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After 27 years, she is love of his life

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gettingfierce posted 1/20/2020 12:09 PM

First of all, thank you to everyone who shares their stories and words of wisdom. This site has been a source of comfort and helped me not feel so alone in the past month. I'm finally ready to share my story and seek your advice. I've been with my WH since I was 17. Supposedly we were each other's firsts and onlys. We've been married for 27 years. Last spring, I found out about what I believed to be the first affair by seeing texts on his phone. He denied when confronted but then admitted he'd been seeing her for a couple of months. She was a cashier at a store we frequented. He said he had to leave home for a few days to think things over. After a week, he came back and said he wanted to work on our marriage. Wish I would have found this site then. We began MC. Counselor pushed After the Affair which I tried to follow. I owned up that I could have been a better wife and took him for granted. I hoped we could work on our communication and reconnect. In the past few years, WH has been getting into shape, dressing better, and I "haven't kept up" as he said. He was annoyed that I was an introvert while he's an extrovert, so we began being more social. We began exercising together, having better sex, and refinanced our house to work on a remodeling project. I thought we had turned a corner and were in this for the long haul. Fast forward to the 2nd Dday on December 5, 2019. I overheard him on the phone telling a different OW that he can't stop thinking about her. I confronted him again. After initial denials, he said that yes there is someone else. This time, he said he thought he was in love. He was waiting until the holidays were over to tell me. He thought he was going to leave me but hadn't totally made up his mind then. With every passing day, he seemed to be more sure. With her, he has passion. He's not sure he was ever in love with me or we ever had any passion. He loves me but he's not in love with me. Here's the kicker: he said that he first met her 4 years ago when he was away on a work trip. They had fallen in love at first sight and had instant chemistry. He said he'd never felt anything like it. She wanted him to leave me then, but he said no. This past September, she reached out to him after breaking it off with a boyfriend. I'm realizing now that he never gave us an honest chance to work on our relationship after the first Dday. He always kept her as a contact on social media. Like last time, he went away for a week to think things over. I told him I wasn't sure I could take him back this time even if he wanted to come back. When he was away, he spent the week with the POSOW. He came back and said he wanted a divorce. He moved out and is living with her now. Some of his stuff is still at our home, and he left me with a huge mess of a half-finished remodel. We told our 24 year old DD after the new year. She is barely speaking to him now although he texts her everyday. He has posted on social media that he's in a relationship and has posted pictures of them together. POSOW has even posted pictures of them from 4 years ago. WH told me that he's had "more than 2 affairs" but he won't tell me how many or how long ago they started. I'm at the lowest point of my life. I lost my mom unexpectedly a little over a year ago, and I've been helping my dad go through her things and try to move on. Guessing WH felt neglected. I don't know how this could have all been under my nose, and I didn't know it. I'm so jealous to read about all of the other people here who have WH who want to rebuild their marriages. The rational side of myself tells me that I shouldn't want him back after what he's done, but there's another side of me that wishes he'd walk back in that door and tell me this was all some terrible nightmare or mistake. My entire adult life has been with him. I'm grieving the past, present, and future I envisioned. I've never lived alone. He is eager to move on. He is so done with me. His friends post on FB to say he looks happier than they've ever seen him. He looks the way he used to look at me so many years ago. He is ready to move forward with legal proceedings and wants me to talk to a mediator he found. He wants half of everything, even though he tells me that she's so rich that she doesn't want him to work. I'm finding it hard to get out of bed. I'm going to work and doing the things I absolutely have to do, but then I fall apart when I get home. I'm barely holding it together, so I'm not sure I have it in me right now to move forward with everything I have to do. I'm seeing the same MC we saw for IC every few weeks but wondering if I should find someone else. I'm guessing I should contact a lawyer, open a new bank account, etc. I don't know if I want to stay in the house. How do I find the motivation to move on, make decisions, and take care of myself? How do I let him go?

Evermore posted 1/20/2020 12:18 PM

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Mediation during recovery is too challenging, get an attorney and let the advocate for you.

Stay off social media. This will only hurt you more. You need to not purposefully hurt yourself this way.

You will get through this. Take care of yourself.

