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After 27 years, she is love of his life

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Dragonfly123 posted 1/21/2020 00:48 AM

You’ve had some fab advice I just wanted to chime in and send you some strength. Your WH is just a horrible human being. There’s def narcissism there.

Please go No contact with him and don’t share any of your plans financially. You don’t know him right now so treat him like a total stranger.

He’ll fall so hard, and he’ll deserve it.

You and your daughter are an amazing team. I’m sure you’re dragging each other along when the other weakens.

You’re doing brilliantly!

Cooley2here posted 1/21/2020 06:11 AM

He takes delight in hurting you. You are the mother of his child and he enjoys inflicting pain. That makes him a monster. It doesn’t take away your grief but it should make you angry. Use that anger to get every penny you deserve.

hopefullife posted 1/21/2020 06:57 AM

Gettingfierce, you will be fiercer when all of this is done. I'm sorry this happened to you, it aches on a very deep level cause it makes you question why you're so easy to discard. But know this, there's nothing wrong with you. You are not a throwaway, he is. You are strong and he is weak. No person who is strong enough will be tempted and destroy another person. I
know this, because I am walking the path.

There will be days you will grieve but there will also be better days. Take the grief, anger, and pain to help you become a better version of you. You can make it. We are here for you

Organic2003 posted 1/21/2020 10:46 AM

(((GF)))

I hesitate to post when there is a
BW as I am a BH.

The advice you are getting is sound. Normally I would be reading advice to men, that would include doing the 180 and taking care of yourself.

Please take care of yourself.

Drink water! Drowned yourself in glasses of water, it is proven to benefit the emotional part of your brain.

Exercise! I know it is hard to even get out of bed, but if you exercise it will help you. Join the local gym!?

Eat! There are too many story of hospital stays from malnourished and dehydration after betrayal. Even if you need to buy smoothies or simple prepared food, eat something.

Do not communicate your plans with your POS husband and work hard at YOUR financial future, do take everything you legally can. Let his POSGF have and pay for your sugerbaby husband. Lets see how that works out.

I am glad you have a great daughter (YOU RAISED) to lean on everyone needs a rock to lean on now and then.

God these betrayals suck. Remember you are the prize! ((()))

SlapNutsABingo posted 1/21/2020 13:38 PM

GF, I am so so very sorry for what this monster is putting you through. You stated that each of you were each others firsts, that hits me personally very hard. I can't imagine the pain you are experiencing right now....

How do I find the motivation to move on, make decisions, and take care of myself?

What support group do you have right now?

How do I let him go?

You don't have any control over that. You did NOTHING wrong. He has let you go.

gettingfierce posted 1/22/2020 22:57 PM

What support group do you have right now?

This site and all of you have been a tremendous support. You are all helping me see my worth and find my anger. Besides my daughter, I have my dad, brother, and some friends who are there for me. I'm trying not to speak too badly about her dad to my daughter; I think his actions speak for themselves.

My WH is putting some of our friends in an awkward position. He's now trying to reach out to some of them to get together with the OW and him. I don't think he has any idea how many people have lost respect for him, even if they may be too good-hearted to tell him. I've told our friends that I would never ask them to choose one of us, but I secretly hope they drop him like a hot potato. Most of the women in our friend group have reached out to me to say they are here for me, but some of them have totally ignored me like infidelity might be contagious.

Besides this online forum, have any of you found other groups, books, etc. that helped you get through this? Even with the love of family and friends and the support from this site, I'm just feeling so alone in the world. The hardest part of my day is coming home to an empty house. Any tips for combating this loneliness?

pearlamici posted 1/22/2020 23:24 PM

Search for local infidelity support groups near you. They might meet weekly/monthly.

Adlham posted 1/23/2020 00:56 AM

GettingFierce, I am sorry you are here.

"My husband was STD tested after the 1st Dday, and my doctor said I wouldn't need to be tested if his was fine which it thankfully was. WH says we didn't have sex after he had said sex with the latest POSOW, but I guess I can't trust anything anymore. Add this to my list."

I'm concerned about the above statement from one of your previous posts. Your doctor is wrong. I'm going to assume your doctor is a GP or an internal medicine doc rather than an ob/gyn. But if an ob/gun told you this, you need to find another one as soon as possible.

