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Wife of 2 Years and Emotional Affair

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solo posted 3/13/2020 08:10 AM

Donít know if you are still reading replies since youíve gotten so many, but as a man who went through this, hereís my advice:

LEAVE.
WALK AWAY.

It never gets fixed. We can pretend that things are ok at times, but the pure joy of having her as a partner is gone forever. Youíll doubt everything she says, about every subject, forever.

I stayed because of my children. If not for them Iíd have been long gone. After five years the best Iíve managed to do is to feel numb to it and fake happiness when I need to. The fact that I pretty much just donít give a shit anymore is the peak of my healing.
You donít have kids. Itís only about your own happiness, so I recommend you donít waste anymore years of your life and just walk away. Itís what Iíll be doing the second all of my kids are grown and on their own.

I havenít read all of the comments so you may have already decided to do so. Maybe my situation is different. Iím only relating my own experience. Five years later Iím just a guy who puts on a mask every day and plays a part. My real self died years ago.

Anotheron3 posted 3/13/2020 09:40 AM

Five years later Iím just a guy who puts on a mask every day and plays a part. My real self died years ago.

Thanks for the reply solo. I'm working my way out now and have the D papers ready. I thought I could fool myself in trying to get this M to work...doing so made me feel exactly what you stated above. I thought putting on a mask would make me happy, but I was dying every day. Time to change that.

Westway posted 3/14/2020 07:36 AM

After I outed her to her friends and family, she had to own up to it...most likely the minimized story. I'll take that.

Owning up to cheating and taking responsibility for that cheating are two vastly different things. She may admit to it, but she will steer the reasoning towards it being your fault she cheated.

Anotheron3 posted 3/19/2020 09:44 AM

Just some updates.

After discovering the PA a couple days after it happened I went NC for about a month. I traveled to see family and friends every weekend and got support. She began to finally get out of the "fog" and began to realize the sh*t she put us through. She began to text me that she missed me and us, to which I continued the NC. I posted pictures of my travels and could see she was looking at it (after she deleted all social media).

About a week ago we finally saw each other again to memorialize (I'm not sure if that's the appropriate word) the miscarriage, something that both of us planned to do months prior to discovering the PA. She was regretful of everything, apologized even. We talked like we haven't talked in years. The month prior I tried to convince myself that I didn't love her anymore, and I didn't care about the marriage anymore, but I clearly still do.

After all of this we talked about the D and I still said it was necessary. I feel like we both are going through the motions even though we want to try it again. I don't know what the right move is anymore. I feel like I should move on because that's what society says, but in my heart I know I want to give it another shot even through all of this sh*t.

Marz posted 3/19/2020 09:58 AM

I posted pictures of my travels and could see she was looking at it (after she deleted all social media).

Manipulation at best only works short term.

About a week ago we finally saw each other again to memorialize (I'm not sure if that's the appropriate word) the miscarriage, something that both of us planned to do months prior to discovering the PA. She was regretful of everything, apologized even. We talked like we haven't talked in years.

Words donít mean much. Has she stopped her affair? Gone no contact with the AP. Looked for another job to get away from her AP? If not all youíre getting is talk. Which without actions mean very little.

Upfront most just want them back without thinking of what theyíd be getting back.

Try and stay out of hopium. It would be up to her to repair this. Just because she has regret at probably getting caught isnít going to get you much.

Take the time to think this through thoroughly which will get you more clarity.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:03 AM, March 19th (Thursday)]

squid posted 3/19/2020 10:08 AM

I don't know what the right move is anymore. I feel like I should move on because that's what society says, but in my heart I know I want to give it another shot even through all of this sh*t.

It takes a while for your heart to catch up with your head.

Regret is cheap and is based in selfishness. "Oh whoa is me. Look how badly I've shit the bed. I miss my old life." That's a lot of "me" and "I". Not so much about you.

No one says you can't try to R later on. But do so with her as your girlfriend. Let her do the work and prove that she's truly changed into the safe partner you deserve.

fareast posted 3/19/2020 10:16 AM

Marz is correct. Be vigilant. Keep moving ahead with D. If she really wants to try and R her actions will tell you a lot. Is she still in the A? If you both want to try it again she needs to show you with her actions.

Anotheron3 posted 3/19/2020 10:17 AM

Thanks guys. I definitely have to go NC again to get some more clarity.

Manipulation at best only works short term.

To be fair, I didn't expect her to see them as she deleted her social media.

Marz posted 3/19/2020 10:30 AM

Stop looking for signs from her.

If you have to look hard they probably arenít there.

beenthereinco posted 3/19/2020 10:52 AM

I feel like I should move on because that's what society says, but in my heart I know I want to give it another shot even through all of this sh*t.

You do what you want for yourself. Don't care what society says either way. The only thing that I would say though is to just think of these questions. Has your WW stopped dating the OM? Has she quit her job? Gone completely No Contact with him? Told you she was willing to do that and was committed to you and your marriage? If not then what do you have to even work with.

She is a married woman. If she wants to be a married woman she knows that a minimum she shouldn't have a BF. You don't have to tell her this or wait for her to decide between you two. This is black and white. You are having second thoughts about something that doesn't even seem to me to be a question. You can't reconcile on your own. She has to be fully committed and frankly the successful reconciliations that I have seen on here have been when the Wayward Spouse takes the leap of faith with no guarantee that it is going to work out. They cut off the AP, commit to the marriage and start trying to prove to the Betrayed that they are all in even when the Betrayed Spouse is in the 180 and actively planning for the Divorce.