Wishing you peace

pureheartkit posted 1/20/2020 12:44 PM

That strutting rooster! The arrogance!

Get a lawyer today. He's not going to be nice at all. He's picked his path and so now you must protect yourself. Bragging about OW....really low!

ChamomileTea posted 1/20/2020 12:52 PM

I love your user name, GettingFierce, and I'm sorry you had to join us, but it's a good place for support.

First off... lawyer up. Seriously. The walk-away spouse always wants to mediate and ease their way out, but they're looking out for their own best interests, not yours. Interview several attorneys and hire the one you think will fight to get you the best settlement possible. It's probably okay to move half the money if you think your WH might do something with it, but it's better if you get legal advice before doing it.

Get STD testing. This guy has been cheating on you for a long time. We all know how uncomfortable it is, but doctors are used to it and they're professional about it.

If you're not getting much support from your current IC, find one who specializes in trauma, preferably one who is trained in EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing). EMDR can be very helpful in overcoming painful triggers.

Go NC (no contact) as much as possible with your WH. It's hard, but it's healing. Limit interactions to email when possible so as to provide a "paper trail" for your attorney. Stop following his social media. Don't allow friends to become flying monkeys.

Read through a copy of The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. She does a really great job of explaining how our body and mind are connected and how trauma affects both. She's also got a few rudimentary tools in her bag to start breaking through the enmeshment.

((big hugs)) I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you're going to be okay.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 12:52 PM, January 20th (Monday)]

LLXC posted 1/20/2020 12:53 PM

I am so so sorry.

You need a lawyer. A mefiator is for an amicable divorce, or at least one where the spouses are looking out for each other. Your husband is a lying piece of shit. Get an excellent attorney.

I wanted so badly for my ex to come to me and apologize. I get it. Yeah, it hurts when we read posts by people whose cheating husbands beg to stay.

It will never happen. He is not sorry. Once you emotionally accept that he is not sorry, it bets easier. It does hurt fpr a lpmg time and i am so sorry

Nothappy1980 posted 1/20/2020 13:00 PM

I am so sorry your husband has done this to you, it’s heartbreaking to read about the pain you are suffering. I to have felt this pain over the last four months as most other people on here have done. It can get so bad at times and you wonder how you will ever get past it. However, you will, minute by minute, day by day. Until days will pass and you realise you haven’t thought about it... those are the best days.

Try and remain strong by not torturing yourself with looking at social media, the only person your upsetting is yourself. I blocked the OW and it has helped greatly.
Set mini goals to get you through the day. Maybe try and focus a little bit on the positives, there won’t be many at the minute but they are there. In time you will see how much more free time you have to spend on yourself, new hobbies, meeting new people, new experiences etc. It all sounds daunting but, one day in the future, it will feel great.

Take care of yourself most importantly x

ohsospecial posted 1/20/2020 13:32 PM

I agree with others: no mediation. Get a lawyer who works for YOU, not for your husband or “the amicable” split. Since it appears you have no children at home, I wouldn’t worry a bit about NOT being amicable. The lawyer may be able to refer you to a financial consultant to figure out what is in YOUR best interests.

What also strikes me is the recent loss of your mother. This is bound to be contributing to your depression. Losing my mother was shockingly difficult for me. I had to get on antidepressants to survive, and go back to an IC. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with two life-altering losses.

Here’s a big cyber-hug, and a few tears shed on your behalf, while I recall my own mom.

annb posted 1/20/2020 13:38 PM

So sorry!

Agree with the others. Meet with several shark attorneys in your area.

You cannot play nice with your husband, he's living in a fantasy right now and understand you are the enemy.

gettingfierce posted 1/20/2020 13:44 PM

Thank you, all, for your swift advice to lawyer up. You gave me the push I needed to make that call. I have an appointment with a lawyer who was recommended by 2 friends. I spoke with him briefly by phone to learn what I need to gather for that meeting in 2 weeks when he returns from vacation. My WH has been pressuring me to talk with him about how we're going to split everything up. Should I try to talk with him before I meet with the lawyer to get a heads up about what he wants to do, or should I wait until I've met with the lawyer?

