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Wife of 2 Years and Emotional Affair

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Buffer posted 1/14/2020 19:36 PM

Brother
Lots of advice and guidance from well knowledgeable people who unfortunately have prior experience with infidelity.
Can you exspose this EA to HR? Both parties really do need to be accountable for their actions.
She has gone and wants out of the Marriage.

Sorry
Buffer

EllieKMAS posted 1/14/2020 19:53 PM

Anotheron I am just going to comment on a few things that stood out to me.

She said she felt alone and I wasn’t there. She also mentioned that she feels our relationship has always been this way and that she knew what she was getting into when she married me, thinking that this was me, and she compromised and accepted it. I never knew any of this. Long story short she said she wanted to be alone and single.
This is CLASSIC cheater rewriting. If she was feeling all of that she had a duty to YOU to have a conversation about it not to go start a relationship with another man.

I asked her if she cheated on me, and she said no, they just hugged and talked a lot (This I truly believe she’s being truthful).
I'm sorry but she is not being truthful. Man, so many of us BS's so want to believe this, but more often than not your cheater is LYYYYYING. Your ww probably is too. I'm so sorry.

I did whatever I could to save our M. I contacted the other person to tell him that I knew what was going on and that they need to keep their talks to strictly professional communication at work, without threatening him in any way.
Gently, NO. The way SHE saves her M is cutting contact entirely. No "professional" convos. No convos at all.

she caught me on her phone, so she cut me off her access (which I understand).
Oh HELL to the no dude. She cheated on you! Guess what ww?? I get to go through your phone whenever the hell I need to. My xwh pulled that shit too... Like he had the right to have any expectation of privacy. I remember a fight about that when he pointed out that he "never went through MY phone". I slid my phone across the counter at him and told him to feel fucking free. I got nothing to hide, so I have NO worries that he would find anything dicey on MINE. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

I’ve done so much for this M, I’ve supported us from the ground up. I feel used, disrespected and unappreciated for everything I’ve done. I never gave her any reason to feel insecure, and made her life too easy. Does this M look like a waste of my time or is there any hope?
You have been used, disrespected, and unappreciated so those feelings are entirely valid. You have been a faithful partner and spouse. You aren't perfect - but NO ONE IS.

No one can tell you whether to stay or go and only you can decide what is the best thing for YOU. I can tell you with a fair degree of certainty, after having been here on SI for over a year now - your ww is not a good candidate for R at this time. I'm sure others have recommended it already, but read up on the 180 and implement it as much as you can. You can't nice her back and the pick-me dance never ever EVER works.

I am so very sorry you had to find SI. But so glad you did. This website saved my life and my sanity after DDay. Still does a lot of the time.

Sending you hugs!!

faithfulman posted 1/14/2020 20:38 PM

Serve her divorce papers, stop talking to her, cut off all support from your side.

Start working out, bump up your dress code and personal style.

Make some friends and hang with them.

Don't tell her shit about what you are doing.

Then watch her come running back talking about how she realized her mistake yadda yadda yadda.

but really, by that point you may find that you don't want her anymore.

I'll bet she has done a lot more with this dude than hug. And he didn't want any part of her when shit got real.

by the way, why was he scared? Are you physically intimidating? Did you express anger at him? Did you say something to him that scared him?

Thumos posted 1/14/2020 20:39 PM

I know she doesn't want to "hurt me" but she already is, every day.

Anyone engaging in an adulterous affair knows they have crossed a boundary that could blow up their family and hurt their spouse. They know they have transgressed a basic moral baseline of human civilizations universally dating back millennia.

Don’t give her a pass on this.

“I never meant to hurt you” is a cliche that happens not to be true. If you’re willing to accept collateral damage for your affair — and you are willing if you’re engaging in an affair — by default you’re willing to hurt your spouse.

If they say “I didn’t think about it” this by definition just makes them an entitled self involved narcissist who lacks empathy for other human beings.

Far too many adulterers want a pass here and want to blame FOO issues, depression, being “unfulfilled” in a marriage, havinf ADHD, not enough orgasms, the “fog,” accidentally tripping and falling on someone else’s genitalia — or just about anything other than looking in the mirror and taking responsibility for their own shitty choices.

Thumos posted 1/14/2020 20:43 PM

but really, by that point you may find that you don't want her anymore.

faithfulnan has some good advice here. If you add some muscle, reduce the belly fat, upgrade your daily dress code and start having some real fun in your life week to week — you may be surprised to learn she’s not all that great.

faithfulman posted 1/15/2020 00:12 AM

Thanks Thumos - I want to make another really good point ;-)

Your wife doesn't "bust you" doing shit!

- So you got a camera - she's cheating.
- So you looked through her stuff - she's cheating.
- So you called her boyfriend and he peed his pants and told her which gave her a mad and a sad - she's cheating.

You are un-bustable! She is a cheater and has lost her moral authority to complain about her privacy or whatever. She has no power over what you do to get to the bottom of her infidelity and remove yourself from its grasp.

