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Retirement funds

StormyPrincess posted 6/19/2020 06:09 AM

Me again. Part of our divorce decree states (and he agreed) that I get half of the balance as of date of divorce. There has been a delay due to his alcoholism but the ball started rolling again this week. Yesterday he was horrible (drunk Iím sure) and told me that was all his money, he worked hard for 24 years for every penny.

Iím learning not to chat with him and not engage when he is drunk. It hurts so much that he thinks I didnít contribute to this marriage. I (mostly) did all child rearing for the entire marriage. Worked minimally because he felt I should be stay at home mom. Did most household things, all shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry. Even being learning coach to virtually schooled kids for 8 plus years.

Do you think I should say something when he is not drunk? Send a letter? I feel the need to be heard and tell him this but not sure what to do.

I will get my share because of the decree but damn it, I need to remind him of all of this. He made me feel like I was absent.

((Hugs))
SP

Tigersrule77 posted 6/19/2020 07:36 AM

Stormy, do you expect him to apologize? Feel free to send him a letter, but don't expect any acknowledgement. He is clearly a selfish person and is upset about the consequences of his actions. Apparently, in his mind, it is "fair" that you be left without any retirement savings due to his decision to have the A.

Essentially, when he married you, and you two decided that you would not work, he made the decision to split his retirement with you, knowing you wouldn't have any. It is the same thing. Only difference now is that it won't be in his account and he won't have control over it. The same money will still be supporting two people.

nekonamida posted 6/19/2020 07:41 AM

I would not bother sending the letter. Write one and burn it or pretend to send it. Or just toss it somewhere but don't waste energy on giving it to him. He will only disappoint you in his response or try to use it against you.

J707 posted 6/19/2020 08:32 AM

Well, to bad. It's in the decree. My exww will receive 4.5 years of mine (we were married for 9). He can say what he wants but that money is yours, whether he likes it or not.

Phoenix1 posted 6/19/2020 10:16 AM

Don't feed the drama llama.

How he feels is irrelevant. Since it is in the decree it is not up for discussion. HE'S the one that needs to make peace with it and accept it, along with the true reasons of *why* it is equitable. He knows already. Deep down, he knows. His refusal to acknowledge it verbally is his problem, not yours.

YOU know the truth.It is no different from a BS divorcing their WS with evidence/knowledge of an A, but the WS refuses to acknowledge it. You can't *make* them acknowledge it, but you can take comfort in knowing that you have the truth on your side.

HeartFullOfHoles posted 6/19/2020 10:30 AM

If it's in the judgement then don't worry.

My ex wanted half of mine, but thought she should keep all hers. Accused me of being petty and greedy to even think of getting half of hers. A little projection in my book.

Chrysalis123 posted 6/19/2020 14:57 PM

No Contact means no more hurts. He has shown you again and again what kind of man he is. If, he listened he would only do it to try and manipulate/harm you.

I completely understand the need for clearing your name...but he is the wrong person. What he thinks about you is not your business.

What you think about you is your business.

In the past on SI, people in exactly this spot wrote to us, or wrote letter and read to a dear friend and burned it...etc.

By not acknowledging his disrespect and tantrum you are showing him the new and improved you. The healthy you with strong boundaries and self respect. He is used to poking you and getting you to respond and then he manipulates. Change the dance.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 6/19/2020 18:49 PM

No. Block his ass he can send emails from now on and you can delete them the second you see they are negative

StormyPrincess posted 6/20/2020 08:48 AM

Again, thank you. I've had a terrible week. Pain shopping? I know better from my al-anon meetings. I am trying desperately to detach.

I need to start working on me again. I'll let the attorney/court handle the decree, I'm going to see if I can get a hair/nail appointment (haven't been in a zillion months) and meet with someone next week to try and help plan an exercise/eating plan. I weigh more now that I did at the end of all of my pregnancies LOL. Maybe if I put all of my efforts in to self-improvement and my kids/grands, I can try to see some light.

He's not been around to help with much with the house and as of last weekend he is not welcome here any longer. (see other posts)

He was to have a list of items he wanted from the house to me by last night. I never got a list. I'm not sure what I will do now but at least you have given me some fantastic guidance. I will not speak with him unless it is regarding our minor child or the sale of the house. I will start NOW on working/focusing on me, the one I forgot many years ago.

You all are so amazing. I wish we could all meet in person.
((hugs)) from MN
SP

Chrysalis123 posted 6/20/2020 13:18 PM

I divorced an asshat like your WS and he tried to sabotage the sale of the house. Tred with extreme caution and in my opinion use the realtor or attorney for the communications.

Do not let him store anything with you. I made that mistake because I stayed in the marital home with the kids. He used that to cause all sorts of trouble like calling the cops on me and accusing me of stealing his things while demanding I keep the garage unlocked so he could access his things at any time. Yeah, that time of life was stressful. Sort of like having an aggressive mean attack dog wanting to attack me, chained to me for 10 years.

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