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Wife of 2 Years and Emotional Affair

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squid posted 2/28/2020 17:03 PM

Good for you. It's a MAJOR relief when you have a plan of action. Limbo is hell. Now you're out.

File and don't look back.

smolderingdark posted 2/28/2020 17:07 PM

Good riddance indeed.

Be prepared at some point for her to try to come crawling back. What fools such as your former wife do not understand is that all relationships require effort. If she couldn't be bothered to contribute to the stability and happiness of your marriage do you really think she will put in effort in any other relationship that follows? No. They will all crumble. Cheaters also cheat on each other once the magic and the thrill wear off.

If you have data/documentation release it to all family and friends. Expose this affair so that she cannot craft a narrative that leaves you at a disadvantage. The added bonus of doing this is it will keep her occupied and off balance trying do damage control.

This0is0Fine posted 2/28/2020 17:12 PM

I'm sorry for your loss, Anotheron3.

Good luck with the divorce. Be prepared for lying, cheating, and general absurdity. One of my friends has four court dates related to general bullshit his XW filed during divorce.

Keep a VAR on your person at all times.

You could get hit with any kind of shenanigans.

False reports of violence, restraining order, etc.

I hope it doesn't happen to you, but you have to be ready for it.

Anotheron3 posted 2/28/2020 17:37 PM

Thank you for all of the support and information everyone. This will be hard but I know this is needed.

I do hope she does come crawling back, so I can reject her as she rejected me.

smolderingdark posted 2/29/2020 03:05 AM

Anotheron3,

One other item for your consideration.

Do not hesitate to expose them both to their employer. Particularly if your data demonstrates they are conducting their romance on company time using company resources.

Nothing brings reality faster to a pair of wayward fools like unemployment. Nothing brings greater satisfaction to a betrayed spouse like scorched earth.

SnowToArmPits posted 3/1/2020 00:38 AM

Her loss.

You're still a young man, got your whole life ahead of you. Make her a part of your past, look forward don't waste time looking back.

You start pining for your wife, here's what you wrote in your OP:

I feel used, disrespected and unappreciated for everything I’ve done.

goalong posted 3/1/2020 07:32 AM

I do hope she does come crawling back, so I can reject her as she rejected me.


Do not hang on to thoughts like this. The past is gone. No one can do anything about it. Live in the present. Yes BS is in a way defeated/betrayed. But he/she is not a loser the WS is.
Do your responsibilities like job, professional advancement, family matters working out even better. Being positive minded /having positive energy in the face of adversity is sexy in every one eyes. Wish you strength. This weekend is your worst. From now on it is going to be better every passing day, especially if you focus on you

[This message edited by goalong at 7:53 AM, March 1st (Sunday)]

Anotheron3 posted 3/2/2020 10:31 AM

I appreciate the kind words everyone. I definitely want to "watch the world burn" but am trying to keep as positive as possible.

I'm just stuck in the mindset that I've hit rock bottom and have to take the low road to get back to the high road.

I understand I am young and can move on...It's just hard.

[This message edited by Anotheron3 at 10:34 AM, March 2nd (Monday)]

DBFool2019 posted 3/2/2020 14:23 PM

Sorry you're here Anotheron3,

I really do believe her about not having a PA. I've caught her meeting up with him in very public places for coffee or lunch. Usually it's before work, otherwise she goes to work and comes home. I will keep what you said in mind as I start to implement the rest of your suggestions.

Please stop saying this type of stuff.

TimSC posted 3/2/2020 15:15 PM

Is other man married or have a GF? If so, expose to them and tell them why you are divorcing.

All contact should be through lawyers now.

You have done well getting yourself out of infidelity. It will be a hard road to travel, but once the divorce or separation is finalized you and a little time has passed you will realize that letting her go is the best thing you could have done for yourself.

Anotheron3 posted 3/2/2020 16:21 PM

Is other man married or have a GF? If so, expose to them and tell them why you are divorcing.

Unfortunately, no. Just a single guy.

goalong posted 3/2/2020 17:55 PM

To get over this period, make sure you talk with people who care about you. Also it is no harm getting some temporary medical help if you feel like it.
The cheating happens in unicorn world. Your WW may see the reality as time goes on. Any how doing your things better and make progress is the real response to her betrayal. If you financially helped her in her studies etc, I think you can make it a point in any D case

Fife posted 3/3/2020 07:51 AM

Anotheron3... I don't know why I was compelled to post, especially since I spend the vast majority of my time lurking here, but for whatever reason, here goes it...

You'll come out of this just fine. So many wonderful people here to help because they know how it feels. Their love and concern is healing and instructive. They saved my life (Hi Bigger!).

It's completely understandable where you are and how you feel. Understand that betrayal is the toughest thing for a psyche to work out. There's a reason that betrayers and traitors were on the bottom ring of hell, right next to Satan, in Dante's classic "Inferno".

She took the best part of you, your oft-blind and complete trust, that a well-adjusted individual gives to few in life, and used it as a shield to hide behind as she allowed another person into her, but worse, later, as a weapon against you.

Let that sink in. You're where you are because she committed an emotional crime that most would prefer death to. If your "data" is correct about her affair turning physical as a direct result of you taking a stand, then she certainly attempted to use your heart, your trust, against you.