In fact, once you assert your rights as a married spouse and an actualized man who does not have to take her shit, I'll bet she realizes it as well.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 12:36 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]

Anotheron3 posted 1/15/2020 09:42 AM

I know everyone is saying she's having a PA most likely, and that could be the case. I only say it's an EA because I do have evidence stating otherwise that I've omitted in case she ever finds this thread. I don't think she'd be lying to herself.

Can you expose this EA to HR? Both parties really do need to be accountable for their actions.
She has gone and wants out of the Marriage.

I thought about it, but I haven't been able to figure out the most tactful way to do it.

You can't nice her back and the pick-me dance never ever EVER works.

Thanks for the support and perspective! You all are giving me a lot to think about. She's been blame shifting me on this and making me seem like the crazy one to her friends, etc.

Start working out, bump up your dress code and personal style.

Make some friends and hang with them.

Don't tell her shit about what you are doing.


I've been doing this already somewhat. I started to workout and I feel great. I can't wait to try out Jim Stoppani's program! I try to go out and hang with friends when I can. The few times I was able to stay out past after she gets home she didn't even care. She didn't even question me. It's like she's doing the 180 on me.


by the way, why was he scared? Are you physically intimidating? Did you express anger at him? Did you say something to him that scared him?

I didn't express anger in anyway, in fact I was very calm and collected. I've met him once so he knows who I am. I wouldn't say I'm physically intimidating, but I am tall skinny and medium built. I guess I do have a pretty mean RBF if I really wanted to . I would just think that he's not much of a "manly man" and ran at any sign of resistance.

You are un-bustable! She is a cheater and has lost her moral authority to complain about her privacy or whatever. She has no power over what you do to get to the bottom of her infidelity and remove yourself from its grasp.

This seems very logical and I don't know why I didn't think this way before.

[This message edited by Anotheron3 at 11:05 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]

This0is0Fine posted 1/15/2020 16:21 PM

I know everyone is saying she's having a PA most likely, and that could be the case. I only say it's an EA because I do have evidence stating otherwise that I've omitted in case she ever finds this thread. I don't think she'd be lying to herself.

You probably won't listen to me, because I don't like listening to others. My WW had (what I still believe to be) mostly an EA. However, the worst thing she did progressed from "held hands in a taxi" to "I kissed him and he pushed me away" which was a trickle truth of the full accounting I was given that was "I tried to kiss him and he pushed me away". She believe this is a "mechanical detail" about whether lips touched because the kiss was not reciprocated. I am living with that as my current truth until such time as the trickle truth hits again. If it hits hard enough, I'm not going to be able to forgive.

You are most likely, at some point, going to get some trickle truth.

Things I did right:
1) Tell the other betrayed spouse.
2) Tell my WW she could have as many relationships as she wanted with other men or a relationship with me but not both and that she is free to leave.
3) Demanded no contact and required reporting of work contact (this is NC as modified by "Not Just Friends" case where true NC at work isn't feasible). I'm lucky enough that there are three physical offices that are part of the company, and my wife almost never HAS to be at the same physical office as him. If she did, i would be far less comfortable with the modified NC. Another poster said something like, "If you let them work together you might as well schedule 8 hour dates between your wife and her boyfriend."
4) Demanded she find a new job.

Things I have done wrong:
1) Not followed through on my demands. I am a weak and flawed individual, and despite believing my demands are reasonable, I have no way to force her hand without filing for divorce, which right now, I don't want to do. I could recover alone and proceed with the divorce, but I'd rather reconcile. Filing for divorce without wanting it feels too manipulative for me to do, but has been recommended here.

Do what you feel you can do. The advice here has been very good and it works.

Prepare for a roller coaster of doubt, confidence established to be broken, feeling like you have resolved something then having it unresolved, and just a lot of pain and difficulty. Neither you nor your wife are who you thought you were anymore. You are forging a new relationship between the new you, and if she wants to reconcile the new her. The old you and old her are gone.

You can get through this.

Anotheron3 posted 1/15/2020 16:43 PM

Things I did right:
1) Tell the other betrayed spouse.
2) Tell my WW she could have as many relationships as she wanted with other men or a relationship with me but not both and that she is free to leave.
3) Demanded no contact and required reporting of work contact (this is NC as modified by "Not Just Friends" case where true NC at work isn't feasible). I'm lucky enough that there are three physical offices that are part of the company, and my wife almost never HAS to be at the same physical office as him. If she did, i would be far less comfortable with the modified NC. Another poster said something like, "If you let them work together you might as well schedule 8 hour dates between your wife and her boyfriend."
4) Demanded she find a new job.

Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry you had to go through this as well. I appreciate you sharing what worked and what didn't. I've made it known that she needs to find a new job after DD, but now that I know of all these strategies, I need to implement the 180 and fully demand these things. It just is frustrating because even if a NC is established, her work has an instant messaging system in which they use to communicate all day anyway. I need her to leave that place.

annb posted 1/15/2020 17:01 PM

Hi, on my way out, but just wanted to suggest you do not tell your wife about this site.

It's your safe space.

BTW, I've been on these boards for a very long time, and there's probably a handful of situations where the EA wasn't also a PA. Hope for the best prepare for the worst.

