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The lost imagined future - Mother's Day

learningtofeel posted 5/10/2020 15:20 PM

I've never really liked Mother's Day. When the kids were little it always felt like such a sham: for ONE DAY their dad would help out and get them to help out too, in celebration of me, as if that made up for the entire rest of the year. Then on Father's Day he wanted to be feted and celebrated and loved. Blech.

So I am surprised by how hard this day is for me. This is my first Mother's Day separated, and it feels like a giant symbol of the destroyed family - the lost imagined future. I can tell myself till the cows come home that it wasn't real. The adorable couple and loving family that appeared to the world was not real. 2019 was hell, and I don't want that back. I know I'm better off (or will be, once I'm through all this).

But still and all, wow, this hurts. I feel full of grief for what I wished I would have. I am alone in my apartment, that my kids have never seen, that was never a family house for them - and instead I should be in my home that they know, with my husband reminiscing about our kids' childhoods. Well, that's the fantasy.

I'll be in touch with the kids today - it's not like they've forgotten Mother's Day. And I treated myself to a delicious brunch that I made myself, and I'll treat myself to a delicious dinner too and a glass of wine and maybe a comfort movie. That will all be okay.

It can be so hard to stay in the present moment, remembering this is all for the better and all the right steps. Hard steps, but right steps. He was never who he said he was, and I'm still learning to live that.

Happy Mother's Day to all y'all moms out there. We're gonna be okay. We're gonna get through this. "Life IS pain, Princess. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something."

Tallgirl posted 5/11/2020 06:29 AM

Big Hugs.

I just had my 2nd separated Motherís Day. It gets easier. Honest.

Big hugs, I am sorry for all of what you have been through.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 6:30 AM, May 11th (Monday)]

LadyG posted 5/11/2020 07:52 AM

I had a doozy of a Motherís... what day? What mother?

Last year, although separated, my children who were living with me, forgot? Gee all the advertising on all media outlets available, somehow didnít reach my children.

They didnít know that we were doing anything?

Acknowledging me, would have been nice...

Since moving to my own Apartment, so WH could have the house back, I constantly remind children of special days, even Fatherís Day... same responses, Ďwhat Fatherís Day, what father?í

This year WH organised for my children to visit me... I ordered food... children reluctantly arrived, whenever...

So, they still blame me for separating from WH and disrupting their fantasy dream home life...

I love them, always will. They are all independent adults.

I set them an example of what results from betrayal, infidelity and abuse and disloyalty.

Hope you had a lovely Sunday with your Children 🙏🏼

learningtofeel posted 5/11/2020 08:54 AM

TallGirl, thank you, that really helps.

LadyG, I'm so sorry. I'm proud of you for living the model your kids need to see, and I hope for all of you that they come to see that, and to value you for you.

In the end I got to talk with two of my three, and the third at least sent a message.

Now it's over! I woke up this morning wondering where I'll be next year (physically, emotionally, maritally). Wherever that is, it won't be the first one anymore.

WhatsRight posted 5/11/2020 09:10 AM

One of my biggest problems has always been that I cannot discern what is what. Your post reminded me of this.

What a great example you are to your kids. "This is not what a marriage is, and these are the consequences of such bad behavior." They are learning by example. Good for you!

In my mind, I went the other way. They know what he did (generally) and that I stayed. So, I'm showing them that you can forgive and keep a family intact.

What I don't know is which scenario is "right"?

I am so envious of people who KNOW what they should do and do it. I always doubt myself.

Deep down in my heart, I think maybe you made the right decision rather than me.

I hope your day was as good as can be expected!!!

