ThisIsSoLonely posted 4/28/2020 09:39 AM

First, I take no pleasure in telling this, at all. The old adage "be careful what you wish for" could not be more appropriate for me. I think it's a healthier place to be (for me) in that it means I don't care that much anymore - I'm moving forward. I used to wish it would all blow up at his work as that is really all he has now...but I don't really care much anymore about that as far as some smug feeling of revenge or whatever goes.

Situation (for the few who don't know) - AP and my WH and the OBS all work together. WH was very good friends with OBS before all this and was actually in AP-OBS's wedding 10 years ago. They all work together and shared the same social circle of work friends, which used to be a very tight knit group of about 20 people who went out after work together, went to each others weddings, kids birthday parties etc. All that is over now.

AP and WH had a 6 month EA/PA while I was temporarily living out of town, replete with "I love yous" and sex multiple times a week, the whole 9 yards except that they did very little except meet up for sex as their work schedules and fear of getting found out made it very difficult. Little to no money was spent "going out" and instead the A was totally closeted. I caught WH in 10/17, who then claimed he had ended the A but took it underground for a year of false R. When false R was discovered I told the OBS, who told me he had believed something was up but could not prove it and that at least 1 person at their work had told him they were suspicious. This was 10/18. I did not tell anyone he knew at work out of respect for the OBS - he had to work there and so I felt it should be his decision whether to blow that up or not - he did not. There is also an issue of all three of their jobs being at risk as the A took place during work most of the time (like 99%) and they broke various protocols that are grounds for termination - they have a very high military security clearance equivalent (although they are not military) and are required to notify management of any breach in policy - whether they are the ones who committed it or not - so technically, the OBS also could be fired as he knows what has happened and has not told.

4/19 the A had resumed yet again (was not happening for 3 months but then it started again). I again figured it out (wasn't hard) and forced WH to tell the OBS himself. After that my WH has been pretty much excluded from work events but no one has said a word about the A, if they know, or not. They all still work together to this day. The OBS is one of the most "popular" people there, as is his wife the AP.

Last week my WH received a text message from one of the more "out of the gossip loop" co-workers who likely has spent an inordinate amount of time on the phone during all of this stay-at-home time, and found out from someone else that there was a big rumor about my WH and the AP's A. The Co-worker in her text point blank asked my WH to confirm or deny a rumor that he had an A with the AP. It was pretty straight forward and sounded like the co-worker did not believe the gossip and expected him to deny it. His workplace is more akin to high school than anywhere I have ever heard of in terms of everyone being in everyone's business...and the gossip there is BRUTAL.

He admitted it straight up and the co-worker stopped responding to him right away, saying she was disappointed in him and that she was done talking to him. Due to the virus his work is very locked down, on reduced schedules, and he has little contact with anyone at work (he is basically working alone, only seeing the new shift for a minute when he leaves or takes over). He is DEPRESSED...accepting of the gossip and rumors and his being cut out of the circle of friends to which the AP (because she and the OBS are still together I suspect) is still a part of. He feels like she is getting off without consequences (which, it's true, she is to this point anyway) and that between the two of them, he is the one who is paying the price - and he says he is "okay" with that - and while I think he is to some level, he is now having to face going back there and the judgment of it all as it's now been confirmed. It's no longer supposition gossip - it's just out there.

Basically, because he didn't just want to admit this to people years ago (as I had suggested), the consequences have been dragged out over time - for years - so he's been living in work limbo for 2+ years now, himself wondering if people know and that is why he is no longer invited to things or if things just aren't happening on the same level as they used to, and now, it's all out in the open. The thing is, I am not jumping for joy about it like I thought I would be. It is just another remnant of his fucking shit show of bad decisions...and now the OBS has to deal with it whether he wants to or not, and for him I feel terrible as I know I would not want to be in his shoes. WH is depressed and trying to put on a good face about it - I was pleased that he just admitted it in his response to the co-worker - no beating around the bush, no blameshifting, no denial - which was all a positive for him...but the destruction of several people (the OBS, the AP, my WH, me, etc) is just so profoundly sad to me. The fact that the last vestiges of my WH's life has changed - that the consequences I so long wanted him to have, came about without my doing, did not give me the feeling of "finally" I thought I would have (aside from his family - he's not close with them so this being out in the open with his entire circle of friends/co-workers is a much bigger deal). I find that I am just sad that any of it happened...and while I am not personally bothered, it doesn't really feel like the big "woo hoo" moment I thought it would be for me. It's just another thud in the night.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 10:49 AM, April 28th (Tuesday)]

