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Well, here's a shock

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This0is0Fine posted 6/15/2020 15:28 PM

Sorry you're here.

As a person that chose not to use shock and awe, I fully recommend shock and awe.

Call a lawyer. Figure out what divorce looks like for you financially and logistically. If you don't know what that option looks like, how can you choose it or not?

File for divorce if it is reasonably doable for you. You can always stop proceedings.

Do all the demands people have put above.

I found the most helpful book for me was Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

Unsure2019 posted 6/15/2020 16:41 PM


Between your two threads, am I reading this right? Your wife lent her homeless AP her car for two months, which means youíre probably helping to pay for the car, insurance, etc. for your WW's lover? Then, she says she wants her family back, including you, but you are not allowed to ask her anything about her AP. What planet is she living on? Get the car back NOW and ask her all the questions you want. If you donít, youíre just setting yourself up for more pain.

Also, are there going to be any consequences for you WW, or are you just so happy to have her say that she wants her family back that youíll just move on as if itís all back to normal now?

36yearsgone posted 6/15/2020 16:42 PM

In the animal kingdom, and we are animals, there is no such thing as equals. Right now, you are being led around by a dominant partner who refuses to agree to anything that any book you can read recommends.

I think I understand the point you are trying to make, but I also think that if you are going to equate us to animals then you might as well settle on, "it doesn't matter what we do, whether we cheat or not, because animals do what animals do. There is no responsibility required."

Geek42 posted 6/15/2020 17:26 PM

Ok. The car. She's paying for it. Paying for insurance. Not me. So, if she wants to use her daughter's car, that's between her and her daughter. She doesn't get to use my car. I know she'll get it back this week because of the beach trip she has planned with her mother and the kids.

I have contacted a lawyer and talk to him on Wednesday. We've already separated most of the finances a couple months ago. I just pay for household groceries. She buys her own meals when she goes out "on her own". I don't pay for any of her bills anymore except for a $80 life insurance policy for her where the kids are the beneficiaries. I felt it important to keep it. So I said, I would pay it.

I know nothing really has changed yet. I'm sure she's still talking to him at some level. Whether she's breaking up with him, or the other way around. Who knows.

At first, I was gung-ho on moving forward. And maybe it was the hope that things were changing already. But I know that she really hasn't moved forward at all. So, we still live separate lives, separate bedrooms, separate finances. Sharing the kids and household chores. She's wallowing in her self-induced pity for one reason or another. Hasn't eaten for a day really and is depressed big time.

I am a little worried, because she does have some deep depression issues. I'm still human and I do care for her at a certain level.

Until she's ready to be forthcoming about things, nothing is really changing between us.

OwningItNow posted 6/15/2020 17:47 PM

I am a little worried, because she does have some deep depression issues.

I mean you no disrespect, so take this from one who knows--let her feel her feelings and stay out of it. Do not try to help her or fix her. If you need to call 911, do so. But please understand that these demons are her own and have nothing to do with you. Attempting to ease her pain only prolongs it. SHE is making her choices. SHE needs to face herself. Getting involved to try to help is more about your needs than hers. Emotions must be felt, even the unpleasant ones. If she's in danger, call 911. Otherwise, let her feel and face. If she doesn't eat, so be it.

We make changes because of excrutiating pain not comfort.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 5:49 PM, June 15th (Monday)]

Geek42 posted 6/15/2020 18:22 PM

Thank you OwningItNow. I appreciate that. Until she works out her demons, there's no use trying to fix our shared ones.

Justsomeguy posted 6/15/2020 18:48 PM

Having gone through the shit for three years now, I am a much different man. I m more cynical, but I also have clear boundaries and dont take shit from nobody. In five years from now, you will be a stronger, wiser, more confident man. I want to ask you a question. If that man had a time machine and came back, would he kick your ass for what you made him go through? Or would he pat you on the back and say well done? I wish I had s time machine. I would enjoy kicking my own ass.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 6:57 PM, June 15th (Monday)]

Geek42 posted 6/16/2020 04:28 AM

I just had a realization at 5am this morning. I'm pissed. She was lying to me about seeing him (and doing him) during covid lock down. Didn't matter to her if she exposed herself or brought it home to the kids or me. She was lucky that nothing has happened. I wonder if that thought even crossed her mind or was she so in lust with him she wasn't thinking straight.

So yes. Nothing is changing until she steps up. She owes me and she owes her family and she owes her real friends.

Ginny posted 6/16/2020 05:46 AM

Gently, Geek, donít you deserve to be better than someoneís ďPlan BĒ? She would be doing the heavy lifting to make things right AND willing to tell you everything that happened - if she were TRULY reconciliation material. Donít settle.

Tigersrule77 posted 6/16/2020 07:15 AM

Geek42, I'm glad you were able to realize she is still effectively in the A. She basically gave you a nibble "i want our family" and a tiny bit of truth by admitting to the PA. Other than that, she seems to be doing NOTHING to repair the damage she has done. She is selfishly focusing on herself and how she is sooo sad. She wasn't sad like this over losing you!