My husband and his affair partner both told me they only kissed. I knew there was more, and my husband finally confessed the OW met him at his hotel when he was visiting her site.

Cheaters lie. All of them. Proceed with caution.

Right now your focus is to get out of infidelity.

RocketRaccoon posted 1/15/2020 22:15 PM

I thought about it, but I haven't been able to figure out the most tactful way to do it.

Huh?!? Why do you need to be tactful about it? Are you afraid that you might hurt the HR person's feelings? or are you just doing the whole analysis to paralysis thing?

If you want to be a prick about it, you could just walk into their workplace in full view of everyone, and go into the HR dept. That will set tongues wagging.... but seriously, this may not be the best route (unless you want to so a scorched earth play).

Stop the hand-wringing behaviour, as that is unattractive and unbecoming. It just telegraphs that you are weak.

Also, don't bother setting any boundaries if you are not willing to enforce them, as they will also show the wayward (and to everyone else who knows) that there is no substance behind those boundaries. That they are just words, nothing more.

Be assertive without being a bastard. Try and keep your mind clear, so that you make clear decisions. Do not keep adding ingredients into the pot if yo do not have to.

The AP should not be your focus, so stop talking to him. He did not make vows to you, your WW did. Focus on her. Her AP can tell you that you spoke to him, then turns around to tell your WW, who will then get even more mad at you, and the AP gets his free booty call.

If you want a shot at R, then transparency is one of the elements you need, along with the full truth (all in one shot, no TT, no lies by omission).

TheGuy123 posted 1/15/2020 23:34 PM

Just let her go...it just might save your marriage!

In my case I just smiled and wished my old lady the best and bailed.
I found it interesting that folks want what they can't have.
Even more interesting is when it's their shame and not yours... we get the power back.

So make this affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible to continue.

Piss your old lady off and see what she is made of. People value the things they have to work for.

You just might make her think twice in what she is giving up when she sees you will no longer take her shyt.

Distance your self from her and she just might second guess her thinking.

At the end of the day....if you guys are done ...she will at least respect the fact that you command respect and will not share her. Just like she would never share you with another chick.

JUST LET HER GO!!!

Chicks dig confident guys....show her you are confident enough to just let her go and find someone else/move on.

It's hard to fake it , but you have to show her that you can let her go!
How else are you going to make her second guess her choices? What else are you going to do to make her think twice about her choices when she sees you no longer will take her crap?

It's been my experience that as long as she thinks you aren't going any where she has you by the balls.....it's time to change her thinking and make her do the work to keep you around!

TheGuy123 posted 1/15/2020 23:37 PM

When everything is said and done you might be better off with out her if she can't fight for the gift of forgiveness?

Sharkman posted 1/16/2020 05:37 AM

Jim Stoppani is great just be careful and consider all your options when buying supplements :). For those starting a program, supplements should be the lowest priority consideration and only used when there is an established healthy fitness and nutrition plan in place. His plan suggests otherwise.

Anotheron3 posted 1/16/2020 09:46 AM

I just want to thank the great people of SI for giving me such great advice and the confidence to do what is needed to be done.

Last night she finally reached out to me and I did a hard 180. I said things I was previously afraid to say to take back my power. It felt amazing.

I let her parents know what's going on which also is putting on more pressure.

Thank you for showing me how much I'm worth. For once I'm starting to see the light.

As far as resolutions, nothing came out of that conversation so far besides me feeling better about myself and my actions. She sounded extremely accepting of it and finally apologized for some of the wrongs she's done. We shall see in time.

[This message edited by Anotheron3 at 9:50 AM, January 16th (Thursday)]

faithfulman posted 1/16/2020 09:53 AM

Good job Anotheron3!

Just remember, when she tries to revert, blame you, minimize, excuse her shittiness, backtrack, etc....

FUCK THAT SHIT!!!

Vomitousmass posted 1/16/2020 23:06 PM

Hello Anotheron3. I sent you a private message.

Buffer posted 1/17/2020 01:31 AM

Well done brother. We are what we accept.
Responsibility and Accountability she must accept.
Take as much time as you need. But you need the full information to make that call. Never accept fault. Issues in the marriage are one thing but it is a conscious decision to EA and OR, never a mistake.

The truth will set you free, I hope 🤞
Buffer

[This message edited by Buffer at 1:31 AM, January 17th (Friday)]

Anotheron3 posted 2/28/2020 16:49 PM

Update: This hell of a limbo lasted up until earlier this week.

She moved out and the moment she moved out the EA turned into a PA multiple times. (confirmed by data)

This is definitely depressing and I am very sad for the "loss" of my former wife...not the wife she is now.

That was my final straw. I'm filing for a D. Good riddance.

[This message edited by Anotheron3 at 4:54 PM, February 28th (Friday)]

Marz posted 2/28/2020 16:55 PM

Good the only one who can keep you in limbo is yourself.

Sorry you wasted your time/effort on this.

Don’t waste anymore

[This message edited by Marz at 4:57 PM, February 28th (Friday)]

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