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I never was allowed to grieve...

moonmatt posted 4/26/2020 18:57 PM

It's been 6 years, 12 days, and 8 hours since I first found out. Six years of my life I will never have back. Six years my wife trickled truthed her way through. Each time cutting into me. Bloodletting me. Always saying there was no more to tell but always finding more. That's my life I've been living. I've stayed for my girls. Maybe not the right thing to do but they deserve better. I'm 45 and basically holding on just to protect them. I could care less about the rest of my life. I never felt such pain the day she told me. A part of me was removed and died. The man I was - good or bad, he's gone. Maybe I'm mad at myself. I made the decision to pursue her, thinking she would be safe. A truthful, faithful, God loving woman. Safe in that she would never do to me what she eventually did not once, not twice, but at least three time. Three times that she actually admits.

It's funny how my wife constantly asks why I can't look toward the future. Stop looking at the past. Maybe because you keep dragging me back every time I discover the truth. She isn't safe. I've told her I don't trust her. It doesn't seem to bother her. We 'celebrate' our 20 year anniversary this year. When she tells others all excited and I'm there I just want to say, "I don't fricken care." What am I supposed to celebrate? The sex you had with other guys?
There's nothing to celebrate except maybe our girls. The only good thing to ever truly come out of this. I love both of them dearly and would hate to see their relationship with their mother change.

So why am I writing today? Because I wanted to hear from others on how they were able to grieve? My wife never let me grieve. Every time I tried to explain my pain she just threw it back in my face and said I would never know her pain. True enough. But I also never asked her to do this to me. To plunge this knife into my body. I've tried to explain why I get quiet at times, why it hurts, but she never would let me mourn. Mourn the loss of my marriage, the innocents of thinking your spouse would love only you to death do you part, that she would be truthful, and... Faithful. I like the song Faithfully by Journey. I play it often. I like to think that could have been me but... it will never be me. I really don't know what to do anymore. I really don't want to divorce because only more misery will come from that. I still believe that God can bring something good out of this but I just can't get "THEM" out of my mind. My memory, for now, is pretty dang good. I remember so much. So much I don't want to remember. I need encourage from you. I know all of this pain I've lived could not have been in vain.

D-day: 14 April 2014
Me: 45
Wife: 41
Two beautiful girls: 14 and 10

The1stWife posted 4/26/2020 19:08 PM

Have you been to counseling to help support you? Itís not about the marriage itís about You and processing this trauma.

One thing I want to point out is that you deserve better. You deserve to heal from this. You deserve happiness. You deserve to live a long and fulfilling life. You deserve a partner who loves and supports you.

I think your children would say you deserve happiness. You deserve better. You deserve more than an existence.

Please seek professional help. Please see if you are not mildly depressed - maybe you need assistance more than you know.

It can be better than this if you really want it to be better. Your post rings of tolerance and acceptance. Not love and happiness (except from your children).

Please donít think when my kids go to college Iíll D. Huge mistake. I know more than one story where parents did just that and it had disastrous consequences on the child.

Divorce while they are able to get support from you. Before they are in a strange situation and away from home with no family nearby.

PS. Your wife sounds soulless.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:09 PM, April 26th (Sunday)]

Okokok posted 4/26/2020 19:17 PM

The man I was - good or bad, he's gone.

It is possible to get that man back.

~

What you are describing here - this last six years of your life - has not been a reconciliation. It's been a six-year sweeping under the rug, if you can even call it that.

It's been six years of you never really getting out of infidelity. AKA six years of torture.

Everything The1stWife said is true.

I really don't want to divorce because only more misery will come from that.

What makes you so sure?

Jesusismyanchor posted 4/26/2020 20:41 PM

IMO if you have not been able to grieve then your healing has also been delayed. I also agree that is a form of rug sweeping. How was I able to grieve? This is interesting as I did not have anyone to grieve with which was even another source of grief for me. To be grieving the lack of being able to grieve with another person is a an odd feeling thing. Lamenting is another thing as well if you look that up. I think we need to be able to lament.

