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W cheated, wants D and is trying to ruin my life

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Paul84 posted 1/29/2020 23:08 PM

The past 3 months have been the worst time of my life .
Married 5 yrs , 2 kids.
In October, W started lying out of nowhere , opening up credit cards and lying about it , inconsistent stories , strange behavior, etc .
She was also consuming alcohol more frequently than normal. I was concerned about her. I confronted her about it and she stone walled me for 3 days. I then called her father and her best friend . I said I was concerned about her drinking . 4 years ago she left a bar wasted and plowed into a car going 50 mph. Itís a miracle she and the other driver walked away unhurt. She was charged with DUI and spent 2 days in jail . I told her father and best friend I loved her and just want to help.

She considered this the ultimate betrayal . Instead of looking out for her , I was throwing her under the bus , spreading rumors about her , trying to make her look bad. She considered this so bad, she said she was filing for D.

After a while she said she didnít want to anymore . We went through the holidays fine.

Then she hit me with it .

Drunk on New Years , she says ďIíve been seeing my exĒ.

The pain I felt inside was indescribable . But I didnít show it . I knew she wanted me to show my pain but I just went to bed .
The next day she says she did meet with him . But says it was not sexual . She said they had been texting . She said they had been texting every once in a while for two years. This is her hS BF so at this point Iím pretty sure they are still in love.

From there I went right into the 180. She surrendered her phone . I went through it . She was like a CIA operative in covering her tracks . Unrecoverable iMessages. Gps locations deleted . FB messages masterfully deleted . Msgs to friends removed one by one so u canít recover the thread . His name stored under a womenís name . Phone apps unable to recover info . She put a lot of thought into not getting caught . What I did find on the phone was a message to my best friend which was basically a book on why I am a bad person .

She agreed to polygraph . Had full intentions of doing it and had picked a place . But I wanted to wait however and see how this played out first and if she was truly willing to R first . When it comes to the 180 I did everything but file the paperwork . I was dreading it .

Then the next week it went from bad to worse . She started picking fights, swearing around our Kids, doing things to get a rise out of me . Looking to get me to say something bad so she can have a reason to leave the marriage . Swearing around the kids was what did it for me . Late that night I told her I hated her . The next day she said thatís it , Iím filing for D. She often threatens me with D anytime there is a disagreement . She enjoys the control and power she has with having the option to pull the plug .

She is now gearing up to destroy my life . She refuses to share equal custody of the children. I try to be a great father and my record is nothing but parking tickets . She said if I do not agree to her parenting plan she will be going full force in court . I do not care about the money or attorney costs when it comes to my kids . I will be fighting for 50/50 custody no matter the cost . I know that now is the time to see an attorney . I was putting it off hoping things would change . But she has flat out refused couples counseling . I am dealing with a soon to be X with a tremendous ego and someone who will legit get sick satisfaction from watching me pack my bags and coming after me in court .

My W has physically abused me in the past . I have been beaten, scratched , spit on. I didnít call the police bc I didnít want to get her in trouble . The DUI is 3 years old now so Iím not sure how relevant it would be in a custody case . She has been prescribed anti depressants and has been on and off them for years (mostly off). I believe she is bipolar or manic .

Has anyone ever been in a D like this ? Iím so hurt right now . What are my chances at 50:50 custody ? Or even full custody ?

paboy posted 1/29/2020 23:33 PM

Right now the best advice is to carry a vcr around with you especially when you are at home, or anywhere else that you will be around her. You need to get one asap.

Not only to record any conversations between you, but as a protection against any abuse claims, because in your case, there is a high probability that she is going to pull this. Actually, very high.

Leave it turned on in your pocket.

[This message edited by paboy at 11:34 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

keptmyword posted 1/29/2020 23:37 PM

I wouldnít worry about not getting 50/50 custody.

Itís pretty much the standard these days.

She would have to somehow manage to convince the court judge that you are neglectful, abusive, or in some way a bad influence to your children and it sounds like she has no case whatsoever for any of that.

