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Going to file now, he lied again

Summer1976 posted 5/31/2020 12:37 PM

Just found out my WH lied again. He couldnít just be honest and tell me that he couldnít check in on the kids while I was out because he was with his girlfriend. I since found out, confronted him and admitted he wasnít truthful.

Iíve had enough and contacted a lawyer today. I need financial stability. I think itís going to be complex and we have already argued about it. I paid off our mortgage with money I inherited 10 years ago and I donít want him taking that from me, I donít trust him anymore.

He blamed me again and said if Iíd been a good wife he wouldnít have left me. There is nothing good about me. He has made me feel like a horrible person again.

I have decided our children need one stable parent. I just want to spend the next 10 years focussed on them.

WhoTheBleep posted 5/31/2020 12:43 PM

I'm so sorry. And don't you dare internalize the crap he said to you. he lied because he wanted to. He cheated because he wanted to. None of that had anything to do with you.

See an attorney immediately. Unfortunately, depending on the laws of your state, he may be entitled to your inheritance that you put into the house. You'll have to make peace with that. But perhaps you can negotiate something else for yourself in the settlement.

Onward. Your life is moving forward. Without lies. Whatever else happens, this is a good thing.

BearlyBreathing posted 5/31/2020 13:01 PM

What an asshat. V glad you are filing - he is not going to change. I am so angry that he is trying to blame you. NONE of his cheating has anything to do with you. NONE.

What a jerk.

This sucks, but you are doing the right thing. He just isnít capable of being a decent human.

Phoenix1 posted 5/31/2020 13:42 PM

You are doing the right thing. He has shown you who he is. Believe him.

I'll echo what Bleep said about the house. Xhole was furious about the fact that I wanted the marital home and all equity even though he used inheritance for a very hefty down payment. I had to educate him about our state's divorce laws - if inheritance is used to "benefit the marriage," it becomes marital property subject to settlement. So yes, I got the house and all equity and he got other assets to offset.

On the flipside, he countered saying he wanted half the value of some very expensive antiques I inherited. Those antiques have always just sat on a shelf in a cabinet, i.e., did not benefit the marriage in anyway so they were exempt from settlement. Was he pissed off? You betcha. And I laughed.

Moral to the story - do your homework or talk to attorney to find out your jurisdiction's laws. Knowledge is power.

Stay strong!

xswimmer posted 5/31/2020 16:48 PM

It really does depend on state laws. In California I put doen a huge chunk of my money for down payment on our house, and I got all of it back in the divorce.

Anna123 posted 5/31/2020 18:12 PM

Sorry you have to file but good you are moving forward in the circumstances.

Either way the inheritance payment turns out as marital property or not, just in case, don't tell him you accept that (don't bring it up at all until it comes up). You never know. Stay solid that you expect it to all be yours as a starting point, even if legally it isn't that way.

Muggle posted 5/31/2020 18:20 PM

He blamed me again and said if Iíd been a good wife he wouldnít have left me. There is nothing good about me. He has made me feel like a horrible person again.

If you allow him to make you the villain in this fractured fairy tale then you need to realize the choices others make are their own responsibility. You can't make someone cheat, they choose to cheat, and being a "good wife" has nothing to do with right and wrong.

He's blame shifting in an effort to bolster his ego at your expense. See him clearly for what he has shown you he is. You aren't the horrible person in this, he is.

He has no power that you don't give him. We empower our abusers by absorbing their bad behaviors as a reflection as to who we are. His actions don't define you, they define HIM.

You have to realize that there's NO EXCUSE for infidelity, EVER. NONE, ZERO, ZIP, ZILCH.

If you didn't like what the attorney said today, consult with another. Start gathering documents needed. Google what you need for divorce, and extend your search to include what others wished they'd included or remembered. Expect this process to be draining and emotionally charged.

Once you go down this road, it's a business transaction. No emotional decisions, give no quarter. You owe him nothing more than what the law dictates.

This is the first step for you. Keep posting, and talking. The road is filled with potholes, and upsets, but a new life awaits on the other side.

Keep your chin up and remember you are worthy, beautiful, a wonderful person, and deserving of devotion, love and respect. It begins with YOU.

Summer1976 posted 6/1/2020 02:18 AM

Thank you all for the support.

He says heíd rather live in the house with the children. I asked where I would go and he didnít reply. I think it would be more convenient for him for me to drop off the planet.