Even my own family was not there for me. Many people failed me in this.

Here are some of the things I did? I went to IC. I also joined a recovery group for months at my church. I came on to my support people here on SI many times. I grieved on my own. I found ONE friend that was there for me. MC can also help work through it as well. For me is was not the closest people in my life at all. My H could not stand to grieve with me but also we are headed for D now.

I will say MC was helping with this but my H had many other underlying issues and just has no empathy. I think he had the ability even due to some mental illness issues. Other WS just do not want to do it because it is hard and it sucks and they would prefer to avoid it at all cost.

Marz posted 4/26/2020 20:42 PM

A truthful, faithful, God loving woman.

Sorry but sheís far from that.

Safe in that she would never do to me what she eventually did not once, not twice, but at least three time. Three times that she actually admits.

Google serial cheater. You are correct you only know the tip of the iceberg. Not only that but thereís probably more coming.

Marz posted 4/26/2020 20:46 PM

We 'celebrate' our 20 year anniversary this year.

Why? Maybe you should start being authentic and stop this farce.

You talk about your girls. They learn most from their parents. What are you teaching them? If they are faced with this situation do you want them to live their lives like you are?

Living the life of a martyr is a thankless task.

[This message edited by Marz at 8:46 PM, April 26th (Sunday)]

Marz posted 4/26/2020 20:53 PM

Every time I tried to explain my pain she just threw it back in my face and said I would never know her pain. True enough. But I also never asked her to do this to me. To plunge this knife into my body. I've tried to explain why I get quiet at times, why it hurts, but she never would let me mourn.

It sounds like you fallen into the trap of helping hide her affairs then wonder why your life sucks? This wont get better.

Sheís not remorseful which means itíll never be any better.

You are choosing to live like this. The affairs are one her 100%, affairs are conscious and willing decisions.

How youíve handled this is on you. Do yourself a big favor and read ďNo More Mr Nice GuyĒ by glover Itís a free pdf download and short.

The Calvary isnít coming. Itís all up to you. You do have a choice.

Justsomeguy posted 4/26/2020 20:55 PM

I'm with Marz on this one. What exactly are you "celebrating"? I mean, I know what your WW is celebrating, that she go away with it, but you? It sounds more like you are scratching days into a prison wall marking off the time. That's no way for anyone to live. Would you be okay with your kids doing this?

Marz posted 4/26/2020 21:01 PM

It's funny how my wife constantly asks why I can't look toward the future. Stop looking at the past. Maybe because you keep dragging me back every time I discover the truth. She isn't safe. I've told her I don't trust her.

Youíve taught her how she can treat you. You know who/what she is. Why would you expect anything else at this time?

bluewater posted 4/26/2020 21:38 PM

I read all of your posts. What a sad story.

The fact that you are still feeling the way that you are tells us that you really aren't healed. Actually you aren't even close to being healed. It is also obvious from your posts that you are still in a lot of pain and it is eating you from the inside. Pain that your wife ever so casually dismisses.

Also, from what you have described of your wife I would have to say that she isn't even close to regretting her affairs. Never mind remorseful.

I have four questions for you...

Did you expose her affairs to anyone?

What consequences did she have to face?

Did you inform the OBS's f these three men?

Did you ask her to do a polygraph test? Might be worth it. Even after six years.

Jesusismyanchor posted 4/26/2020 22:26 PM

Another note:

Your girls will need to know this one day. I do not think it helps to hide things in families. It tends to allow things to repeat. I also have kids and M a serial cheater. If I do not tell them at an appropriate age...they may be me one day. I am NOT responsible for how they will view their dad then. He made his choices and will have to do the work with his kids that he hurt.

No one warned me. I did not know the signs. I was totally caught off guard to emotional abuse and infidelity. I was financially compromised.My health was at risk. I did not tell anyone after DDAY for a long time because I was ashamed and depressed. I was convinced no one in the family would understand or support me. All of that just to learn it had happened in my family before but had been hidden.

