SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

Tigersrule77 posted 1/28/2020 10:25 AM

DoinBettr makes a good point. WS's should like at something like this and consider how hurt the person would have to be to go to these lengths.

I think as BS's we are shocked by how little our WS's show for our feelings. We make the assumption that they HAVE feelings for us and care how we would react. Often, WS's show NO consideration for AP's family and how the OBS will be affected. There should be no surprise when something like this happens. However, cainsite's WW is just another example of how broken some WS's are and what they will do to justify their actions.

squid posted 1/28/2020 12:42 PM

It sounds like your WW just doesn't get it. And so long as she thinks there's nothing inherently wrong with her then you're likely in store for many more fights. And probably D-days too.

thatbpguy posted 1/28/2020 12:51 PM

To me, many (but certainly not all) WS's have their wild time, get caught, and eventually have some remorse. But those are temporary feelings. Once that little time is over, they're fine and roaring to move on. But their poor damn BS has permanent injuries (physically and emotionally) and can't just move on. This is where most betrayers get off track in R.

whoami62 posted 1/28/2020 12:52 PM

I would have done that if it was an option , and if I was your wife, I would STFU and be glad that you didn't out her like the woman scorned by *Hannah*

yearsofpain25 posted 1/28/2020 13:55 PM

Just throwing this out there as food for thought. Something that not many people think of. The ripple effects from infidelity run far, wide, and deep. Pure speculation as I have no idea if “Hannah” has a spouse and kids or not. Can you imagine if you drove by a picture of your WS with your kids in the car and your kids had to see that? I bet none of the parties involved in that sitch thought of that.

Reminds me of something I had to deal with once upon a time. My brother had a very public suicide and the school was involved. There’s a lot to the story but upon seeking legal counsel, my parent’s lawyers quickly pointed out that a defense the school could use was to point out how “sick” our family was. At the top of this list was my mother’s affair. In fact it’s the very first thing that came up in that conversation. Lots of people knew about her affair. “Friends” and my aunt helped her with the affair. Very public. Before my parents could get anywhere their legal recourse was stopped dead in its tracks as soon as their legal counsel brought up the affair. Of course there’s more to it than that but I can tell you I was in the room and within the first 10 minutes the lawyers brought up the affair, any sort of legal recourse was over.

I suppose there already was a figurative billboard out there with my mom on it.

Infidelity runs far, wide, and deep. Infidelity and the actions around it can have repercussions that people can’t even think of. I wonder what Hannah’s kids thought when they passed that sign.

cainsite posted 1/28/2020 15:26 PM

Good reality check yearsofpain25.

Most of us here are just so angry and upset that we want to see all the cheaters burn.

But there is collateral damage and others to consider as well.

[This message edited by cainsite at 3:26 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

squid posted 1/28/2020 15:47 PM

But there is collateral damage and others to consider as well.

That sounds like code for "we're going to stay together for the kids". Which is a terrible idea. Trying to R with some who is neither remorseful or even capable of understanding the damage that they have done REPEATEDLY over the course of their marriage is beyond impossible.

From what you describe, you are trying to lead the R effort but she's pushing back at you at every step. She wants to control every aspect. This is a disastrous recipe.

On top of this, you are modeling to your kids what a marriage based on trust and healthy communication should look like. I think this model is broken. Can it be fixed? Sure. But only if both parties are 100% committed. I don't see that here.

cainsite posted 1/28/2020 17:11 PM

But there is collateral damage and others to consider as well.

I think you misunderstand me Squid.
I am not speaking of my own personal circumstances.

I'm am just saying as tempting as it maybe to burn a cheater, publicly humiliate them, cause them to lose their job, whatever.

There are other victims of their selfishness, their wife and kids that may also be unjustly caused hardship and humiliation through no fault of their own.

[This message edited by cainsite at 5:12 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

Newlifeisgreat posted 1/28/2020 17:26 PM

And who’s fault is it?

It is the cheaters! No one else’s!

Westway posted 1/28/2020 17:36 PM

Cainsite I would say, given your WW's attitude that you are not in reconciliation. I don't know what your current status is with your WW, but her attitude and values are for shit.

EmbraceTheChange posted 1/28/2020 17:47 PM

I posted on my husband's Facebook account that he had a girlfriend at work. If he was so proud to parade her around and believed everybody thought they were just "good friends", it was only right that everybody knew the truth.

I would have done a banner by the road too if I would not be so stingy, especially regarding spending money on the AP. I was not going to spend any money on advertising the AP to guys, she would have LOVED IT. More dudes after her, yay.

yearsofpain25 posted 1/28/2020 18:01 PM

Thanksgiving2016 posted 1/28/2020 18:53 PM

My WH’s married AP was open about cheating on her husband with her daughter who was ten when the affair started. It was a LTA and by the end the daughter was going on double dates with them while the betrayed husband was seemingly clueless. The BS shouldn’t hide the truth if they don’t want to. We all have hard lessons to learn in life. Finding out a parent is a cheater isn’t the BS’s problem. It’s sad the BS worries about all the collateral damage but the WS couldn’t care less until AFTER they are caught.

Simplicity posted 1/28/2020 19:11 PM

OMG! I WISH I COULD DO THIS WITHOUT IT BEING TRACED BACK TO ME!!! I WOULD PLASTER HER FACE ALL OVER NJ AND AZ!

ShatteredSakura posted 1/28/2020 19:14 PM

My WH’s married AP was open about cheating on her husband with her daughter who was ten when the affair started. It was a LTA and by the end the daughter was going on double dates with them while the betrayed husband was seemingly clueless.

Wow, that's...just plain evil right there.

I guess seeing a banner when you're the OBS isn't a good way for them to find out (or their kids). In some cases there can be lines that get crossed. In my case's AP involves no children and no OBS, which does color my thinking. I think he should be shamed in his community. Will he? Probably not.

beenthereinco posted 1/29/2020 08:55 AM

It was a LTA and by the end the daughter was going on double dates with them while the betrayed husband was seemingly clueless.

And she is now the most unmarriable young woman in America.

HarryD posted 1/29/2020 09:27 AM

People deal with cheating SO differently. If who ever put this has the evidence to back it up. That how they are dealing with it. Cheaters are all in that everyone are on there side , all will be great, nobody will get hurt fog

jtom posted 1/29/2020 12:43 PM

Cain, did you tell the OBS ?

SnowToArmPits posted 1/30/2020 19:56 PM

She said she would sue it that happened to her.
I told her it can only be slander or defamation if it was Not True. If this is true there is no recourse.

Weird that your wife would want to raise this with you. I bet she won't 'advocate for cheaters' again after you shut that shit down.

ShutterHappy posted 1/31/2020 02:55 AM

Have you considered putting a sign of your own, beside this one? You’ll be starting a new trend and by the end of the month, they’ll be 20 signs on that lawn.

Otherwise I agree with Westway. Your WW is not R material.