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Should I give him a second chance

Samantha1999 posted 1/22/2020 09:28 AM

My partner and I have been together for 1 1/2 years. Hes 28 and im 21. In september i saw a an inexplicit text on his phone and i decided to ask him about it and he said it was a friend from florida, I decided not to go through the text because i was scared. On monday i went over to his place after work bc i was having a bad day and i needed a shoulder to cry on. I found him out side taking the dog out i huged him kissed him and went inside bc it was cold. I saw his phone on the kitchen counter and I had a feeling that i should go through his text bc a part of me still wandered if what he told me was true. I my insticts were right. He had been talking to and ex sex buddy for at least the last 4 months. He calims he felt discusting and a shamed about it the whole time. I asked him why and he said it was bc he started getting scared of how we started taking about moving in together. He has had an abusive childhood and a really bad realationship in the past. But i cant excuse this behavior. I don't even sure if this is the only girl. He claims that it is but its just hard to beileve at this point. He says hes willing to change and work hard to get me back. He says that he is willing to work on his trust issues and work hard to overcome any childhood truma. But at this point im not even sure if i should give him another chance. Hes the first guy i have ever been with. Our realtionship did start on a patchy start bc i was 19 at the time that we meet and starting dating. I couldnt belive that a guy like him would date somone like me. I was never chosen for anything all my life. I lived in the shadows But this one person was able to spot me out and i have always felt like i wasn't good enough and that he would go and find somone else. Im sorry for this post being all over the place the scares are just to recent that my head just keeps going in circles. at the momment i have cut contact with him bc i need time to think things over and choose weather or not to give him a second chance. I want to give our realtionship another chance but im just scared of getting hurt again.

Since I came on here I have gone talked to my therapist and I have told important ppl in my life about what happened. Everyone I told, had told me to take space to heal and not to make a decision right away, bc I didn't what to do anything I'd regret it. Since Monday night I have talked to him over the phone twice, the first time just discussing that I didn't want to talk to him and that I needed space, the second time my therapist suggested that I talk to him bc I had so many questions and they were driving me crazy not asking him. He cried the whole time (which I have never seen/heard him cry) so I don't know if it's all an act. We discussed a lot I asked him if we would be willing to what I asked him in order for me to consider having him back into my life. I have asked him to get rid of all his socials, which I know was hard on for him, I asked him to end contact with any girls but one specific person. I told him if he was willing not to have sex for a LOOOONG time. There was more but our conversation was very long. He told me how sorry he was, I didn't expect the apology. I have also asked him that I would also like to go to therapy with him, I would like to go to his therapy sessions to better understand his childhood and maybe mine in order to grow better at communicating. I did tell him that doing all these things for does not mean ill stay, but that as long as he never stops fighting for me in our relationship hell has a chance. As of now, I am considering giving him another chance but I am still giving my self-time to think about it. After therapy and a great outing with my BFF, I have felt a lot better, but I know that it could change at any moment. I have not given him a timeline and i have not given my self one bc that would just bring me anxiety if I don't have an answer by the time I said i would. I have been given a lot of advice and a thank everyone on the platform for taking their time to write a response. I hope to update you all soon, I just hope I don't make a mistake.

[This message edited by Samantha1999 at 11:55 AM, January 24th (Friday)]

Smillie posted 1/22/2020 10:15 AM

His reasons are irrelevant. All that matters is the he is a cheater and a relationship with him will be a huge gamble. In all honesty, anyone who starts to roll out a bunch of excuses for their behaviour is unlikely to change.

ChamomileTea posted 1/22/2020 10:24 AM

Never settle for a cheater. You're still really young and it sounds like you've got some self-esteem issues. But at the bottom line, EVERYONE deserves honesty in their relationship. I'm not saying that your boyfriend can't change, but you're right on the money that his excuses are bullshit.

Work on your boundaries, meaning.. what you're willing to tolerate out of a prospective partner. And slow things way, way down until you're sure. Remember, there ARE guys out there who are already honest and who already have enough integrity not to cheat. No matter how attractive you might find your boyfriend to be, he's not your last chance at love. Don't settle for less than you deserve.

The1stWife posted 1/22/2020 11:23 AM

Millions of people have rough childhoods. Yet they don’t cheat.

He was scared b/c the relationship was getting serious and moving fast? So he cheated? Sorry I am calling “bull” on this. He could have been an ADULT and discussed it with you.

But he chose to cheat. That is his “coping mechanism”.

Look to the future - will be cheat if he loses his job? Will he cheat if you have a child with medical issues? Will he cheat because he is financially unstable or living paycheck to paycheck?

He’s making excuses for his choice to cheat.

dblackstar2002 posted 1/22/2020 12:10 PM

There is an old saying, Giving a cheater a second chance. Is like giving a shooter a second bullet, Because the first one didn't kill you! Need I say more?????

Walkingthewire posted 1/22/2020 13:12 PM

No, you should walk away. There is someone out there who will not cheat on you.

I really feel like the childhood excuse is a cop out. Millions of people have terrible childhoods and don't cheat, drink, do drugs etc.

Walk away before it gets too serious (living together, babies, marriage, financial entanglement).

fooled13years posted 1/22/2020 14:33 PM

I am all for as many chances as it takes for certain things. My wife for example wanted to learn how to make a tight fitting dovetail joint. She tried and tried and tried again until she made a perfectly tight joint.

Fidelity however is, to me, another issue all together.

I asked him why and he said it was bc he started getting scared of how we started taking about moving in together

Giving him a chance to be a friend? Sure. But it is clear to me that he is not ready to commit to anyone including himself. I base this assumption on
He had been talking to and ex sex buddy for at least the last 4 months. He calims he felt discusting and a shamed about it the whole time

You are 21 and deserve to have an equal partner in a relationship.

He deserves to get the help he needs to overcome the things in his life.

Good luck.

redfish posted 1/22/2020 17:21 PM

So you saw this text last September and rugswept it until Monday January 20 of this year?

He says hes willing to change and work hard to get me back.

I would consider ending the relationship, move out and see how hard he works to get you back.

Or stay and say you forgive him but don't let him know you will watch everything he does. Keep a written password protected journal of how he Shows you who he is, good or bad. Use this time to casually probe his friends, family about past relationships. Did they involve cheating?

Give yourself a date in the future when you will decide if he is or isn't the one and stop the detective work.

Read some other stories on JFO of ways to watch him.
Edit to finish last sentence

[This message edited by redfish at 5:23 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

Marie2792 posted 1/23/2020 06:49 AM

I have a 26 year old daughter and a 22 year old son. If either of them was in this situation I would advise them to back out and move move on. You are young enough to meet the right person. One that doesn’t use poor coping mechanisms for stressors like moving in together. If his answer is to seek former partners out every time he has anxiety about something, you’re doomed before you even step it’ll the doorway.

redfish posted 1/23/2020 11:49 AM

I forgot to include this in my last post.
If the decision is made to R that he is clear on your boundaries and the consequence should he break them. Maybe it's obvious in your head but make sure it is clear in his head.

Stumblingon posted 1/23/2020 14:13 PM

Honestly Samantha1999 you deserve better. If he is behaving like this at this stage of your relationship then he is not a safe partner. You will meet someone new who will give you the love and respect you deserve. I am sorry your first relationship came to this. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal.

DBFool2019 posted 2/12/2020 07:19 AM

Sorry you're here Samantha,

He seems to be saying the right things at the moment, but make sure you judge him by his actions going forward, not his words.

Good luck!!

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