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Relapsing

Mickie500 posted 4/27/2020 17:26 PM

Did you forgive your spouse after a relapse or second DDay? third DDay?
When did you stop? What made you give another chance?

The1stWife posted 4/27/2020 19:42 PM

I did give my H a second chance after Ddsy2 and false reconciliation.

He showed me in 30 days he was committed to changing and he showed full remorse and was doing everything possible.

That is the only reason we are still together. He made permanent changes. 7 years later I still see those changes in effect.

ibonnie posted 4/27/2020 20:08 PM

I set a mental deadline of three months. I did not tell my WH. I started getting my ducks in a row -- going to counseling on my own, meeting with lawyers, canceling shared credit cards, etc. Almost at the end of those three months, I saw AP's (affair partner's) name pop up on WH's phone. He tried to lie/deny/gaslight. I checked the phone records, turns out he had been constantly calling and texting her, but only Monday to Friday, 9-5, so I kicked him out and exposed to everyone.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 4/28/2020 08:45 AM

Did you forgive your spouse after a relapse or second DDay? third DDay? What made you give another chance?

Another chance and forgiveness are two different things to me. The second chance was to see if he could change (he could not) and to see if I could forgive (I did not).

Dday-2 was after a year of false R (same married co-worker AP, just taken underground). I informed the OBS (who also worked with them), was begged and plead with to give him another chance, and I decided that, due to work, I could not just move out so I would wait and watch and see if we could work towards R at that time (I had been out of work for awhile and had literally had my first day of a new job w/a 2 year contract when d-day2 happened so I hadn't even gotten my first pay check yet).

Dday-3 was 6 months after d-day2. It was after 3 months of trying to deal with each other to see if I was willing to consider R (he started IC, etc) and then 3 months of false R again (same married coworker AP, still underground). At that point, I knew it was pointless and I switched to in-house IHC. He claimed that he still wanted to R but he didn't really want to I don't think. I think his pretending was a combination of his own guilt, shame, and total unknowing what to do.

When did you stop?

I stopped really thinking about it a year after d-day2 (2 years after the initial discovery of the A, I'm embarrassed to say). We were living in IHC weird limbo, with me waiting out my term of work, and it was fucking miserable...and so long as I pretended to be friends with my WH and we were like roommate/buddies he was okay with my being here. Basically so long as I rug swept he was relatively happy with me. It just got to where I couldn't play that game anymore, so I told him that I just needed to stop and detach from his life and he said that he wanted me to move out as he didn't "want to try anymore". So I was left with feeling like I was lied to and cheated on multiple times, and that he could not give me the respect to have a place to live and get my finances in order if I could not play nice with him all the time.

That was it. So, the decision was his really - cheated on, false Red twice, and dumped. Of course I still live here, and he has since changed his mind (he wants me to stay, wants to R, etc but has not changed much, at least as to WHY he did this)...but I think it was when he said he was done last year that something permanently changed in me. I was able to grieve it for what it was - and limbo was done for me - now the "limbo" is his and not mine. Unless this virus changes my work situation I will be leaving for good in 5 months time, and in all likelihood I will never see him again. It's a weird thing to think about and I'll admit that it makes me sad, even now, but there is no doubt that in order to look out for myself, I have to leave him. He poisoned this place and our relationship to the point that repairing it, if that is even possible, is too much for me. I've given too much and he's taken too much.

I don't know if that answered your question...short answer...I "stopped" after being lied to and kicked in the teeth for 1.5 years of false R and a 6 month A before that.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 8:48 AM, April 28th (Tuesday)]

thatbpguy posted 4/28/2020 09:57 AM

Did you forgive your spouse after a relapse or second DDay? third DDay? What made you give another chance?

I never forgave her, but attempted R after dday1 & dday2. The reason was she was the love of my life and I just couldn't let that go. She was on a pedestal and we just seemed to connect so well in every way. I did the pick me dance.... It was horrible. I wish I had Si back then.

When did you stop?

dday3. Caught her in a car with some dude. She had been telling me she was at a math lab getting help with homework (on Saturdays). All the time she was meeting up with her latest lover. I let them both know I was there, did not punch the guy's lights out as he told me she said she wasn't married and was on parole... So I went home, packed, left. End. Of. Story.

secondtime posted 4/28/2020 14:34 PM

Dday1 was 13 years ago.

Dday2 was 3 years ago.

My husband started slipping 10 years ago, and then just lied to me about it. He didn't ever get to a full-blown relapse, in terms of frequency of his behaviors.

I forgave after Dday1. DDay2 was a dealbreaker, I'm afraid.

I stayed past DDay2 because I was pregnant with #4 (an oopsie that shouldn't exist) and couldn't terminate the pregnancy. I'm the breadwinner and alimony and child support for four kids would eat up quite a bit of my paycheck (about 40% or so).

Aside from DH's addiction, we have a very nice partnership. We get along well. We laugh, we hold hands, we play board games, and parent our children well. We run a household well together.

I'm just not interested in being super vulnerable with my husband anymore. Thankfully, my husband understands.

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