More likely, from what you describe, it is you that may have a case that would favor more custody for you based on her DUI/alcohol issues and being prescribed anti-depressants.

What I would strongly suggest is minimizing any time you spend with her and if you do have to be in her presence, make sure it is in a public place with people and video surveillance.

It is, unfortunately, not uncommon for false domestic abuse charges to be filed by an irrational person in order to attempt to get an advantage in a custody case.

All a woman has to do is simply make the claim and the husband will be arrested and placed in jail.

Keep a voice activated recorder on you at all times if you are around her.

Retain a very good attorney as quickly as you can so you know what your rights are and what you may be facing if it goes to court.

Donít engage her in any way if she is trying to goad you into an argument.

Simply walk away.

Mizzbak posted 1/29/2020 23:49 PM

I am so very sorry that you are here.

You need to see an attorney soonest. Get legal advice about how you can protect yourself and your children and effectively document your wife's abuse. Stick to that advice like glue. It sounds like your wife will mess up many times. Someone who is losing control like she is right now always will. And courts don't like any of that. Most important is that you don't rise to her bait - be as squeaky clean as possible.

I know that it's hard right now - everything seems so overwhelming and you just want everything to go back to "normal". But the marriage and family life that you are describing aren't normal. Your wife is abusive and unstable - and it is not your job to try and fix her. Stop trying to save your marriage, it isn't something that you can do by yourself. Your wife has shown you who she is. Start doing what you need to do to make life better for your kids and you. They need you so much right now. Your wife's behavior will speak for itself - no matter what she decides she wants, the courts will ultimately decide on custody and settlements.

What country/state are you in?

Buffer posted 1/29/2020 23:49 PM

Sorry you are here brother.
You have to look after #1 and that is you and the children.
There is a multitude of things to do, but first off is get legal advice from a few good lawyers, not just a cheep one.
Get medical checks for both STDs as well as STIs. She isnít to be believed that there was no physical side to her A. WW have a tendency to re write the marriage so anything bad is always another persons fault ie you.
Cancel all joint credit cards so she doesnít run up too much marriage debt. Close the joint checking accounts.
Her drinking isnít your fault, her actions are her own. Keep the children safe and exspose it to all as you cannot let a drunk take full care of the children in her drunken stupor.

Sorry for your pain, keep up the 180 see if you can be the primary care giver for the children, joint custody can be spoken about after a proven period of sobriety.


Thumos posted 1/29/2020 23:54 PM

She's got a DUI on her record and spent time in jail? I wouldn't worry too much on the custody front. I would start documenting every abusive word, her profanity in front of the kids and her drinking. Document any behavioral problems your kids are exhibiting because of this. Document how it has impacted her ability to be a responsible parent.

Also keep a VAR on your person at all times to prevent a fake DV charge against you.

She wants a divorce, she sounds like a completely dysfunctional wrecked self-absorbed NPD/BPD person.

So give her a divorce. File before she does and get the upper hand. It doesn't sound like there's much to salvage here and you're dealing with an unremorseful human being.

This0is0Fine posted 1/29/2020 23:56 PM

You need to get a restraining order on her. Tell the police why you fear her. Get ahead of this or she'll do it to you. This happened to my friend at work. I saw a lawyer purely to get the lay of the land. Buddy, you need a lawyer yesterday.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 11:59 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

ChamomileTea posted 1/30/2020 00:18 AM

This isn't like in your grandparent's day when divorced dads only saw the kids every other weekend. These days, more and more men are stepping into the parenting role, doing it well, and able to prove it in court. Your WW sounds like she's a basket case. That's going to hurt her over the long haul. So, get an attorney, go for either full custody or 50/50 (depending on whether her parenting is satisfactory or not), keep that VAR handy at all times, and make sure you're ALWAYS the adult in the room.

There's a technique called "gray rock" that will do you well if you utilize it. Look up "gray rock psychopath" online to find articles. In the meantime, start thinking about how you'd manage things if you were a single parent. Who would watch the kids while you work? Where would you live? The courts don't care about who did what. They care about who makes the BEST home for the children. Get with your attorney and start filling the bill for having the most stable and safe home life for your kids.

