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Trying to reconcile but Im worried itís a waste of time

Nothappy1980 posted 1/20/2020 04:36 AM

Hi Iím new here but Iíve been lurking since I found out about my partners affair. I am just so confused about so much, I thought actually writing on here might make things a little clearer for me.

So a brief story.

We met over 3 years ago. I felt like we completely connected straight away. I have been married before and unfortunately by the end of the marriage we both walked away amicably as we had fallen out of love :(
The love I share with my current partner, I have never felt before. He is so kind and caring and always gives up his time without me even asking, he equally wants to be with me and my children as much as we want to be with him.. We laugh, have so much fun and heís always been there for me when Iíve needed him. We also have an amazing physical and emotion connection too. We would socialise with friends and they were all so happy for me, as my family was too. He constantly tells me he loves me everyday.

Although we have all these amazing things going on we have also had hard times too. I have had to try and navigate my divorce and help the kids come to terms with that. He had left one job and started a whole new job which was stressful for him. However the worst thing was that he had frequent access to his daughter when we met. Iíve spent many happy times with his daughter. However his ex had grown increasingly difficult and stopped him from seeing her. They are currently battling it out in court. This has been hugely upsetting and stressful for him and has naturally strained the relationship at times.

He moved into my house around 9 months after dating and he contributes as much as he can towards the bill etc. I am financially independent and do not need him in my life for anything other than companionship. He would struggle to rent somewhere and pay his bills but he would have just enough to do it, so again Iím hoping heís with me for the right reasons.

We went on a family holiday at the end of the last summer and on one night my parents had the children he proposed, it was the most romantic setting and everything felt right and I said yes. He put so much time and effort into it. However, it was done with a condition from myself, that we only told immediate family and maybe played it down with the kids, as I was concerned it was a bit too soon for them to get their heads around. He was sad and felt deflated but he understood and accepted it. - I realise now that was probably the start of our problems.

We got home after our holiday and to save some extra
Money he decided to take on another job in the evenings as well as his full time job during the week. Our daily schedule would be early start, he would do some cardio, I would get the kids ready for school, kiss goodbye, we would both go to work, I would finish work get the kids, he would finish work and go to the gym, he would get home and cook tea, quickly eat our teas together, he goes to work and I put the kids to bed, he gets back home for 9pm. I after a month, we both started thinking it was too much and we never seen each other, however I thought if he could just keep it up until after Christmas it would help pay for his court fees for his daughter and some extra presents.

I found out during this time that I was pregnant. We were absolutely delighted! He couldnít believe it and cried with joy. Iím starting to get on the outer limits in age for having babies, I thought it would take us a while but we were so happy it happened as quick.

So here goes, the three days that broke my heart in pieces. On the Sunday I started to bleed, went to hospital and was told I had lost the baby at 11 weeks. I was told to go home and lose the baby naturally. We were both devastated .

On the Monday I found a message on my phone through social media, from a woman who I did not know. She wrote to tell me my partner had cheated on me with her for one week, around 3 weeks earlier. I couldnít believe what I was reading so I called her up straight away. She told me they had met at a local pub, and they got chatting. He was telling her all about me and the kids and she was telling him about her cheating husband. They exchanged numbers because she was in a job that would come in handy for my business. She said she was surprised that she got a text the following afternoon from him saying he had a lovely evening. They met on his lunch break a few times from work and once more one night for 30 mins. He was planning on meeting her again at the pub on the following Friday but because me and my partner had fallen out, he didnít go. She said she was upset by this so he offered to call in to her house the next morning while I was out and spent 40 mins with her. She claims in this time they had sex. Then she claimed afterwards he stopped contacting her as much. He had Said he made a massive mistake, he loved me and just wanted to be with me. She wasnít happy about this and threatened to tell me, so he blocked her off everything so she couldnít communicate with him.

The following day I officially lost the baby in hospital because I needed to have a operation. All the while he was holding my hand and I felt like I was looking into the eyes of a total stranger.

This was over 6 months ago.
In the aftermath I threw him out. He begged me to go to counselling with him so I obliged just to hear what he had to say. He says most things she said was true apart from he didnít sleep with her. He said he went around because she was very drunk on that Friday night and started texting and calling, making threats. So he went around the next day to warn her off face to face. Admittedly when I spoke to her I did ask Her if he had any distinguishing marks on his body and she did not tell me about all his tattoos. I canít think how she wouldnít of seen them if they had you canít miss them. ... tbh Iím 50/50 on whether they did the deed or not.

