I’m afraid if I agree to mediation ~ I’ll regret not having representation~ someone in my corner.
Idk. I’m sorry I’m all over the place
.
Mediation can be with or without representation. I HIGHLY and STRONGLY recommend having an attorney. This is where they earn their money. They look for the wording that makes it all binding, the pitfalls and areas that will be a legal nightmare if not in order. They do this for a living and are committed to getting you what you deserve and making sure the documents are enforceable and binding.
I wasn't married for our 23 year committed intimate relationship, but we had one 2 hour joint mediation that didn't cost us anything. We both had our attorneys there, and did NOT reach any resolution.
The second mediation was for 8 hours and we had to be in separate rooms with our attorneys. The retired judge that did the mediation went back and forth as we reached agreement on minor things and fought over the business buyout and the house. The judge stayed mostly in the room with my attorney and I as he said my ex's attorney was "earning his money" trying to "keep him out of the weeds". He used this term to describe when things get ugly and off topic. More like who kicked whose cat metaphorically. He said my demeanor was pleasant and I was smiling so he preferred to be in our room.
I won't lie I was terrified, and the smile and calm I showed was fake. My entire future was going to be decided in that room, and I was shaking inside. I came into the building that day with nothing, no pen, no notes and only the thought that I was going to hold my head up and not let him see me flinch or cry.
You have to take this one moment in time, and make it a business transaction. You can't make strong, long term financial decisions when you are emotional or having warm fuzzy thoughts about how it will impact him. You are the ONLY focus in this situation, other than your children if you have any.
My situation was highly volatile. If we didn't come to terms in this mediation we were scheduled for trial. I knew I didn't have the money for trial, and he didn't either. He threw out a threat that he would come after the house if I went to trial on the grounds it came from a settlement he had. The judge told me he thought my ex had a 20% chance of being successful.
I didn't want to take the chance. I stood to gain far more money going to trial, but I was emotionally spent, and destroyed inside. I didn't want to fight anymore. My ex knew I could hire a forensic accountant and decimate his claims, but to do so I would have to pay $30K-$50K to do so. If I won I suspected he would bankrupt and then I spent money to get nothing.
My biggest regret was not double checking documents for dates things were due to be paid, and if interest would accrue. We got it finalized less with about 5 minutes to spare. Everyone was frantic to get it finished, and things were missed. Even with 4 sets of eyes on it, my 25+ year experienced attorney and I missed a few things that bit me in the butt later.
These were the things I missed.
1. Make sure clear dates for payments due are indicated for EVERYTHING. We forgot to include the 1st of the month, and by default now he is allowed to pay on the LAST day of the month.
2. If he is ordered to pay a debt make sure it includes any interest until paid in full. We didn't include that and he made payments of $200 on a credit card with 26.99% interest. The interest was almost $150 and only $50 was actually applied to the debt. I had to pay all the interest.
3. Make sure you include consequences if he doesn't comply. I found out that I couldn't take him back to court for NOT paying the debts unless I PAID THE DEBTS OFF FIRST. That made ZERO sense, but my attorney said to sue him I have to show I paid it myself. If I could have paid it myself I wouldn't have needed him to do it to begin with.
4. Include that if he's in contempt he pays the attorney fees if you are forced to take him to court. It will reduce the petty stuff.
5. Include the things you won't think about in your agreement. Google things people forget to include. Car insurance for kids, band, field trips, braces, clothing allowance, glasses, dental, drivers ed, cell phones, and anything else you might not think of.
Try not to dwell on the loss and pain. It's transitional and raw right now. You are getting lost in the loss of what you hoped life would be and reality is giving you a firm swat. Be gentle with yourself, you are healing, processing, and that takes time.