BentandBroken posted 4/28/2020 10:12 AM

It's the indifference we strive for, and you appear to have achieved that. Congratulations on your healing journey.

Oddly, as I was reading your post I found myself feeling sorry for your xWH (and I do apologize for this!) and wishing the same bad karma would find the AP! Sounds like there is some rugsweeping going on in that M, but it speaks to your strength that you literally don't care.

Stories like yours are important for those of us who aren't as far along. I hope to be where you are, as soon as I possibly can. I do understand the sadness that it happened at all - what a waste, right?

Thank you for taking the time to share.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 4/28/2020 10:40 AM

I found myself feeling sorry for your xWH (and I do apologize for this!)

No need to apologize - I too feel sorry for him in a tiny way - but I think that is because when the text message came in, he sighed, showed it to me, and then quickly typed his response, showed that to me, and then hit send. There was no hesitation on his end, and that is a big deal for someone who was once willing to protect their own reputation at all costs, and secretly held a lot of disdain for me for telling the OBS (which he later admitted he had felt about me - no matter how fucked up that is), not because he didn't believe the OBS deserved to know (he felt he did) but because it would ruin my WH's own social circle.

Sitting on the other couch, I felt a twinge of empathy for him. Owning it is a big deal - yes - but I'm a realist - it also sucks, big time. The doing of it I mean - understanding consequences in theory is vastly different than living them.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 10:52 AM, April 28th (Tuesday)]

hcsv posted 4/28/2020 11:26 AM

Similar situation

Ex, AP and OBS all worked together. Ex was actually their boss. I didnt tell ex's boss, but it eventually all came out. Ex got fired, AP and OBS were forced out.

Ex worked there for 25 years and was considered family.

The1stWife posted 4/28/2020 13:16 PM

Things the cheater NEVER considers. The aftermath. People finding out. People getting hurt. People being destroyed.

I’m sorry for you and your H because it must be hard for you to watch his pain.

Buster123 posted 5/1/2020 22:57 PM

Things the cheater NEVER considers. The aftermath. People finding out. People getting hurt. People being destroyed.

I disagree, there's a reason why they keep it a secret, many cheaters DO know the destruction the A would bring if discovered yet they still take the plunge and accept the risk, many even keep doing it even after Dday and even after actually seeing some of the destruction they caused, some may not have an idea of the full extent of the damage before Dday but they know there would be plenty of damage done nonetheless.

The1stWife posted 5/2/2020 05:23 AM

I think (and maybe I’m wrong) that in many cases the cheater never considers getting caught. They continue the affair b/c they never expect anyone will find out.

My H had no idea the damage his affair caused.

He just thought I’d “get over it”. Years later he saw how it affected me and he was upset and angry with himself. He saw firsthand the damage that was done yet never thought about it during his affair. Nor did he care about the pain he was causing during his affair.

Because in his affair fog he convinced himself he deserved to be happy.

Rustylife posted 5/2/2020 14:30 PM

I find it hard to have any sympathy for your STBXH as the affair is still ongoing. OBS really is the one whose life is an ongoing mess. You'd be out of this mess after a few months but the poor guy would still be stuck there. That workplace situation(a small team of young professionals working long hours in a stressful job, blurred lines between professional and personal life) is the most common breeding group of affairs. I won't be surprised if this wasn't the first time it happened over there. Sadly it reminded me of my XW and her job. Bit of a trigger really.

I've never worked in a place where the employees are up in each other's business. Plus it is a male dominated field so the men usually keep their distance. Just recently a coworker of mine got divorced. We didn't hear about it till it was all done and dusted. It's what I prefer if I'm being honest.