In particular, there is no test for HPV for men. And it does not always present with symptoms.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, as this is the last thing you need on top of everything else, but I have a degree in nursing and I would be remiss if I didn't let you know.

I'm so sorry.

dreamlife posted 1/23/2020 01:10 AM

Sending you strength and huge hugs!

keptmyword posted 1/23/2020 14:08 PM

First, and most importantly, none of his adultery or other shitty behavior is your fault.

His infidelity has nothing, zero, to do with you or your marriage.

His infidelity was not because of anything you did or did not do nor because of anything you said or did not say.

There is no problem, issue, or “rough-patch” in any marriage/relationship that renders an adult, married father incapable of knowing fundamental right from wrong.

He is very aware that he is being an inconceivably selfish asshole and is desperate to project the blame on someone else.

So, when he attempts to say he did this because of you or the marriage, tell him to take every single excuse he’s ever made and insert all of them back in his ass.

I mean it. Tell him this and say it with conviction, anger, and force.

You can because it is the truth.

Second, DO NOT talk to the mediator he has mentioned.

Simply tell him, in a cold, business-like manner, that your attorney will be in touch with his and that ANY AND ALL COMMUNICATION regarding the divorce will be via your attorney.

Let him know you will not have any further personal discussion with him regarding the divorce from here on out and to have a nice day.

Look, everyone here knows very well how you feel right now.

We know the fear, the disbelief, the shock, the despair, the anger, and the feeling of not wanting to get up to face another day of this shit and feeling this way.

Also, we all know that it WILL get better.

You WILL be ok - even though you feel, at the moment, that you will never get beyond it.

You will.

Honestly, it sounds like this POS of a “husband” has been dishonest with you and has been betraying you for quite a very long time.

Again, honestly, it seems like he is actually doing you a favor in extricating himself from your life.

He's like a tumor that has been in your body for years causing pain.

The surgery may be traumatic, but once the tumor has been removed, you will feel so much better after everything has healed.

I see you having a much better life without this POS that has been stabbing you in the back and disrespecting you and your daughter for years.

Third, stay the hell off any social media.

Let me state clearly, social media is pure shit - a medium made ideally for narcissistic, phony, douchebags to try to validate themselves by projecting their wannabe fantasy-world for the world to see and be in awe of.

Finally, your life, your value, your esteem, and your legacy are NOT defined by this man or your marriage to him.

Your life, value, esteem, and legacy are NOT defined by ANY man/woman or any relationship/marriage you had or will have.

Your life and legacy are defined by YOU authentically living the values, ideals, and principles that you believe in.

Your lying, backstabbing “husband” has defined himself - a man who willingly betrays trust, breaks the most sacred vows one ever makes in life, has destroyed his family, and destroyed the relationship with his child.

Who in the fuck would want a “man” like this to be their partner?

A worthless, POS girl that goes after POS married men who would destroy themselves for her, that’s who.

Get a fucking shark of an attorney and steamroll through this divorce.

A better life awaits beyond your “husbands” Jerry Springer shit-show.

Get yourself off his stage.


gettingfierce posted 1/23/2020 22:42 PM

Search for local infidelity support groups near you. They might meet weekly/monthly.

I appreciate the suggestion. I think some of the local churches may offer some groups.

In particular, there is no test for HPV for men. And it does not always present with symptoms.

Thank you for speaking up about this. It was my OB/GYN who told me I didn't need to be tested for STDs if my WH's testing was negative. My doctor did a Pap smear (maybe TMI - sorry) and said that's the only way he had to find HPV. Now, my doctor is retiring, so I will find a new one and ask again about testing.

Sending you strength and huge hugs!

(Thank you, and right back at you to everyone here.)

A better life awaits beyond your “husbands” Jerry Springer shit-show.

keptmyword, thank you for the straight talk and keeping me on the path. I'm doing my best to have NC until I speak with a lawyer. I'm still learning about mediation, but HELL NO I'm not using his mediator or anything else he tries to pressure me into. Sounds like I may be able to have my lawyer counsel me through mediation since it will be cheaper, but I'm sure I'll learn more about my options after my first meeting.

