"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Anotheron3 posted 3/31/2020 12:51 PM

Here is your reply: "Yes, absolutely. I would like to know what it feels like to be truly loved by a woman of quality. I wouldn't want to end my life without experiencing love."

I couldn't think of that at the time but that would have been an excellent reply! I hope someone here can use that.

Unsure2019 posted 3/31/2020 13:04 PM

I know this has been a very painful journey. You’ve handled it with grace and class. If you don’t fully see it now, when you meet the woman that’s right for you, you will realize just how big a bullet you dodged here.

It’s just amazing how many WWs live in a parallel universe. For her to think you might find your way back to each pother after the divorce or to be stunned that you would want to get married again is just mind boggling. I don’t think she could ever be R material even if you wanted it.

MickeyBill2016 posted 3/31/2020 15:27 PM

I don't think that you have heard that last from her. When/If her new relationship dissolves she may come wandering back to you with either a "why haven't you gotten over this?" or a "woe is me, I was so lost but you are my tru lurv"

Keep strong.

KingofNothing posted 3/31/2020 15:29 PM

She asked me if I'd ever want to get married again. I looked at her without hesitation and said "definitely." Which stunned her. She was saying how she will always consider me her "only" husband, and can't expect I feel the same about her. She's finding solace the best she can get is being my "1st wife."

How romantic! She sure has a strange way of showing her attachment to you, doesn't she? At least she's realistic about how you might be choking in disgust as she says that. BTW, I think this is BS... she'll be married again in no time. She likes having someone around to maintain the status quo for her. Security is important. She'll have some poor chump's head on the block in point blimfark.

I'm very hopeful and am feeling strangely happy. It's weird...in a good way. Freedom from infidelity is gr

That giddy feeling.. That's your brain realizing that the future is now full of possibility, but not misery.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 3:32 PM, March 31st (Tuesday)]

Marz posted 3/31/2020 15:44 PM

The big takeaway for you is:

What did you lose? Nothing.
What do you gain? wisdom, knowledge.

I get it. It’s heartbreaking both mentally and physically but what if you were 45-50 with kids? You could never fully trust her again.

She was a want but over time you’ll discover she was never a need.

You’re very young and will overcome this.

[This message edited by Marz at 3:45 PM, March 31st (Tuesday)]

Anotheron3 posted 5/11/2020 16:39 PM

I figured it's been a little time since I've last posted and I figured I'd update.

The divorce was finalized in record time even in this pandemic. I had a harder time selling a used car.

The Ex-wife has been reminiscing about our past and trying to see how I am and wishing for the end to be the start of a new beginning with us. I didn't really respond to any of this and had some passive aggressive responses which finally stopped her from contacting me for the most part. She has since sent photos of our milestones to try to keep me in her memory or something. I don't know what her point is.

From what I understand, she's still with the OM. I'm not over what happened, but I'm much better now.

Besides the support of family and friends, the best thing that helped me get through this was meeting someone else. Nothing serious (yet). It reminded me that there can be something good after all of this mess.

beenthereinco posted 5/11/2020 16:53 PM

I don't know what her point is.

From what I understand, she's still with the OM.

Sounds like she is trying to make herself feel better for the things she did. You should save all of the messages and send them to the OM some day and ask him to ask his GF to leave you alone.

goalong posted 5/11/2020 16:55 PM

Looks like she wants to keep all the options open at the risk of your getting the pain and frustration renewed. Better to close all links ASAP. As it says what eyes do not see the heart does not grieve about, which can also be applied to the ears.
Unlike meeting all dolled up while cheating, once one get in to living together one has to face the reality . The cheater OM (since he has no competition now ) may not be all cozy and showing his true self.

Anotheron3 posted 5/11/2020 17:07 PM

You should save all of the messages and send them to the OM some day and ask him to ask his GF to leave you alone.

Lol, thanks for the laughs. That was something me 3 months ago would have done. Now IDGAF.

The cheater OM (since he has no competition now ) may not be all cozy and showing his true self.

My thoughts exactly. I'm sure she's trying to keep everything while giving up nothing. I'm not giving her a reason to hold on, yet she still is.

fareast posted 5/11/2020 17:59 PM

Anotheron3:

Glad to see you are doing well. Thanks for the update. Good luck moving forward. IMO if you want a glimpse into the reason your ExWW continued to contact you even after your D and reminisces, you have to look no farther than what you wrote in your first post in this thread. Your ExWW is supremely selfish and totally rewrote your M history to justify her actions. But she can not escape the truth of what you wrote: You totally supported her and your relationship from the ground up. It was you bearing your soul to her while she would sit silent. You never gave her a reason to feel insecure and you actually made her life too easy.