Marz posted 1/30/2020 00:57 AM

Youíre trying to play fair. She wonít

Better wake up to what youíre dealing with here.

See an attorney. You need knowledge. That will give you power.

Letting her off the hook for abuse will just get you more.

[This message edited by Marz at 12:59 AM, January 30th (Thursday)]

Freeme posted 1/30/2020 04:55 AM

I'd like to second and third the advice about carrying a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder) on you at all times and seeing a lawyer ASAP.
The VAR is because she is going off the rails quickly and could charge you with fake DV to get you out of the house, start rumors, and make the divorce easier on her. Also, do not hesitate to call the police if she is abusing you in anyway. You should not be sleeping in the same bed right now, you should be locking your BR door at night...

I believe seeing a lawyer will set your mind at ease considering everything she is threatening. It's hard to get more than %50 custody if the other parent is stable. Talk to the lawyer about her volatile behavior, drinking, and your worry about fake DV charges. Talk to him/her about moving money into your own account.

Talking to her family about her off behavior was a good thing do not think that it caused any of this.

Good luck

Tigersrule77 posted 1/30/2020 07:16 AM

I agree with the others. You need to find an attorney that can go hardcore. If you can afford a private investigator, invest the money. If you can prove she is having an A, do so. Even if you have been filed, most states consider this infidelity until the D is final.

Keep working to control your anger. The more you show self control and your WW loses hers, will show you are the stable person.

I don't know that one DUI will make a difference in custody arrangements, but the pattern of alcoholism certainly will. Document everything. Ask your lawyer about what things to focus on and how best to protect yourself.

I'm sorry you are going to have to go through a very rough period.

The1stWife posted 1/30/2020 11:28 AM

Cancel ALL joint credit cards. Get your name off all joint credit card accounts.

Put a freeze on your credit reports so no new credit can be accessed in your name. You need to protect yourself from a financial disaster due to her irresponsibility.

See a lawyer. Now! You donít have to file but you need to be prepared. She drinks. Does she drink and drive? Does she drink and drive with children in the car? You need to look into how you can limit that possibility (if it hasnít happened already).

Put your $ in your own name in a new bank account. ASAP. Donít let her spend it all frivolously.

Iím sorry for you. and your children. They need you to protect them. And you will survive this. We all do.

Dismayed2012 posted 1/31/2020 10:43 AM

By being inconsistent with your actions in dealing with your wayward wife's actions, you've given her the power over you and your family to do whatever she pleases. It might be time that you take the reins to your family and your life back. Stop worrying about any type of consequences and get yourself back on the divorce track. Show her that you're a man of your word and that you're not putting up with her crap anymore. Tell her that she is to stop drinking now, do this while silently filing for divorce and having her served. Show her that you're a real man and that you're taking your life back. Show her that nothing she does will deter you from holding the reins of family and of your own personal life. Put you foot down, outline the rules, and don't back down no matter what she threatens to do. Give her what she wants, a husband that doesn't put up with anyone's sh*t. If she doesn't fall in line then allow the divorce process to proceed to finalization. Meanwhile send a message to her ex-boyfriend/current-affair-partner that he can come pick her up and keep her drunk a$$. Take care of yourself and stop allowing other people to impose fear into your life.

Paul84 posted 1/31/2020 20:10 PM

Itís been a few days and I wanted to thank everyone for their responses . I have found an attorney and will be making a consultation after the weekend . Everything around the home has been peaceful. But I have been stressed out . Tonight is Friday which is her drinking night . She also drinks on Saturdayís a lot as well . She usually drinks quite a bit at night (a whole bottle of wine and 3 beers) . Every single Friday night and a lot of Saturdayís too. She acts like a completely different person when she drinks . I am not sure I would call her an alcoholic (1-2 nights a week) but she certainly is a binge drinker . With her DUI and alcohol issues in the past I think even 1-2 nights a week is a problem .

