"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Mickie500 posted 4/27/2020 17:23 PM

I just found out from the AP that I reached out to that the day my husband broke it off with her they had sex one final time.

I reached out and asked her why she would pay for his uber home. I told her it didn't make sense when he told me the story.

The story: My husband and I got into this big blow up fight and he couldn't take my rage I told him I couldn't try with him any longer. I had just found out that he broke no contact and I found out from the AP!! She even answered the call and said to me "He's Never going to leave you!"

Anyway-He admitted to it and broke down. This was DDay2 for us. He saw the pain on my face and apologized and cried and was hysterical but when I screamed at him that he was a worthless piece of shit he screamed and ran out the door.

Well He went to where AP was having dinner with a friend he says to find out what all she told him.

Well he stayed at his mother's house that night which is where I was hoping he would go BUT first they went back to her house to have sex one last time.

I NEVER believed the reason why she paid for the uber----I knew she paid so he wouldn't have a paper trail of having been over there.

I have been holding this in but finally told him I don't believe him at all about the deatils. He feels like me not believing him is undermining our reconciliation (he doesn't know I have reached out to the AP to get her version of the truth)

I am devastated ESPECIALLY since he has been working so hard and being so good as far as recovery/reconciliation and therapy (IC and MC)

I'm so hurt because why LIE?! Why need one last time? Does that mean he needed it from her?

I demanded email exchanges between the two of them. He had deleted them so he needed her to send them to him and she forwarded them, asked for the uber to be paid and then said Good Luck.

I believe every word she said because she also says they have not been in contact. If she was going to lie she could've said they are still in contact which would certainly end my marriage.

I AM DEVASTATED!! After these months of doing good in recovery I feel blindsided yet again from this revelation and lie!

cocoplus5nuts posted 4/28/2020 08:52 AM

Gently, he has not been working hard. He has been doing just enough to convince you that he is working hard so you will rugsweep and leave him alone. If he were truly remorseful and truly working on himself, he wouldn't have run to the OW. How did he know where she was?

The reason he told you for going there is bullshit. He went there to see her because he was upset and she's the one he runs to. He probably did ask what she told you to make sure he doesn't admit to more than he has to. He also probably wanted to make sure they had their stories straight.

You cannot believe her. She's a cheater and, therefore, a proven liar. She will say whatever is in her best interest. That's not to say she is definitely lying. You just can't trust that she isn't.

She doesn't know that your M would be over if you found out they were still in contact. It hasn't ended yet. Why would she care about your M, anyway? OTOH, her fun might end if you found out. She has a reason to lie to you. Is she married or in a relationship? If so, you need to make sure her BP knows what she's been up to.

I'm so hurt because why LIE?!

Because he's a liar covering his tracks. Because he's not remorseful. Because he has no intention of stopping.

Why need one last time?

Because it wasn't one last time. It was just another opportunity for some sex. He will do it again.

WRT needing it from her, there is nothing special about her. She could've been anyone willing to get involved with a married man. The only thing remotely special about her is that she made herself available. He took it from her because she was there.

The better question is, why are you searching for reasons to forgive this man? He is cheating on you. He is lying to you. He is disrespecting you. He is putting your life in danger. If you have children, he is abandoning them. Is that the type of man you want to be married to?

Respect yourself enough to know that you deserve better and demand it.

Okokok posted 4/28/2020 09:33 AM

which would certainly end my marriage.

At this point, I'm wondering: is there anything that this man can do to you that would cause you to get the divorce papers and file them?

cocoplus5nuts is right: this will happen again. And at this point, you're sending the message that you will always allow it.

It's not your fault. But this is the message you're sending. Doesn't matter how much you scream or cry or reason with him. He gets the message that you'll always be there for him.

Unless you make a change.

And just so we're clear: he ran out the door yesterday and went and slept with her, like yesterday? Please clarify.

He feels like me not believing him is undermining our reconciliation

Uggggghhhhh. This is blame-shifting. Your fault the reconciliation isn't working, see?

I am devastated ESPECIALLY since he has been working so hard and being so good as far as recovery/reconciliation and therapy (IC and MC)

MC is actually hurting you at this point. If you want to make a boss move, cancel your next appointment and all future appointments until further notice. Keep IC.

What are you thinking you're going to do from here?

Sorry this has happened to you. But what's next?