My husband was STD tested after the 1st Dday, and my doctor said I wouldn't need to be tested if his was fine which it thankfully was. WH says we didn't have sex after he had said sex with the latest POSOW, but I guess I can't trust anything anymore. Add this to my list.

Hoping that one day I can accept all of this and move on. Thank you for the reminders about self care and taking one step at a time. I will investigate other possible counselors for IC. I never heard of EMDR or the book you mentioned, chamomile tea, but I will check them out.

My username, getting fierce, is something I'm trying to identify with and manifest into reality. My amazing DD keeps reminding me that we are fierce and can overcome this. Even though she's 24, I still feel like I should be the mom and be strong for her. I want to help her through the pain she's going through, and she's trying to help me. We're going to hold each other up through this shitstorm. On the night WH and I told her, she and I went to pick up some wine and pizza. In the car, she said we needed a little Lizzo to get through this, and she played "Good As Hell" for me. Did I mention that my DD is incredibly strong and wise beyond her years? So, now, those are my two mantras: getting fierce and good as hell.

Supernova65 posted 1/20/2020 14:00 PM

What a piece of work this lying toe rag is. I hope you get in touch with your rage soon to spur you on to teaching him a lesson. He needs to be brought to task for his despicable behaviour and realise there are consequences for his actions. Wishing you endless strength and resilience. You go fierce warrior!

sorryforeverythi posted 1/20/2020 14:06 PM

Hi Fierce,
Sorry that you are going through this an any thoughts I have to share will be redundant but here is my take.

Get a lawyer now, two weeks is too long, go find one and get someone on your side immediately.

Find a therapist and start talking to them.

I know it's overwhelming but you need to decide what you want to do. There are some great article in the healing library, read them all. You seem to be holding out hope, that is your choice. I am firmly in the camp that betrayal is the worst of all sins and you should move on, he doesn't deserve you.

Make a list, sit down and write out what needs to happen to end things, make it as detailed as possible, once finished, put in a sad movie and cry your eyes out and go to bed.

When you wake up start working on the list.

Whatever crap he said to you is a lie, both good and bad. I don't know if I believe in the affair fog but I believe in the "golden moment" Fitzgerald talks about it Gatsby, its the honey moon of a new relationship, everything is perfect, you don't crap, there are no dirty dishes in the sink, you are madly, deeply in love, we all had it at the beginning of our relationships, its been replaced by real love. The WS/AP don't understand it and think it should always be rainbows and unicorns, they think the giddiness of the golden moment should last the entirety of the relationship.

It will end because our bodies can't live like that forever. When it ends he might want you back or he might not.

That doesn't matter.

I sat down and wrote out all the things my exe would need to do to even have a chance of regaining my trust. The list ended up being my job to watch her constantly and hover over her to make sure she stayed true. Not something I want to do and not something she probably would tolerate.

He chose to cheat, he did it numerous times and he is showing you how little he cares about you.

When someone shows you who they really are trust them.

You miss the fantasy of him, I miss the fantasy of her, but it's not real. Reality is what you are living with right now, accept that and figure out what you want to do.

I did the math and based on some generous assumptions there are 287,000 people in the world that would be perfect for you, go find one of them and let this loser go.

He will end up alone and miserable with the choices he is making. Don't drag yourself down with him.

[This message edited by sorryforeverythi at 2:08 PM, January 20th (Monday)]

ChamomileTea posted 1/20/2020 14:07 PM

Your DD sounds awesome. Mine is close to that age too. They can be such a blessing, not only for the love we share with them, but for the reminder that we're still an important role model. It's as you said, strengthening.

My WH has been pressuring me to talk with him about how we're going to split everything up. Should I try to talk with him before I meet with the lawyer to get a heads up about what he wants to do, or should I wait until I've met with the lawyer?

I wouldn't be "talking" to him at all right now. I'd give him an email where he can send messages regarding financial concerns. I'd respond to things which need timely answers. But someone who sticks a knife in your back doesn't deserve open access to chat you up like nothing happened.