He has been very remorseful, sad, shameful and begged me to try and forgive, and all the other things you would expect, He is now in IC as well as MC to try and figure out WHY he did what he did. He has never blamed me, only himself. He thinks it was just the attention he was after, that he felt Ďentitledí due to him being at the gym. The extra testosterone supplements made him feel Ď top dogí . Since this has happened he has not been back to the gym and says he doesnít care about it anymore.
He was very badly bullied as a kid and hasnít had any positive adult role models and the counsellor has pointed out his negative learnt behaviours. Heís agreed to work through these. Heís also confessed to having such low self esteem that he often tells small white lies to make himself sound better than he is or to make people feel better. He is addressing this in IC. The counsellor also believes fighting in court with this ex is something that would effect his mental stability at the time also.
He did say he felt deflated and unwanted when I said I didnít want to spread the news about the engagement, even though he understood, it hurt his pride.
He also said at the time he felt completely detached from
Me and my children, due to working extra hours and going to the gym.

To me they are all good reasons why someone would reach out and do things out of character but to cheat on someone you state you love, when youíve just got engaged and pregnant with your desperately wanted child ....., I just canít get it out my mind.
Since, he has moved back in and we are trying. We are no longer engaged and we are no longer pregnant. We can have most amazing days together and also have the worst. He takes everything I emotionally throw at him, heís doing everything he can to build my trust. He says he is working towards being a changed man for good, he will never ever do it again. He wants to get married to me one day and will prove his love.... I want to believe him but Iím just worried heís incapable of change and I will be here again in a few years.
Any positive stories about change? Will I be able to move on and be happy with him? Put it down as a major blip and look back in years to come and be happy I gave him a second chance?
Sorry for the long post :)

The1stWife posted 1/20/2020 06:21 AM

My H was walking out the door - divorcing me - to be with the OW.

At the last possible second he woke up and saw the mistakes he made. He begged for another chance etc

I could see the immediate changes he was making. It was amazing to me that he found he so committed. Itís been 6 years. We have happily reconciled. His changes were permanent - not just something he did temporarily to smooth things over.

Only time will tell but you will know after a few months if he is sincere about his commitment. He sounds like he has a number of issues to address and heís committed to working on them.

Cooley2here posted 1/20/2020 06:41 AM

Why do committed people go to pubs and hook up? This is the behavior of an unattached 20 something. It is not the behavior of a grown man with responsibilities. In the future if you decide to marry him get yourself a good lawyer and get a prenup. You do not want to be married to a man who already has cheater tattooed somewhere on his body unless you are protected financially.

Nothappy1980 posted 1/20/2020 08:16 AM

Thank you The1stWife for your reply, it does give me hope that he may be able change and also gives me hope that I can forgive. Itís a horrible feeling when your having such a good time and then boom the memory is back of what has happened and it just makes me feel so sad that he was capable of doing that to me.... I guess Iím in the early stages of getting over the actual betrayal. The thought of him being near that woman, talking to her and whatever else happened makes me feel sick to my stomach. I donít think I will ever understand it at that stage in our relationship. How did you overcome the betrayal if you donít mind my asking? What helped? At what point did you start believing in him again?

Cooley2here, thank you for your response. I would never go into a marriage without a prenuptial agreement anyway, as everything I have worked so hard for, is for the benefit of my children. If we did ever get to that point again in our relationship where we were going to marry... the prenup would be water tight
In regards to going to pubs, I completely agree with what your saying. I often go out with my girl friends for a meal and drinks or I would go out with my partner. In our entire relationship my partner has only been out with me or twice with his work colleagues for xmas night out. He actually only went out for a few bottles of lager and to watch a band play, by himself! I couldnít go as I was watching the kids, I thought there was no harm in it. He sat and spoke to some neighbours and then he must have been introduced to this woman. I cannot understand how he let it progress for that one week? He cannot give me answers apart from what I said above, that he enjoyed the attention and it went too far.
Iím hoping that the work with the counsellorís will give him insight into his personality and help us both get past it... however the other part worries that I will be made a fool
Of in the future. I love him so much, as do my children but Iím not sure I believe he can change. It was refreshing to hear from The1stWife

nekonamida posted 1/20/2020 12:12 PM

Nothappy, unfortunately cheaters lie. Ask yourself, does his story make sense from what he admits is true? Why did he keep going to see her in person if he didn't want to make it physical? Why was he the one to reach out first if he knew he was crossing a line? He knew it was wrong even from the very first text he sent her otherwise he would have told you about her right after he met her.

There are plenty of happily R'd couples here but unfortunately, there's also a lot of couples who experiences cheating before the marriage, worked through it, and got cheated on again. If he is telling the truth, he is doing everything right. If he is not telling the truth, it doesn't matter how remorseful he seems. Remorse is about putting you first and still lying to you is the complete opposite of remorse. Without remorse, there's a high likelihood of him doing this to you again. And really, R is HARD. It's especially hard when your partner cheats when everything is good and on the up and up.

Your best bet right now is to make sure you have full transparency - access to his phone, emails, social media, passwords, etc. and to try and determine if you have the truth or not. Ask him if you can run a data recovery program on his phone to get some of those text messages back. Compare a phone log to his story - does it add up or did he contact her much more than he said he did? Check his past Google location history to see if that matches up. And if he has wiped everything clean, consider asking him to take a polygraph test. He should jump at the chance to help restore your trust in him and prove that the OW was lying about sex.

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