You must now take complete charge of yourself. It is over. No more damage from her actions. 180.

I'm not going to get religious, although some religious texts are quite instructive psychologically. One that stands out is the Golden Rule, "Do unto others that which you would do unto yourself", or one of many similar translations. People take this as "treat others as you would treat yourself", which is a good rule of life, but there is a deeper layer. This is that the opposite is also true. If you are a person who strives for good, and loves others as himself, the only way that you can love completely is to love yourself first and love yourself properly. "Love yourself as you would others".

It's time to love yourself, to step outside and you yourself take the advice you would give others. 180. You need no more of this. You must love yourself now, or you will find it hard to love others in the future. When she lays the next trap, and she will, love yourself with the love that you once gave to her, and take the advice you would given to those you love, and not let your aversion to facing betrayal head-on get in the way.

The 180 is not about making the other person pay, although, sometimes that ends up happening. The 180 is another path to self-realization, through a voluntary withdrawal from infidelity, deceit, and betrayal. You MAKE yourself break those psychological ties that, in trust, were beneficial to the relationship, but without fidelity, are poisonous- unhealthy. The side effect is that it also leaves the other person to their own devices. That's when the weirdness starts. You thought that it was messed up now? Perhaps. Perhaps you've seen nothing yet. They have psychological ties as well, parasitical ties, but ties nonetheless. You'd best love yourself and start taking the advice that you'd give others when those "weird" episodes occur, especially when the OM starts wondering what he signed up for!

I have this feeling that you're going to come out of this better than ever.

smolderingdark posted 3/3/2020 08:08 AM

Anotheron3,

You don't have to burn your world or theirs. Exposing the affair allows you to move forward. Taking action allows you to move forward. Telling the truth and exposing the affair is not the low road. Sure there will be consequences but you aren't responsible for their poor choices.

The high road as you refer to it is as good as a fairy tale in these situations. You must do what is necessary to protect yourself. You can continue to cling to this ideal of course but in the end I suspect you will be very disappointed. There are a legion of betrayed spouses that regret they did not expose the affair sooner.

Good luck whatever course you choose.

Anotheron3 posted 3/3/2020 11:49 AM

Thank you Brothers. I will take whatever path that will help take back my life.

This whole time I thought the 180 was a means to work on the relationship. I now know that it wasn't that ever. It is a means to free myself from this hell. I'm just taking it one day at a time and have a whole lot of support behind me...even her own family (which is crazy to me).

TimSC posted 3/3/2020 12:22 PM

Thank you Brothers. I will take whatever path that will help take back my life.
This whole time I thought the 180 was a means to work on the relationship. I now know that it wasn't that ever. It is a means to free myself from this hell. I'm just taking it one day at a time and have a whole lot of support behind me...even her own family (which is crazy to me).

In order for you to heal, you will eventually have to cut her family out of your life, or at least have little contact with them. Although you think they are supporting you at the moment, they are her family and will eventually be on her side in the end. Do not tell them your plans or anything about your life now. They will pass on the info to her.

Buffer posted 3/10/2020 06:14 AM

Sorry brother for your position your WW has knowingly, will fully placed you in.
Again HR need to be advised as they are responsible for their work place romance and how it has affected your marriage.
As she has moved out this can be counted as abandonment for the D. 50-50 all marriage debt, bills and expenses.

It is more important now to look after yourself, eat well, drink shit loads of water, IC, when she sees you next you will be the better man that never changed his morals throughout this.
Some one posted that when you see her next don’t disparage as it is good practice to give your cast off to the less fortunate.

How will this POS feel as he has ended with a cheater!

You will be the one she lost! Her failure is your gain!

Strength to you.
Buffer

[This message edited by Buffer at 6:20 AM, March 10th (Tuesday)]

Westway posted 3/10/2020 12:52 PM

I do hope she does come crawling back, so I can reject her as she rejected me.

It won't happen my friend. She has gone too far and she knows you will never take her back after she has debased herself with another man. She may have dawdled a bit at the beginning, but once they get up and over that hilltop, there is no stopping the snowball. She has too much pride and has built up too strong a false narrative in her mind, making you out to be the bad guy and herself the victim. Your WW did it, my WW did it, a lot of people's wayward spouses do it; so she is nothing special. Many cheaters reinvent the marital history to justify their poor decisions.

I do believe that one day she will look back and regret what she did, and she will come to miss you and the life the two of you had, but she will never admit she fucked up to anyone, leastways to you.

Anotheron3 posted 3/10/2020 16:39 PM

Although you think they are supporting you at the moment, they are her family and will eventually be on her side in the end.

I've already started separating myself as I can see her mom reverting.
You will be the one she lost! Her failure is your gain!

Thank you, I'm working my way to get there.

I do believe that one day she will look back and regret what she did, and she will come to miss you and the life the two of you had, but she will never admit she fucked up to anyone, leastways to you.

I believe she's already at this point and I think that's all I'll be able to get. After I outed her to her friends and family, she had to own up to it...most likely the minimized story. I'll take that.

Marz posted 3/12/2020 13:28 PM

My sister was a wayward. Her mentality or justification never changed many years later.

So don’t bank on them ever “getting it”.

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