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I can't make myself determine it is time......

Impacted posted 5/20/2020 23:45 PM

I am so afraid......
I love my husband but I can't trust him. No matter how I have tried to get past his indiscretions I cant do it (probably because I know he is still lying to me and every day is another betrayal).
He seems to love me......I know you are all going to say no he does not if he cant give you the truth but I think he is just too much a coward and thinks he can get away with it.
How do I do this.......we are not financially secure to each buy another house right now due to certain things in our life I cant post about as would give an identity to who I am.
How can I ever get over hurting my children and changing their perspective on marriage?
How would I ever trust someone again? I don't want to spend the next 40 or more years by myself.
I dont want to upset people around me......

Just how do you make that first move.....

I am sorry for rambling I am just so tired of being tired about all this........

Throwaway999 posted 5/21/2020 05:42 AM

I am so sorry you are in so much pain...I am not separated or divorced yet but I am facing a life alone in my future. I know others will be along with insightful advice. What I do know....you deserve better. You kids will be okay....kids are resilient and thrive more with a happy parent. They will see you as a strong, confident women who can face hardship head on with integrity.

Try reading the pinned thread ďfear vs realityĒ. Itís a great thread. You will get through this...you are strong and it will take time but you will figure it out. You deserve peace in your life.

Okokok posted 5/21/2020 07:07 AM

Hi, sorry you're going through all of this. A lot of us went through similar.

There is a post called "Fear vs. Reality" pinned to the top of this forum. You may find some of it helpful.

Of course, I and everyone else can sit here and tell you all about the beautiful post-divorce (and post-infidelity-laden-relationship) realities, but it will be difficult for you to believe/internalize until you walk the walk.

But I hope you open up to the fact that it's possible there is something amazing waiting for you on the other side.

I had the exact same fears. Same thoughts about my wife. And so on. Everything is so much better now, I can hardly believe I was ever that person having those thoughts and feelings just a few years ago. But it's a path you have to travel for yourself.

Just how do you make that first move.....

It's like jumping into a cold lake on the perfect night. It's hard no matter how perfect the night is, no matter how long and hot the day was. But then you do it, and it's an amazing thing, and you float around, and your core temperature drops. The stress of the day falls away for a while. You come back to shore, towel off, the sun lowers, the fireflies are out, you come home to your made bed and perfectly clean room, say goodnight to the dog, and sleep better than you have in months.

But that first jump was still really hard. Worth it, intellectually the right move, but tough to execute.

I will clue you in on something: *filing* for divorce is not the same as *getting* a divorce. It's not something to fear. It's turning a stack of papers over to a blank-faced clerk who stamps them. That's it. It's the beginning of a long process that you can choose to stop at any time.

But it's a step. It's something that gives you some control, it demonstrates your real intentions, it changes your paradigm. If after a month, six months, a year, it doesn't feel right, you can put the brakes on. If it's feeling more and more right over time, you can keep going.

It's a step worth taking, no matter where you end up in the end.

[This message edited by Okokok at 7:53 AM, May 21st (Thursday)]

nekonamida posted 5/21/2020 10:08 AM

He seems to love me......I know you are all going to say no he does not if he cant give you the truth but I think he is just too much a coward and thinks he can get away with it.

I agree with you. The problem is his love does not include honesty. It is based on what is convenient for him. It does not include what's best for you. Is that a love that you want? It sounds like you do not. Most people don't.

How can I ever get over hurting my children and changing their perspective on marriage?

You tell them the truth in an age appropriate manner. You show them that it's okay to leave a marriage when your spouse doesn't treat you well. You show them that you don't have to stay married and take abuse. That's not a bad lesson to learn and it's a much better lesson to teach than to stay in a bad marriage indefinitely and to sacrifice themselves for their selfish spouses.

There's a great thread stickied at the top of this forum called Fear vs Reality. Read through it. You will see many people had the same fears as you did and in reality, things worked out much better for them.

You can start by seeing a lawyer and getting an idea of what D would look like even if you're not ready to file. The situation will probably be a lot different than you're imagining - each taking half and buying a new house. Why not stay in your house if you can swing it? He can rent. He can downsize. He isn't owed another house if he can't afford it post-D. There are more options here than you realize.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 5/21/2020 12:44 PM

This is a perfect description of my WH as well:

The problem is his love does not include honesty. It is based on what is convenient for him. It does not include what's best for you. Is that a love that you want? It sounds like you do not. Most people don't.

It is the problem for me - I don't trust my WH...not on a daily basis and not in every aspect. I trust him 100% about finances. I trust him 100% when it comes to the care of our pets. I trust him 100% about a lot of things and right now I don't think he's lying about much of anything. But, I don't trust him at all to remain honest if something is hard or difficult regarding us. I don't trust him to respect me when it really counts. I don't trust him to want to do that for me all day everyday, even when shit is hard.

My WH is the perfect "vacation" husband. If things are great, we are great - he is great. We laugh. We have fun. We are happy together. But when things are bad or difficult or he's feeling unhappy about himself - look out. I will not only be thrown to the wayside, but largely forgotten to boot.