LadyG posted 5/3/2020 10:27 AM

After reading this post, it actually dawned on me for the very first time, that STBXH’s EX AP has walked away and straight into another A without a second thought of the lifetime pain and suffering that has been inflicted upon my family.

My Family has been destroyed, my life turned upside down. My STBX never had any foresight either. H wrongly thought yet again that I would be there to pick up, shut up but never stand up.

They played silly games of hide and seek from me. I moved out of the family home 11 months ago and 19 months after their A commenced, yet they thought it was important to keep this a secret from me. Even when I moved out 11 months ago I was in the dark about it. They were free to be openly out and together. STBXH Commenced harassing and bullying me. As soon as I moved out he wanted me back. He didn’t want me ever find out. In his mind, I would miss him and run back. He refused MC and R is is impossible. He continues to lies but still hangs onto some fantasy about us leaving this behind. I still maintain that they H and AP were actually perfect for each other.

So yes, the AP Creates irreparable damage in her wake and moves on to the next one. H is now trying to rebuild following a devastating Tsunami all on his lonesome. I far too broken and left incapable of being any assistance. I am focusing on rebuilding myself so I can get to work rebuilding my children. His mess, he needs to clean it up alone this time. 🙏🏼

ThisIsSoLonely posted 5/4/2020 09:17 AM

Sorry for the trigger RustyLife:

I find it hard to have any sympathy for your STBXH as the affair is still ongoing. OBS really is the one whose life is an ongoing mess. You'd be out of this mess after a few months but the poor guy would still be stuck there. That workplace situation(a small team of young professionals working long hours in a stressful job, blurred lines between professional and personal life) is the most common breeding group of affairs. I won't be surprised if this wasn't the first time it happened over there. Sadly it reminded me of my XW and her job. Bit of a trigger really.

No excuses for WH at all. I actually don't think the A is still ongoing now - but I have no idea when it ended or why I feel that way exactly - but I don't have "that" feeling about it anymore. My guess is that it ended later than he claimed but before now. I think it was earlier this year or sometime at the end of last year, but all that is due to his change in behavior. I think it actually has to do with the fact that he told me he was done with "us" and I actually 100% bought into that - as I have said on here him saying that (even though in my mind I did not see a way for us to R anyway) really changed me. I really felt the end of us and mentally moved on...I think it took him a few months to figure out that I was done, and that he and his AP were going nowhere, and to actually look at our relationship without the charcoal colored lenses that he had seen it through for so long. That being said, I DO feel horrible for the OBS - it's a nightmare for him I imagine - but I do not know as aside from a very short email exchange a few months ago, I haven't spoken to him in a year.

It's not the first time it's happened over at his workplace - not by a long shot. When he was in training (before we met) my WH was dating another trainee, and she cheated on him with another co-worker who was in the process of getting divorced. Another co-worker had an A with an unmarried co-worker, got caught, left his wife for the AP, got divorced, the A soon after ended, and he spent the next 7 years trying to get his ex-wife back, and they remarried last year. Those are just the 2 that WH has told me about that I can remember - there have been others. It's a total breeding ground for this crap and it's really just a shit show of a workplace.

I agree with the 1stWife's analysis of this 100%:

I think (and maybe I’m wrong) that in many cases the cheater never considers getting caught. They continue the affair b/c they never expect anyone will find out.

My H had no idea the damage his affair caused.

My WH did not think he would get caught (after being caught 3 times it makes you wonder why he would think that) AND he really had (has) no clue how much damage he caused VIA the false R - for me anyway. I know it sounds crazy but the A I think I could have worked through...but the false R...that is where the torch it and burn it to the ground happens. I think I could have even dealt with a breaking of NC...but to continue it for a YEAR?!?! Um, nope - that shit is damaging beyond words and he still does not get that - and he's listened a lot.

Funny thing is, he seems to be more open to talking about things now - his feelings and mine - and I don't really care to talk much anymore. I feel like I tried talking to him before, when he claimed he wanted to, but really didn't give a shit - and I'm all talked out now.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 9:36 AM, May 4th (Monday)]