Your best bet is to tell him to email you whatever plan his peanut-sized brain has manifested and that you'll get back to him in a couple of weeks. Of course, you leave out any incendiary verbiage and fob him off with whatever excuse you need to on the timeline; busy at work, can't reach the knife in your back, making quilts for homeless people, whatever. Your obligation to honest communication with him went out the door with his perfidy. So, feel free to make up an excuse or to not answer at all.

Notmine posted 1/20/2020 14:56 PM

Do not discuss marital assets until you speak with your lawyer.

I wouldn't be "talking" to him at all right now. I'd give him an email where he can send messages regarding financial concerns. I'd respond to things which need timely answers. But someone who sticks a knife in your back doesn't deserve open access to chat you up like nothing happened.

^^^^^^This^^^^^^

Iwantmyglasses posted 1/20/2020 17:28 PM

You know what? I know it doesn’t feel like it now. He just did you the biggest favor in the world. I have seen so many men like him. He is going to fall so hard on his ass.

Right now you are young enough to do all the things you have wanted to. Travel, go live abroad, cruises, remodels, and so forth.

Do not take the house in exchange for retirement. There is a great website. I cannot give you a link. Please find it and go empower yourself. It’s financial planning for divorce. There is a handbook you can register for. You will learn so much by reading this website to prepare for your future.

(Mods I am not spamming)

You also want his retirement awarded to you k. A qdro document. Make sure your lawyer has someone to prepare these.

I think since he is a serial cheater—assets have been spent on his interests.

I know this is hard. Please put your emotions on the back burner. This is a fight for your financial future. This is a long term marriage—you could be eligible for lifetime alimony.

I cannot wait to see how his tune will change once he realize how much this divorce will cost him.

Go into this with self protection as your only goal. The emotions can be sorted once your financial future is secured.

The1stWife posted 1/20/2020 18:17 PM

Do not talk to him about anything - especially anything financially related.

If you live in a state where you can sue the OW for alienation of affection, please do. Drag her then the mud if she’s that rich.

Block him on all fronts - phone, email, texts etc. ghost him ASAP.

Those are the beginning steps - before talking to a lawyer.

Have him served. Don’t warn him. Do not use a mediator he suggests. You get your own lawyer who will act in your best interest.

sorryforeverythi posted 1/20/2020 18:29 PM

Hi,
Sorry that you joined us, it sucks that we have gone through this, but welcome. I know what you are going through and I spend my days reading everything I can.

It helps and hurts but the name of you post is the only thing I will talk about. The others here can help you a lot more than I.

The love of my life, soulmate crap. That's all crap. At one point you were both of those to her. If you read about the affair fog, limerance, infatuation. It's all the same. I posted somewhere else that its the golden moment.

New is great, our brains flood our body with feel good chemicals that made your spouse giddy with excitement, its not real. It doesn't last.

Whatever you call it the rush of good feelings ends, sometimes in months, sometimes in years but at the end of it the puppy love has to change into mature real love or nothing. Most cheaters can't realize that real love is much better and prefer the high that puppy love brings.

That's why they jump. To feel that high school, butterflies in the stomach feeling.

It doesn't last.

He isn't the love of her life its another way to justify what she did because society feels doing it for love is the most important thing and oh if he's your soulmate to boot, sure you gotta cheat.

It's rubbish. I am firmly in the never reconcile, I am tainted because I am new to all of this, but imagine the rest of your life or at least the next few years being with someone you can't trust.

You will have to spend hours a week policing her, checking her socials and doubting everything she says.

That's not a relationship its a jail term for both of you.

Do yourself a favor and move on. No one deserves what happened to us. You deserve better.

[This message edited by sorryforeverythi at 6:30 PM, January 20th (Monday)]

TfromNY posted 1/20/2020 18:56 PM

So much to say! So much to feel when reading your post!
Welcome. You are cared for! Oh HOW I WISH I had this site when I was leaving my POS ex. I was so scared and vulnerable. Please continue to contemplate all the amazing advice you will receive. I walked away getting the serious bad end of the financial stick because mine was so manipulative and I just wanted out! But a couple of years later I told him “If you had divorced the woman I am now I would have taken you for every last cent” Though I still say freedom is priceless

How DARE those people congratulate a CHEATER on FB. But then.... they are HIS friends.

