TheLostOne2020 posted 6/16/2020 08:46 AM

So I am now separated. That drama unfolded here: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=643302

I'll be divorced after January 1st 2021, so most likely I'll send in the paperwork/contact the lawyers late December to get my ducks in a row.

I'm seeking to rebuilt. I'm moved in and I just signed up for the gym that's close by. I have to switch over insurance, switch my addresses in a few places, and begin anew.

My kids (9 and 12) are doing pretty good right now. I hope it stays like that but we will see.

EllieKMAS posted 6/16/2020 08:55 AM

Hey Lost - I am sorry that this is how it worked out, but I am SO happy you are ditching the drama and bullshit. The view from the other side of it isn't that bad I promise.

Sending good juju and I hope things go as smoothly as they can for you and your kiddos!

TheLostOne2020 posted 6/16/2020 09:13 AM

Thank you! I appreciate it.

At the very least I no longer have to be paranoid about my partner. Jesus, I don't know how people do the reconciliation thing.

NeverTwice posted 6/16/2020 09:49 AM

Hi Lost,

Jesus, I don't know how people do the reconciliation thing.

Same here. I certainly could not do it. I walked in on my ex girlfriend in bed with another girl. I thought I was going to literally die at that moment. There is no way I could forgive her - and it had been going on for almost 7 months.

I made her leave the house and go back to her parents. I could not even stand the sight of her.

Hang in there friend. I know it sucks but you will make it through. 💖💖

BetterTimesAhead posted 6/16/2020 15:35 PM

Sorry you are going through this but keep your eye on the prize - a much better, more peaceful and fulfilling life with infinite possibilities is waiting for you.

Stay strong and positive and know that this is what's best for you and your children.

TheLostOne2020 posted 6/16/2020 20:49 PM

NeverTwice

Same here. I certainly could not do it. I walked in on my ex girlfriend in bed with another girl. I thought I was going to literally die at that moment. There is no way I could forgive her - and it had been going on for almost 7 months.

That had to have been rough. I can't imagine that. I know with my ex that she made some videos, but I (thankfully) never saw them. Since I'm not reconciling I think it's probably better that she never shared that much with me.

I made her leave the house and go back to her parents. I could not even stand the sight of her.

Hang in there friend. I know it sucks but you will make it through.

Thank you - I appreciate it. It's a rough one today. I know that it's for the best.

BetterTimesAhead

Sorry you are going through this but keep your eye on the prize - a much better, more peaceful and fulfilling life with infinite possibilities is waiting for you.

Thank you - that's what I'm hoping for. I know that I'm still in the healing process. There will be bad days and good days. I think that talking to people helps out tremendously.

Stay strong and positive and know that this is what's best for you and your children.

Thanks and I agree.

My daughter was texting me tonight. Apparently she was blamed for something or my ex was upset with her or something. I'm not sure, all I know is that my daughter was sending me texts that 'everyone hates her' and she 'just wished she was over here with me'. That was a gut punch. I know that no one hates her and that she probably was just getting into an argument with her brother or something, but still. I hate this aspect of everything.

ALotofHistory posted 6/16/2020 23:45 PM

Be steady. Be there. Be the father, not friend. This will work out better for them and you in the long run. You will be "home" and the safe place. That matters. Mine are a little older than yours, but all in all....always improving.

Followed your story. You are doing the best thing and you will look back and wonder why you didn't sooner. Its ok. You will be fine. Adventure awaits you.

...to steal a line from one of my favorite movies: "Welcome to the future!"

LadyG posted 6/17/2020 04:12 AM

Good luck,

At very least you have some insight on how to do this with as little impact on your children as possible. Obviously impact is unpredictable but you can prepare for worst case.

Reconciliation is hardest 🙏🏼

TheLostOne2020 posted 6/17/2020 07:09 AM

ALotofHistory

Be steady. Be there. Be the father, not friend. This will work out better for them and you in the long run. You will be "home" and the safe place. That matters. Mine are a little older than yours, but all in all....always improving.

That's what I'm trying to be. I'm close with my daughter - so I probably blur that line. I am a father to both of them.

Followed your story. You are doing the best thing and you will look back and wonder why you didn't sooner. Its ok. You will be fine. Adventure awaits you.

I think you are going to be correct; especially the last two years when she started withdrawing affection. Why'd I put up with that?

...to steal a line from one of my favorite movies: "Welcome to the future!"

