My wife and I got married in 1999.
She comes from a background of divorce and has always seemed to hold that as an option. Whenever things got tough she would throw that out as Plan A.
As our marriage went on I found out more about her background. Divorce- her parents, her grandparents. Open Infidelity - her parents, her grandparents as well as other family members. As well as emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.
Fast Forward to 2004, my wife would always tell me how she would not care if I cheated on her. I did not like it, hit was hurtful. I was young and stupid and did not understand how complex this all was.
I told her on a car ride one night that I had a sexual encounter with our babysitter (which I did not) to show her she would be upset. (Stupid I know). After I got the reaction, I explained that it was not true, that I just did it to prove that she would care if I was unfaithful. It was a big fight, but it blew over and I though that was it.
She used this as a justification for starting and emotion affair on facebook with an old high school friend. That turned physical when she flew home for a visit. This was very hard emotionally for me. She blamed me for the affair and wanted a divorced, wanted to leave. I wanted to hold it together for our young daughter. I did not want her to have the same childhood as my wife. I love my daughter very much and would do anything to protect her.
To add emotional baggage around this time my wife got pregnant again. With the current status of the marriage I did not want to bring another child into the equation. My wife had an abortion. I did not "force" my wife to have an abortion. I told her at the end of the day it was her decision but I was not happy with bringing another child into the unstable situation. She went through with it but still resents me for it.
Instead of dealing with the affair I swept it under the rug, with the thought of "Just wait until your daughter goes to college". I became numb to my marriage and my wife. I see now this only made problems worse in the long run.
Fast forward to 2009
My wife claimed to be sexually assaulted by her supervisor at work. She got the police and company involved. No criminal action was taken and the Supervisor was fired from the company. Emotionally hard on both of us, got some details trickle truthed on me. Found out it was not just one time but multiple times. Aspects of the story did not add up to me. It feels like maybe another affair that went out of her control? With her background of being sexually assaulted as a child I think maybe she has some issues when responding appropriately when approached by men sexually, I don't know. I do know it felt wrong to push her and blame her if she was the victim. Again swept under the rug.
Fast forward to October 2019
Wife admitted to being in a 5 year long emotional affair that turn physical in 2019. Same type of scenario it was a co-worker that exposed himself. No sexual contact at the time, some how after that they became friends and things escalated.
This time I will not sweep it under the rug. I am going to deal with it.
I am trying R.
I understand all the baggage my wife has, she has work to do. She seems regretful sometimes remorseful. She has been forth coming with details, answered all my questions. Seems to have gone "No Contact". But there is so much water under the bridge now I don't know if we can "drain the swamp" so to speak.
I understand my role, in being distant and ignoring this behavior has lead me here. But just now after reading and hearing other's stories understand that her behavior is not my fault. The affairs are not my fault.
That is my story.
Currently going to an Infidelity Support group.
Reading, Learning, trying to improve myself.
Looking for an IC.
Any feedback would be appreciated.
[This message edited by cainsite at 3:11 PM, January 20th (Monday)]