In a nutshell - I thought I was going to be a partner with him - we were going to be "equals" in this relationship...and that was the case for me in relation to him. But to him, he was always first and always will be - and that isn't enough for me. It sounds like it's not enough for you either.

HalfTime2017 posted 5/21/2020 14:00 PM

Impacted, I would suggest you read the Fear vs Reality thread. It provides you with real life stories of people on here who have gone thru exactly what you are feeling right now.

I'm going to tell you that you may think that your Husband loves you, and the reality is that he may in his own way love you in some form or way. What you need to realize is that LOVE is not the same for everyone. The way that you love him is not the same as the way that YOU love him. Is that something you can live with?

Its important to reframe our understanding of LOVE and RELATIONSHIPS after an infidelity event like we all have. Love for ourselves and love for our family, spouse and friends. Your husband may love you in some way, but as you said its cowardly and to be honest, thats just not my definition of love. You need to determine if that is the type of love you're willing to accept. Frankly, its bullshit. I think its more like he loves himself way more than he loves you and the marriage. Is that something you're willing to deal with for the next 40 yrs. You've been on this ride for 3 yrs now. Those are 3 precious yrs in your 40s.

The fears that you have about the next 40 yrs is not the way to think about things. You need to take it one step at a time. Make an outline of what you want to accomplish, and check off your list.

The1stWife posted 5/21/2020 14:20 PM

I would rather spend the next 40 years alone (happily) than being with someone who disrespects me and lies to me.

StillLivin posted 5/21/2020 14:49 PM

First, YOU did not hurt your kids, your husband did that all by himself. You can stay and teach them that it is acceptable to be disrespected and used, or you can leave and show them that a person should expect better for themselves.
Second, where there is a will, there is a way. You may have to implement planning and saving up to get your ducks in a row, but you can survive without two incomes.
Third, no, love isn't based on lies and disrespect. It's just not. THAT is not love. He may care for you, and this may be the closest he will ever get towards love, but his failings aren't your problem. What he calls love, everyone else calls dysfunction. And that kind of "love" is extremely toxic for both you and your kids (to witness). Please don't normalize toxic to your children.
Your perspective, "I just don't want to upset people around me", is all kinds of messed up. Nobody wants to intentionally go out of their way to cause discord, but protecting yourself isn't doing that. You should be much more angry that he, or others, are upsetting YOU! Where is your anger? You have been wronged. He should be the one upset with himself that he did this to you. Start making yourself the priority, kind of like he's been doing all along. FTN.
Again, please start prioritizing YOUR needs.

Dish posted 5/23/2020 11:16 AM

Thisissoloney-
Wow. You nailed it. He's my perfect vacation husband. When things are going well he's great. But when life gets tough off he goes into his own little world of secrets. This thread has helped me a lot. This site is helping me a lot. He left at my request on May 1st after 24 years of marriage and almost 30 years together. My son told me he's been having an affair for over two years. And it's not the first time. He claims its all EA so it's ok?

This is going to be a hard long road with three teenage kids, one with special needs. and he is the primary wage earner. But I can't keep compromising my SELF for the sake of family togetherness anymore.

skeetermooch posted 5/23/2020 11:54 AM

Impacted, You've gotten great advice here.

You and your children pay a price for loving someone you can't trust. I've been doing it for awhile. It takes a lot of work, energy and time to suppress my suspicions and pain and get on with my day. I've lost countless hours to snooping, more still to crying, journaling and talking about what he's done and is doing. I'm not fully present for my son when I'm fighting the pain and angst of wondering what he's up to. I'm not productive at work. I don't take proper care of myself or other relationships. It takes nearly all of my energy to manage the feelings of sadness, betrayal and fear that his behavior causes.

It's no way to live. And it's nothing to model for our children.

BrokenheartedUK posted 5/23/2020 12:02 PM

Many of us have been afraid to end of the marriage, but many of us have jumped off that cliff and have found a sense of relief in so doing. I know I did. And my Ex and I still loved each other when I ended it, but in the end I decided that I needed to love myself more. I accepted that the M would never be better for me, that I had had enough and that was that.

How can I ever get over hurting my children and changing their perspective on marriage?

You haven't hurt the children, your WS has. And you won't change their perspective, your WS will. What you don't want to teach your children is that they are not entitled to respect, that actions have no consequences and that a spouse has to suck up whatever shit is thrown at them in a M because that's M. My kids all knew about my Ex's A, and they all knew when I ended the M because of his continued deceit and not once, ever, have they questioned my decision to D.

My parents are still married, it seemed almost inconceivable that I would D, but in the end, it was the best decision for myself and my children to get out of that toxic relationship.

Impacted posted 5/23/2020 22:16 PM

Thank you everyone.
The thing about my kids and everyone is I have told
only 1 person (my best friend). No one else has a clue including my children as I debated for so long on staying and if
I stayed I did not want anyone to be judging me for staying or judging him for doing this. I am a very private person and donít share a lot with people and this is something I canít just share with people. If you asked everyone we knew if anyone wanted a good marriage they would likely point to us🙁. He is the man who does whatever I ask around the house, is amazing with the kids, helpful, I have full access to his phone and very loving to me. I know that sounds crazy but he is. Besides for the lying of what has happened He has been a pretty amazing husband and that is why this is so hard for me.