If you have not told others then that may be a big part of your grief as well. If you hide it then your life is still kind of a lie by my way of thinking. It also keeps you from grieving if no one can with you

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 10:31 PM, April 26th (Sunday)]

Butforthegrace posted 4/27/2020 06:08 AM

Textbook example of the long term effects of rug-sweeping. It creates acid in your soul that gradually starts to eat holes all the way through you.

You have said several times that you are a man who believes in simple honesty, but I hope you realize you have been chronically dishonest with yourself.

The1stWife posted 4/27/2020 06:23 AM

Please go to New Beginnings here at SI and read how many people were fearful of D and change but did eventually D and how much better their life is now.

Itís not because they met someone new or remarried.

Itís mostly due to the fact they no longer live with the cheater and their issues.

They donít have to listen to lies. They are not disrespected by the cheater.

They are free from checking up on the whereabouts of the cheater.

They no longer live with the stress they once did.

Tigersrule77 posted 4/27/2020 07:51 AM

MoonMatt, I'm sorry you are still dealing with this.

I understand your thought to stay with your WW for your kids, but how do you know you aren't harming them anyway?

If you are miserable in your M, don't you think your kids see that? If your daughter is 14, she probably knows that you are and your WW are not happy together. Is that the example you want to show your daughters for a relationship? Would you encourage one of your daughters to stay in that kind of relationship for their kids? I doubt it.

I would also recommend you get some counseling. Do you want to spend the rest of your life this way? The only thing stopping you from being happy again seems to be you. You can leave your WW and either look for the true love of your life, or just spend your time enjoying being out of infidelity.

One last question - How do you know your WW is currently in an A? Have you stopped caring/looking? It seems unlikely she would have given up this habit as your M doesn't seem to be repaired.

longsadstory1952 posted 4/28/2020 09:13 AM

For Gods sake man. Get ahold of yourself. Every day you stay with your 3x cheater while she ignores your issues she is more enabled. You are rewarding her. Any woman who would coldly watch while you decompensate is not worthy of anything.

You kids are way old enough to understand. Divorce her used ass and move on.

You have a history of posting once in misery and disappearing for months at a time. If you need to talk, please talk with us.

If not, then start the process. Stop wallowing in misery. Stop pain shopping. Free your mind from the self imposed trap that is no trap at all.

Just do it. One day at a time. Show her you are the man she married and prove that you can live without her and her soulless behaviors. Just do it.

thatbpguy posted 4/28/2020 09:51 AM

A part of me was removed and died. The man I was - good or bad, he's gone.

You just wrote my life story. I have been a totally different, and lesser, man since my wife's betrayals. For the most part, I'm waiting to die.

Your wife brutally betrayed you and somehow wants to blame a lot of it on you. That's wrong and you should never take it. That's a part of the problem.

So you stay, unhappy, for the kids. I get that. I really do. I love my dd so much I'd do anything for her. If that's your decision, then stay for them. It's a noble thing to do and I can respect it. As for your wife, if you haven't already done so, you need to ty and find a separate life within your marriage- for as long as you are married. Sort of like a '180'. Find little things that are just for you. Maybe take up running, or biking... If you like sports, find a few sports buddies and get together and watch some sports or go to high school events.... I did those things and it helped. I gained a measure of happiness away from my wife- and she was (and remains) the true love of my life.

Your wife is refusing to accept true accountability and that is shameless.

Westway posted 4/28/2020 14:58 PM

I've stayed for my girls. Maybe not the right thing to do but they deserve better.

Is "better" having a miserable dad with a dead soul?

Is "better" watching their father settle for a half-existence with a deceitful, unrepentant WW?

Is "better" seeing their mother get away with destroying her marriage, disrespecting their father and dragging the family through the mud?

I predict that your WW will follow the youngest girl out the door the day she leaves for college. I think your WW is biding her time, using you for support as long as the girls are minors. Once they grow up, she's going to divorce you.

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