She knows she will not get that kind of support and devotion again. You feel unappreciated, used, and disrespected. She feels some guilt and she wants to keep contact, only for own her selfish purposes to feel better about herself, not to help you. No contact is great. She is in your rear view mirror. Thank goodness.

Anotheron3 posted 5/11/2020 18:01 PM

fareast:

Well said! Thank you for the words of encouragement! You're so right on all points.

MickeyBill2016 posted 5/11/2020 18:18 PM

She may be checking the possibility to make another run at you, thereby cheating on her BF with her XH.
Never going to be satisfied, that woman.

Marz posted 5/11/2020 18:33 PM

Blocking her on everything is easy. Which is your best path.

I’d block off her family too. You need a clean break.

If not you’ll just give up headspace for breadcrumbs.

[This message edited by Marz at 6:44 PM, May 11th (Monday)]

paboy posted 5/12/2020 04:55 AM

She may have realized that the grass may not be greener.

However, she is no longer entitled to what you offered her. The wisdom of 'pearls before swine'.

Go forward and live a great life. She was just a stepping stone for you.

I presume that you are still moving. Set new goals, and power forward.

Booyah posted 5/12/2020 05:27 AM

If she reaches out to you again about getting together in the future tell her that ship has sailed.

That you want children and based on her actions she'd be a HORRIBLE mother!!!

She's not trustworthy, has no boundaries, is a liar, but most importantly she's SELFISH!!

Selfish people make horrible parents.

Not only did she cheat on you but she's now cheating on this OM.

Than thank her for everything because it now gives you the opportunity to find the right partner and one who won't put her own selfish agenda above you and your kid(s).

Tigersrule77 posted 5/12/2020 06:29 AM

I have to agree with Marz. Now that your D is finalized, why do you have any contact with her? Seems there is no need.

Any reason she is reaching out to you is not for YOUR benefit, certainly. Cut the cord and move on. You will be better off.

I'm glad to hear that you are healing. Keep focusing on yourself.

KingofNothing posted 5/12/2020 09:59 AM

Thanks so much for the update and I sincerely hope you check in from time to time. You've managed to escape this debacle with grace and dignity after being wronged quite badly. Don't hate her (I know you don't,just underscoring it), but remain being indifferent to her. Honestly, I wouldn't bother responding to anything she says any more. It opens you up to pain shopping and you'll never let her go. You've aimed for indifference and done a great job with that. Don't set yourself up. If you have no unfinished business, it may be time to ghost her and wish her luck on the way out. There's no more point in continuing any conversations with her-- it's just a clumsy way for her to manipulate you.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 10:02 AM, May 12th (Tuesday)]

smolderingdark posted 5/12/2020 18:33 PM

Congratulations on your escape!

As others have advise, do not respond to any further communication from your ex wife. Any closure she is hunting for she will have to find on her own.

It is much more likely that she is looking for a soft place to land when her relationship with the AP ends. She will need to find it elsewhere.

"I'm sure she's trying to keep everything while giving up nothing. I'm not giving her a reason to hold on, yet she still is."

A narcissist will refuse to let go where a normal person would. Would encourage you to look up "covert narcissist" and see how closely your wife's behavior matches what is documented.

All the best going forward.

Mene posted 5/12/2020 20:36 PM

Well done, dude. Well done.

I’m wishing you a great future with a woman that loves and adores you.

Anotheron3 posted 5/13/2020 11:15 AM

Thanks all for the continued words of encouragement. It does feel great being on the other side of this. Going through it I couldn't see any way out...but I just wanted to update to show that there is.

After the D, I've been unraveling everything we've (mainly I) built for us. It's been sad but I feel the weight being lifted every step that I take.

As far as blocking her, I've been doing so step-wise. I took her off social media and such. Mundane stuff like the utilities, taxes, etc. TBD. Once all of that is taken care of, I'll be in the clear.

Would encourage you to look up "covert narcissist" and see how closely your wife's behavior matches what is documented.

You hit the nail on the head with this one. I think this would match what her behavior is right now. Although in doing what she did really alienated from her family and friends.

[This message edited by Anotheron3 at 2:00 PM, May 13th (Wednesday)]