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Well, here's a shock

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rambler posted 6/16/2020 22:25 PM

Talk to the attorney about the car. Your insurance more than likely not cover it because he is the primary driver.

You need to file to protect yourself and children.

Geek42 posted 6/16/2020 22:38 PM

The car is her problem. She has her own policy for it and pays it herself. No worries for me there. Plus she's supposed to get it back this week before her family beach trip this weekend.

betrayedafter20 posted 6/16/2020 22:55 PM

Geek - jumping in here because I understand moments come and go in the infidelity aftermath tsunami and wanted you to know I read all your stream tonight and saw you had that difficult and unexpected time with the kids, WW and playing cards.

I'm new to this but I understand that those "in the moment" situations are sometimes the hardest because we are unprepared for how we will feel and then have to try and react with grace.

Proud of you for getting through that moment tonight.

Stay strong she is not showing to be in for R.

Buster123 posted 6/16/2020 23:13 PM

Plus she's supposed to get it back this week before her family beach trip this weekend.

Brother I'm sorry but how in the world can you be so "patient" with this car situation and still entertain the idea of R, HER boyfriend has the car, she "wants" her family back but she refuses to break off with OM and STILL allows him to drive her car ! how can you even remotely think she's R material ? do not allow such a blatant humiliation and file for D, there's absolutely NOTHING to work with here, and BTW I don't care if she's paying for the car, it's still consider a marital asset you can bargain with later (separation of assets), plus the insurance company may even refuse to cover an accident caused by OM because he's most likely not on the policy but has regular use of the vehicle (undisclosed driver) and no I'm not suggesting you tell her to add him to the policy. You said you want her to put you "in front of him", there should be no "him", he should not even be in the picture, this should not be a competition of any kind, he needs to simply be IMMEDIATELY OUT of your lives FOREVER.

Why don't you tell her: "listen you have 10 seconds to call OM and tell him it's over and not to contact you ever again, tell him to leave the keys in the car and that we are getting it back within 30 minutes", if she refuses, then pay the retainer and file for D.

If she was serious about "wanting her family back", she will break off with OM immediately and tell you "let's go get the car" just for starters, but of course she won't do that so really what else are you waiting for to file for D? again the process takes a long time, have her served if she comes around and ends her A and does all the necessary work to restore the M she destroyed then and only then should you consider stopping the D process, or NOT !.

Hurtbeyondtime posted 6/16/2020 23:36 PM

Don’t fall for her crying ass.. you know she’s realizing that your actually leaving.

Meet with the lawyer and start D. She hasn’t changed He probably broke it off and your plan. Sorry for the harsh truth.

phmh posted 6/17/2020 00:00 AM

Not a shock. This is textbook cheater handbook not wanting to lose their security. Your future self will thank you for not falling for this blatent lie.

Lalagirl posted 6/17/2020 05:19 AM

I do have my own IC. Though I'm not sure I'm getting much out of it.

How long have you had this IC?

If you feel you are not getting much out of it, find a new IC. Sometimes ICs are not a good fit.

Tigersrule77 posted 6/17/2020 06:47 AM

You are on the right track. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is the 180. R should not even enter your mind right now. As you stated the A is still ongoing. Focus on yourself and your kids. You can't change her and you will be wasting your time.

sisoon posted 6/17/2020 10:58 AM

I can understand there being boundaries between you and your W, but what happens if om gets in an auto accident and causes more damage than the insurance policy covers or if the insurance company declines coverage? In that case, aren't all your assets at risk, since there's no formal D or S agreement?

I think you need to ask and answer this question: Are you being laissez-faire with your W because of boundaries or because you are holding back from asserting yourself?

Recovering (which is very different from R) from being betrayed requires asserting yourself. If you don't do that, you cannot recover - you can only rug-sweep.

fooled13years posted 6/17/2020 11:24 AM

Geek42, I know she has her own car and pays for her own insurance but there are a couple of things you might want to check on with your insurance carrier.

Whether you are on her policy or not it might be possible that if the dude were to get into an accident while driving her car all your joint assets may be subject to discovery and payout if a lawsuit is filed.

If the dude is ticketed while driving her car, your insurance may be subject to an increase just due to association.

I am not sure if either are possible where you live but you might want to check.

fooled13years posted 6/17/2020 11:31 AM


But she doesn't want to talk about dude with me

a quote made from another BH to his WW a while ago said
You don't get to cheat and ruin our marriage and then say we can't let your cheating ruin our marriage

Keep doing what you need to do for you and the kids.

Stay strong.

Geek42 posted 6/17/2020 12:15 PM

And the plot thickens... The playbook as many of you spoke of is coming into focus more and more. I think she has a "burner" phone. I have some tech stuff setup and get notices when somebody connects to our wireless network. I got a "ding" this morning for an iPhone. I asked her if she got an iPhone. First the answer is no, but then she quickly changes to the idea that it was our Daughter's old phone and she wanted to get a song off of it. Talk about a weak excuse....

