Anyone here have a COVERT narcissist for a WS? As I move through the process of divorce, I have been taking stock of our 14 year marriage. The more I read about covert narcissists the more my WH fits into this catergory. They are more subtle and underhanded in their dysfunction and cruelty (as opposed to the outright bullying and abuse of an OVERT narcissist). As I researched about the CN, the two things that really hit home for me were:
They cause a lot of emotional confusion and chaos in their relationships, leaving their partners feeling unacknowledged, disrespected, small, invalidated and unimportant, when the partners had at one time felt so loved in the beginning of the relationship.
Their relationships all play out in three stages: 1. Indealizing/love bombing. 2. Devaluing/invaldiating and finally, 3. The discard or dismissal.
I've seen my WH play out this cycle with other relationships in his life, most particularly his daughter (from his first marriage). He idealized her for years until she became a teenager and adopted different opinions from his. It was at this time that I saw him begin to pull away from her, cancel their visitation dates, back out on their plans together, etc... The devaluing had begun. Then she was given the discard, so coldly and summarily, that he literally stopped speaking to her one day and they have had zero contact in ten years. He dismissed her and never looked back. This was upsetting for me to watch. A side of him I hated. That cycle took 18 years to play out. And of course, it was all her fault.
I know this same cycle played out with his first wife. That cycle took four years to play out. And of course, it was all her fault.
And now he has played it out with me. Our cycle took 14 years to play out. And I am sure in his mind it is all my fault.
The devaluing phase of the cycle is very confusing and sheer torture, and got worse and worse as the years went on. My needs and requests (emotional, sexual, logistical/honey-do lists, etc.) were ignored and unacknowledged more and more through the years, to the point where I felt invisible in my marriage. Absolutely invisible. Procrastination is another tool they use to manipulate and control (which my WH did and still does all the time). I was so invisible to him that he took up with another woman as though he didn't even have a wife, as if I didn't even exist. Indeed, in his mind, he didn't have a wife anymore. CNs do what they want, when they want, with whomever they want. They live in their own entitled bubble of a world. I sometimes told him that he lived his life as if he didn't even have a wife.
The discard phase is scary, in that it is done so coldly and completely and cruelly, with not one look back. WH dismissed me about three years ago (but I didn't really realize it) around the same time that he met his OW. Looking back on it, he discarded me and started up his affair. I didn't think I could feel more unacknowledged, disrespected, discarded and invisible, but since DDay he has managed to make it so. Incredible.
I am finding it hard to accept the fact that on my end, the last 14 years of my life I was a wife, but for my WH, I was just the next target for him, for the cycle to play out again. I thought we had a marriage, but in reality, we had the three-phase cycle of a CN. Of course, he could never articulate this, as he is not self reflective. He would never admit to such a label as a narcissist. In actuality, he is just as confused about his behavior and his failed relationships as the rest of us are!
Now that he has the OW, she is next. And since she began her relationship with him based on lies and infidelity, she deserves the devalue and discard, when it finally happens to her next.
Anyone else here have a CN in their life? Any insight or input? I am relieved to be getting out of this M, now that I see my WH more clearly. Other's input would be appreciated too. This is a very long post. Thanks to all of you who got this far! xo
[This message edited by Louisianalisa at 5:09 AM, February 14th (Friday)]