I know this hurts, you’re bewildered, bereft at moments even. But baby - as someone else said - this is your GIFT. To not be with someone who does not value YOU and values the wrong things. How proud you must be to have a daughter who sees through all his falsehoods. Let him have his mistress! He is the type of person who is never content. He will grow unhappy with her and their relationship began in poisonous soil. You will have a better, more authentic life. It will be hard. You must grieve. Allow others to tend to you. Allow your daughter to see you as a woman who is grieving (not just a mom in charge). Time will pass. You will become ANGRY!!! And you will begin to heal. We are here for you

Slowlygoingcrazy posted 1/20/2020 19:29 PM

He won’t tell you how many affairs or how long because it’s been going on the whole time. Think about it.

You did nothing to cause this. He’s a serial cheater and he’ll do it to the OW. They might be flaunting their life now, but it’s going to come crashing down eventually. They’re not special.

You need to fight and come out of this in the best position possible.

gettingfierce posted 1/20/2020 21:51 PM

Try and remain strong by not torturing yourself with looking at social media, the only person your upsetting is yourself.

Good advice. I'm actually not on social media, but well-meaning friends have shown me what's been posted on WH and OW accounts. Curiosity got the best of me, but I think I've seen more than enough.

It will never happen. He is not sorry. Once you emotionally accept that he is not sorry, it bets easier.

You're right. At best, he may have been regretful at one time but never remorseful.

Set mini goals to get you through the day. Maybe try and focus a little bit on the positives, there won’t be many at the minute but they are there.

This is helpful. Tonight, I went to yoga with one friend and dinner with another. Big steps for someone who hasn't gotten out of her pajamas for 3 days.

You miss the fantasy of him, I miss the fantasy of her, but it's not real. Reality is what you are living with right now, accept that and figure out what you want to do.

I do miss him, Lord help me. Trying to figure out how/when he changed into someone I don't recognize. I don't miss the person he's become, just the person I once thought he was.

Your best bet is to tell him to email you whatever plan his peanut-sized brain has manifested and that you'll get back to him in a couple of weeks.

Good idea. This should be on my timetable now, not his. I'm not going to be bullied into making quick decisions that I may regret later.

go empower yourself. It’s financial planning for divorce.

Thank you. I will do some homework on my options, especially before meeting with a lawyer. By the way, has anyone used EAP for legal advice? Since my appointment with the recommended lawyer isn't for 2 weeks, I will try to get some other free consultations in the meantime.

He is the type of person who is never content. He will grow unhappy with her and their relationship began in poisonous soil.

So true. He has changed jobs more times than I can count. I was always the stable one, and he was the life of the party and a renaissance man. I don't see how he and the OW can ever trust each other. I wonder which one will cheat on the other one first.

He won’t tell you how many affairs or how long because it’s been going on the whole time. Think about it.

When I asked him how many affairs, he said, "You don't want to know." I can't even.

What also strikes me is the recent loss of your mother. This is bound to be contributing to your depression.

I'm sure it is. I feel like I've been grieving for so long. WH said that he knew he hadn't been there for me like he should have after my mom died, but he had already "checked out." I have been on an antidepressant for a while, but perhaps I'll talk with my doctor if I continue to feel this way much longer. I keep trying to imagine what words of wisdom my mom would have for me now.

You need to fight and come out of this in the best position possible.

Thank you all for helping me gather the strength I need to fight for myself and my future. I've reread your words several times, and I'm deeply grateful for everyone's time and support.

Buffer posted 1/20/2020 22:35 PM

Hi GF,
Sorry you are here due to him, he is a pig 🐷 nothing more.
He doesn’t call the shots now, you do. Take your time to get the legal and financial advice needed to make the correct call for you. One day at a time. He has deliberately left you halfway through the renovation to put more pressure on you. Spend more time with DD, one day at a time. Look at IC for yourself. Don’t change your self unless you want to change. Exercise, eat healthy and drink shit loads of water. When he meets to sign the D papers he will be drooling with envy for you and what the idiot has given up for some POS fluff.
Cyber hugs
Buffer

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