EllieKMAS posted 4/28/2020 09:34 AM

I am devastated ESPECIALLY since he has been working so hard and being so good as far as recovery/reconciliation and therapy (IC and MC)

No he hasn't been working hard. He has been doing the bare minimum of what he needs to to shut you up. So of COURSE you feel devastated, because part of you is seeing that truth clearly now. And the digging you're feeling compelled to do? Your subconscious knows 2 and 2 is not equaling 4 here. I am so sorry you are dealing with yet another dday.

But the question for you now is... what are you going to do with this information? IMHO you're getting a preview of how things will be with him from here on out - is that something you are willing to live with?

Sending you so many hugs. Subsequent DDays in some ways are even worse than the first one.

Mickie500 posted 4/28/2020 10:36 AM

cocoplus5nuts

It is confusing to type out. DDay2 was February 6th. That is when I found out he had broken no contact. That is when he ran to her and that is the night of the last time that I finally found out about yesterday April 27th through an email exchange through with the AP.

She is not married. She said she hadn't spoken with him since that Friday.

He has in my opinion been working hard to change his behavior and I actually see it.

What does WRT mean?

Mickie500 posted 4/28/2020 10:40 AM

EllieKMAS

Unfortunately, one of my best girlfriends is a sex addict and seeing what she went through to reconcile with her husband is something I use. I wish she wasn't my best friend and I didn't see how devastated she was and how hard she has worked to get better and mend her marriage is probably why you think I am looking for a reason to give....I bounce things off her. I like the varying opinions of this site is beneficial.

leavingorbit posted 4/28/2020 11:00 AM

Just checking, aren’t you madhatters? Have you ended your affairs yet? Does your husband know about your APs? I understand new information will feel devastating - I feel it’s important to work on getting stronger for YOU and then after time has been put into that, evaluating what’s leftover.

I feel a lot of desperation in your posts. I may be projecting because I was like that too. I was putting all of my eggs in the baskets of others and one of those baskets was my husband’s.

I don’t see how focusing on your marriage is beneficial to you or your husband when 1) you’re both minimizing, 2) both being dishonest, 3) still engaging in unhealthy coping mechanisms. I really encourage both you and your husband to set boundaries, focus on fixing yourselves, and THEN come back to evaluate.

This is not to suggest you are any way at fault for your husband’s behavior. His crap is his crap. You gotta put out your own fire first, YKIM?

Strength to you.

Bor9455 posted 4/28/2020 11:13 AM

WRT means with respect to

Mickie500 posted 4/28/2020 11:32 AM

Just checking, aren’t you madhatters?

I don't embrace that title as I have not pursued the AP's beyond the initial coffee with one who lives in LA and haven't seen for months. And the other is through texting and have never gone out with him.

Have you ended your affairs yet? Does your husband know about your APs?

My husband does not know about the two people I reached out to once.

I understand new information will feel devastating - I feel it’s important to work on getting stronger for YOU and then after time has been put into that, evaluating what’s leftover.

I agree with you---I am going back to IC weekly. I think I will stop MC for now.

I feel a lot of desperation in your posts. I may be projecting because I was like that too. I was putting all of my eggs in the baskets of others and one of those baskets was my husband’s.

I am desperate. I am miserable everyday even with seeing our progress. I said in this process I feel like having an affair of my own would help me move forward as right now I am in limbo and would prefer to stay here rather than take a chance.

I don’t see how focusing on your marriage is beneficial to you or your husband when 1) you’re both minimizing,

How am I minimizing?

2) both being dishonest,

I agree somewhat

3) still engaging in unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I have never cheated on my husband before his affair and I have not followed through to a kiss /physical affair. As far as my husband goes he has not been in contact with the affair partner since DDay2 in February.

I really encourage both you and your husband to set boundaries, focus on fixing yourselves, and THEN come back to evaluate.

I agree.

This is not to suggest you are any way at fault for your husband’s behavior. His crap is his crap. You gotta put out your own fire first, YKIM?

Strength to you.

When we drop fear, we can draw nearer to people, we can draw nearer to the earth, we can draw nearer to all the heavenly creatures that surround us. - bell hooks

Mickie500 posted 4/28/2020 11:32 AM

Just checking, aren’t you madhatters?

I don't embrace that title as I have not pursued the AP's beyond the initial coffee with one who lives in LA and haven't seen for months. And the other is through texting and have never gone out with him.

Have you ended your affairs yet? Does your husband know about your APs?