I have read the pinned post and it has gave me some
hope. Okokok your analogy was like you knew my life. Thank you.

Thank you everyone for chiming in......

SheWrote posted 5/25/2020 09:35 AM

Impacted... first off, I am SO sorry you are going through this. And trying to navigate through all of it on your own, you are SO strong!!! I think there is a lot of great advice here and I would suggest spending time really writing out your plan. I would also like to ask if you have ventured into any counseling both as a couple and individually, as there is alot to sort through, no matter what you final course of action is. What do you want? And what can you live with? If you decide to fight for your marriage, do it with everything you have, but be sure to set clear boundaries for you husband and communicate clearly with him what you are feeling and what you need. Time is often the best healer... there is hope for your future!

betrayedafter20 posted 6/1/2020 12:00 PM

Impacted

So, so very sorry. I very much can relate to where you are. I'm not sure how long you were married or how old your kids are. I am newer here am just a little ahead of you in process so maybe can offer insight.

I imagine you even hesitated to come to the divorce/separation forum - like "do I belong here?"

Just how do you make that first move.....
What Ok said is the truth and I read that before I did it:
It's like jumping into a cold lake on the perfect night. It's hard no matter how perfect the night is, no matter how long and hot the day was. But then you do it, and it's an amazing thing, and you float around, and your core temperature drops. The stress of the day falls away for a while. You come back to shore, towel off, the sun lowers, the fireflies are out, you come home to your made bed and perfectly clean room, say goodnight to the dog, and sleep better than you have in months.

What I would like to add is that what that looks like for each person is completely relative. For me, baby steps are/were best and the very first one was very, very tiny - but it bore the same significance for me as if I had gone to the courthouse and filed papers.

Even after Dday#2, my WH was still sleeping in my bed. I knew at some point in the very near future the separation was looming, I was just paralyzed. I wanted to take control and be the one to begin the process - but on some level was hoping he would force it because it seemed overwhelming difficult for me to make that move
(was still trying to navigate the trauma of discovery and weirdly needed him to comfort me) But then two weeks later, after he claimed to be NC, I found him physically at AP's house.

That night, close to bedtime - I said, "I think it's best you sleep in another room tonight".

I do think it took that last horrible discovery to make me angrier/stronger. I'm not saying to look for trouble, but if you do find something else out, it kind of puts you in that place of "that's it, that's the last straw". Maybe you're already there and just taking your deep breath before moving forward.

It was one of the hardest things I've ever done - but it was enough of an event to emotionally and mentally jump of the cliff. I knew in that moment, that if I could do that, then I would be able to be strong enough to not let him come back to the bedroom the next night, or any night after that. For me, that's when I began to feel empowered. When you take your first step, whatever that is for you - it will be empowering enough to propel you the next part. I like SheWrote's idea of writing the steps out..

The next step for me was two weeks later - when we got in fight and I said, "you need to leave this house" and he yelled back "it's my house". But in the morning, he said "I think it's best I find somewhere else to live". I had asserted myself enough that it was the next step. We took our time for a month figuring that step out without telling the kids yet.

How can I ever get over hurting my children and changing their perspective on marriage?

I hear you :( By far, for me, this was absolutely the most difficult step of all - the telling the kids.

Sooo difficult - I actually threw up that morning - but IMO it is the most freeing point of all. I can tell you that you build it up in your mind so much more than the reality, (I even still project that it will somehow cause them to abuse substance or some other horrible thing) and in our family there had NEVER been a divorce. But I know we can only control so much. One word though, HONESTY.

This is going to sound cliche and you'll hear it over and over "kids are resilient" this really doesn't help us - BUT having just gone through this part - mine are doing waaaay better than I had imagined they would be. I think a lot of it has to do with how you will present it - not sure the ages of your kids - and how you follow up afterward, and how you handle each situation as it surfaces. The wise and experienced ones here on SI have advised me that your kids will need you as the BS to be their dependable source of the TRUTH no matter what, because they cannot depend on WS for that. And if they are too young to know too much, at some point they will find out - and may resent you if they think you covered up anything.

IMO - you will not be changing their perspective on marriage. On the contrary - you will be staying true to what marriage SHOULD be. and they will eventually see that example - not the example that you should stay in a marriage based on lies and abuse. Reminding myself of that truth is how I am getting through this process.

I check in every few days with how they're feeling, etc. example: "This weekend felt strange in the evenings because dad wasn't here, what do you guys feel like? I know there were arguments often, and that didn't always feel safe, so I know it's best. But this change is hard for me because it was our normal for a long time so I'm a little sad about tonight. What are you guys thinking about it?" This has so far created dialogue and usually good comes out of it - they feel safe sharing because they see that mom is a human being and not pretending everything is easy and perfect but still hopefully setting the example that when someone is being mistreated or disrespected it is NOT okay.

Let yourself feel everything ((Hugs)) you can do this.

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