I have not seen you say your WW is anywhere near that stage. If you go back to "giving her a chance" then I think all you are doing is agree to compete with this OM for your Wife. That is no way to live.

Anotheron3 posted 3/19/2020 11:12 AM

Thank you all.

She has to be fully committed and frankly the successful reconciliations that I have seen on here have been when the Wayward Spouse takes the leap of faith with no guarantee that it is going to work out. They cut off the AP, commit to the marriage and start trying to prove to the Betrayed that they are all in even when the Betrayed Spouse is in the 180 and actively planning for the Divorce.

Thanks for the Cliff's Notes. I think I know better what to do now.

Buster123 posted 3/19/2020 12:36 PM

In case you still have doubts, read the title of this very thread and change it to:

"Wife of just 2 years and already in an FULL BLOWN PHYSICAL AFFAIR"

Brother life typically gets more complicated, and if she's already cheating after just 2 years when you're supposed to still be in the "honeymoon phase", then she's already shown you who she is (a proven cheater and liar) and IMHO not worth the daunting effort to R, which typically takes 2-5 years under the best of circumstances with a fully remorseful WW doing all the work, right now your WW is light years away from being one, get rid of her now before your life gets more intertwined with finances and children in the future, making it even more painful and difficult, stay the course and follow through with D, life's too short, good luck.

MickeyBill2016 posted 3/19/2020 12:38 PM

Not to pile on but has she stopped contact with AP during the last month, and can she prove it? I realize it is hard to prove a negative but she needs to make an attempt. If she hasn't then that tells you something.

Jobs are tough these days as so many are working from home. And may not be called back to work.

Do what you feel on your timetable, but think of YOU first, not her, not SI not the AP. Take your time, you will run thru every emotion towards her eventually settling on the one you really feel which will guide you to D or R.

To me the odd thing in your story is that you were together for 9 years, then after 2 years of M she cheats. Was it the miscarriage that brought on the A? Or did she have that in her before....

oldtruck posted 3/19/2020 14:02 PM

op, has your WW left the job where the OM works?

has your WW gone NC with the OM?

if the answer to either of those questions answer is a no then
you must tell WW that you must have NC with her until both
the job change an NC with the OM are in place.

nothing wrong to eventually resume a relationship with your
WW. though she must start IC as well as meeting job and NC
requirements.

also tell your WW that the divorce has to go through before
you would date her again for you need to protect yourself
as a consequence of cheating.

WontBeFooledAgai posted 3/19/2020 14:22 PM

Even if WW is not seeing POSOM, there is quite the possibility that *he* was the one who ended it. And why wouldn't he. Women who cheated on their husbands don't exactly have the highest stock when it comes to whom you want to be in a relationship with, if you know what I mean. Stuff probably got real for POSOM when WW left and he and she could be together in the open. Something else for you to think about, brother, I know what I wrote sounded harsh but you do need to get that this is a possibility. I am sorry you find yourself here...

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 3:02 PM, March 19th (Thursday)]

Buffer posted 3/20/2020 00:27 AM

Well brother, this is up to you. You do what is right for you. If you want R but society suggests D, then you make the call. R is the hard walk. Is she really sorry that she didnít communicate her feeling and thoughts?
One day at a time
Buffer

Anotheron3 posted 3/20/2020 10:26 AM

Good morning all.

I will never know if NC has been established as she still works at the same place. I can only go off what she tells me, which is not much as I have restarted NC with her.

I don't know why I am kidding myself. I know I need to move forward with the D.

[This message edited by Anotheron3 at 11:38 AM, March 20th (Friday)]

Dismayed2012 posted 3/20/2020 10:26 AM

A percentage of time the OM or OW will dump the WS after the WS informs them that he or she is getting divorced or will be free to be with them full time. Those affair partners are looking for a fun piece of a$$, not a full-time relationship. So when you read others on this forum saying that your WS likely got dumped, they're probably correct. When that happens, that means that you are plan B and if the affair partner had chosen them, they'd be with them over you. This is a reality that's usually hard for the BS to live with but everyone's different. And adding to what a couple others have said about your WW's value in the OP's eyes. They're correct again. Your WW is just a play-thing to the OM. He sees no value in her other than an F-toy and someone to do their bidding. Very few would actually marry your WW because they know she's a cheater and will never be faithful to them. You'd do well to see your WW with the same eyes as they do. I wish the best for you.

Westway posted 3/20/2020 13:25 PM

Good morning all.
I will never know if NC has been established as she still works at the same place. I can only go off what she tells me, which is not much as I have restarted NC with her.
I don't know why I am kidding myself. I know I need to move forward with the D.

Beyond the NC is her lackadaisical attitude towards the whole thing. I mean, she is about to lose her husband and her marriage and from what you have described she is acting like it's not the end of the world. Don't you want a wife who is so desperate to save her marriage and keep you as her husband that she would move heaven and earth to do so... do anything you ask and then go above and beyond? Aren't you worth it?

Anotheron3 posted 3/21/2020 10:24 AM

I mean, she is about to lose her husband and her marriage and from what you have described she is acting like it's not the end of the world. Don't you want a wife who is so desperate to save her marriage and keep you as her husband that she would move heaven and earth to do so... do anything you ask and then go above and beyond? Aren't you worth it?

You couldn't have put it any better. I do deserve that. Thank you for the reminder brother.

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