So, as I walked by her purse this afternoon, it was open and a post-it note was sitting on top of an empty phone case. It had a phone number, and an IMEI number. Stuff you need to activate a phone... Took a picture of it.

At first, I was going to confront. Instead, I'm just filing it away. If she actually does disclosure, I get something to push back on when she withholds the burner.

Did talk to the lawyer. If we divorce "friendly" then we can be done in 3 months with minimum costs. Or we go unfriendly and it takes a year and more $$. We'll have that talk tonight. The biggest issue with divorce is the idea that my step-kids won't get covered by my medical insurance anymore. And she'll be on a state programs with no income really to pay for insurance.

nekonamida posted 6/17/2020 12:27 PM

Ask your lawyer about keeping them on your insurance if you want to. I know that spouses can stay on the insurance after D in some cases. There might be an avenue available to you but honestly them being on a reduced cost or free government plan is not the end of the world.

Jorge posted 6/17/2020 12:52 PM

The biggest issue with divorce is the idea that my step-kids won't get covered by my medical insurance anymore. And she'll be on a state programs with no income really to pay for insurance.

Her issue, not yours. If she can plot and plan a way to get a burner phone, getting insured is a manageable circumstance she’ll need to work through as a single woman.

The post infidelity fallout entails unintended transfer of financial and personal responsibilities and it’s incumbent upon you to protect yourself from further emotional, personal and financial costs.

She’ll have to independently find a way to survive and thrive on her own, and family business matters is one of many she’ll need to tackle. In fact, mention this in your meeting, not as a way to dissuade her, but as a means of introducing her ‘new’ set of forthcoming challenges she’ll need to address.

ShutterHappy posted 6/17/2020 23:00 PM

So your WW has a BF and sometimes wavers as to whether she is dating him or not. Maybe she cries sometimes when she fights with her BF.

Putting it that way, does that sound like wife material to you?

She is not.

On the road of D, once you separate your finance, she can do whatever she wants with her money and date whoever she wants.

You can do whatever you want with your money and date whoever you want. There’s plenty of decent women out there, and your STBXWW is not one of them.

Most of us despise our ex-cheater but it doesn’t have to be that way. You can stay civil as long as you don’t emotionally attach to her.

I bet your STBXWW will make all kind of bad decisions after your D. You can’t afford (emotionally) to get constantly dragged into her craziness.

Focus on YOU, your healing and happiness.

fooled13years posted 6/18/2020 09:27 AM


The biggest issue with divorce is the idea that my step-kids

I can hear the concern and empathy for her children but unfortunately that is exactly who they are, HER CHILDREN.

When the two of you were together she entrusted to you, and you accepted, the role of provider for her and her children.

It would appear as though she has, or will, divorce you from that roll as she considers having a relationship with her boyfriend.

I don't know the children but I too am concerned for them. It is possible that she will find that there are not many men that will take on the responsibly of children when seeking out a relationship.

WhatsRight posted 6/18/2020 09:50 AM

I can hear the concern and empathy for her children but unfortunately that is exactly who they are, HER CHILDREN.

I respectfully disagree.

In a previous marriage, I had a stepdaughter. I loved her so very much. As we were divorcing, my soon to be XH at that time told me that I was a better mother than her real mother (his XW) and he would be certain that we continued with our relationship. But, as you may have guessed, he kept her away from me. I even called his XW to ask for some kind of way to keep in touch with her, but she said no.

Now, my son is in a relationship - no marriage - with a woman who recently gave birth to his son. She also has a 7 year old who I now consider to be my "grandchild". I don't know her well...have only met her once.

It depends on how you feel. If you want to provide for her children in some way, I say check it out legally. If you start providing with health care or some other way, will the law demand that you keep that up? If yes, then you have a decision to make. If no, then do what you feel you want to do.

I realize you do not have legal commitments to them, but children caught up in these situations are not at fault, and are not expendable.

It is definitely an "it depends" situation.

Westway posted 6/18/2020 09:57 AM

Stop worrying about the burner phone and all that stuff. File for divorce and be done with her. Her brain is full of bats. Get the best deal you can while she's foggy.

Buster123 posted 6/18/2020 12:50 PM

If you're in the U.S.A, she'll be able to qualify for a government subsidy to purchase private insurance (Aetna, Bluecross, Cigna etc.) via Obamacare, since you will be divorced in 3 months she doesn't have to wait until open enrollment next November, she will be able to enroll immediately since D is a qualifying life event (QLD), often times the subsidy is enough to cover the entire premium (free insurance), but anyways she will figure it out, just file for D, if it's amicable great, if not, so be it.

Buster123 posted 6/18/2020 12:52 PM

I forgot to mention that she has 60 days from the date of the QLE (D) to apply for coverage new coverage under the special enrollment period rules.

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