Hi I’m new here but I’ve been lurking since I found out about my partners affair. I am just so confused about so much, I thought actually writing on here might make things a little clearer for me.
So a brief story.
We met over 3 years ago. I felt like we completely connected straight away. I have been married before and unfortunately by the end of the marriage we both walked away amicably as we had fallen out of love :(
The love I share with my current partner, I have never felt before. He is so kind and caring and always gives up his time without me even asking, he equally wants to be with me and my children as much as we want to be with him.. We laugh, have so much fun and he’s always been there for me when I’ve needed him. We also have an amazing physical and emotion connection too. We would socialise with friends and they were all so happy for me, as my family was too. He constantly tells me he loves me everyday.
Although we have all these amazing things going on we have also had hard times too. I have had to try and navigate my divorce and help the kids come to terms with that. He had left one job and started a whole new job which was stressful for him. However the worst thing was that he had frequent access to his daughter when we met. I’ve spent many happy times with his daughter. However his ex had grown increasingly difficult and stopped him from seeing her. They are currently battling it out in court. This has been hugely upsetting and stressful for him and has naturally strained the relationship at times.
He moved into my house around 9 months after dating and he contributes as much as he can towards the bill etc. I am financially independent and do not need him in my life for anything other than companionship. He would struggle to rent somewhere and pay his bills but he would have just enough to do it, so again I’m hoping he’s with me for the right reasons.
We went on a family holiday at the end of the last summer and on one night my parents had the children he proposed, it was the most romantic setting and everything felt right and I said yes. He put so much time and effort into it. However, it was done with a condition from myself, that we only told immediate family and maybe played it down with the kids, as I was concerned it was a bit too soon for them to get their heads around. He was sad and felt deflated but he understood and accepted it. - I realise now that was probably the start of our problems.
We got home after our holiday and to save some extra
Money he decided to take on another job in the evenings as well as his full time job during the week. Our daily schedule would be early start, he would do some cardio, I would get the kids ready for school, kiss goodbye, we would both go to work, I would finish work get the kids, he would finish work and go to the gym, he would get home and cook tea, quickly eat our teas together, he goes to work and I put the kids to bed, he gets back home for 9pm. I after a month, we both started thinking it was too much and we never seen each other, however I thought if he could just keep it up until after Christmas it would help pay for his court fees for his daughter and some extra presents.
I found out during this time that I was pregnant. We were absolutely delighted! He couldn’t believe it and cried with joy. I’m starting to get on the outer limits in age for having babies, I thought it would take us a while but we were so happy it happened as quick.
So here goes, the three days that broke my heart in pieces. On the Sunday I started to bleed, went to hospital and was told I had lost the baby at 11 weeks. I was told to go home and lose the baby naturally. We were both devastated .
On the Monday I found a message on my phone through social media, from a woman who I did not know. She wrote to tell me my partner had cheated on me with her for one week, around 3 weeks earlier. I couldn’t believe what I was reading so I called her up straight away. She told me they had met at a local pub, and they got chatting. He was telling her all about me and the kids and she was telling him about her cheating husband. They exchanged numbers because she was in a job that would come in handy for my business. She said she was surprised that she got a text the following afternoon from him saying he had a lovely evening. They met on his lunch break a few times from work and once more one night for 30 mins. He was planning on meeting her again at the pub on the following Friday but because me and my partner had fallen out, he didn’t go. She said she was upset by this so he offered to call in to her house the next morning while I was out and spent 40 mins with her. She claims in this time they had sex. Then she claimed afterwards he stopped contacting her as much. He had Said he made a massive mistake, he loved me and just wanted to be with me. She wasn’t happy about this and threatened to tell me, so he blocked her off everything so she couldn’t communicate with him.
The following day I officially lost the baby in hospital because I needed to have a operation. All the while he was holding my hand and I felt like I was looking into the eyes of a total stranger.
This was over 6 months ago.
In the aftermath I threw him out. He begged me to go to counselling with him so I obliged just to hear what he had to say. He says most things she said was true apart from he didn’t sleep with her. He said he went around because she was very drunk on that Friday night and started texting and calling, making threats. So he went around the next day to warn her off face to face. Admittedly when I spoke to her I did ask Her if he had any distinguishing marks on his body and she did not tell me about all his tattoos. I can’t think how she wouldn’t of seen them if they had sex.as you can’t miss them. ... tbh I’m 50/50 on whether they did the deed or not.
He has been very remorseful, sad, shameful and begged me to try and forgive, and all the other things you would expect, He is now in IC as well as MC to try and figure out WHY he did what he did. He has never blamed me, only himself. He thinks it was just the attention he was after, that he felt ‘entitled’ due to him being at the gym. The extra testosterone supplements made him feel ‘ top dog’ . Since this has happened he has not been back to the gym and says he doesn’t care about it anymore.
He was very badly bullied as a kid and hasn’t had any positive adult role models and the counsellor has pointed out his negative learnt behaviours. He’s agreed to work through these. He’s also confessed to having such low self esteem that he often tells small white lies to make himself sound better than he is or to make people feel better. He is addressing this in IC. The counsellor also believes fighting in court with this ex is something that would effect his mental stability at the time also.
He did say he felt deflated and unwanted when I said I didn’t want to spread the news about the engagement, even though he understood, it hurt his pride.
He also said at the time he felt completely detached from
Me and my children, due to working extra hours and going to the gym.
To me they are all good reasons why someone would reach out and do things out of character but to cheat on someone you state you love, when you’ve just got engaged and pregnant with your desperately wanted child ....., I just can’t get it out my mind.
Since, he has moved back in and we are trying. We are no longer engaged and we are no longer pregnant. We can have most amazing days together and also have the worst. He takes everything I emotionally throw at him, he’s doing everything he can to build my trust. He says he is working towards being a changed man for good, he will never ever do it again. He wants to get married to me one day and will prove his love.... I want to believe him but I’m just worried he’s incapable of change and I will be here again in a few years.
Any positive stories about change? Will I be able to move on and be happy with him? Put it down as a major blip and look back in years to come and be happy I gave him a second chance?
Sorry for the long post :)