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 9:11 AM, May 11th (Monday)]

J707 posted 5/11/2020 09:22 AM

Happy belated Mothers Day to you moms! I'm a Father but wanted to chime in. I remember my "first's" very well. Father's day, birthday's, Christmas etc. It was so hard at first. But after I started going through all the major holidays it became easier, more of the normal. I didn't see my son, his 16th bday, for the first time in my life since he was born. Fresh off of Dday and exww took my kids along with AP to Disneyland, yep she did the Disneyland Mom thing. I spent my birthday that year alone so I drove to the beach and tried to enjoy my own company. But the day passed. This year is the third go around for me since we separated and divorced. So just know that you will have the first's but it will pass and it becomes normal, whatever normal is now.

learningtofeel posted 5/11/2020 09:41 AM

Dear Whatsright - I don't think it's either/or. I think you figure out what works for your own "solid self" (as my therapist calls it). I tried reconciling: forgiveness, couples therapy, showing my kids what commitment means. But that ended in a second D-day. So now I'm showing my kids what integrity means and what it means to balance my needs and my commitment. I want them to have the courage of commitment and compassion of forgiveness and also the courage to stand on their own if their partner is abusive or won't do their part.

Also you can make the right decision for yourself ANY TIME.

BentandBroken posted 5/11/2020 14:27 PM

Thank you for this post. I thought it was just me. Never expected to get the "blahs" on Mother's Day.

I am blessed to have heard from all 4 of the kids, and thankful for that. It took me by surprise that I would even think of xWH even though it is the first Mother's Day without him.

Bingo posted 5/11/2020 16:13 PM

I was surprised that Mother's Day bothered me, too. I guess all holidays are going to feel that way for a while.

During this 8 month period of hell for me and my family, I have shared everything with my son and daughter and my two granddaughters. I moved out after two months of trying to get my XWH to break contact. I kept trying to make it work even though I was 3 hours away and I did some really stupid things that I was ashamed of, which I shared with my kids and grandkids. After what XWH did, I knew they thought I was crazy to have any contact with him whatsoever...and they were probably right.

So many times, I felt ashamed that I shared certain things with them. I worried they would judge me unfairly.

I was wrong. This Mother's Day, my granddaughter and I had a long talk. And she told me she was amazed at my courage, my humility, my honesty, and my show of commitment to my husband and my marriage. She thanked me for sharing everything with her (she's 19), how it made her feel like an adult. And she would use everything I shared to guide her through life.

She wanted to be just like me......

So many times, you ask yourself "Why am I being put through this?"

Maybe this is why...

Tallgirl posted 5/11/2020 20:27 PM

Love that thought Bingo. May be that is why.

hopefullife posted 5/15/2020 00:25 AM

Mother's Day kinda was a trigger for me for two reasons. One, AP is celebrating her first mother's day with my x and their 1yr old son. Two, I'm not sure if I'll ever have my own. Maybe will just adopt pets and kids in the future.

Hope for a better Mother's Day moving forward, for all of us.

Louisianalisa posted 5/16/2020 21:16 PM

learningtofeel, 2019 was the year from hell for me too. We lost our only child seven years ago (I miscarried at twelve weeks) and so Mother's Day is a huge trigger for me. I stay far far away from all social media for most of May. I just can't see all of the happy perfect kids and the happy perfect moms and the happy perfect brunches and gifts and flowers, etc...

Every year after my miscarriage my husband would take me out to brunch on Mother's Day. A yearly ritual I treasured. This year was our first year being separated. No Mother's Day brunch this year, or ever again. I could not even go to church that day (thank you covid-19) and so there was no comfort or consolation of any kind that day.

I lost my mother last year, and so that made it even sadder ths year. I made the day special by calling my godmother and having a good long catch-up with her.

WH texted me "Happy Mother's Day" in a text. I could not get any consolation from that. I deleted it with no reply. His OW has two young kids, and who knows what he did for her on Mother's Days during the course of their affair and now.

[This message edited by Louisianalisa at 9:17 PM, May 16th (Saturday)]

Simplicity posted 5/19/2020 17:11 PM

I first started hating mother's day a year out after trying, and still not conceiving. I wanted to punch every stranger that wished me a happy mother's day (does every man over 30 get wished a happy father's day?!). My X confessed his infidelity right as I had started hormone treatment for IVF after many months of trying with just IUIs. When we finally divorced, I wondered (still wonder) if motherhood will be something I ever experience. I do not enjoy mother's day. My mother died when I was in college, and I still grieve that. So now I grieve that, I grieve my divorce, and I grieve my struggle to find someone to try again. It's ok not to feel great on Mother's day no matter what the reason.

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