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How we take back control?

appropriatemarch posted 4/26/2020 08:50 AM

Itís been almost 3 weeks since I discovered my partner of 5 years had been cheating with another woman, for 6 months.

The AP claimed she didnít know about me, and my WP also said this and that she was not to blame. Thanks to the power of social media and my insecurities, I have seen them talking to each other. She said she would never take him back after what he did to us both, because thatís not the actions of a healthy, balanced person. But it looks like she has.

A lot of my friends and family are understandably upset on my behalf, and my sister sent a message to the AP telling her exactly what she thought. Iím not saying this is mature but sheís her own person, and Iíve got enough worries to keep me awake at night.

My WP ended up messaging me, sticking up for the AP, saying how nobody should be sending her messages etc, no matter how bad what he did was. Iím so angry. Heís destroyed my life, he ripped up what we had and pulled the rug from under my feet. And he has the audacity to contact me about her?!

I feel more and more hurt everyday. I need to take back control, how do I do that? I know I canít control what he does, thinks or who he loves but itís KILLING ME. Help me take back control.

Justsomeguy posted 4/26/2020 09:24 AM

I took control back by telling my WW it was over and filing for D. During in housecseperation, she tried to lure me back into the relationship be trying to act sexy and telling me how much she missed intimacy. I told her best of luck and went to bed. That was the last time she tried. I think she understood that the power balance had shifted. Now I am all business. I think she gets it, but I don't think she likes it. You need to put yourself first. What is best for you. Get into IC and explore what this "love" you have for what is clearly an abusive partner is.

Okokok posted 4/26/2020 09:36 AM

I feel more and more hurt everyday. I need to take back control, how do I do that? I know I canít control what he does, thinks or who he loves but itís KILLING ME. Help me take back control.

Are you broken up with him? Has he moved out? Or is he still around and the two of you are still trying to "work it out"?

I'm asking because there are different things you can do depending on context. The great news is that there are definitely things you can do.

PSTI posted 4/26/2020 09:57 AM

Control of what?

I don't think either partner should be in control in a healthy relationship. It should be a mutual thing. If there is a nonconsensual power imbalance, that's not a positive thing net even if it's better for one person.

If you mean self control, nothing will do that but time. Sometimes the only way out is straight through, hard as that is.

OwningItNow posted 4/26/2020 11:39 AM

My WP ended up messaging me, sticking up for the AP, saying how nobody should be sending her messages etc, no matter how bad what he did was.

So did you two not live together? Or did he move out?

I feel more and more hurt everyday. I need to take back control, how do I do that?

Anger is a part of grieving. So is denial. You are most likely very, very angry and wanting to lash out to make this all stop, to make it not hurt, to make it not real. You are probably climbing the walls with feelings of powerlessness. That is all very normal and extremely hard. Your mind is trying to reject this reality, and I think that's the control you are looking for. But it really isn't possible.

You have two choices in your anguish: focus in vs. focus out. From what I have seen, focusing out leads to a revenge, scorched earth, take no prisoners mentality which can be extremely destructive to them and to you. Be very careful with this feeling. We so, so, so want to punish people who wrong us--and we've seen that plenty here on SI--but it often comes with a moral, legal, and criminal consequence. And worst of all, the reality you were running from is still there.

Then there is focusing inward. This is the healthy way to grieve because you control you. Read books and websites (like The Healing Library found in the top, left corner yellow box), drink plenty of water and eat healthy foods, watch YouTube videos on grief, loss, surviving betrayal, cry when you need to, take walks when you can, lean on your very supportive family, sleep, journal your thoughts out and avoid your ex, and let time pass. Eventually you will have energy to take up new goals, find hobbies, and meet a much better person than you were with. You know who the OW gets? A known cheater. You know who you get? Someone much better than that.

Try to take control back by not caring about him (or at least not showing you care). He doesn't deserve you. Don't let him feel two women are fighting for him. He doesn't deserve it. Post as much as you need. The hurt lasts for a while--but it does not last forever.

((((appropriatemarch))))

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 11:43 AM, April 26th (Sunday)]

The1stWife posted 4/26/2020 14:56 PM

May I suggest you find a good counselor to help you through the emotional roller coaster you are on.

It can save your sanity.

And hopefully give you some direction and clarity on this relationship that just imploded.

BTW I love ❤️ your sister. She has your back!

appropriatemarch posted 4/26/2020 15:25 PM

We have broken up, however I haven't let him come back to collect his belongings. We're still in a lockdown situation here, and I don't feel ready to see him, or let him into what was our home.

When I say control, I don't mean controlling the relationship. By control, I feel like I have control of nothing anymore, he's taken everything. He's taken years of my life, the love I thought we had. And anytime he's contacted me since I found out about his cheating, I start shaking, I panic, I feel sick about what he's going to say now to upset me, hurt me and take away what little inner peace I've been create for myself since this happened.

I just wanted some advice on how to focus on myself, take back control of MY life and now let his words or actions send me into a state of panic.

Hope this makes more sense x

fareast posted 4/26/2020 16:10 PM

Please read in the healing library. There are things you can do to make you feel like you are more in control. No contact. Period, unless about finances. You did not mention any children. Block him on everything except email. If he needs to talk about finances he can do it by email. No texts. No calls. Do not pain shop by following him or the OW on social media. It will only hurt you more. Start looking at what YOU want moving forward. You canít change the past or what he did. But you control your future. Get into IC to help you cope with the emotional trauma. See an attorney to learn your legal rights and options. These steps will give you a start on feeling more in control. Others will have more suggestions. Probably better ones. Good luck.

The1stWife posted 4/26/2020 16:47 PM

Counseling can support you and help you re-gain your self esteem and confidence. Since this so new in your healing process, some days itís just enough to get up and get dressed.

Healing is a slow process. But you have to realize that your future looks brighter b/c you have just gotten rid of some dead weight in your life. You will survive this - we all do.

Just keep telling yourself you deserve better.

cocoplus5nuts posted 4/27/2020 09:51 AM

I need to take back control, how do I do that?

Dump him if you haven't already. Then, go total NC. Tell your family and friends to do the same. Live your best life without him.

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