Since OW seems to live on social media and documents their every move, it's hard to escape hearing from friends who want to know if I've seen this or that. I think some of our mutual friends are tempted to unfollow him, but it's like they're slowing down to drive by and gawk at a car accident. I know I should tell them not to bring it up to me, but I am terribly curious. I keep trying to understand what he sees in her and what they have together that he thought was missing in our marriage. It crushes me to see him looking so damn happy like an absolute fool in love while I'm flailing around with a broken umbrella in the middle of a shitstorm.

ChamomileTea posted 1/23/2020 23:23 PM

I know I should tell them not to bring it up to me, but I am terribly curious. I keep trying to understand what he sees in her and what they have together that he thought was missing in our marriage. It crushes me to see him looking so damn happy like an absolute fool in love while I'm flailing around with a broken umbrella in the middle of a shitstorm.

We say around here that NC=No New Hurts. Your friends are well meaning, but every time NC is broken, it sets you back emotionally, kind of like applying a small leech to your already bleeding heart. It's okay to ask them to refrain, although hand to God... every single one of us KNOW how hard it is not to look. I'm in R, but at a certain point, my "checking" was so bad I had to put a rubber band around my wrist and snap it every time the urge struck. It's completely NORMAL to want to know everything, particularly when you've been married for a long time, because the trauma makes your whole life seem surreal.

Do read that book I recommended earlier... The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson.

((hugs))

Edie posted 1/24/2020 03:22 AM

I keep trying to understand what he sees in her and what they have together that he thought was missing in our marriage. It crushes me to see him looking so damn happy like an absolute fool in love while I'm flailing around with a broken umbrella in the middle of a shitstorm.

This is the mistake we all make initially. And you will need to work hard to get beyond this phase of thinking.

First of all, it is himself that he was rejecting, the aging self that he saw in the mirror. He needed to ‘renew’ himself by getting a new mirror, where he could see himself in her newness, a reflection of himself that he could feel better about because it comes laced with her ego stroking.

Secondly, cheating is clearly a habit with him. However, it is often something that can be a reaction to an impending sense of one’s own mortality if there has been a death in the family. Your mother’s death, and your attention on that, yes, may have given him, already a cheater, the self justification to go and cheat again. Instead of being a strong solid support to you, he thinks of his puny little ego and goes and does the thing that is of least support to you. What kind of partner is that? Only one that is entirely self-seeking, selfish, and probably highly narcissistic, with no empathy for others.

Thirdly, as others have said, there is a period of limerance, the honeymoon period, in every relationship, where the starry eyed can see no wrong in the other, where each are performing their seemingly best self. But really? A lying, cheating selfish toad is his best self? And that’s what she wants? Or rather all she feels she deserves? Please read the Honey, They Always Affair Down thread (I’ll bump it) and you begin to get a better sense of the dynamic at play.

Fourthly, her lonely abject ego will have been considerably boosted if she thinks she has managed to take a man away from his wife. Wow, she must be hot stuff right? Wrong, she is merely available, willing and ready to pour vapid adoring sweet nothings in an ear that mistakes them for the self respect he really needs to have worked on in himself. Because, far from it being a choice between two women, it’s been a choice between two men all along, the whole self- liking complete upright man versus the lying, cheating half man. He chose the wrong one. Try and see it as a choice that has liberated you. That’s hard but eventually you will see, by sifting through the silt, the nuggets of gold that are you and that how he does not deserve you, how he has never deserved your strength, integrity and loyalty. He could not stand in love, he had to let himself fall (in love), forsaking all sense of care for you and others.

Fifthly, this is why the 180 is key. Instead of focusing on him, suffering from the vicarious insight into what is presented on social media, do a complete volte face and focus entirely on yourself. You are so much more interesting, why waste any time on his behaviour, which is age old cliche and boring story of a cuckolding man scared of balding, paunches, and wrinkles. Use this as an opportunity to learn more about yourself, and how to carve out a new life that you’d like, with new activities, hobbies, exercise, taking interest in new causes or whatever. The 180 can be difficult to get into the habit of, but be very disciplined about it, and you will begin to feel better. Better about yourself and better about the future.

Good luck, keep posting, we’re here for you. 😊

Edited to add that as a cashier her earnings will not be great and so part of his attraction to her will be his pay packet, and the marital assets. She may well be the person pushing for the mediated approach, knowing that a lawyer will do their best to protect you from her burglary of your marriage and its assets, She stole your husband, and now you need a sharp lawyer to stop her thieving anything else from you. Please be very clear about this, there is nothing ‘fair’ in this situation. Get fierce indeed, become a tigress and protect what is yours and your daughter’s.