She has agreed to 50/50 custody . But I am not sure I think that is acceptable with her alcohol / mental issues . I know the kids need their mother but if she has them half the time I will be worried. She is a good mother but like I said , the alcohol and mental instability is a big concern. Starting out with 50/50 will likely be the best option to avoid thousands in attorneys fees.

We agreed to talk tomorrow night . I will be making a last ditch attempt to save the marriage . I will again suggest couples counseling . We saw a counselor 4 years ago around the time of her DUI. She is the kind of person who always says she was treated worse than I was during arguments. At one point the counselor even threw her hands up in the air bc she was being so stubborn .

I havenít been perfect. The last week I have lost my cool over text message to her twice . I straight up called her a cheating you know what . I would have never spoken to a woman that way . I didnít know I had it in me . Itís not how I was raised . I have already apologized but I know itís just added fuel to her reasons for D .

Thanks for the support

[This message edited by Paul84 at 8:13 PM, January 31st (Friday)]

The1stWife posted 2/1/2020 02:15 AM

Iím sorry itís come to this but your wife is an alcoholic.

Seriously think what 50/50 custody will be like for them.

Donít beat yourself over losing your cool with her. You are doing your best during this stressful time. Maybe donít engage with her anymore via text unless it has to do with your children. Period.

That can limit yiur exposure to her crazy behavior.

SnowToArmPits posted 2/1/2020 02:54 AM

Tonight is Friday which is her drinking night

This is no way to live raising kids.

Her drinking night, yeesh. You must look forward to that all week long.

Just reading your first post... haven't you maybe had enough?

I appreciate you're a loyal guy and there's kids involved so you want to try one last time... there should come a spot when it's time to move on. Best for everyone.

squid posted 2/1/2020 03:55 AM


It's best not to engage at all with her. Only talk about logistics and the kids. She's clearly checked out. I agree 100% with keeping a VAR on you at all times. She could easily make up abuse claims so you should always watch your back.

Forget about how you may have acted before. Moving forward try and maintain a calm demeanor. She is a stranger to you now. Treat her as such. Keep all communication with her to a minimum. You need to separate your heart from your head. Once you file let your attorney handle all communications regarding D.

I will be making a last ditch attempt to save the marriage

Don't make any more effort to save the marriage. It's done. If there's anyone that needs to make an effort it should be her. She destroyed it. It's on her. For god's sake, no more couples counseling. You can see how she manipulates it to work in her favor. This seems to be her pattern.

Paul84 posted 2/1/2020 09:30 AM

Thank you. I will avoid any talking with her except about logistics . I am trying to come up with a preliminary plan for child custody . A lawyer will give advice but ultimately it is my decision. As I said before I am not comfortable with 50:50 arrangement . She drives the kids around the next morning after she has been drinking heavily . I assume it is in a hungover , drunken stupor . Two months ago while she was on antidepressants , she drank at a bar and drove home . She believes it is ok to have ďa fewĒ and drive and will not stop this pattern . I texted her friend and asked how much she drank she said ďjust a fewĒ . I have screen shot of text . I have records and notes of every drunken , violent incident . She has also destroyed my property including my Xbox . I have receipt of repair . If I pursue more then 50/50 itís not bc of revenge .I want her to see the kids but I believe it is not in their best interest for 50/50 at this time . What are my chances with a good lawyer ?

HellFire posted 2/1/2020 10:01 AM

She is a good mother

No sir. She is neglectful,and abusive. She drives them around before she sobers up. She risks their lives. She is violent with their father. Even if they never witnessed the physical abuse, they know. She cheats on their father, putting him at risk for deadly stds, and devastated their other parent. She betrays her children,risking their family, for another man.

My friend, this woman is about as far away from being a good mother, as it gets.

KatieKat posted 2/1/2020 10:48 AM

Stop it! You need to let her go and realize sheís alcoholic, abusive, and unfit. Youíve been minimizing and rug sweeping. Donít talk to her any more. Do the strong, hard 180 and let her do the work. Sheís sick, buddy, and you are NOT her doctor! Good luck.

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