to my post, just when I thought I was all alone x

tushnurse posted 1/14/2020 18:35 PM

Regardless of who he cheated with or why you need to protect yourself first and foremost. Get full STD testing. That includes a pelvic and bloodwork.
You also should see ab attorney to understand your rights and his obligations. If he truly is gay and was waiting until the kids were out of the house to leave or be with men then you absolutely can predict that thos wont end here especially if he doesn't do therapy or the work to figure put his why and fix it. And if he is gay you don't want to force him to stay. He will never be true to himself.
I would encourage you to get into IC. Infidelity is a total mindfuck. It is a trauma and a huge betrayal. No shame in getting help navigating it.

Gloria68 posted 1/21/2020 14:02 PM

Well a few weeks have gone by now and things are a little stable. I've asked all the usual questions whether he's gay, hi he's definitely not straight as recent months have shown.

I did want it to work but not sure how I can when I can trust him. I don't found get agitated if he's a little late from work, I'm not that sort of person. At present he's saying and doing all the right things, not sure if it's too little too late!

I have loved this man with all my heart I'm overweight (not a problem) and he's always accepted me for me, also making me feel confident particularly sexually we've always clicked. We said that we would never cheat on each other, instead chat and either leave or stay and work it out. I'm absolutely devastated and heartbroken and I don't believe he realises just how much. To be honest if his daughter hadn't caught him out I'm pretty sure it would still be going on. The other week I had to leave the house as it all got too much for me. I can after and said sorry but all I could do was breakdown and I told he should have just left us and for the first time I did see hurt in his eyes and I thought this would give me satisfaction but I just felt empty!

We are trying and talking certain question I ask I have to do it by text when he is away from home because I feel face to face I could strangle him. He's been naive enough to think this could have carried on for a few more years. What's more he has ended with his boyfriend just like that, which I find strange, if you were planning to make a life with someone surely it can't be easy to leave them behind.

He has two children from a previous relationship who I tried to raise as my own, and we have two grandchildren together. He knows if he goes he will lose everything none of his children will have contact with ever again, and I will have to try a broker contact with them all but I have been told it will never happen, they are adamant. So when your spouse jumps into bed with someone else destroying whatever trust and love you ever had for them, they need to realize that it affects everyone and to be honest I don't want people to take sides.

Still taking each day at a time, although the stress as triggered my asthma and anxiety at time and immune system is low, had 3 bouts of cold/flu in 4 weeks ago, I read not. I'm hoping this will work and I hope he's being honest and open with me.

I don't have to worry about money or house or contact as I honestly believe that he would leave me with everything and start again so as not to upset the children. Looking to rant as I've been feeling low these past few hours.

NotSureAboutIt posted 1/21/2020 17:14 PM

I21 years together and he had not made the decision to marry you says a lot about his commitment to you and your relationship. Sounds like you would be better off without him. Good luck!