[This message edited by Edie at 4:02 AM, January 24th (Friday)]

MamaDragon posted 1/24/2020 13:46 PM

If his stuff is still at your house, box it up and put either in a storage facility - pay for one month and send him the key & bill or put it in your garage and give him XX days to come pick it up. See if your Dad and or Brother would be there for him to pick it up.

See a lawyer immediately, get a custody agreement with a morality clause. Why? so he cannot have the children overnight if he is not married to his AP - this is hard to enforce but it shows how serious you are. You also want to get child support asap. This puts a crimp in their extra curricular activities.

Make sure you pull all your financials - so you know what he is spending money on & if you are in a state that allows you to sue the AP for alienation of affection - DO IT. again you might not get much but it is the thought that counts

Don't talk to him at all, block him and her on all social media. Tell your friends that are gossiping that you don't care (even if you do), you don't want to discuss what he is doing etc. If they continue, change the subject or leave. The friends that have not reached out are either guilty of cheating themselves or aware of the affair. You don't need friends like this.

Be honest and upfront with your kids about what is going. They know more than you think and will assume the worse.

Finally, take care of yourself. Exercise, eat healthy, drink H20, surround yourself with folks that bolster your spirits. Find a hobby, something to take your mind off of your STBXH. I found 3 d puzzles really keep your mind occupied.

Jeannette88 posted 1/24/2020 15:18 PM

Gettingfierce: Your story is similar to mine in many respects. I am so sorry you are going through this. I KNOW how it feels! I am going through it right now. You are not alone. I am building up the courage to leave him. It's not easy after 31 years, but I don't want to waste any more years with someone who doesn't value me or love me like I deserve. You, my friend, deserve so much better! Move your money NOW. Get your own lawyer. Karma will take care of your husband and trust me, he will come back begging for you. I only pray that when he does, you have removed him from your heart and your thoughts. Someone dear to me sent me this message: "If you love someone, let him/her go. If he/she comes back is because no one else wanted him/her." You will be OK. I am four months after the first DDay and almost one month after the second DDay. Time helps you heal. You will have your moments, but you will get stronger and better as time passes by. This site is very helpful. We may just meet our next forever person here - one never knows! Keep your head up. He's not worth your tears.

gettingfierce posted 1/25/2020 19:27 PM

It's completely NORMAL to want to know everything, particularly when you've been married for a long time, because the trauma makes your whole life seem surreal.

It is hard to know what's real and what's a dream. Surreal is a good word for it. I don't want to keep revisiting the pain by looking at social media, but somehow I do think it helped me to see that this is really happening. Seeing them together on social media or replaying it in my mind forces me to see that he is not who I thought he was or the man I fell in love with.

What kind of partner is that? Only one that is entirely self-seeking, selfish, and probably highly narcissistic, with no empathy for others.

Truth. It hurts to look back and realize how little WH was there for me while I was grieving my mom. As I read more about narcissism, I'm checking a lot of boxes in my mind. I see now that so much of our life together was all about him. He's hiding from his own mortality with an embarrassingly huge midlife crisis.

Edited to add that as a cashier her earnings will not be great and so part of his attraction to her will be his pay packet, and the marital assets.

Actually, the cashier was Dday 1. The current POSOW is rich, retired, and doesn't want him to work. Yet, he tells me he needs the money from our house, so I have to sell it pronto and give him half.

Because, far from it being a choice between two women, it’s been a choice between two men all along, the whole self- liking complete upright man versus the lying, cheating half man. He chose the wrong one. Try and see it as a choice that has liberated you.

Fascinating. I'm trying to convince myself this is a blessing in disguise.

See a lawyer immediately, get a custody agreement with a morality clause. Why? so he cannot have the children overnight if he is not married to his AP - this is hard to enforce but it shows how serious you are. You also want to get child support asap. This puts a crimp in their extra curricular activities.

Make sure you pull all your financials - so you know what he is spending money on & if you are in a state that allows you to sue the AP for alienation of affection - DO IT. again you might not get much but it is the thought that counts

DD is out of college and living on her own now, so at least we don't have to worry about custody, child support, etc. That being said, we have still been helping her out a bit while she makes her way in the world - cell phone, car insurance, etc. Guess we'll have to talk that out.

