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I don't want to be happy.

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stolenyears posted 2/14/2020 14:45 PM

I feel like happiness is fleeting and temporary. Once you get whatever you wanted that was supposed to make you happy, it only lasts for a bit and then you are on to the next thing. Probably one of the sad realizations from our WS. They 'deserved to be happy', whatever that means, and since they became unhappy with their BS, they searched elsewhere to get that happiness fulfilled. I have found that if happiness is my goal, then I will continually be disappointed because whatever the thing is or the situation is that is supposed to make me happy, once I get there it is not quite as good as I thought it would be and I am wanting more.

Viktor Frankl wrote a book called 'Man's Search for Meaning', and I would highly recommend it. One of the best books I have read as a part of my recovery journey, and probably in the top 3 of all the new books I have in my infidelity library. Not really infidelity related, but Frankl talks about finding meaning...not happiness...not love, but rather finding meaning in your life, which leads to contentment and joy, which are long lasting.

When I started IC after d-day, I seriously wondered if happiness was something that other people would experience. It seemed like I was destined to be a punching bag. I had lots of moments where I considered that some people were meant to take the blows while others were not strong enough to handle it. It has been a long hard journey, but I can confidently say now that I am finding lots of meaning in my life and I am much better off because of it.

Now I sing the Sinatra lines...'The record shows...I took the blows...and did it...MMMMMMYYYYYYY WWWWWWWAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!

DevastatedDee posted 2/14/2020 14:53 PM

Ellie, I'm right there with you. I think of contentment as happiness, but I get what you mean. Those moments of unadulterated joy are few and fleeting. They're great, but you know what's also great? Being in my home comfortable and content with a dog or two on my lap and one at my feet. Not stressing about what some other person is doing or going to do, not stressing about where you're going to be in a week, a month, a year. Just contentment about where you are in life at that moment. That is worth more than anything to me. I don't have any interest in a life of chaos.

TheLostOne2020 posted 2/14/2020 15:01 PM

stolenyears

I feel like happiness is fleeting and temporary.

It is, life is change. Life is ups and downs.

They 'deserved to be happy', whatever that means, and since they became unhappy with their BS, they searched elsewhere to get that happiness fulfilled.

'Deserve' is a bullshit term, in my opinion. It works off of the notion that this universe is akin to a cosmic balancing act where if you put in 'good tokens' you receive good rewards. That's not how the universe operates and I don't even think any modern religions operate off of that belief.

You can be the most noble person in the world, with principles of iron, and be struck down by a mugger or thrown in jail on a false charge.

Viktor Frankl wrote a book called 'Man's Search for Meaning', and I would highly recommend it. One of the best books I have read as a part of my recovery journey, and probably in the top 3 of all the new books I have in my infidelity library. Not really infidelity related, but Frankl talks about finding meaning...not happiness...not love, but rather finding meaning in your life, which leads to contentment and joy, which are long lasting.

That's interesting - I might have to pick that up. I'm an absurdist myself, which entails that I don't think there is any true meaning in the universe. Because of that I make my own way and live life as it is, on the terms that I get, and for the purposes that I want. I invest in it fully.

When I started IC after d-day, I seriously wondered if happiness was something that other people would experience. It seemed like I was destined to be a punching bag. I had lots of moments where I considered that some people were meant to take the blows while others were not strong enough to handle it. It has been a long hard journey, but I can confidently say now that I am finding lots of meaning in my life and I am much better off because of it.

Good.

I think my definition of happy is more along the lines of being content. Happiness is generally described in a few different ways - one of which is akin to being content. The other is the transitory feeling of elation or joy, which is fleeting and ephemeral.

EllieKMAS posted 2/14/2020 15:33 PM

I am glad people are understanding my distinction between happy and content!

I am content today - I fucked up and forgot to set my alarm so I ended up taking unexpected PTO from work (thank you that I have a wonderful boss), and I FINALLY cleaned my house while blasting my tunes and angry music always puts me a good mood. And leaving a few to go out with my snarky friend for margaritas. She is the Thelma to my Louise and I don't know how I would have survived this last 15 months without her, so she seems like a fitting person to spend heart day with. Today is a very contented day

crazyblindsided posted 2/14/2020 15:54 PM

And leaving a few to go out with my snarky friend for margaritas. She is the Thelma to my Louise and I don't know how I would have survived this last 15 months without her, so she seems like a fitting person to spend heart day with.

EllieKMAS yes this^^^ I am content myself on this Valentine's Day and look forward to spending it with my girlfriends tonight. We are calling it "Galantine's Day"

EllieKMAS posted 2/14/2020 19:08 PM

cbs - best. galentine's. day. evah! over here... Went to biglots after dinner cus my friend needed to buy something for her son and I found a Valentine's llama that head bobs and twerks to Britney Spears "Hit Me Baby One More Time"... And it was 30% off. Yes, I bought it (don't judge me). I bought the llama for my momma

sisoon posted 2/15/2020 09:29 AM

Hmmmm...I, too, feel best when I feel content.