What movie is that?

Now, I'll quote one of my favorite movies:

"Klaatu Barada NNNNNNecktie. Nectar. Nickel. Noodle. It's an "N" word, it's definitely an "N" word! Klaatu... Barada... N <clears his throat into his hand, then pauses> Okay... that's it!"

LadyG

Good luck,
At very least you have some insight on how to do this with as little impact on your children as possible. Obviously impact is unpredictable but you can prepare for worst case.

Reconciliation is hardest

Thank you.

Yeah, I think my view of reconciliation is colored by an unremorseful partner. It would probably be different if she had been remorseful - but the reality is after five years that's probably way too long for an affair to go on and have any chance of reconciliation afterwards.

TheLostOne2020 posted 6/17/2020 07:10 AM

Any advice or articles or whatever on how to handle the kids through this? As in, how should I act towards them?

squid posted 6/17/2020 08:03 AM

Any advice or articles or whatever on how to handle the kids through this? As in, how should I act towards them?

Continue to be the stable parent that they need. Don't talk bad about your STBXWW. If they ask questions about the A or the impending D, just be factual and don't show emotion. Assure them that none of this is their fault.

Always be available for them. You don't have to push anything on them. When they're ready to talk, they usually will.

Let them know everything will be ok. Because it will.

Hang in there.

NeverTwice posted 6/17/2020 11:36 AM

I am going to concur with what Squid said...

Continue to be the stable parent that they need. Don't talk bad about your STBXWW. If they ask questions about the A or the impending D, just be factual and don't show emotion. Assure them that none of this is their fault.

And let them know that they can contact you at any time - if they just want to talk, are having a problem or are just feeling sad. Let them know, in no uncertain terms, that you will ALWAYS be available of they need you.

You've got this Lost. It is new and it is and will continue to be a challenge. But I know you will rise to the occasion and adjust.

Carry on...

Westway posted 6/17/2020 13:57 PM

Welcome on board friend.

TheLostOne2020 posted 6/17/2020 14:53 PM

squid

Continue to be the stable parent that they need. Don't talk bad about your STBXWW. If they ask questions about the A or the impending D, just be factual and don't show emotion. Assure them that none of this is their fault.

That sounds like good advice. I'm already trying not to talk bad about my STBXWW.

Always be available for them. You don't have to push anything on them. When they're ready to talk, they usually will.

I think that's the case. I have noticed over the past several months that I'm always open/available to them, whereas my STBXWW gets closed off and has to retreat from them. She'll work from home and then have to have 'alone time' for an hour. When I work from home it's never like that. Chalk it up to different styles, different work, etc, but there's also something off. She's always available for the phone calls (ex. her Aunt) that she wants to take during the day but she will ignore the kids until they are at each other's throats.

Let them know everything will be ok. Because it will.

Hang in there.

Thanks and I will. They are my priority.

NeverTwice

And let them know that they can contact you at any time - if they just want to talk, are having a problem or are just feeling sad. Let them know, in no uncertain terms, that you will ALWAYS be available of they need you.

Yes this is me to a T. I'm actually getting my son a phone so he can reach me whenever he needs to.

You've got this Lost. It is new and it is and will continue to be a challenge. But I know you will rise to the occasion and adjust.

Carry on...

Thank you. This is not how I envisioned my life at this point, but I am optimistic that I won't be living the Hell that I've been in for the last two years.

Westway

Welcome on board friend.

Thank you!

iamweasel posted 6/17/2020 21:18 PM

I agree, I have no idea how anyway R's.
The thought of even trying made no sense to me, and I had/have no idea how many times they got together, or how long it went on. Didn't make a difference either way, once the line is crossed its better to just move ahead on in your own life.
I give people credit if they can succeed in R, but why anyone would willingly wade through that lake of sh*t is beyond me. I loved my wife, I busted my ass to give her a good life and did so without complaint, but I slammed that door the day I knew. I wasn't going to waste any more of my life with someone as worthless as she was. So she took our son and went to mommy's house. Rather fitting as mommy was just as much a sos as she was.
I did get custody of our son in the end. I was lucky there.Most dads aren't.
Glad to see you're moving ahead with your life.

phmh posted 6/17/2020 21:34 PM

(((LostOne))) I am so excited for you to have a life free of her deceit. Divorce is really hard, but you will start to feel better every day (not always in a linear fashion, but definitely heading that way) and in 5 years, you will look back and wonder why you put up with as much as you have. Stay the course. You've got this!

