Lighthousegrl posted 6/6/2020 01:46 AM

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted but Ive been here almost daily reading others posts , taking mental notes for guidance.
My update : I’ve been shamelessly holding on to hope.
And I’m sure most would classify it as the silent pick me dance. Silent. Passive.
I’m guilty of wanting him to change his mind. Guilty of waiting /watching to see the slightest change of heart.
To want him to want reconciliation.

After a year of separation coparenting and DD (now 9) struggling with this all ~I’ve been hoping and praying ~we’d turn this around....
Well. Today he sent an email with info on a local mediator he identified for us to use.
I’m back to feeling the deep pain the loss and horrific memories of the discard. The lies, the coldness the disappearing, the toss away.
25 years together. Married 22.

I don’t want to mediate.
I’m seeking advice from you all.
I’m so emotionally rundown that I’m scared I’ll just give in to this -what he is asking for. I’m afraid/ Im leaning towards “he’s right-“it’s cheaper and we have no assets “ but I’m torn between ? am I again caving with silent hope/have I become so passive bc I’m still holding on....?
I’m afraid if I agree to mediation ~ I’ll regret not having representation~ someone in my corner.
Idk. I’m sorry I’m all over the place.
Why am I still needing reminders -that yes-reality is~ he’s done. That yes ~ he left~ and chose the exit path via affair ?
I suppose I put off the reality /the not wanting to face ~ that yes~ he just didn’t love me.
I’ve been in counseling. My therapist isn’t surprised that I’m still struggling with it all. He believes the STBXH apathy/the absence of any feeling toward me ~is the most difficult for me to understand /accept.

?anyone have mediation experience to share with me
Has anyone started with mediation ~ then decided to get their own attorney ?

gmc94 posted 6/6/2020 02:23 AM

Have you considered finding an attorney and get his/her opinion on mediation, as well as referrals for a mediator that is not the person your WS chooses? Also, if it were me, I'd want a lawyer to review whatever agreement you come to in mediation.

It sounds like you may not be in a good place emotionally to not have someone in your corner.

Devastatedwife01 posted 6/6/2020 07:02 AM

Hello,
I would not go to mediation. I was told when there are high emotions or children involved you should get your own representation.

I filed for divorce a couple weeks ago. While we don’t have a lot of assets-most important to me is my children and custody.

I know my attorney will fight for what I want, and what I deserve.

My cheating husband initially said I could have the max custody, he said he would pay all of our bills, he would let me keep the house and equity. Well guess who has now changed his mind. He cheated, he lied, and he is still lying.

But definitely, 100% get your own representation no matter the cost. When I filed I can’t even tell you how strong it made me knowing that I had someone in my corner, who would do right by me.

I’m sorry for what you’re going through.

josiep posted 6/6/2020 07:36 AM

What has happened to you is a huge trauma and you are still reeling from it. Your brain and your heart aren't working together very well right now because they're each trying to protect a different part of you from despicable behavior from the person you trusted most in this world. It will take them awhile to get back in sync.

So please accept the words of the posters before me - you are in no position to be making decisions; getting an attorney is the only way things will turn out all right in the end for you. And please, please, please - get the sharpest pitbull of an attorney you can find. Your STBXH is an accomplished liar who has proven that he cares only for himself and his woo-hoo. He looks like the man you once loved, he sounds like the man you once loved, but he isn't him.

Get an attorney and let him/her go for the jugular in order to protect your child's financial future.

Planetx posted 6/6/2020 07:56 AM

I would get an attorney. I’m not sure how things work in your state, but I have mediation on July 1st and I don’t even have to attend. My lawyer will do all the talking for me. I couldn’t imagine navigating this by myself. She helped me ask for a lot of things I did not think of. Please don’t listen to stbx, he does not have your best interests at heart.

Lighthousegrl posted 6/6/2020 09:16 AM

Thank you all for your kind responses. I am going to speak with an attorney this week.
I know I’ll eventually be ok.
I thought I was further along with being ready for this.
I wish I didn’t still feel the pain. Or at least -less of it.
The heartbreak. The anxiety. The fear.
I know I’ll be ok eventually.

josiep posted 6/6/2020 11:38 AM

Thank you all for your kind responses. I am going to speak with an attorney this week.
I know I’ll eventually be ok.
I thought I was further along with being ready for this.
I wish I didn’t still feel the pain. Or at least -less of it.
The heartbreak. The anxiety. The fear.
I know I’ll be ok eventually.