But I think of the happiest days of my life, and the happiness was not unalloyed with other feelings. Wedding day, birth of our son came with a lot of fear. What kind of W was I getting? What kind of H would I be? How the HELL do you guide an newborn to adulthood?

Until 15 years ago, I was an angry pessimist who was sometimes happy, scared, afraid, or ashamed.Then, thanks to a lot of therapy, I became a happy optimist who was sometimes angry, scared, or ashamed.

So every time I notice I'm alive, I get in touch with some feeling, and every feeling is associated with joy for being alive.

I fear it won't always be that way, but ... I'll have to deal with whatever comes my way.

Rideitout posted 2/15/2020 09:50 AM

One of the hardest things for me about the A, I feel like the "last holdout" of pure happiness I have as an adult is gone. No, this isn't me attempting to TJ, I agree with the premise, happiness is fleeting and probably shouldn't be your end goal. But man, did sex used to make me happy. In a way that really nothing else did, it was my "happy time" no matter what was going on in my life. A time to step back, experience something wonderful, and just be me, no filters, no bullshit, no pretenses. It was literally my "happy button", I could push it, and I could no I'd be happy for at least some period of time.

It's been very hard for me to lose that. In fact, I think that may be the thing that I miss most from my pre-A time. My sex life, measured from the outside, is 100X better today than it was. I'm very "content" with it, most would be jealous and think "what the f**k is wrong with you". Well, what's wrong with me is that the happiness was stolen from me. Maybe it never should have existed at all, I was operating under some false pretenses with sex, and my happiness from it came from the idea that it was a unqualified "good" in the world. Having sex was better than not having it. I had no concept of "sex for kibbles" or "sex for acceptance" or the myriad of reasons that has come to light for me today that completely alter how I see sex today. No, it was 2 people doing something they both really wanted to do, and 2 people making each other "happy" for a brief moment in this world.

The loss of that has really damaged me in fundamental ways. My happy is, for the most part, gone. I still enjoy things, and I'd say I'm "content". But that fleeting moment of real joy, I haven't had that in a very long time. And I don't know where to get it anymore, frankly, I'm not sure it exists for me. And that is a terrible thing to realize and come to accept, at least for me.

Phantasmagoria posted 2/15/2020 12:57 PM

I see a very clear delineation between my happiness as a person, versus my circumstances. Obviously, circumstances change and frankly you never know whatís around the corner. I couldnít have predicted the past 5 years, so no point in trying to predict the next 5. Am I content with my circumstances?...some, some not. Do the circumstances Iím content with change?....Sure!

But am I happy as a person? Yes, all due to how I behave as a person. I make my own decisions, never swayed by majority but by what feels right. I manage my responsibilities well, my kids respect me, as do my friends. I have a great relationship with my Mom. I take pride in who I am, how I present myself, how I behave. This makes me happy, and all of which is within my control. And itís a constant, not fleeting.

I often read on here (and elsewhere) that happiness lies within, and it does. But I think that often gets misconstrued as learn to be happy with your circumstances. Sometimes you are, sometimes you arenít...thatís totally natural. Being happy with who you are and how you behave is very different. Itís a journey, and if you take pride in yourself for the decisions you make and the milestones you set for yourself and you reach, however minor they may be and no matter what your circumstances, and no matter how badly others behave, then those milestones and your personal attitude to life are what matter most...at least for me!

[This message edited by Phantasmagoria at 12:57 PM, February 15th (Saturday)]

Phoenix1 posted 2/15/2020 14:23 PM

*** Posting as a Member ***

Happiness is subjective. One person's happiness is another's contentment, and vice versa.

I am content with moments of happiness (based on my definition), and that's enough for me. My home is my sanctuary- peaceful, quiet, calm. A refuge from the external bullshit I see and deal with (part of that adulting thing). But then, I am also introverted so that peaceful, quiet, calm environment is very important for me to recharge my internal battery. My adult DDs often come over to "The Sanctuary" for that same reason. I am both content and happy in my home. It's my zen spot.

Now, one of my regular comments to my kids (even when they make what I think are less than stellar decisions) is that all I wish for them is good health and happiness, provided that happiness is not achieved at the expense of someone else's pain/hurt.

That last part is a direct result of Xhole. He needs and uses others to achieve his happiness. He is incapable of doing otherwise. Cue his serial cheating nature. Always chasing down happiness, regardless of the cost to others. It is for that reason I qualify my wish for happiness for my kids. I hold myself to the same standard, BTW.

What makes my kids happy (or anyone else) is for them to define. Their happiness brings me happiness, not to the exclusion of many other things in life. Contentment is just as welcome in my life and I enjoy it just as much as those *highs* of happiness that can be tied to very specific events/moments. I'm actually a very optimistic, happy person that is content with life at this moment, even with all the daily unpredictability and moments of life's bullshit.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:08 PM, February 15th (Saturday)]

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