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An update... thoughts requested

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Bleu posted 6/10/2020 21:06 PM

Congrats on being almost done with your divorce. The COVID pause is quite annoying.

1. STBXW and her new guy are discussing him selling his house and moving in to my old house. I think this is an indication that she has given up hope on getting alimony. Thoughts?

1. Based on the history, it seems uncharacteristic of her to give up on anything.

2. STBXW got herself a new dog last Christmas... a Chesapeake Bay Retriever puppy. He has been a handful, based on the stories that I have heard. The dog apparently likes to jump on people, in the way that I've been taught to knee the dog in the chest to get them to stop. My son (8 years old) told the story this weekend that boyfriend likes to tell the dog "as a joke" that he will slit the dog's throat if the dog doesn't stop. Boyfriend has 5 convictions on his record for alcohol related offenses, although all are older than 10 years. Boyfriend was initially awarded 50% physical custody of his kids in his divorce in 2015, but his ex has since gone back and gotten 75% physical custody. Should this concern me?

2. I would be concerned as my kids are young and the language alone feels too violent to me. Your attorney may be able to get a copy of the modification petition, unless it's sealed due to the minors involved. In my jurisdiction, divorce documents cannot be viewed online but you can obtain some documents in person.

3. My kids are being told that boyfriend's ex-wife is an evil bitch who hates everyone. I have no knowledge of the woman, although I think this suggests that STBXW and boyfriend are trying to convince my kids that I am an asshole too.

3. If they are badmouthing you, what a coparenting fail! Yet, there isn't any recourse.

She told them that I was on vacation and if I could a vacation for myself, then I could afford something that they wanted at that time.

This is such an awful, inappropriate comment. I can only imagine how it makes your kids feel.

I do wonder if the court could grant the divorce and hold over jurisdiction on the alimony. I wonder if she would make her relationship official in that short ime span and provide you with the evidence you need to halt the alimony foolishness.

I don't know if the post-divorce decree time period would count for the cohabitation defense. If it did, it may be worth the 2-3 months of temporary alimony.

Wishing you the best as you move onto the next chapter of your life!

barcher144 posted 6/11/2020 19:33 PM

1. Based on the history, it seems uncharacteristic of her to give up on anything.

Good point. I think that you are right. Instead, I think that she's been incorrectly told by a friend that she is eligible for alimony as long as they don't get married. That's the *old* law in my state... now it's basically co-habitation.

The thing about STBXW is that she does not check up on the laws very much. She has her own ideas on what the law should be, which is often different than what the law is.

Hopefully, I'll get lucky and he'll move in before she talks to her lawyer about it.

2. I would be concerned as my kids are young and the language alone feels too violent to me.

Thanks. I don't know why, but threatening to cut a dog's throat just seems wrong... even though I guess I say equally awful stuff in jest at times.

This is the main reason why we reached out to his ex last night. She seems to think that he is safe, although she also seems to think that STBXW is a sweet, wonderful woman also.

3. If they are badmouthing you, what a coparenting fail! Yet, there isn't any recourse.

That's sweet that you think that co-parenting is a possibility, but I gave up on that a long time ago. STBXW and I do not discuss anything other than to argue over medical bills each month. She likes to refuse to pay for the legitimate expenses that I incur and she likes to submit illegitimate expenses to me and then gets angry when I refuse to pay them. We don't discuss much of anything else, tbh.

STBXW basically is a repeat violator of the parenting agreement. Luckily, my middle child (DD13) is past her "alienated" phase in which she believed the awful things that her mother was saying about me. I think that she realizes that her mother is a lying, bitter woman and she ignores most of it. My GF has already predicted that DD13 will be moving in with me in a year or two.

This is such an awful, inappropriate comment. I can only imagine how it makes your kids feel.

Welcome to my world of parental alienation. STBXW is pretty much textbook, as far as I can tell.

Wishing you the best as you move onto the next chapter of your life!

Thank you!

barcher144 posted 6/11/2020 19:39 PM

Why?

His ex wife is the best source of information as to whether or not he poses a danger to my children.

What does your attorney say about this?

My attorney was against from the perspective that she doesn't want me to piss off STBXW. This is not pertinent advice because STBXW is already pissed at me. She is a bitter, angry woman because, in her mind, I am divorcing her and taking all of the money with me (no joke).

My attorney was in favor of contacting the ex wife from the perspective that the "slit the dogs throat" comments and the history of alcohol arrests... suggests that I need better information on whether this guy is safe to be around my kids.

Her official recommendation was decide which is more important to you... a better financial position at trial or confidence that your kids are safe. I picked the latter over the former.

Catwoman posted 6/12/2020 06:35 AM

Instead, I think that she's been incorrectly told by a friend that she is eligible for alimony as long as they don't get married. That's the *old* law in my state... now it's basically co-habitation.

There's a vast gulf between "basically" cohabitation results in no alimony and "strictly" cohabitation results in no alimony. If it is "basically" you might have an uphill battle. I would be spending my time and energy on this, rather than some of the other stuff you're engaging in. What does your attorney say, and what is the case law precedent? As I have noted before, be aware of the things that he could do, like having a second residence where his bills are sent or he is registered to vote.

I don't know why, but threatening to cut a dog's throat just seems wrong... even though I guess I say equally awful stuff in jest at times.

Since you're not there, you don't know the context, and since you (and I, and many others) engage in similar language IN JEST, why are you spending your energy on this? I recognize the need to keep your children safe, but I think you're stirring the pot unnecessarily and spending emotional energy in areas where it may not yield anything for you. (NOTE: as a dog lover and a Chesapeake Bay Retriever fancier and owner, I hate hearing someone speak like this, jest or not).

She seems to think that he is safe, although she also seems to think that STBXW is a sweet, wonderful woman also.

So you engaged and potentially caused more contention for what, really? My point has always been that there are better, more reliable, third party ways to get this information. Your attorney could have called her as a witness or deposed her. You could have gone to the courthouse and examined the paperwork in detail. There would have been some sort of detail in the file as to why custody changed. Not all of this would have been available on line in some jurisdictions.

I would encourage you to pay more attention to your attorney (which is why you are paying her), to keep your girlfriend out of your business and to focus on the business details of this. From what you have found out, your children are safe, so there is no need to further engage or antagonize. Continuing to stir the pot is a sword that often cuts both ways.

If you're truly dealing with a narcissist, then you want to keep any engagement at a minimum. Time to practice the grey rock technique. You have a long summer and fall ahead of any sort of movement on your case. Amping things up will not only result in fallout for you, but for your children as well. I'm sure you don't want to put them in that sort of position and lose all the positive ground you have gained recently.

Cat

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