He got his new gf, buddies and family in his corner . I have no one.

cactusflower posted 6/1/2020 08:29 AM

Sure he wants to live in the house - very easy for him, nothing is upended. I wouldn't appease him for one second. I would make his life a living hell.

Pick a good lawyer and let him/her be your champion.

josiep posted 6/1/2020 09:24 AM

He says heíd rather live in the house with the children. I asked where I would go and he didnít reply. I think it would be more convenient for him for me to drop off the planet.

He got his new gf, buddies and family in his corner . I have no one.

Oh no, you don't. You have US and we're mightier than anyone who is immoral, unethical and stupid enough to stay in his corner. Never, ever forget that. And as you heal from the trauma that being with him has caused you, you will find yourself again and you'll be beautiful and calm and serene and oh, so much too good for the likes of him and his cronies.

I have company coming shortly and I really don't have time to typing this but your statement struck such a chord in me,I decided that letting my company arrive before I've unloaded the dishwasher and vacuumed the first floor is not as important as being in your corner right now.

I have lots of advice I'd like to give you about how to move forward but others will be along soon to do that and I'll check in again later. But the most important thing is, quit discussing anything with him. Time for the 180 (read the Healing Library in the left side links) and time to start restricting all communications with him to email and text only. Do not say anything about him to the kids and hold your head up high, grit your teeth and know that you have a team of 70,000+ people who have been through this who know your pain and would love nothing more than to help you get past it as cleanly and quickly as possible. Hug your children, assure them you'll all be OK and call every good divorce attorney in town to get consultations. You want to find the one who's the biggest pitbull in your area, not to hurt your WH but to protect you and your children.

Hang in there. You are about to start a very bumpy ride and I know it'll be hard but it's like the caterpillar working it's way out of the coccoon - has to shed some stuff to get to the best parts.

Sign up for a class or a new hobby or something, anything, that starts you moving in a new direction.

Summer1976 posted 6/1/2020 10:57 AM

Josie that has brought a lump to my throat. I am so grateful to you and everyone who has replied. I am waiting for the lawyer to contact me.

I was extremely low this morning thinking he would rather delete me and put the new woman in my place in our home. Sheís already going on trips in our RV with him! RV we bought for our adventures. He is so selfish.

Told myself this morning that I need to get up off my knees and fight back.

You guys make me feel like I am not alone in this. Thank you thank you thank you. xxxxx x x x xxxxxxx

ZenMumWalking posted 6/1/2020 11:08 AM


You are doing the right thing - he is NEVER going to 'get it'.

Don't just take any lawyer, you are going to need a SHARK to deal with your asshole. I just know he is going to fight everything tooth and nail and yours will be a high conflict D. Get a few recommendations and consults if you can. It will really benefit you down the road.

Don't worry about the house or anything that comes out of his useless mouth. Once you get a L you will know what to expect in a D, and I can guarantee you that it's not ANYTHING that he proposes to you.

Hang in there, you are taking the right steps and you WILL get through this. You are NOT alone, ok?


Anna123 posted 6/1/2020 12:52 PM

He says heíd rather live in the house with the children

Well wouldn't that just be so nice for him. Geeze. The lawyer will be telling you to stay put. Sorry about the RV, I can relate. We had one and it was so sad telling my son we wouldn't be going as a family anymore. One of my gut wrenching memories. Now that yours is defiled you will at least be able to get half it's value to put towards your new life. So sorry you are dealing with this.

HalfTime2017 posted 6/1/2020 13:01 PM

FTG 1976. He has a girlfriend? Yea you needed to file yesterday.

I agree with Josiep. You need to 180 and NC hard. Gather up your paperwork and start the process without sharing anything with him. He is now your enemy in the eyes of the court. You will both be on different sides. Never share anything about the case with your enemy.

Let him blame all he wants. You just want to make sure that if you have those things in text or email, keep them. If he keeps telling you how shitty you are, let that keep coming. use that info to your advantage in the divorce and custody battle.

Planetx posted 6/1/2020 17:26 PM

Don't let him get to you with that not being a good wife crap. They all spew that nonsense. He seriously couldn't leave his girlfriend to check in on your kids? File right away! Your lawyer will have more info on how to split the house, I hope it goes in your favor!

Booyah posted 6/3/2020 00:26 AM

"I have no one"?

You have your kids and that's ALL that matters!!!

josiep posted 6/4/2020 04:53 AM

How are things going?

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