Sadly, we all know exactly what you're saying and how you're feeling. But the good news is, we're all here for you and yes, you will be ok one day. And with the help of a good attorney, that day will be sooner rather than later.

And that's good not only for you but for your child. Hang in there, the worst is over and how can you go wrong now that you have an army of comrades to help you through the rest of it.

Ratpicker posted 6/6/2020 18:08 PM

Lighthousegrl, in some states & some jurisdictions, mediation must be attempted prior to getting any kind of hearing in front of a judge. So mediation attempt may not be a bad thing but I sure wouldn't just go with a mediator of his choosing. This is a question for your appointment with attorney. And find out who pays the hourly fee for the mediator.

For example, I was required to have mediation but it had to be a mediator on the official Alternate Dispute Resolution list. I know a woman (& her X) who agreed to use their financial advisor as the mediator. They came to an agreement, filed it with the court, judge signed off, done. Only she got a very raw deal that an official mediator never would have set up. Her X got asset Z and she got all the silver (that was in his possession). Judge would have no idea that it hadn't been valued or counted so it seemed fair and he signed off. She got a few silver coins not the thousands she knew had previously been in the collections. No recourse. If you don't have an attorney with you at mediation, you shouldn't agree to anything at the first meeting. Just that you will take it under consideration. Then see if you can pay an attorney to consult with you.

LadyG posted 6/6/2020 20:17 PM

I’ve been shamelessly holding on to hope

Take it from someone who was ‘hopelessly holding onto shame’

Get your Lawyer involved.

Go through the necessary steps of meditation if it’s a requirement.

But give yourself time.

My STBXWH shows remorse for all the awful things that he disclosed about A, but NO REMORSE for his actions.

He still feels his actions were justified.

I still want a Divorce.

Muggle posted 6/6/2020 22:20 PM

I’m afraid if I agree to mediation ~ I’ll regret not having representation~ someone in my corner.
Idk. I’m sorry I’m all over the place

Mediation can be with or without representation. I HIGHLY and STRONGLY recommend having an attorney. This is where they earn their money. They look for the wording that makes it all binding, the pitfalls and areas that will be a legal nightmare if not in order. They do this for a living and are committed to getting you what you deserve and making sure the documents are enforceable and binding.

I wasn't married for our 23 year committed intimate relationship, but we had one 2 hour joint mediation that didn't cost us anything. We both had our attorneys there, and did NOT reach any resolution.

The second mediation was for 8 hours and we had to be in separate rooms with our attorneys. The retired judge that did the mediation went back and forth as we reached agreement on minor things and fought over the business buyout and the house. The judge stayed mostly in the room with my attorney and I as he said my ex's attorney was "earning his money" trying to "keep him out of the weeds". He used this term to describe when things get ugly and off topic. More like who kicked whose cat metaphorically. He said my demeanor was pleasant and I was smiling so he preferred to be in our room.

I won't lie I was terrified, and the smile and calm I showed was fake. My entire future was going to be decided in that room, and I was shaking inside. I came into the building that day with nothing, no pen, no notes and only the thought that I was going to hold my head up and not let him see me flinch or cry.

You have to take this one moment in time, and make it a business transaction. You can't make strong, long term financial decisions when you are emotional or having warm fuzzy thoughts about how it will impact him. You are the ONLY focus in this situation, other than your children if you have any.

My situation was highly volatile. If we didn't come to terms in this mediation we were scheduled for trial. I knew I didn't have the money for trial, and he didn't either. He threw out a threat that he would come after the house if I went to trial on the grounds it came from a settlement he had. The judge told me he thought my ex had a 20% chance of being successful.

I didn't want to take the chance. I stood to gain far more money going to trial, but I was emotionally spent, and destroyed inside. I didn't want to fight anymore. My ex knew I could hire a forensic accountant and decimate his claims, but to do so I would have to pay $30K-$50K to do so. If I won I suspected he would bankrupt and then I spent money to get nothing.