You should not put anything on hold with your attorney. Proceed. If you decide later you see evidence of change, you can pump the brakes then.

Please continue to focus on yourself and keep control of your life.

Geek42 posted 6/16/2020 07:37 AM

Yea. Pretty much. She's still "defending" him. I told her that until I'm put in front of him, nothing has changed. I told her explicitly I feel like "Plan B". She kinda revealed "the look" that I know of her internal "SMH", so I know she's not willing to work at this time.

When I thought things really changed, I had scheduled an appointment with MC for 2 weeks from now. I told her she still needs to do my list to start building back the trust she took from me. And that meeting with the MC would also contribute to that as well. If she decides to not meet with the MC then so be it. I can always cancel the appointment.

In the meantime, back to more NC and talking to the lawyer tomorrow (wed) to see my options.

HellFire posted 6/16/2020 07:57 AM

Many marriage counselors do more harm than good.

Some blame the BS for the affair.

Some don't think transparency is necessary.

Some romanticize the affair.

Some advocate rugsweeping.

The very worst thing you can do is take her to an MC that mishandles infidelity. You have an extremely unremorseful WS. She will latch onto any bad advice, and you will never heal properly.

Cancel the MC.

She needs IC.

Chaos posted 6/16/2020 08:03 AM

My off the cuff cynical 1st thought is they all want to run back home when their fantasy bubble bursts.

As others have said - she needs IC. IMHO a sh*t ton of it. She needs to become a better person on her own first and foremost.

You can take all the time you need to figure it all out for what is best for you.

Please don't let her use you as a back up plan/safety net.

steadychevy posted 6/16/2020 09:26 AM

Many marriage counselors do more harm than good.
Some blame the BS for the affair.

Some don't think transparency is necessary.

Some romanticize the affair.

Some advocate rugsweeping.

The very worst thing you can do is take her to an MC that mishandles infidelity. You have an extremely unremorseful WS. She will latch onto any bad advice, and you will never heal properly.

Cancel the MC.

She needs IC.

What my post was going to be but much better said by HellFire.

Geek42 posted 6/16/2020 09:30 AM

Yea. She's getting her IC. Matter of fact her apt for IC is this Thursday.

Of course I question internally how much the IC really knows and how much she's been withholding there. But I can't fix stupid.

And I have to keep reminding myself that I can't fix her no matter how hard I want to try. Because somewhere buried under all her covering up, lies, hurt and insecurities, is a person. A person that I loved.

Too bad the shit it so piled up on her head right now, that she stinks to high-heaven. You can't always smell your own stink. And I don't have a shovel she can use. And the smell is getting to me more.

sisoon posted 6/16/2020 11:35 AM

You can't fix stupid, but you can require some visibility into her IC.

Her IC can't talk to you at all without her permission; she can sign a release that allows the IC to talk to you. My w's IC said that if I asked her a complex question she'd probably want to answer it in a joint session, but that was OK with me.

You can also require periodic joint sessions to make sure your W is being honest with her IC and you.

I strongly recommend to everyone in R that they get the release signed and that they participate in periodic joint sessions.

Lalagirl posted 6/16/2020 12:00 PM

The very worst thing you can do is take her to an MC that mishandles infidelity. You have an extremely unremorseful WS. She will latch onto any bad advice, and you will never heal properly.

Cancel the MC.

She needs IC.

I echo HellFire's sentiments.

Geek, IC would be good for you as well - it really helped me deal with the trauma of being betrayed and I gained excellent coping skills that I did not have prior to IC.

Geek42 posted 6/16/2020 19:19 PM

Well, I may not fix stupid, but I can recognize an idiot in myself sometimes.

So, she was wavering on breaking things off with dude, but didn't actually do it. Which explains why she wasn't even leaning towards fixing things and still defended him.

I'm glad I didn't stop anything that I started at this point. Lawyer is still tomorrow. I told her that I'm done trying and dancing. I'm not plan b. I told her it's all on her to fix her stupid. She may be having the internal battle with what is right and wrong. But I'm not getting in this battle with her.

I gave her the shovel to clean up her stink. If she still stinks by the time a divorce can happen, then so be it. She can deal with that guilt.

I honestly hope she can get the help she needs from her IC. But I can't be her crutch and enable her to take advantage of me.

In some ways I just want to sign the paperwork and make it done. Get my house back in order and be the best dad I can be to my kids.

I have to be the strong stable one for them and myself. I do have my own IC. Though I'm not sure I'm getting much out of it. I've only been with him for the last month.

The next move is on her. Full disclosure to start anything for us.

nekonamida posted 6/16/2020 21:52 PM

Geek, you're doing great. You will thrive on the other side of this.

Geek42 posted 6/16/2020 22:14 PM

A little challenge tonight. I was playing cards with the teen and her BF. Then ww came home from work. They ask her to join in. I resisted my urge to get up and leave. I didn't want to ruin the fun the kids were trying to have. But man I wanted to just go to show ww that I'm not playing in her world right now.

This was tough. The teen knows about stuff too. And would have felt bad for making things awkward inadvertently.

Oh well. It was an hour.

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