TheLostOne2020 posted 6/18/2020 06:10 AM

Covid...Oh how I hate you. It seems as though the Universe likes to subtly fuck with my plans. I get up, go to the gym, at 5am because that's when it supposedly opens...but now there are 'covid hours'. Really? Ugh. I'll have to sneak away during lunch today. That'll be fine though. I get to pick up my kids tonight. I'm excited about that.

I was talking to an old facebook friend of mine (met him on Myspace, so that's OLD, lol). We are trying to plan D&D using Roll20 and maybe Zoom? I'm still new to all of this. I want this to work out. Anyway his story is similar to mine, and I guess a lot of people here. It's weird how prior to being cheated on it seemed so rare and afterwards it's like EVERYONE has had to deal with this.

iamweasel

I agree, I have no idea how anyway R's.

Honestly I think it behooves WW to R as soon as possible. As more time goes by you get detached and you evaluate things - do you really want to be in that relationship with a person you can't trust?

The thought of even trying made no sense to me, and I had/have no idea how many times they got together, or how long it went on. Didn't make a difference either way, once the line is crossed its better to just move ahead on in your own life.

Yeah, once the line is crossed trying to get back to trust seems impossible- especially with a WW who isn't committed to re-establishing trust.

I give people credit if they can succeed in R, but why anyone would willingly wade through that lake of sh*t is beyond me.

I'll give them credit too. They are made of sterner stuff than I. The pain I went through, it had to end. I had to stop it. Now I know I'm still in pain but at least I won't have years of mistrust and further pain trying to R.

I loved my wife, I busted my ass to give her a good life and did so without complaint, but I slammed that door the day I knew. I wasn't going to waste any more of my life with someone as worthless as she was. So she took our son and went to mommy's house. Rather fitting as mommy was just as much a sos as she was.
I did get custody of our son in the end. I was lucky there.Most dads aren't.
Glad to see you're moving ahead with your life.

True and good for you on the custody front. I honestly don't know how I would have reacted if I didn't get AT LEAST 50% custody. That would not have been good for me.

phmh

(((LostOne))) I am so excited for you to have a life free of her deceit.

Thank you. All I have to do is get through the pain of divorce. Then I should be good again. She's not going to stop lying or spiraling.

Divorce is really hard, but you will start to feel better every day (not always in a linear fashion, but definitely heading that way) and in 5 years, you will look back and wonder why you put up with as much as you have. Stay the course. You've got this!

Definitely and thank you. I look back on my initial post and I already wonder why I put up with her nonsensical bullshit. She's living in a fantasy world and she treats people like garbage. Shit, even her AP from what I can tell. She lies to him all the time and HAS to make him feel like second class. That's his bag of shit to deal with now though.

TheLostOne2020 posted 6/19/2020 06:32 AM

I got antsy and picked the kids up early. I won't be doing that next time because my STBXW waits to get them ready until just before I'm supposed to pick them up. So that led to me awkwardly sitting on the couch for 1/2 an hour. It wasn't a huge thing but something to keep in mind.

Apparently she also helped them pick out some Father's day stuff. That's fine.

I spent the rest of the evening at my place playing with the kids. I feel like I have so much to do. things that I want to do and things that I have to do. So that's good, it keeps me busy.

The gym situation is still irritating. They have 'Covid' hours and even without those they aren't open 24 hours, like the last gym was. So those are things I have to plan around. No big deal though. That said, I did what I consider a light work out and now I can hardly lift my arms...Good times. Squats on Saturday, that should be fun.

I am looking for stuff to do but everything is closed because of Covid.

Tigersrule77 posted 6/19/2020 07:32 AM

I can relate to how you feel. I think everyone is feeling the effects of the restrictions, if not the actual disease. Thankfully, here in Maryland, restrictions are easing and gyms can actually open today. I may go for a workout tomorrow.

Keep up the positive outlook.

nekonamida posted 6/19/2020 07:49 AM

I was talking to an old facebook friend of mine (met him on Myspace, so that's OLD, lol). We are trying to plan D&D using Roll20 and maybe Zoom?

I highly recommend this. I'm not in a campaign currently but I help my husband with his and he takes turns DMing with our friends. PM me if you have questions or need help. I have 15 years of experience.

Glad to see you're doing well, all things considered. Hopefully your STBX keeps making this process easy for you.