My biggest regret was not double checking documents for dates things were due to be paid, and if interest would accrue. We got it finalized less with about 5 minutes to spare. Everyone was frantic to get it finished, and things were missed. Even with 4 sets of eyes on it, my 25+ year experienced attorney and I missed a few things that bit me in the butt later.

These were the things I missed.

1. Make sure clear dates for payments due are indicated for EVERYTHING. We forgot to include the 1st of the month, and by default now he is allowed to pay on the LAST day of the month.

2. If he is ordered to pay a debt make sure it includes any interest until paid in full. We didn't include that and he made payments of $200 on a credit card with 26.99% interest. The interest was almost $150 and only $50 was actually applied to the debt. I had to pay all the interest.

3. Make sure you include consequences if he doesn't comply. I found out that I couldn't take him back to court for NOT paying the debts unless I PAID THE DEBTS OFF FIRST. That made ZERO sense, but my attorney said to sue him I have to show I paid it myself. If I could have paid it myself I wouldn't have needed him to do it to begin with.

4. Include that if he's in contempt he pays the attorney fees if you are forced to take him to court. It will reduce the petty stuff.

5. Include the things you won't think about in your agreement. Google things people forget to include. Car insurance for kids, band, field trips, braces, clothing allowance, glasses, dental, drivers ed, cell phones, and anything else you might not think of.

Try not to dwell on the loss and pain. It's transitional and raw right now. You are getting lost in the loss of what you hoped life would be and reality is giving you a firm swat. Be gentle with yourself, you are healing, processing, and that takes time.

Catwoman posted 6/8/2020 05:47 AM

There are some potential pitfalls with mediation that few will tell you.

The way it works is that you work with the mediator to come to an agreement. THEN you file the paperwork and the judge typically signs off on it.

The reason this presents a risk is that during the process, you have no legal recourse if he decides to stop paying any sort of support, or defaults on his financial obligations.

If you file for divorce and get temporary orders, you DO have recourse through the courts if he decides to ignore things he has agreed to.

The risk depends on the kind of person he is. Certainly, mediation is less expensive, but if you cannot trust him to produce all of the documentation required, that's a risk.

My ex wanted to mediate. I was fine with this, and I was going to hire an attorney to "coach" me through mediation. That is, until he started showing up to mediation sessions with none of the paperwork requested. I told him I would not return to mediation until he could do so. Why should I pay half of the mediator's fee when I had no basis to start agreeing to anything because he didn't produce the required financial documentation? He had a tantrum and filed. Fine. I hired an attorney and took him to the cleaners. I would have settled for a lot less than I ended up with.

At the very least, get an attorney to coach you through mediation. Do not agree to ANYTHING without an attorney reviewing it.

Cat

Tigersrule77 posted 6/8/2020 07:03 AM

I would actually recommend attempting mediation over going to court. It allows you to have some say in the matter. Also, if you and your WH can't come to an agreement, a judge is the back up plan.

I would certainly still hire an attorney so that you know what the law says about issues and someone you can ask questions of. You can work with your attorney to come up with a negotiation plan and they can review any potential agreement to make sure it actually what you want. Meaning, sometime you think you have an agreement, but the law will see things differently and it might leave an opening for your WH to attack later.

Also, you should ask your attorney about the mediator. Your WH may have picked that person for a reason, i.e. he believes the mediator will benefit him.

99lawdog99 posted 6/8/2020 07:24 AM

Mediation is fine. it is not an end all, but in any case you should still have an attorney to represent you in mediation. The mediator is there only to try and get you two to reach an agreement. he is not there to give you legal advice. You still need an attorney for that. Do not forgo mediation but get an attorney who will be representing you through out so that if mediation fails, he is ready to proceed.

Lighthousegrl posted 6/9/2020 19:21 PM

Thank you all for the input. I’m going to hire an attorney -I have a consultation this week.
I want someone in my corner as we proceed to mediation.
He wants to use a mediator only /And skip the attorneys.
I’m going to have someone looking out for me and my daughter ....as this moves forward.
~ !thank you all for the reply's !~