I'm pulling all the financials I can right now to prep for meeting with the lawyer. Guessing I just need bank statements, a list of assets/debts, tax returns - anything else?

I don't want to waste any more years with someone who doesn't value me or love me like I deserve. You, my friend, deserve so much better!

I feel the same way. I miss him terribly and wish I could figure out where this went off the rails so I could make it right again, but knowing what I know now I could never be with him again. We do deserve better. One day, I hope to know what it's like to be with someone who genuinely loves me, not just himself.

sorryforeverythi posted 1/25/2020 19:38 PM

Hi,
It sounds like you have a good plan.

I feel the same way. I miss him terribly and wish I could figure out where this went off the rails so I could make it right again, but knowing what I know now I could never be with him again. We do deserve better. One day, I hope to know what it's like to be with someone who genuinely loves me, not just himself.

Do a hard look at the relationship. There is a lot of things that might have made the relationship not worth it from his mind, but don't go down the road of making this your fault.

The cheating is all on him.

Could you have been better, maybe, or maybe he just was a tuna salad with celery and you were a tuna salad without celery.

You will never understand why it happened but you can fix any failings that you didn't like about yourself.

With my relationship I boiled it down to, she stopped listening and I stopped talking.

There are a lot of small things that you can do in your future relationships based off of things that you could have done better in this one.

We are human, we aren't perfect. Your partner could have told you at any point that something you were doing was bothersome. He didn't.

We can all strive to be our best self but sometimes life gets in the way.

ChamomileTea posted 1/25/2020 22:46 PM

Yet, he tells me he needs the money from our house, so I have to sell it pronto and give him half.

You don't have to do a damned thing he tells you to... particularly not if it isn't in YOUR best interest. It's up to you to decide whether selling the house is something you want to do. If it's not, talk with your attorney and explore ways to keep it. If, on the other hand, you decide you no longer want the responsibility and upkeep, that too is on YOUR timetable, not his. That guy fired you from the job of giving a fuck what he thinks or what he wants. You serve YOU now... and it's good to be the Queen.

((hugs)) Practicality first. There's plenty of time to sort emotions later on.

Dragonfly123 posted 1/26/2020 05:25 AM

GF you asked a few lists up if there was anything else you could read... I found ‘leave a cheater, gain a life’ really helpful when I needed to lace up my bitch boots.

The1stWife posted 1/26/2020 08:50 AM

I’m sorry he is off and living with the OW so quickly. But (isn’t there always a but!) it could be the best thing for you.

One - he’s not openly cheating in front of your face and lying about it (BTDT). That is excruciating!!

Two - accelerates the bubble burst for the two star crossed lovers. He will stop living in fantasyland sooner because reality is going to smack him in the head. Very soon.

Now he may NEVER admit he made a mistake to you. Of course he may have to save face. But do not rule out his fantasy isn’t going to last. Especially when they start accusing each of other of cheating.

I can tell you my H was walking out the door on dday2. He walked in the door and demanded a D. We had just been to our first MC session only 3 days prior and he professed his undying love and commitment to the marriage. Apparently a phone call from the OW changed his mind.

So I told him in a very calm rational tone without yelling that I had no choice but I had to D him and we were done. Plan B was in execution mode at that moment. My plan was he was leaving the home, kids and I were staying and he was paying for it. I had hidden $ and enough to last one year if he never paid alimony or child support. I had a mediator lined up. I had an excellent counselor just for me.

Point is when he realized he had to leave he snapped out of the affair fog/fantasy. Not seeing his kids everyday woke him up. Financially drowning woke him up. Realizing how drastically his life would change woke him up.

Finally!!

I’m just saying it is possible your H may decide to come back. You need to be prepared for that. It’s not an easy road. It takes commitment in both parties. And forgiveness. And acceptance. And patience. And a boatload if work on his part to prove he really wants the marriage.

FWIW it sounds a bit like the OW is controlling. She doesn’t want him to work is a 🚩🚩🚩 to me. She wants him around 24/7 so she knows where he is. And who he is with and what he’s doing. Just give it time - the sparkle of her fabulousness will wear off.

Don’t be so quick to allow him to return home if that ends up happening. Make him work to show you his commitment to you. One night of tears and apologies don’t mean a darn thing IMIO.

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