My husband does not know about the two people I reached out to once.

I understand new information will feel devastating - I feel it’s important to work on getting stronger for YOU and then after time has been put into that, evaluating what’s leftover.

I agree with you---I am going back to IC weekly. I think I will stop MC for now.

I feel a lot of desperation in your posts. I may be projecting because I was like that too. I was putting all of my eggs in the baskets of others and one of those baskets was my husband’s.

I am desperate. I am miserable everyday even with seeing our progress. I said in this process I feel like having an affair of my own would help me move forward as right now I am in limbo and would prefer to stay here rather than take a chance.

I don’t see how focusing on your marriage is beneficial to you or your husband when 1) you’re both minimizing,

How am I minimizing?

2) both being dishonest,

I agree somewhat

3) still engaging in unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I have never cheated on my husband before his affair and I have not followed through to a kiss /physical affair. As far as my husband goes he has not been in contact with the affair partner since DDay2 in February.

I really encourage both you and your husband to set boundaries, focus on fixing yourselves, and THEN come back to evaluate.

I agree.

This is not to suggest you are any way at fault for your husband’s behavior. His crap is his crap. You gotta put out your own fire first, YKIM?

Strength to you.

When we drop fear, we can draw nearer to people, we can draw nearer to the earth, we can draw nearer to all the heavenly creatures that surround us. - bell hooks

Mickie500 posted 4/28/2020 11:39 AM

I am sorry but I either don't have fancy access to this sites features or my computer needs and update. I can't delete posts and I can't reply to individual people and I can't separate text to make my responses easier to

Just checking, aren’t you madhatters?

I don't embrace that title as I have not pursued the AP's beyond the initial coffee with one who lives in LA and haven't seen for months. And the other is through texting and have never gone out with him.

Have you ended your affairs yet? Does your husband know about your APs?

My husband does not know about the two people I reached out to once.

I understand new information will feel devastating - I feel it’s important to work on getting stronger for YOU and then after time has been put into that, evaluating what’s leftover.

I agree with you---I am going back to IC weekly. I think I will stop MC for now.

I feel a lot of desperation in your posts. I may be projecting because I was like that too. I was putting all of my eggs in the baskets of others and one of those baskets was my husband’s.

I am desperate. I am miserable everyday even with seeing our progress. I said in this process I feel like having an affair of my own would help me move forward as right now I am in limbo and would prefer to stay here rather than take a chance.

I don’t see how focusing on your marriage is beneficial to you or your husband when 1) you’re both minimizing,

How am I minimizing?

2) both being dishonest,

I agree somewhat

3) still engaging in unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I have never cheated on my husband before his affair and I have not followed through to a kiss /physical affair. As far as my husband goes he has not been in contact with the affair partner since DDay2 in February and has been dedicated to reconciliation efforts.

I really encourage both you and your husband to set boundaries, focus on fixing yourselves, and THEN come back to evaluate.

I agree.

This is not to suggest you are any way at fault for your husband’s behavior. His crap is his crap. You gotta put out your own fire first, YKIM?

Strength to you.

Tigersrule77 posted 4/29/2020 07:45 AM

Why lie? He's a liar. That's what he does.

Also, if he told you "You were yelling at me and I was mad, so I went to talk to AP. I saw the opportunity to nail her again, so I took it. Probably the last time, though. You're cool with that right"? What would your response have been? "Last time? No problem, thanks for the honesty". Doubt it. He was trying to cover his ass.

cocoplus5nuts posted 4/29/2020 10:47 AM

She said she hadn't spoken with him since that Friday.

She hadn't spoken to him since what Friday? The Friday before they hooked up supposedly one last time, or the Friday before your emails with her? Again, she's not a trustworthy person since she got involved with a married man. You can't believe what she says.

You say you haven't cheated because you haven't had any physical contact with any OM. But, you have engaged in what sounds like EA behavior. If that's true, you are madhatters. It doesn't matter if you didn't engage in any A behavior before your CH did. You still went outside your M. That's infidelity.

Finding out this new information puts you right back to square one in terms of R. You haven't really been in R, anyway, if you are withholding info from him about inappropriate relationships you have had, are having. You need to cut contact with the OM(s) and tell your CH so you both can start healthy healing.

Your CH's shit is his to own. Yours is yours. Own it. I agree that you should forgo MC for now and both focus on IC. Once you get yourselves sorted, you can consider R and MC.